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“No, I’m telling you, they won’t do it. It’s their job to ensure everyone’s getting good food, you won’t be able to convince them otherwise,” said Remus from where he was squished against Sirius' back under James’ invisibility cloak.
As of twenty minutes ago Sirius was finally an adult. He’d been waiting for this for so long. Of course, as of last summer it hadn’t been such a necessity for him any longer, seeing as he now lived with people who genuinely cared for him. Yet, the urge to be his own person, to not be dependent on his parents hadn’t faded completely. Turning seventeen meant more to him than just being allowed to legally buy firewhiskey.
The proper realisation that he was now an adult wouldn’t hit him until the morning, he knew that. Which was why the four of them were currently on their way to the kitchen to hopefully start the morning realisation the proper Marauder way – with a prank on the whole school.
“It can’t hurt to try, Moony,” James said in reply to Remus. “Anyway it’s not like a little change of colour makes the food bad. It’ll still taste nice!”
“I mean, wouldn’t hurt to make the Slytherin’s food taste bad...” contemplated Sirius.
Their idea was to turn every yellow food on the Hufflepuff table, every green from the Slytherin table, and the very few (if at all existing) blue food from the Ravenclaw table red, in honour of the most beautiful and amazing Gryffindor turning seventeen. It was a subtle prank, of course, but one that should get apparent enough once the sixth-year Gryffindors sang their usual happy birthday and all the not-yet-eaten red food would chime in.
Suddenly, in the middle of the sweet thoughts of the morning, of maybe getting the Slytherins in particular, James stopped walking and caused the other three Marauders behind him to stumble into the backs of the person in front of them.
Sirius peeked over James’ shoulder to see what had caused his best friend to stop so abruptly in his tracks. He could feel Remus and Peter also craning their necks to catch a glimpse. There, at the end of the corridor, stood someone, obviously trying to find the source of the conversation the four had had.
“I thought you checked the map,” Peter whispered.
“Shut it, Peter,” whispered Sirius back angrily. He had checked the map. He hadn’t seen anyone around, at least not walking anywhere where the four would be bothered.
“I know you’re there, Sirius,” the person called out and Sirius froze. That wasn’t just anyone. That was his little brother, standing mere feet away from them.
Sirius didn’t reply. He didn’t want to talk to Regulus. He had avoided him since the beginning of the school year, ever since he had run away from home, and he didn’t want to stop avoiding him now.
“Stop hiding!” continued Regulus. “If I wanted to report you to Professor McGonagall I wouldn’t actually need to see you, so there is no reason to not come out!”
“I’m gonna talk to him, make him leave,” whispered James quietly.
Sirius shook his head, before realising James couldn’t see that, so he said “No, let’s just leave.”
“We can’t leave quietly enough, he could easily follow us,” Remus pointed out.
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. “Alright. Just–” he didn’t continue.
James somehow still understood, whatever it was Sirius was trying to say. They all shuffled behind the statue of an old witch. James slid out from underneath the cloak and strolled over to Regulus.
“You’re not my brother,” Sirius could hear Regulus saying.
“I sure hope not,” answered James.
Regulus looked past James towards where Sirius and the other two were hiding. For a second Regulus’ eyes met his, even if his brother had no idea.
“Where is he?” asked Regulus.
“Not here,” replied James. “Leave it, alright? You don’t have to make him miserable today of all days.”
Sirius cringed involuntarily. Of course he was aware that his friends noticed that the thought of Regulus was making him feel terrible. But having it pointed out so blandly felt awful. In a way he felt like he was betraying his brother.
Regulus huffed. “Today of all days.”
“It’s his birthday, can’t you j–”
“I know,” hissed Regulus. “As opposed to him I actually remember dates.”
Sirius blinked. He had assumed Regulus had forgotten. Or at least not cared enough to acknowledge it. He hadn’t approached Sirius on his birthday the previous year after all... Not that Sirius had done it on Regulus’ birthday either. But that was different. Sirius didn’t seek out Regulus’ on his birthdays because Regulus didn’t want to see him on that day. Or ever, really. He was only trying to do him a favour.
“Reg–” Sirius heard James say, before he got interrupted by Regulus.
“Don’t,” his brother said coldly, before he turned to walk away.
Without realising what he was doing Sirius snuck out from underneath the cloak, ignoring Remus’ hand on his arm, and called after his brother.
“Reggie!”
He hadn’t said that name to Regulus in ages. He hadn’t really spoken to Regulus in ages.
Regulus stopped dead in his tracks.
James turned to Sirius, a worried expression on his face. “Sirius, you don’t have to...”
Sirius nodded slowly. They passed silent words between them only they could understand. Sirius had to talk to Regulus, eventually. He knew that. James knew it, too. He hadn’t planned for it to be today but then again, he hadn’t planned for it to be ever. So today it was.
“You three go, I’ll join you in a few minutes,” Sirius said quietly.
James nodded as well, but he didn’t look happy about it. He squeezed Sirius shoulder gently, before joining the other Marauders under the cloak and disappearing towards the kitchens.
Now it was only Sirius and Regulus left.
