Work Text:
It was a late afternoon; two days and nine hours since the blood pact had broken, two days and nine hours since the strange, intimate moment between them; when they had been parted from the rest of the world and experienced nothing but the other's pain and strength. To him, it had felt almost entirely like that day in August 1899. It had been a mere recurrence of history; so utterly painful that he had almost felt like dying.
Even now, two days and nine hours later, Gellert Grindelwald's cruel, desperate words still echoed within his mind, in his very soul.
Who will love you now, Dumbledore?
Those words seemed engraved in his heart, carved into his very skin; and everytime he closed his eyes the picture of Gellerts' despairing expression flashed behind his eyelids. It had been a cruel, terrible thing to say, especially since they both already knew the answer. Only to Gellert Grindelwald had Albus Dumbledore ever showed every aspect of himself, and despite everything that had taken place between them, he could not bring himself to regret it.
Now, Albus slowly raised his gaze from the essay that he was reading, and found himself looking into the vivid blue, anxious eyes of Minerva McGonagall. She was biting her lower lip feverishly and twisting a quill between her long fingers; all the while staring at him as though fearing that he would die any second.
"So?", Minerva uttered finally, refusing to avert her piercing gaze. "What do you think?"
"I think that it is clear that Ms Mortimer is trying her very best."
"And there I agree with you. But we cannot possibly grade our students with Exceeds Expectations because they are trying."
"Then lower her grade. As long as you make sure to inform her on what she must develop to reach Exceeds Expectations, that won't be doing any harm. Ms. Mortimer still has another year left."
"You're right, of course. Thank you, Albus. And now..." Mcgonagall took the essay from his hands and rose from the wooden chair. Looking intently into his eyes, she continued: "Tell me. How are you?"
"I can assure you that there is nothing to worry about."
"I have difficulty believing that." A quick smile played over Minervas' pale face for a few seconds, before it was once again replaced by the anxious, troubled look which her face had carried for several days. "You're walking around the school like a ghost. The students hardly recognize you any longer."
"Well, I apologize for being a disappointment."
"You could never be a disappointment to me, Albus. I'm simply worried about you. I know that facing Grindelwald was difficult for you, especially since..."
"Minerva", Albus interrupted decidedly, turning towards his friend with a soft smile. "Everything is just fine. I promise."
He could clearly see the hesitation in Minervas' eyes, could see how she wanted to say something more; but she stayed silent. At last, she nodded swiftly and sent the chair back to the corner of the room with an elegant wave of her wand. Albus struggled to keep the smile from faltering, to keep the facade intact as she quickly approached him and gently patted his shoulder.
"Just... Please know that you can always talk to me. My door is always open. And Albus..." She turned back towards him in the doorway, her blue eyes strangely sad. "Remember to try to make peace with yourself before you try to forgive someone else."
The door closed behind her before Dumbledore had any chance to answer. He replayed Minervas' cryptic, well-meaning words a few times in his mind, before slowly walking over to the window and parting the dark red, heavy velvet curtains. Looking out on the sun setting outside, he knew almost instantly that Minerva had requested something impossible. That it was possible for him to forgive Gellert, but that it would take many, many more years to forgive himself.
* * * *
The following morning Albus woke up with a start. He was breathing in harsh, quick breaths; his chest rising rapidly with every frantic inhale. His heart was beating impossibly fast somewhere in his throat, and a stinging pain could be felt through his right, numb arm. For a few seconds, the entire world seemed to be falling apart. But then he suddenly realized that he had only been dreaming, and a sigh of relief tore free from within his chest.
He lay there for a couple of minutes, turned towards the window; simply trying to breathe and forget the horrifying images which still flashed through his mind. The two of them in a big room; circling each other like lions waiting to attack their prey. The crowd screaming for action, for him to kill Grindelwald, and the panic breaking free in his chest when he realized that he actually would. Gellerts' confused, despairing face as he was struck by the fatal spell, all life slowly leaving his eyes...
