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“Oppa, I’m fine! You can go now.”
Yoo Mia rolled her eyes at her older brother, who had been staying in her room at the hospital for more than a few hours. Yoo Joonghyuk frowned upon hearing his sister, but agreed. Yoo Mia had been nagging at him to leave for a while now, much to Yoo Joonghyuk’s confusion. Weren’t all brothers supposed to care for their sisters?
He got up, leaving the room while waving goodbye to his little sister.
As son as he exited the room, he quietly closed the door shut behind him, while breathing in the unique smell of the hospital. It wasn’t exactly pleasant but it had something comforting about it. Probably because when he was younger, he had always been in and out of hospitals, after various sports competitions.
He lifted his wrist, checking his watch. 2 hours. He still had 2 hours before he was supposed to meet his friend, Han Sooyoung for a project.
He lingered around the hospital waiting room, not entirely sure of what to do, until something caught his eye.
A boy, around his age, sitting outside in a park nearby the hospital. He was wearing a hospital gown, suggesting that he was a patient here.
The boy had his barefoot legs in a koi pond, giggling as fishes nibbled at his legs, before swimming away upon realising his feet weren’t food.
Pale skin, black eyes with long eyelashes, and a slender waist. The boy was somewhat lovely, even though from afar, he may only look average.
There was something that attracted Yoo Joonghyuk, although he wasn’t entirely sure what.
Yoo Joonghyuk left the hospital, making his way to where the boy sat.
He crouched down beside the boy, throwing a few small pieces of bread to the koi in the pond, bread which he had bought in the vending machine at the hospital.
The boys eyes drifted to Yoo Joonghyuk, before widening.
“Yoo Joonghyuk?”
Yoo Joonghyuk locked eyes with the boy. He knew his name?
The boy used his index finger to point at himself.
“It’s me! Kim Dokja! We used to be in the same form class a few years back! Ah well.. you probably wouldn’t have noticed me since you were so popular.”
Kim Dokja? That name was familiar, although Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t quite remember it.
“Oh.”
“To be fair, I was only In your class for a while, about half a year, before coming.. here.”
He gestured towards the hospital. Come to think of it, why was Kim Dokja even at the hospital? Yoo Joonghyuk decided that if Kim Dokja wasn’t willing to share, he wouldn’t force him to. The taller man has never been one to push.
“Hey, let me show you something.”
Kim Dokja gave Yoo Joonghyuk a toothy grin, as he got out of the water.
He grabbed Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand, lacing their fingers together as he started walking at a high speed, away from the koi pond.
They soon arrived at a lake, a lake with a single willow tree near it.
“No one really comes here anymore, plus the route here is kinda complicated, so I like to think of it as my special spot!”
Kim Dokja explained, his eyes bright as he looked at the lake.
Yoo Joonghyuk remained silent as he took in the sight.
Crystal clear water, a bright blue sky, not a single cloud noticeable. And an ethereal boy. A very ethereal boy.
“Why are you showing me this?”
“Hmm. I dunno. You seem like a nice guy. I can see a pleasant aura radiating from you.”
Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t help it, he laughed. He hadn’t genuinely laughed in a long time.
“A pleasant aura?”
“Yeah! It’s all bright colours.”
Kim Dokja’s smile grew wider.
“Are you one of those fortune tellers or something?”
“Mm. No. I just.. haven’t talked to someone my age in a while I guess.. so maybe everyone seems to have a good effect on me?”
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t know how to respond, so he stayed quiet.
“Anyways, let’s not talk about such depressing things! Do you know Han Sooyoung? She should be in your school right?”
“Yeah..”
Yoo Joonghyuk was reminded that he had to meet up with Han Sooyoung soon. And how exactly did Kim Dokja know her?”
“Oh cool! She was super nice to me on my first day!”
Ah well Han Sooyoung did seem to be someone who was good hearted, if you ignored all her snarky and sarcastic remarks.
“Ah ok. I have to get going soon.”
A flicker of disappointment could be seen in the others eyes, if not only for a millisecond.
“Oh ok! Well it was nice meet you Joonghyuk-ah! Is it fine if I call you that?”
“Yeah I guess.”
He probably wouldn’t see the boy again, but he hoped that perhaps they might bump into each other sometime.
________________
“Hey, focus!”
Han Sooyoung snapped her fingers in front of Yoo Joonghyuk, jolting him back to reality. Ah. Had he been thinking about Kim Dokja again? How odd.
“Look, I’m supposed to meet up with Yoo Sangah later, so can you stop spacing out and actually work on this project?”
Han Sooyoung said, scowling.
“Mm.”
He forced his memories of his encounter with his ex-classmate to the back of his mind, and inhaled.
“Do you know anyone called Kim Dokja?”
Dammit. He had no idea why he asked that question. It just.. came out.
