Work Text:
CARINA’S POV
Facing Maya's message on my cell phone - feeling every fiber of my muscles still twitching and tense in response to the surge of adrenaline that had taken over me from the moment I heard the first screams outside, which only got worse after a brick was literally thrown through a window, and watching two people get run over right in front of me - caused tears to creep into my eyes and a tightness to take over my throat. Seeing her implied cry for help in that text message made me think that she was much braver than I was.
I had had one of those days, the mixture of feelings that existed inside me made me feel kind of numb; the ups and downs of anger, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty kept mixing up with a warmth that now felt strange in my chest, one that was caused by hope and a new wave of love that seemed to want to overshadow all the negativity of my day, and what a powerful feeling this love was to be able to do this after such chaotic hours.
I wanted to surrender to this warm feeling, mostly after such a hard day, after spending the last few days trying to anticipate what Maya would say or do next, after weeks of having to force myself not to succumb to the crippling open wound in my chest that only grew as I watched the person I loved most in the world slip into a dark, pain-filled hole. I wanted that warm feeling.
Was I being weak for wanting this?
I kept hearing Ben's voice in my head telling me that finding a partner is about weathering the storms together, and I now found myself standing in the middle of a hallway, crying silently, feeling that the worst of the storms now surrounded me and I wanted - I needed - help. But how could I do this? How could I take the steps necessary to get what I wanted without dragging her into more confusion, more mess?
She didn't need that.
Step.
She needs time.
Step.
She needs space.
Step.
She needs to overcome a bad day herself.
A knock.
I can't breathe.
Another knock.
My heart is racing in my chest.
Blue.
Dark, opaque, almost non-existent now that her eyes were squinting to protect themselves from the hallway lights’ brightness, but there it was, the color that brought me peace, the color that brought life back into me even when all the suffering seemed endless, when everything wanted to make me give up, there it was the color I missed most to see every day seconds after waking up and being the last thing I saw before going to sleep.
-Carina? - Maya took two steps forward, her hands were cold against my shoulders, I could feel the temperature even through my blouse, but somehow, I already felt warmer. - What happened? Why are you crying? Are you alright?
I could only keep staring at her, noticing the way her eyebrows were creased, focusing on the worry that adorned her eyes, the way her lips moved, the way her throat moved as she swallowed hard.
She was there.
She was real.
-Talk to me, please. - Her voice almost broke, her hands slid down my arms toward my hands, but Maya's intense gaze remained on my face.
-I need you. - It hurt to speak the words out loud. Maybe my ego was a little bruised, my pride had definitely fought against that confession, but I couldn't lie to myself, I couldn't deny myself the one thing that would make my day the tiniest bit less devastating.
-Come in, please. - The softness in Maya's voice was still there, she looked at me uncertainly, she was also treading on eggshells around me since we had established a back and forth conversation through texts and calls, or seeing each other sporadically while using increasingly lame excuses to see each other, but she was there and she was real.
I followed Maya into the apartment, the lights were off, there wasn't a single audible noise that could indicate that she was awake when I knocked on the door seconds ago, but I knew she wasn't sleeping. I knew that one of her cheeks would definitely be marked if she was sleeping because, unlike me, Maya could sleep in one single position all night; the absence of this mark on her left cheek told me that she was moving restlessly in bed and a twinge of guilt rose in my chest as I realized that I had only arrived to bring even more drama to that night.
-Let me get your purse. - Maya held out one hand and I handed it to her. - Would you like a glass of water to calm down? Or... Wine?
-Wine would be good. - I swallowed hard and sniffled, realizing that my crying had subsided, and I wanted to roll my eyes at myself for being so predictable, for being so easily calmed by the mere presence of Maya around me.
-Wine is what we’re having, then. - A slight smile appeared on her lips.
I didn't have the heart to look around the apartment too much, but the smell of bleach was still strong, I knew it was perfectly clean, but I didn't want to confirm my suspicions that the cupboards and the refrigerator were almost empty, or to see that the treadmill had no boxes on it and that meant Maya had run again, I didn't want to look at the chalkboard in the kitchen, I didn't want to look at the details that made that place my home, but I couldn't take my eyes off Maya and she was on her own the greatest reminder I could have.
She was moving around the kitchen with a bottle of wine in one hand, corkscrew in the other, trying to balance one of the glasses between her fingers, all that while still keeping a wrinkle between her eyebrows, and realizing that this was still my Maya, the Maya who was impatient and wanted to convince herself that she could do a two thousand tasks all at once, made me crack a small smile - this wasn't necessarily the healthiest personality trait, but it was still something that made her, well… Her. It was still something that made her mine.