In the dream, he had killed him; but in reality, Albus knew that he never could. And in a way he hated himself for that. Swiftly, Dumbledore wiped a tear away from his cheek and rose from the soft bed; his legs feeling weak as he took a few steps further into the bright room. Looking at himself in the mirror, he suddenly realized that he was still wearing his suit from the day before. He knew that he should probably change, but found that he had no energy to do so. He could just as well do that later.
At that moment, Albus' blue eyes fell on a small, thick envelope lying on the desk. The envelope was light-brown, and in its right corner was an appallingly familiar symbol visible... Albus could feel his heart once again speeding up in his chest, black dots clouding his vision as he reached blindly for the envelope. With hands which trembled in excitement and fear, he managed to open the envelope with a paper knife and take out the letter. The letter had only five words written across it, in a handwriting which he both did and did not recognize. A lump started to form in his throat, and he could barely breathe as he read the messy words over and over again.
I need you here, please. /G
Taking the words in, Albus blinked several times. A thousand thoughts seemed to race through his head. What if this was just one of Gellert's usual tricks? What if it was a trap? Or what if it was real, an honest attempt to really talk the situation through? Albus was convinced that they both needed that. And he would be damned if he was wrong, because this time he really was gambling with his life and safety, but it was a risk that he was willing to take.
* * * *
The snow white yard in front of Nurmengard castle was completely empty when Albus arrived. He stood still for a few moments before he started walking towards the black doors into the building; simply listening after the sound of voices or footsteps approaching. He could hear nothing, except from the happy, soft chirping from a bird somewhere nearby and the cold wind blowing over the yard.
For a second, Albus hesitated. Maybe Gellert had sent his acolytes away? Or maybe, if he really had become so evil as the world seemed to believe, this was all a trap. At that moment, when Albus' heart once again began to race in his chest and he made a sudden attempt to reach for his wand, the doors into the castle opened.
Gellert Grindelwald was standing in the doorway; his beautiful, heterochromia eyes full of emotions as he looked at Albus. His thin lips were slightly parted, his black shirt not buttoned all the way up to his neck; exposing the pale skin of his throat to the freezing, Austrian breeze. He was so beautiful, but to Albus - he also looked terrible. All color seemed to have left his face, dark shadows encircled his puffy eyes, and he seemed to Dumbledore to be at least ten years older than he really was.
After several seconds, Albus slowly lowered his gaze to the stone staircase in front of him. He softly cleared his throat and waited for the other to say something, and for what felt like an eternity, everything was deathly quiet. Then Gellert finally spoke.
"Thank you for coming here today. I must say, I highly doubted you would." His voice was raucous, exhausted; lacking all strength and charisma which usually defined it, but still the very sound of it sent a strong shiver down Albus' spine.
Grindelwald did not seem to be angry with him, at least, and that provided Dumbledore with the courage to once again raise his gaze and look into the eyes of his worst enemy and only love.
"Then you don't know me half as well as I thought", he said at last, watching as a strange expression momentarily crossed Gellerts' pale face. A ghost of a smile, a glimpse of joy could be seen at the comment which was so typical of Albus Dumbledore. "You should know by now that I can never turn down any such request, when it comes from you."
"You have refused to join me quite many times."
"That's not the same."
"Perhaps." A short pause followed. "Well, you're welcome inside."
"Thank you." Their shoulders brushed gently against each other when Albus walked past him into the dark hallway, and Dumbledore could feel how his breath got caught in his throat. A quick glance into Grindelwald's eyes betrayed that he, too, felt the same.
A few seconds passed in silence, but then Albus finally managed to tear his eyes away from the other man's intense gaze. He took a decisive step backwards; all the while hearing the deafeningly loud sound of his heart beating in his ears, through his entire body.
It was awful, terrifying that Grindelwald still made him feel like this; that neither of them had been able to find someone else; that they could not be together, nor apart.
Gellert led him in silence to a black door in the middle of the corridor. He pushed down the handle, stepped inside and gestured for Albus to do the same.
The room seemed to be Gellerts' private office, and it was surprisingly small in comparison to the size of the rest of the castle. The furnishing was simple but neat. A bookshelf extended itself alongside the blueish wall ahead of them; black velvet curtains swayed gently in the cool breeze from the half open window, and on the desk lay the silver necklace which Albus had given to him so many years before.
