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There’s this ancient Chinese proverb that goes “Things go into reverse when pushed to the extreme” **. When you’ve had too smooth of a journey on Boys Planet, you are bound to meet one or two roadblocks that you just can't overcome.
** 物极必反 = could also be interpreted as "what goes around always comes around"
So when Zhang Hao saw the fourth trainee feedback sheet in a row commenting on “Zhang Hao was lacking in confidence” “did not have stage presence” "I couldn't see him at all", a swarm of frustration and helplessness overwhelmed him like a tidal wave.
Everyone looked up to Zhang Hao, the G-group Centre, subconsciously thinking that he was some sort of an invulnerable superhero who would be competent in everything being the pride of G group on this show. But in fact, he was merely another crybaby, vulnerable and insecure when it comes to roadblocks like this.
Sung Hanbin noticed ever since the start of practice that day that Zhang Hao's mood was a little off. His Hyung would always look at him with his adorable bright round eyes, but those eyes were dim and droopy, as he sat cross-legged beside him staring blankly at his feet. Although no words were coming out of him, this contemplative silence made it very obvious that Zhang Hao was upset, very upset.
"Hyung, what's wrong?" Sung Hanbin asked in the same casual tone he’d ask about today’s weather, pretending that nothing was wrong in the first place.
Zhang Hao was still trying his best to act tough, wiped his tears away on his sleeves swiftly, shook his head and said "nothing" without realizing that his voice was already quivering. After Hanbin asked him “what’s wrong” for the second time, he couldn’t hold his act up anymore, pouting after a failed attempt of holding his tears back as those tears finally ran down his cheeks.
Sung Hanbin intended for Zhang Hao to let our whatever stress and emotions bottled up in his heart in the first place, but when Zhang Hao actually started crying he still felt flustered, not knowing what to say. So he pouted too with drooping eyebrows making this crying face:
"Seeing you cry makes me wanna cry too Hyung --"
He pulled Zhang Hao into his arms, one hand holding his head buried into his own shoulders, the other around Zhang Hao’s shoulders giving him the ultimate safe space to cry.
"But it's okay, it’s always okay to cry if you want to, cry it all out, and then you'll find that it's really no big deal at all."
Zhang Hao's muffled voice came out of his arms, with a subtle nasal whistling sob, sounding all soft and sticky like mochi: "Are you the Hyung or am I the Hyung here?"
Sung Hanbin only laughed in response, his laugh resonating and vibrating across their chests. Zhang Hao’s soft hair was brushing against his neck, and Sung Hanbin felt that unexplainable itch, that tingling sensation radiating from the top of his skin to his heart.
After holding back the urge for a really long time, Sung Hanbin finally unleashed his hand tickling from that “innermost desire”, reached out and ruffled Zhang Hao’s hair while grinning uncontrollably. "Did anyone tell you that your hair is super soft, Hyung?”
Zhang Hao struggled to lift his head up from the embrace, those wet eyes glaring at Sung Hanbin with absolutely no threat, like an angry little chihuahua baring his teeth at his owner at most.
Sung Hanbin adored the way he looked, subtly changing his position in a way to block the camera, then planting a quick kiss on Zhang Hao's cheeks: "If you’re in a better mood, let’s start practicing. You can do it. I have the utmost faith in you Hyung."
There’s also this ancient Chinese saying that goes “Fengshui turns and knocks once at least at every man's gate” **. When Wumuti knocked on his doors late at night, telling him that Sung Hanbin went to have some alone time in the laundry room after crying by the stairwell, Zhang Hao felt both an heartache and an unspeakable urge to chuckle a little. We’re really quite the match in heaven huh? He thought to himself, not knowing where this thought even emerged from.
** 风水轮流转 = could be interpreted as “every dog has his day”
When he opened the door to the laundry room, Sung Hanbin was still crunched up in a corner of the room holding himself tightly, his body quivering while trying not to let out a single sound.
