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“I don’t need you anymore.”
I repeat that to myself. The lie that makes itself true.
“I don’t need you anymore.”
And there it is. Peace floats down from the deep blue sky one day, so gently that I don’t even notice. After months of waiting, wishing and wanting, something settles upon me and takes it all away. I don’t need you anymore.
And it feels good.
—
Leo stood under the shower, letting the water soak his thick fur and find its way down to the drain between his feet. Memories drift, back and forth, to the front of his mind; in front of his eyes, then back to his ears. Brown fur turned golden in the sunset. A gentle voice at his side, in the car, the dusty roadside, laughter, music. He takes a deep breath and inhales hot steam, remembering where he is. He emerges from the shower a minute later, wrapping himself in an enormous, clean towel. Laundry was the hardest at first. A feminine activity that he never got used to. He couldn’t help but feel pathetic as his clumsy folds resulted in wrinkles that no one else was there to see. He knew now the secret geometry of each article, and his frequent trips to Payton always result in those satisfying sideways glances he used to thrive on back in high school.
High school. It took him a while to understand why his friends hated it so much. To him, it was a whirlwind of youth and power, love and discovery. The star quarterback and the perfect boyfriend. Every day, something familiar danced with something new, and he was grown enough to see it. To savor it. And for a long time after it passed, he craved it. He shuddered now, remembering those days. Time spent in the past, he thought, was time wasted, as he finished toweling himself off and got dressed.
It wasn’t until recently that he came to this conclusion, but he wasn’t sure when exactly it happened. Day after day, he kept his mind off things. It seemed impossible once. How could the same life he always lived be enough now? And as long as he thought of it that way, it wasn’t. Slowly, at the urging of an old friend, he began trying new things. Tentatively, at first– A different dish at the diner, a different walk through town. Then, later, more things. Car shows, movies. Restaurants in Payton. He started college classes again. Business, this time, but he took some English electives as well. It was always one of his weakest subjects. His friends used plenty of big words, sure, but it was different on paper, where you couldn’t hear the tone of the person saying it, or look them in the eye and know what they meant because you knew their soul.
Leo moved through the kitchen carefully, planning out his meal and his day, piece by piece. He’d try something new for lunch today, some recipe out of an anime that Jenna sent him. He was off work today. Should he catch a movie with Carl? Or go fishing with Flynn? What if he did something in Payton? Go to a bar, maybe? What if he met someone there? Should he take them home? Leo wrinkled his snout at the thought. Is that really what he wanted?
The thought stopped him in place, an uncracked egg poised above the pan in his large, calloused hands. What do I really want? He never used to ask himself that question. He smiled then, finishing the motion and watching the egg’s insides lower themselves into the melted butter with a satisfying sizzle.
—
I still wait for you. I don’t need you anymore, but I do.
My first love. My only love. How could I dream about anything else?
At night, it’s you. Floating down from the endless dark. I run outside as fast as my legs will let me, and I catch you. You fell, silly, from heaven, without a parachute. What were you thinking?
“I wasn’t falling,” you say, smiling up at me. I’m cradling you now, in my arms, and we’re in the house, on my couch, on my bed, somewhere. “I was just on my way down to see you. I knew you’d catch me. You always do.”
I wake up smiling. I’d never tell you this, but I leave my door unlocked now. You’d probably call me crazy, tell me “This isn’t the kind of town where that’s a good idea.” You always have something to say about the town, but the town is the last thing on my mind, otter.
I’m waiting for you. One day, you’ll come to see me. In the middle of the night, maybe. You’ll walk on your toes so as not to wake me, because you still love the way I look when I’m sleeping, just like you used to say. You’ll climb into bed with me and fall asleep there, and I’ll get to wake up and see your face again. Just like before, only different. And I’m okay with that. You look different now, you act different now. I’m different too. Different is good. New is good.
You don’t have to come back. I’m okay now. But if you want to, I’m still here. We don’t have to “try it again.” We can be new. We can go anywhere.
Come softly. Don’t wake me. I’m having the most beautiful dream.