Albus' blue eyes seemed to freeze for a moment as he took the sight in. Then, after several seconds, his gaze flickered back to Gellert, and a slight smile appeared on his face. Gellert was gazing at him with eyes which betrayed the softness which had always been there whenever he looked at Albus.
"I didn't think you'd keep it", Albus said at last.
"Of course I did."
"Why?"
"You know why."
"Actually I don't."
Grindelwald threw him an irritated glance; his gaze one of frustration and something which Albus could not quite label. Dumbledore knew very well of Gellerts' difficulties when it came down to expressing emotions, and he therefore decided to drop the matter. "Why did you ask me to come here today?", he asked instead, and noticed as if in a strangely vivid dream how the two of them seemed to drift magnetically closer to one another.
"Because we need to talk. I must know, Albus... Will you actually fight me, when the Ministry asks you to?"
"If it's necessary to stop you."
Gellerts' gaze hardened; his soft, warm eyes became cold and detestful. "I'm simply executing what you and I planned to do together."
"I never agreed to go this far."
"You hardly ever protested, either."
"No", Albus agreed easily, his gaze still locked to Gellerts'. "I didn't. Because I was young and naive, and because you enchanted me. I loved you. And I still do, however much I hate myself for that."
A strange expression overtook Grindelwald's face at the sound of his words. He breathed deeply through his nose and exhaled shakily, his hands shaking slightly as he stepped closer to him.
"If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation", he spat out at last, his voice filled with bitterness and anger.
Albus felt as though he had been struck over the face. "Is that what you think?", he answered finally, in a faint, impossibly quiet voice which trembled with barely held back tears. "Then you truly have little understanding for love."
Right after the words left his mouth, Albus knew that he had just crossed an unspoken line, that he had uttered something which was difficult to forgive. He could see it in Gellerts' eyes, even though he knew that the other man fought to look calm and nonchalant. The pain, the shock and the self-contempt was just as apparent to Albus as if Grindelwald would have screamed it to his face. Just when Dumbledore opened his mouth to apologize, Gellert disrupted him.
"Maybe I don't", he said, sneering at Albus with a cold look in his eyes. "But at least I'm not a coward like you. I don't change my mind after the weather, but you do. You always have."
"If you're referring to the day Ariana..." Albus failed to finish the sentence. He felt a tear fall from the corner of his eye, but he made no attempt to wipe it away. "My sister died. How did you expect me to react?"
"I expected you to prioritize my love over your brother's wishes..." Grindelwald spat the word out with spite, with anger; as though it was a curse. Then, quite suddenly, his eyes once again softened slightly, and he stepped a little closer to him. "I was never unaffected by your sister's death. You know that I would have offered you all the support in the world, if only you came with me."
"Yes. I know."
"So why didn't you?"
"You know why."
"Because you were afraid that I would tell you something you didn't want to know? Because you were afraid that it was your spell that killed her?"
Wordlessly, Albus nodded. Gellert snorted. "Even if you are right, even if I know whose curse it was... Why would I tell you about it?"
"Don't kid yourself, Gellert. You and I both know that you would tell me everything, if you suddenly felt like it. Simply to torture me."
"I have never wished to hurt you, Albus."
"Really? You manipulated Aurelius to kill me, Gellert!"
To Albus' great surprise, something which almost looked like shame overflooded Grindelwald's face. Slowly, the younger man lowered his gaze to the floor, his breath warm and damp against Albus' skin.
When did they end up this close to each other?
"I'm not proud of myself for doing that." Grindelwald sighed, stroking a golden strand of hair from his face. "You know very well that you are the only one who constitutes a real threat to me, and since you won't join me..."
"Do you still want me to?"
Gellert chuckled quietly. His eyes were gentle and soft against Albus' face as he slowly stepped closer, and answered: "Of course I do. Do you ever consider it?"
"All the time, but only in my dreams. I would never actually do it."
"So you will do the ministry's bidding and confront me? Lower yourself to the level of state bureaucrats and carry through what they are too weak to do themselves?"
"Yes. If you won't stop this madness freely."
"I won't."
"Then I guess there is nothing more to say. We must fight each other, in the end."
