Chapter Text
Maya is finally home after a long shift on desk duty. The old Maya would've hated being on desk duty because she wasn't in the center of the action. Answering the phone, talking to people, hearing on the radio her colleagues on the fields, on actions, writing reports.
The old Maya would've considered these things useless.
Because on desk duty she isn't able to prove how good she is, how brave, how strong, how fantastic she is.
But the new Maya, the Maya that is growing and growing every day since she started therapy, sees things in a totally different way.
Desk duty is also important, everything that happens in a fire station is important and her role on desk matters too. Being on desk doesn't make her less strong, less brave, less good.
Maya Bishop knows that she is a fantastic human being and she's starting to learn that she doesn't need someone else's approval.
Just her's.
And maybe her wife.
Right, her wife.
The best part of her day - of her month - was when she went checking on Carina.
When she had the privilege - the joy - of holding her wife in her arms again. Feeling her warmth against her body. Her skin under her lips.
When Carina let her in, she was afraid she would've started to cry.
When Carina pulled herself closer to Maya's chest, she cried for real.
Her wife was sick and it was her fault, with everything else that was her fault, but even in that moment Maya thought that she was gorgeous.
She wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, even after vomiting so much, even when she was so pale and sweaty, but Maya wanted to respect Carina's space.
Going there, after intruding at her workspace that morning, was already too much.
But she promised that day, in front of all the people that love them.
In health and in sickness.
She had to at least check on her.
And now Maya was home, thinking again and again about that little kiss on Carina's forehead.
It was nothing but for Maya was everything.
Leaving that room was the hardest thing tha Maya has done in a very long time, but she had to. She had to take the little things right now.
Step by step.
Holding Carina in her arms.
A kiss on the forehead.
It was a lot.
She hasn't heard Carina in the last few hours of her shift and while she was busy at work it was easier to ignore the painful desire to text her.
But now she is home with nothing to do but thinking about her sick wife alone in a hotel room.
And it was all her fault.
From the fact that she was in a hotel room to the food poisoning.
The old Maya wouldn't ever return to an empty home to eat and rest. She would hide at the station ignoring her feelings.
But the new Maya doesn't run away from her feelings and from her fears.
She faces them.
Coming home every day after work is a commitment to herself, to Carina, to their marriage.
To their family.
It's Maya choosing her wife every day.
So when Carina finally feels ready to come back home, to come back to her, she will be there.
But now Maya wishes she could be still working, distracting herself from the thought of her wife alone in that fucking hotel room. Sick. Weak. Maybe dehydrated.
She starts some respiratory exercises that Diane is teaching her when her phone buzzing interrupts her lame attempt to calm herself.
It's a text from Carina: I'm alive.
She quickly answers: Thank God.
And immediately adds another text: Can I call you?
She hopes that she isn't pushing too hard but she really wants to hear Carina's voice.
Carina doesn't answer but she is the one calling Maya.
"Ehi" whispers Maya. "How are you?"
"Terrible, but better" Carina's voice is low, tired. "But please make me a promise."
"Anything" answers Maya, in a low and nervous tone, while her stomach flinches at the sound of Carina's voice
"Next time you wanna do something nice for me please bring me a good cup of coffee" she says. "At least I know that you can make decent coffee. Or buy one."
Maya stays quiet for a few seconds and then she asks: "Can I?"
"What?"
"Bring you a good cup of coffee?" asks Maya, without daring to hope for a positive answer from her wife.
"Yeah… I guess you can."
"But today you weren't happy when I brought the lasagna."
"Because I wasn't happy, but Bailey got me thinking that it was a nice gesture from you and despite what happened after I ate it, it was very sweet from you Maya… I was just surprised, you caught me off guard. I didn't expect you coming through that door this morning and I was rough with you."
"You had all the reasons to be rough, I'm sorry for barging at your work without asking you before if it was ok, when you said you wanted space. It's just…", but Maya stops before saying too much. She doesn't want to make Carina uncomfortable.
"It's just-?", asks Carina anyway.
"I wanted to see you so bad. I wanted to do something nice for you. I wanted to bring you something that was important for the two of us. And even if I practically almost killed you I wanted to show you that I was thinking about you not just with a text but with something meaningful", says Maya, trying to be the clearest and honest possible. "I'm sorry, I overstepped."
"It's ok, it was a nice gesture, despite all."
Maya chuckles, can't help it.
"It's not funny Maya", but Carina is smiling too.
"I'm sorry, my God. I'm so sorry. And I woke up before dawn just to cook it properly."
But now they're laughing, the both of them, through the phone. Maya sitting on the couch of their house, Carina on the bed of an anonymous hotel room.
Distant but at the same time close for the first time in months.
When the laughter fades, Maya asks: "You managed to rest?”
"Not at all, I was on that bathroom floor until ten minutes ago, when I found the strength to go lay on bed."
"You should try to sleep. And don't forget to drink a lot of water", says Maya. "Talk to you tomorrow?”
"Yes."
"Goodnight Carina."
"Goodnight Maya."
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Two days have passed since Maya poisoned Carina with lasagna. She knows that her wife came back to work because yesterday they texted each other a few times, just so Maya could know how Carina was.
Maya worked a 24 hour shift, it's morning again and she's coming back home for a shower and a nap when she finally decides to give another shot. She calls Carina's ward, checks with the nurse at the front desk that Carina is there and without thinking further decides to take action.
She enters Grey Sloan with a thermal cup in one hand, goes to the desk of Carina's ward and says hello to nurse Janet.
"Lieutenant Bishop, good morning."
"Good morning Janet. Could you give this to Carina?", asks, handing her the cup.
"As I said on the phone Lieutenant, Dr DeLuca it's in her office. You can bring the coffee yourself", says Janet, smiling encouragingly. Her heart warms up knowing that there's people who are rooting for her and Carina, despite how badly she treated her wife right in that hospital.
"I don't wanna disturb her. Please, give it to her. Thank you Janet, have a nice day", and with that she exits from the hospital without waiting for an answer. She knows that if she waits another second she won't be able to convince her body to step away from Carina's proximity. Knowing that her wife is there, so close to her, it's a temptation. She's craving for Carina's touch, for her warm body against hers, but she needs to set boundaries again. She doesn't have to push too hard.
Carina knows where to find her if she's ready.
While she's on her way back to the station her phone rings. Carina is calling her.
"This is the best coffee I had in weeks, thank you", Carina says in a gentle tone without giving Maya time to say anything.
"My pleasure", answers Maya, smiling.
"Where did you buy it?"
"I made it", says Maya proudly yet simply. She's so happy to know that her coffee was so good that Carina thought that she bought it in some cafeteria.
"Really? This is sooooo good", says Carina, sipping the coffee while talking.
"Yeah. I brought your coffee maker to work with me yesterday before shift and, well, I made it. No poisoning this time."
"No poisoning. Thank you Maya", says Carina in the sweetest tone ever.
Maya shivers and answers: "Happy you liked it. I had a wonderful teacher".
"I'm the best, indeed", says Carina.
"You sure are the best. Have a good day, Car", she adds, ready to close the call even if she wishes to stay on the phone for hours.
"You too. And Maya?"
"Yes?"
"Tomorrow knock on my door when you come", says Carina in a lower tone.
Maya stays silent for a moment.
She's surprised.
She's so emotional she thinks she could cry from happiness.
"Tomorrow, eh?", says Maya with a little smirk.
"Yeah, tomorrow. I'm sick of hotel's coffee"
"I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye Carina."
"Bye Maya."
I love you, adds Maya in her mind.