As soon as he saw him coming into the room, Sung Hanbin buried his face deep into his knees as he let out a muffled sob: "I asked Wumuti hyung not to tell you… he doesn't keep his word does he."
Zhang Hao kneeled down in front of him after shutting the doors quietly, trying to have him lift his face up to look at him: "Why don’t you want to tell me?"
"...... It’s embarrassing."
Zhang Hao pulled up this act of feigned anger, except that if Sung Hanbin were to look up he would see nothing but a grin on his face: "What's so embarrassing about crying in front of me?"
That soothing composure Sung Hanbin had when he was comforting Zhang Hao a few days ago was no where to be seen. He was trying to hold them back so hard but the moment he saw Zhang Hao, tears were falling out of his eye socket uncontrollably like glass bads. He sat there silently letting those tears fall like a steady stream, leaving wet tracks down his cheeks before looking up at Zhang Hao with those watery eyes: "Hyung ...... aren’t you going to give me a hug?"
Almost as if he was a whimpering puppy thrown into the rain without its master.
Sung Hanbin, the almighty, flawless K-Group Centre, Ace and Trump card of Boys Planet, always the reliable hyung to the dongsaengs who look up to him. Everyone cheered on him, rooted for him, wanted to hug him and hold his hand. Though out of those that seek strength and comfort from him, rarely would anyone ask him in return -- “Are you tired?”
Zhang Hao did exactly what he learned from Sung Hanbin, one arm around his shoulders, the other hand holding his head so it could rest on his shoulders while gently brushing his hair.
He felt the weight of Sung Hanbin on his shoulders, as well as the shoulder patch of his T-shirt being soaked in a warm puddle of his tears, it was quite a magical feeling, not the most appropriate comment to make about this scenario but it was something new to him. He continued to pat him on the back soothingly. At first Sung Hanbin was merely letting his tears stream down his face in silence, now that Zhang Hao started patting him like a lost child, he started sobbing a lot harder and started letting out a series of hiccups between sobs.
"Our Hanbinnie…." Being fully aware that Sung Hanbin was sobbing a bit too hard to say anything, he started taking the conversation over as he hugged Sung Hanbin harder. “You’re already doing so, so well, you really shouldn’t be giving yourself any more pressure than that. You’re a human before you are a Centre, and at the end of the day there is no perfect human.”
Zhang Hao planted a quick kiss on top of Sung Hanbin’s sweaty bangs.
"You don’t ever have to feel ashamed of anything in front of me. You can just a worry-free dongsaeng, you know that right?"
Sung Hanbin nodded in response, and started rubbing his face on his shoulders haphazardly: "Hyung ...... I love you so, so much, I really do."
Zhang Hao could not help but chuckle watching Sung Hanbin behave like a pampering puppy: "Okay, okay...... Yah! Sung Hanbin! Stop it you're getting snot all over me!!"
Oh the sweet long night, always the best breeding ground for love in the air.
The dim orange bed lamp casted a soft glow over the two and enveloped them like an invisible embrace. After that short bonding massage and the confession from the bottom of his heart, Sung Hanbin was rather clingy and pleaded Zhang Hao to lie down with him together.
And with those puppy eyes he sure gets what he wants, Zhang Hao covered the cameras in the corner with his clothes before putting his own pillow onto Hanbin’s bed.
With the lights dimmed and the cameras all covered up, Sung Hanbin started kissing him with no restraint, starting from his eyelids, to tip of his nose, and finally his lips.
In between kisses, Sung Hanbin gave yet another heartfelt confession, "Hyung, you’re not only the switch to my tears, you’re also the switch to all my emotions."
"You’re the source of all the best and worst emotions in me."
Zhang Hao heard those unspoken words he left unfinished, because he always, always understands him.
When we’re together, we don’t have to be the perfect, invincible superheroes.
We can just be each other’s crybabies.
Crybabies that belong to each other.