"Yes. But Albus..." The younger man drew in a shuddering breath and stepped even closer to him, with an expression filled with desperation, with fear. "I don't want to. Don't you think that I do."
"I don't think that either of us want to. But since we are both just as stubborn as we used to be there is probably no point discussing it."
The pain in Gellerts' eyes was almost too much for him to bear, and Albus had to turn his gaze away for a few seconds before he could once again meet his eye. Only far away did he hear Grindelwald's voice as the man spoke: "Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, terrified because I think that I have killed you during the duel. I don't want to hurt you, Albus, whatever you may think."
Albus' heart made a little jump in his chest at the sound of Gellerts' words, and he could feel how blood rushed up to his face. He heard Gellerts' heavy breathing in his ears, felt the soft puffs of his exhales against his warm skin. His eyes flickered, just for a moment, down to the other man's lips, and he was suddenly very aware of the fact that he stood pressed up against the desk, with Gellerts' strong, broad chest only centimeters away from his own.
"I have dreamt of that too", Albus whispered back, averting his gaze for a few seconds. "I hate it."
Gellert looked incertain, yet barely self-contained as his eyes slowly drifted over Albus' face, down to his lips. He gazed deeply into Dumbledore's eyes, one hand gently closing around his lower arm and stroking the skin there softly. Albus took a deep, shuddering breath and leaned slightly into the touch.
He wanted to kiss him, to touch him and never stop; but yet he knew that he should not. It would only make things a thousand times worse than it already was. Still, something must have shown on his face, because a few seconds later Gellert leaned impossibly closer to him, his eyes falling closed as their lips brushed gently against each other.
It was a simple, chaste kiss, but yet it felt just as intimate and intense as if Gellert would have pulled him close and discarded all clothes from his body. It was so intense, so impossibly wonderful and terrifying; and even though it only lasted two seconds, both of them were panting softly when it was over.
Then Albus drew him in for another kiss; all the while fighting to bury the feelings of guilt and shame which seemed to grow bigger within him by the second. Gellert carefully pushed him up against the desk, a slight tremor in his hands as he held onto Albus' upper arms. They abandoned their principles, threw away the logic screaming at them to stop; just like they had once before, and just like they would continue to do every time they were given the chance. Albus could not find it within himself to care.
Instead, he leaned into the kiss, exploring the other man's back with his hands and panting into his mouth. Gellert cupped his face and leaned ever closer to him; until every inch of their bodies were pressed together and Albus' head spun with adrenalin and lack of oxygen. At last, after what could have been an eternity, Gellert drew in a shuddering breath and pulled away slightly, as though afraid to back away further.
"Do you want to go further?", he whispered, breathing hard and fast against Albus' burning skin.
"Yes", Albus murmured back, brushing his forehead gently against the other man's. "But we can't. We will only end up hurting each other even more than we already have."
"I know", Grindelwald whispered back. His grip on Albus' arms became harder, forceful. "But I don't want you to go."
"Me neither. But I have to." Gellert gently stroked the side of Albus' face softly with his thumb, gazing intently into his eyes; almost as though looking at him for the final time. As if this was their final goodbye. But they had thought that several times already, and they had been wrong every time. That was, perhaps, the toughest and most challenging thing about their relationship: that they never knew what tomorrow would bring.
Finally, Gellert kissed him again; and it was a sad, terrible kiss, which made Albus feel as though the world was falling to pieces underneath his feet. Dumbledore thought that it probably was.
Albus cradled the other man's face and brushed their foreheads together one last time before they parted. By now, tears were streaming down his face like a rapid, but he made no attempt to wipe them away. Instead, he refused to turn down his gaze as he said, quietly: "I promise that I will make it quick, if I'm forced to...." His words faded away, he swallowed thickly. "You know."
"Me too. And Albus..." Once again, a ghost of a smile appeared on Gellerts' beautiful face. For a moment he looked almost like the teen boy who Albus had once known. "I truly used to love you. And I think that maybe l still do, even if you don't belive it."
Albus smiled, quickly wiping a tear away from the side of his face. Outside the window, a bird was chirping happily.
"I know", he said. "I know."