“Oh. The transfer student who left? Yeah I remember him, why?”
Han Sooyoung narrowed her eyes, skeptical. Yoo Joonghyuk hadn’t noticed Kim Dokja before, so it was weird to bring the boy up in a conversation. Plus, it had already been a few years since he left.
“Ah.. nothing. Forget I said anything.”
“…”
“Han Sooyoung, what does it mean if you can’t stop thinking about someone?”
Han Sooyoung looked up in bewilderment.
“Okay, what is up with all these weird questions?”
Han Sooyoung asked, frowning.
“Mm.”
“Don’t just go ‘mm’! Do you have a crush or something?”
“What? No!”
Yoo Joonghyuk had just met the man, so it definitely wasn’t love. Perhaps, curiosity?
________________
It’s not like he went there to see Kim Dokja. He was just checking in on his sister. It had been two days since their meeting now, and in those days, Kim Dokja had stayed in his mind.
“Hi. May I know what room Kim Dokja is staying in?”
He asked the nurse, avoiding her eyes.
“Are you a relative?”
“Just a friend.”
The nurse looked at him suspiciously, before replying,
“Room 51, just down the hall.”
Muttering his thanks, Yoo Joonghyuk left quickly heading to the room.
He swiftly opened the door to the room, holding his breath as he laid his eyes on the familiar boy. Kim Dokja was curled up in a ball on his bed, phone in hand as he looked engrossed in whatever he was reading or watching, so much that he hadn’t noticed Yoo Joonghyuk coming in.
“Kim Dokja.”
“Eh? Joonghyuk-ah!”
Kim Dokja beamed as he waved at the younger.
“What brings you here?”
Yoo Joonghyuk sat on the seat beside Kim Dokja’s.
“I was just visiting my sister.”
“Ah. Is she alright?”
“Yeah. She just broke her ankle.”
“Oh! Well I hope she gets better soon.”
Yoo Joonghyuk nodded.
“What are you reading?”
Kim Dokja’s eyes lit up.
“Well, it’s actually this super interesting Webnovel.”
He continued chatting, on and on, and Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t find it annoying one bit. He got to listen to the boy’s voice, and.. he felt content. Being with the boy, it was something he enjoyed.
“So. Is there anything you want to do in the future?”
Kim Dokja asked.
“I.. want to become a streamer.”
He had always enjoyed gaming, one of the things he was good at.
“What about you?”
“Hmm. Well not much really. I guess.. i know what I’m about to say is really cheesy- but just bear with me.”
“I want to find someone, someone who actually appreciates and loves me. I want to spend my days with them, maybe settle down in a two-floored house, have or adopt children, so the house has to be somewhere close to a school. And, I think.. that’s it. I just want to have someone who makes me happy.”
Kim Dokja smiled, as if what he had said wasn’t a big deal. Compared to what Kim Dokja said, becoming a streamer hardly felt important.
“Oh okay.”
“Sorry. Was that too much?”
Kim Dokja asked, smiling apologetically.
“No. Not at all.”
“Well, on top of that, I also want to try writing a Webnovel one of these days.”
Kim Dokja said, his usual smile returning, as he tried to lighten the mood.
“I’d like to own a sword.”
“Ooh. Why don’t we write down all the things we plan to do in the future?”
Kim Dokja searched through a drawer in the bedside table, before pulling out a notepad.
“You start first. Let’s see how many we can list!”
Kim Dokja said cheerily, his face now resembling that of a Cheshire Cat. It was rather cute.
The things they wrote ranged from going to Europe to getting married in autumn.
Before they realised, time had passed and the sun was setting.
Kim Dokja stared at the sunset, an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes.
“The sunset is beautiful today, no?”
Yoo Joonghyuk watched him carefully.
“Yeah.”
They stayed silent for a while, not a single word spoken as they observed the sunset, taking in its mesmerising beauty.
“Hey, Joonghyuk.”
“Hm?”
Kim Dokja tried his best to put on a smile.
“Sneak out with me tomorrow?”
“Where do you want to go?”
Yoo Joonghyuk replied, barely even hesitating.
“The library. The one close to our school.”
Kim Dokja’s eyes drifted back to the window, a look of longing visible.
“Of course.”
Hell, if Kim Dokja wanted to go to the end of the world, Yoo Joonghyuk would follow.
This feeling he felt with Kim Dokja.. let’s call it love.
________________
“Ah! You’re here!”
Kim Dokja exclaimed, ecstatic, as Yoo Joonghyuk walked into the room.
“Did you bring it?”
The shorter boy asked, bouncing in his bed.
Yoo Joonghyuk laid the bag he was holding in front of Kim Dokja, gesturing for him to take out its contents.
Kim Dokja excitedly looked inside, as if he was opening a birthday gift.
“Thank you so much, Joonghyuk-ah!”