Sirius felt incredibly uncomfortable. He really wasn’t ready to talk to Regulus. He didn’t know if he could forgive Regulus for what he had done. He also didn’t know if he even needed himself to forgive Regulus. Had his little brother done things that needed forgiveness? Probably. But it was Regulus. There had never been a thing before Sirius wouldn’t instantly forgive him.
Then his brother turned around and finally, after three months, Sirius was looking at him again. Properly looking at him.
Regulus looked the same he always had. Untouchable. A statue carved out of the words his parents had chosen for him. It gave Sirius a little jab right into his heart. How had nothing changed? How hadn’t Sirius absence left any trace on him?
“So?” he asked. He couldn’t ask more. He had no words. He had not planned out this conversation and was wholeheartedly unprepared.
Regulus looked stricken. It took him a while until he finally said, “Happy Birthday, Sirius” and then immediately looked away.
There was a clenching in Sirius chest. He hadn’t had birthday wishes from his brother in three years. Did Regulus feel guilty? Was that it? Was the happy birthday his attempt of making it all better, pretending it had never happened? Pretending he had never stood aside motionless as their mother cursed Sirius worse than ever before, unflinching and uncaring? Pretending he wasn’t completely indifferent to Sirius getting tortured while Sirius had always set everything on protecting his little brother even if it got himself almost killed?
Well, it wasn’t enough.
“That all?” Sirius asked flatly.
Regulus looked up again, a sharpness to his eyes. “What else do you expect?”
Sirius huffed. “What else? An explanation, at least. Maybe an apology?”
“An apology?” Regulus hissed. “You want an apology? You’re the one that left! You’re the one who hasn’t even looked at me for the past three months! Really, you haven’t properly looked at me for the past five years! And you expect an apology? If anything I’m the one who deserves one!”
“I protected you!” Sirius blurted out. “I had to protect you!” Didn’t Regulus understand? All he had ever done, his entire life, it all had been for him.
“I didn’t need your protection!” Regulus burst out, “I just needed my brother!”
At those words Sirius’ brain shut off. “I never stopped being your brother, Reggie! You’re the one that drove me away!” he scoffed. “You stopped caring. You blindly followed them and never thought about what that meant. You stood by time and time again and let them do whatever they wanted. Really, in the end it was you, Reggie, you’re the reason I left.”
“No...” Regulus choked out, “No, that’s not true...”
Sirius took a step towards him. There was a ringing in his ears that wouldn’t go away. “You think you deserve an apology? You think you deserve anything from me?” he laughed coldly. “You’re just as bad as them, Regulus. You eat up every single bit of happiness and love that could ever exist in that house and let it rot inside of you. You’re rotting along with them. You don’t deserve anything.”
Regulus took a step back but Sirius didn’t care. He was far past the point of caring about anything. That was, until Regulus looked up at him. Looked at him and smiled.
It wasn’t a kind smile. It was the smile his mother had worn every time seconds before she lifted her wand against Sirius. It was the smile she had worn the last time Sirius had ever seen her. He stumbled backwards, trying to bring distance between himself and that smile, his body tensing up in the expectation of pain.
“You think I’m as bad as them?” Regulus said and it was a marginal relief, hearing his voice instead of Walburga’s, but it was not enough. “Well, you would know, wouldn’t you? You are exactly like her. She gave you her face and her eyes and her last name. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? You had to take it all, her entire character. You are just as destructive and controlling. Really, she should be proud of you.”
All Sirius could think was no. No. Not her. Not me. This was all he had ever tried to escape, all he had ever tried to avoid, turning out like his family… This couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t–
“I get it now, you know?” Regulus continued merciless. “You had to leave, because there wasn’t enough space for the two of you in the same house. You’re too alike. It must be wonderful having an entire new home just for you to turn dull. Tell me, have you already ruined Potter’s life the way you have mine? Or are you still working on that?”
The mention of James’ name was what snapped Sirius out of his frozen terror. In the split of a second it got replaced with burning rage. Not James, he thought. He’d never hurt James. James was good and wonderful and Sirius could never hurt him. The mere implication sent bolts of fire through his body, his vision going blurry, the ringing in his ears overtaking everything.
The next thing he realised was that his hand was hurting.
“You leave James out of this, you hear me?” Sirius heard himself say. “You have no idea– You don’t understand– James is good, and I would never–” slowly he registered his surroundings. Regulus was right in front of him. There was a tiny cut on his cheekbone, which got redder and more swollen by the second. Regulus was staring up at him with huge eyes. He was crying.
Sirius looked at his hand. There was a drop of blood on the knuckle of his middle finger.
This– No... This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t have happened. It couldn’t have–
“Reggie, I–” started Sirius, his voice breaking. He lifted a hand towards Regulus’ face, wanting to make it better, wanting it to not be real.
Regulus flinched away.
Sirius dropped his hand as if burned. He had done this. He had– he had hurt his little brother, his Regulus. And now he was looking at him the same way he used to look at their mother when he was still little. Fear and pain and betrayal laid out open in his eyes.
“Just like her,” Regulus whispered, before he turned around and ran down the corridor.
Sirius couldn’t move. Couldn’t do anything but stand by as his brother disappeared around the corner. So close, for just a moment, until Sirius had ruined it all.