-I can help with the glasses. - I spoke walking toward her, and as much as I wanted to maintain my attitude, one of a person who was dealing with the separation process as a mature adult who needed time and space to set her priorities, the smile I had on my face remained there.
Maya gave me an embarrassed smile, one of those that makes you cock your head to one side, and a low chuckle begrudgingly escaped my throat; I picked up the glasses and walked behind Maya into the living room, watching her kneel in front of the coffee table to open the bottle of wine while I settled down on the couch.
-Half or full? - Maya asked and I held out my glass toward her.
-Glass practically overflowing, please. - I joked, but she didn't laugh, just raised her eyes to mine as she let the liquid flow out of the bottle.
-That bad? - She asked back, and I just nodded.
Maya didn't say anything, she poured some wine into her own glass - a considerably smaller amount than she had served me - and sipped it together with me.
-I saw your text. - I rested the glass against my knee while Maya stood up and turned to me, her eyes going to the couch like a wild animal that offered her danger. - Here.
I patted the leather next to me twice, turning sideways and bending one of my legs so that I could be looking directly at Maya when she sat down; the firefighter accepted the gesture and, albeit fearfully, sat down beside me, also turning towards me slightly.
-I did something bad a while ago. - Maya shifted her eyes from mine to her glass, her left index finger slowly skirting its rim. - When, you know, I was still...
-In a bad place. - I completed the sentence, afraid that she would use a worse phrasing.
-Yeah... - Maya was still not looking at me, but absolutely everything about her body language showed vulnerability at that moment, and I knew that at that instant she needed me as much as I needed her. - I gave Beckett a bottle of whiskey. I was hurt, and he was treating me like crap because I really had made mistakes that I regret a lot today, but I needed a victory, I needed to be on top for a few moments and... And I was cruel.
-Maya... - I started to speak, even though I wasn't sure what I needed to say at that moment, nor what she needed to hear from me.
-No, I know what I did, I know I did something bad, I know I need to apologize eventually, when I am ready and when he’s ready, but I… - Her voice was shaky, the glass of wine was again brought to her rosy lips and the woman sipped more of the drink as if the alcohol would give her the courage she needed to continue - But I keep looking back and keep realizing all the mistakes I've made, all the wrong things I've done, and it's exhausting. It's exhausting to realize that I have so much work to do, and that doesn't mean that I don't want to put the work in, it doesn't mean that I'm too lazy to do what needs to be done, I'm just.... So disappointed in myself.
It was my turn to drink from my wine. I didn't know how to deal with what she had told me; it was hard for myself to hear that Maya had been so cruel because the Maya I knew wasn't that person, the Maya I loved wouldn't be able to do something like that just to get some sort of victory, the Maya I knew... She seemed to be right in front of me that night.
-Makes me understand better how disappointed you must be in me; how hurt you must be with everything I put you through... - When her eyes came to mine, there were tears there and my heart cracked almost audibly inside my chest. - I'm trying.
-I know. - I was quick to respond, because I knew it was true, I knew that Maya was giving one hundred percent to her recovery, I knew that she was doing the work that needed to be done. That didn't mean that she was blameless, that all her mistakes should simply be forgotten, but that didn't keep me away from her. - I can see it.
-Can you? - Maya swallowed hard again, her chin trembling for a millisecond. - Because I'm really doing everything I can to get you back, Carina, even though I'm not doing it for you.
-You’re not? - I couldn't hide my shock, certainly I couldn't hide my disappointment, but Maya's hand against my face paralyzed me before I could ask her about anything else.
-No, I'm doing this for me. - She spoke back, so much softness in her voice that I thought a part of me would literally melt. I just wanted to close my eyes and listen to her, listen to the tenderness I so deeply missed. - I can't get help to keep you here, to keep you around, I need to get help to get back to being the woman you deserve to have by your side, and that work is inside me, with my issues, with my traumas, with my past, with my expectation of the future and Carina... You are a big part of it. You never ceased to be.
And just like that, with the honesty I so desperately needed to hear in Maya's voice, my heart seemed to blossom like a flower that had so eagerly awaited its first blooming.
-I have a session with Diane tomorrow. – Maya’s words brought me back to reality, and when her hand slid out of my face I missed her touch instantly. – I need to share that with her, the whole Beckett thing, I need her to help me get through this in a healthy way because I… I almost caved in… I almost went for a run tonight to avoid my thoughts and feelings.