Kim Dokja held up a hoodie, black in colour, one which Yoo Joonghyuk had grown out of.
Apparently Kim Dokja needed a ‘disguise’ of some sort to exit the hospital.
Yoo Joonghyuk watched as Kim Dokja picked up the hoodie, and went to the bathroom to change, humming an unfamiliar tune.
When he appeared again, it was as if Yoo Joonghyuk had been hypnotised. There wasn’t really anything abnormal about the boy, apart from the fact that he was wearing Yoo Joonghyuk’s clothes, but he seemed more.. alluring.
“Ok let’s go.”
It was obvious that the nurse outside recognised Kim Dokja, but she let it slide. After all, the boy looked the happiest he’d been in years.
When they finally arrived at the library, Kim Dokja inhaled, taking in its unforgettable scent.
A combination of grassy notes with a tang of acids and a hint of vanilla over an underlying mustiness. to most, it would sound disgusting, but to Kim Dokja, it smelled like.. a safe space.
He quickened his pace as he approached tall bookshelves, bookshelves which seemed to reach the sky. Rows and rows of those bookshelves, it seemed as if one could not read everything in their short lifespan.
Yoo Joonghyuk recalled the paper the two boys wrote on yesterday. The paper containing their dreams and what they hoped to achieve.
There was a certain sentence on it he recalled as Yoo Joonghyuk watched Kim Dokja. Kim Dokja who was now peacefully browsing through the shelves, picking out a book which caught his eye from time to time.
‘Read every book in a library.’
That was one of the many dreams Kim Dokja had shared with Yoo Joonghyuk. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why Kim Dokja had asked Yoo Joonghyuk to accompany him here out of the blue.
He caught up to Kim Dokja, and whispered,
“What did you take?”
He observed the cover of one of the books in Kim Dokja’s hand.
A silhouette of a tall man, hand holding a double edged sword. Beneath the man, words which read ‘ways of survival’.
“Oh! I heard about this book from one of the patients at the hospital, so I figured why not check it out?”
“Hm.”
“You’re not gonna get anything?”
“I dunno. Maybe I’ll take another copy of that book you’re holding.”
Yoo Joonghyuk replied, pointing at the book he described previously.
“Oh alright! There are still a few more sections I wanna check out, so you can just go find a seat first.”
Kim Dokja stated, before waving, and rushing off to other parts of the huge library.
Yoo Joonghyuk then proceeded to do as Kim Dokja told, finding an empty table and quietly sitting down as he opened ‘Ways Of Survival’.
However, he didn’t get to read for long. After a few sentences, Kim Dokja had arrived, now carrying around 9-10 books.
Yoo Joonghyuk widened his eyes, quickly rushing to help the skinny boy.
“Are you sure you can finish those?”
Kim Dokja shrugged.
“I’ll just borrow them if I can’t.”
He settled down at the seat opposite of Yoo Joonghyuk, quickly starting on his first book. Soon, the boy was immersed in his own world, head filled with nothing but the fantasy which was a book.
Yoo Joonghyuk on the other hand, could barely focus. His eyes kept drifting back to Kim Dokja.
The way the other boys eyes crinkled into crescent moons when he got to a part he found funny, and the melodic laugh he left out. Along with the facial expressions, be it disgust, shock or horror when a plot twist appeared. All these actions were noted by Yoo Joonghyuk.
To be able to watch Kim Dokja for an entire day, that would be Yoo Joonghyuk’s equivalent of heaven.
_______________
“Thanks for coming with me, Joonghyuk-ah! It was fun.”
They were back at the hospital, Kim Dokja back in his hospital gown, hoodie returned to Yoo Joonghyuk.
“Kim Dokja.”
“Yeah?”
“I like you.”
Yoo Joonghyuk was aware that what he said was probably a shock, but the reaction Kim Dokja gave was the last thing he could have expected.
Kim Dokja had started crying, his happy expression long gone, his face crumpled.
“No, wait. Don’t cry.”
Yoo Joonghyuk wiped away Kim Dokja’s tears, confused. Kim Dokja simply pushed away his hand, backing away.
“I’m sorry. Don’t visit me anymore.”
He closed the door, the sound of the lock clicking softly could be heard.
Yoo Joonghyuk was left standing outside, expression a mix of hurt and puzzlement. Why? He would have accepted it if Kim Dokja had just rejected him, but why had tears started streaming down his face? To see the boy cry was truly heartbreaking, especially when he himself was the cause. And why did he want Yoo Joonghyuk to stop visiting him?
“Kim Dokja?”
He knocked on the door, unsure of what to do. There was no reply.
________________
The next day, although Kim Dokja asked him not to, Yoo Joonghyuk came back to the hospital.
Thankfully, the door was unlocked this time.
“Kim Dokja?”
He warily opened the door, entering the room.
All of Yoo Joonghyuk’s defences crumbled upon seeing the state of the boy.
Kim Dokja had brought his face to his knees, eyes red and puffy, mixed with eye bags, signalling that he had barely gotten any sleep.
“Yoo Joonghyuk..”
His voice was shaky, slightly disbelieving.
“Kim Dokja..”
Yoo Joonghyuk repeated, rushing towards the boy, pulling him into an embrace. Kim Dokja didn’t resist his touch this time, surrendering to Yoo Joonghyuk’s hug, as he gripped the shirt the taller boy was wearing.
“Why were you crying..?”
“I.. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes softened as he pulled away just slightly to see the others face.
“Do you know why I’m stuck here? In this shithole?”
He gestured to the room. Yoo Joonghyuk responded with a shake of the head.
“I’m ill, Joonghyuk-ah. I’m terminally ill.”
A bittersweet smile was visible on Kim Dokja’s face, as tears continued to flow down his red cheeks.
Yoo Joonghyuk had now broken down too.
“What? No- what do you mean?”
Kim Dokja caressed Yoo Joonghyuk’s cheek, gazing at the younger.
“I’m sorry. It was selfish of me to think that I could’ve been with you.”
Kim Dokja murmured.
“Stop apologising, it’s not your fault.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s voice was barely above a whisper now, unable to speak any louder than that.
“Can I kiss you?”
Yoo Joonghyuk asked hesitantly. Kim Dokja nodded slowly, closing his eyes.
Yoo Joonghyuk brought his lips to Kim Dokja’s, savouring the taste of his lips. Yoo Joonghyuk’s kiss was tender, but at the same time, a sense of yearning could be felt. Yearning to increase the kiss’s intensity.
In those moments, the entire world faded away, nothing left but them two.
Yoo Joonghyuk pulled away, eyes studying Kim Dokja. Wanting to know what he felt. Regret? Enjoyment? Disgust?
“I love you, Kim Dokja.”
Yoo Joonghyuk whispered, his tears having dried.
Kim Dokja shook his head. No. He didn’t want to hurt Yoo Joonghyuk, knowing that one day, one day he wouldn’t be able to be there for the boy. For the only boy who seemed to actually care about him for the first time in years. For the boy who he truly loved.
Kim Dokja kept repeating his apology. He didn’t want this. Why did he think it was a good idea to try and get close to Yoo Joonghyuk? Why did he do that when he knew that if he succeeded, he’d cause nothing but pain.
“I.. I don’t want this.”
Was all he could say, as he maintained eye contact with the other.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to. He couldn’t bear the thought of Kim Dokja leaving, just when he’d found the boy.
Why was life always so unfair? Perhaps, if Yoo Joonghyuk had just taken the initiative to talk to the quiet boy in class a few years back, he could’ve spent more time with him.
If only just for once, he could go back and change the past, but he couldn’t.
“How much longer?”
“I.. I don’t know.”
Kim Dokja stuttered, as he leaned into Yoo Joonghyuk’s chest. Yoo Joonghyuk placed a hand on top of the shorter boys head, gently playing with strands of his hair. They stayed in that position for a long time, having conveyed their emotions to each other.
________________
Yoo Joonghyuk’s heart dropped. The bed where Kim Dokja was supposed to lie, in his hospital room, grinning as usual, was empty.
The entire room was tidy, as if there had never been an occupant to begin with.
He moved back, to check wether he was at the right room or not. Yeah. He hadn’t made a mistake. This was Kim Dokja’s room.
He ran towards the nurse he had asked directions from previously.
“Hi, excuse me. Do you know what happened to the patient in room 51?”
Yoo Joonghyuk asked, fear visible in his voice. The nurse looked up at him sympathetically, before reaching into her drawer and pulling out something. A letter. She passed it to him, before saying,
“Go read it. I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Yoo Joonghyuk felt as if his world was crashing. He took the letter from the nurses hand, his movements unstable.
He left the hospital, the envelope still sealed shut, and headed towards Kim Dokja’s spot. The one he was showed on their first meeting.
He sat down, beside the willow tree. Releasing a shaky breath, he opened the letter, unsure of what to expect.
‘ Hello Joonghyuk-ah! If you’re seeing this then.. I’m probably gone. I asked the nice nurse to keep this for you in case anything happens. So first off, I’m sorry. So so sorry for everything you might feel right now. You deserve everything- really.
I truly hope that you’ll move on, maybe settle down somewhere with a wife and a son, do all the things
we
I couldn’t.
And.. I love you. Loved you. And I will, till my last breath. It was a pleasure to meet you in this lifetime, and hopefully, I’ll be able to meet you in better conditions in the next.
So wait for me. Ok?’
Yoo Joonghyuk read finish the letter, tears brimming at his eyes.
“Yes. I’ll wait for you. So you better wait for me too.”