-I’m glad you didn’t. – I whispered and some of my muscles relaxed a little knowing that Maya was now aware of the bad habits she have kept in the past, and that my wife was actually actively avoiding the things that would harm her.
-Can I ask what happened? - Maya asked, her eyes lowering to her own wine glass, avoiding mine as if she were afraid of my answer, and I hated that she felt that way. I hated feeling that way. - I'm glad you're here, but you were crying and... And you said that you needed me.
-I do. - I could see her effort, I could see how hard she was trying, and I knew that although she had put distance between us when she told me that it was over between us, it was I who chose to keep that distance after she was discharged from the hospital. Now that we were both choosing to get closer again, I felt that Maya was waiting for me, that she was following my pace, that she was respecting my boundaries, and that if I wanted to change that, if I wanted to have her close to me again, I needed to make it more than clear to her that I was willing to try again, even if at a different pace, even if more slowly. - I never stopped needing you, but today was an especially hard day.
Maya raised her eyes to me again, the yellowish light coming from the single light bulb in the corner of the room reflected in the blue immensity in front of me as she waited for me to continue talking, but it was hard to do that, it was hard to concentrate on reliving the bad parts of my day when I felt so good being around Maya at that moment.
-The reproductive care clinic had dozens of people protesting today, in a very aggressive way, they threw bricks against the windows, tried to get through security, and at the end of the day.... - My voice broke, my throat tightened again, and I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes. - A terrible disaster happened. Addison was hit by a car along with one of the residents of an out-of-state program. They were still in surgery when I left there, I just couldn't stay in the hospital, I couldn't stay in a place that was supposed to be safe, but was now being harassed by such closed-minded and ignorant people.
-Oh, God! – Maya’s eyebrows arched.
-Yeah. – I sniffled.
-Do you think they’ll be okay? – Maya asked back, her hand taking my free one. It was always something that left me puzzled, how Maya's hands could be so soft when she worked rolling hoses, lifting axes and heavy machinery, but regardless of the reason, her touch was always very welcome and calmed me in a way that nothing else in the world could compare.
-I hope so, but I don’t know, I couldn’t get involved, I was just so triggered by the whole thing. I kept thinking about Andrea the whole day, how he was trying to do some good and people kept coming at him even though he wasn’t well the first time he tried to call out that scheme. – My chin quivered and when I blinked I felt thick tears running down my cheeks. Maya let go of my hand so she could use that very arm to pull me closer and hug me, and I sighed.
The wave of relief I felt inside Maya's embrace seemed to silently hypnotize me to a place where all was well, where I was safe, where I didn't have to be afraid. Maya's embrace calmed my heart, soothed my thoughts, left me at peace to feel what I needed to feel without needing to be alert to the dangers around me because she was there, she would protect me from anything, I knew that. I still felt that.
I couldn't move, I couldn't contract a single muscle that would give her the impression that I didn't want that hug - because I desperately needed it - so I just leaned my head forward and let my nose meet the curve of her neck, inhaling deeply her scent the second her skin came closer to my face and my eyes rolled back in their sockets because, Dio mio, how I had missed having her close to me, being able to smell her, to touch her skin, to whisper sweet nothings against her ear, to kiss whatever part of her body I wanted just to satisfy my incessant need to feel her.
-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about everything that happened. - Maya whispered, her head moving slightly downward and connecting her lips to my ear. - I am here for whatever you need, you are not alone, and I know this is particularly hard for you, I know how hard you have always fought to give your patients all the dignity they deserve, and to see this simply ripped away from them? I can't even imagine... But I can be here, I can hold you and tell you that everything will be okay, that everything will fall into place even if we have to take the matter to the streets, scream our lungs out and make ourselves heard by whatever means. We will win this fight, and these ignorant and closed-minded people will have to accept that we are living in a world where no personal, individual, opinion should dictate the laws that protect the non-negotiable rights of women.
-Thank you. – I whispered back, still delighting in the feeling of being immersed in Maya’s presence, Maya’s smell, Maya’s touch.
-You don’t have to thank me, I’m here for you… - Maya leaned back and I had to turn my free hand into a fist to keep myself from grabbing her waist just so I could keep our bodies closed, but to my absolute relief, she didn’t move too far away from me.
She was still very close, the smallest of smiles now appearing on her lips, and I knew that she was trying to comfort me - and succeeding in doing so. Maya could give me hope because she was able to say absolutely everything I needed to hear, and that kind of connection I knew I wouldn't find in anyone else in the world. What Maya and I had couldn't be explained in words, the love we shared was only understandable by feeling it, but at that moment I could see it right before my eyes because the look Maya was giving me at that moment couldn't be described in any way other than the purest demonstration of love.
The softness of her smile, the lightness of her touch and the love in her eyes warmed me inside and told me that everything really would be okay, that I was safe, that I would be able to find the strength to keep fighting for what I believed in because there were people who believed in me. Maya believed in me. Maya loved me. Maya was real. Maya was there. Maya had come back to me.
-I missed you. - That was the last thing I managed to say before I slowly leaned my face forward, my eyes lowering to her lips for a split second before our mouths clamped together with a gentle, light pressure.
My heart raced in my chest, adrenaline flooded my bloodstream, every cell in my body seemed to tremble with the intensity of the excitement that now swept through my being with that kiss. It wasn't arousing, it wasn't sensual, but it was absolutely everything I needed to get some fresh air, a new breath, a new dose of strength to keep fighting, to keep moving forward toward what I wanted so badly - to have my Maya back - but still, a sigh escaped my lungs.
I felt my face get wet, I pulled away just an inch to capture Maya's lips between mine again, and with the gesture I could realize that the tears were not mine, they were my wife's, and all I wanted at that moment was to kiss her pain away. All I needed right now was to soothe each of her feelings, to welcome each of her fears, to comfort her and assure her that everything would be okay - just like she did moments ago - that we would be okay if we put in the work necessary to get us there.
Maya moved her lips over mine so gently, so preciously, that I could melt right there, her hand slid across my face, her fingers lightly entering my hair as her thumb caressed my skin and she held me close. Like me, I knew that she didn't want the kiss to end, and if it were up to me I would kiss her again and again all night long, but the rapid beating of my heart inside my chest had disrupted my breathing and I felt as if I was about to have a heart attack, so I pressed our foreheads together and pulled our lips apart as my rapid breathing mingled with hers.
-You have no idea how much I missed you. – Maya whispered and sniffled.
-I do. – I whispered back. – Because I have missed you more than you can imagine too. I can’t even describe all the pain I endured, you have no idea how many nights I fell asleep with my face wet with tears after spending hours just staring at the pictures on my phone in hope that seeing your beautiful face before going to sleep would allow me to dream about you, to dream that you were there, that you were close to me, that you were kissing me and holding me and telling me that we were going to be okay.
-I was so stupid. – I opened my eyes in time to see Maya bitting hard on her lower lip, her eyes still close, tears still running down her cheeks. – I could have lost you, I could have lost the one good thing that happened to me, I could have lost the love of my life, the mother of my children, because of my stupid traumas.
-Hey… - It was my turn to move my free hand through her shoulders, hugging them while pulling her to me, needing at that very moment to take her away from that mind-space, from that suffering-filled pit. – You didn’t loose me. I’m still here.
-Are you? – Maya whispered. – Can you even answer that yet? Because I know you need time, and you need space, and I know I can’t just convince you with my words that I’ve changed, that I’m doing better, that I’m committed to us, to making us work again, but can you answer that yet? Do you really think you can still be here? Do you really think you can still be with me?
-Earlier today I went to the station, I grabbed a bunch of extra supplies I had at the hospital and drove there just so I could see you and I was so disappointed when I heard you were on a call that I just felt my whole mood shifting and… With everything that happened there, with all the signs and metaphors, with all the speeches about listening to our own guts and doing what it feels right, what it feels light, what it feels good deep within… - I took a deep breath and pulled away, once again feeling bad about the distance between us but understanding that the kind of conversation we were having right then needed some eye-to-eye, so I kept mine focused on the bright blue in front of me, my heart swelling with this irrepressible, incontrollable, unstoppable, love, I couldn’t just not listen to my gut. – I knew that it was you. This you. This hard-working, rational, sweet, caring you.
Maya pressed her lips tight together, more tears streamed down her face but I didn’t make a move on wiping them away, I needed to let her feel her feelings, I needed her to embrace this vulnerability I could so clearly see before my eyes, and she did.
-The pain I felt seeing you become a different person, someone I couldn’t recognize, is nothing compared to the relief I feel now seeing that you are back, that you’re here, with me, fighting for me, fighting for us, doing the work, putting in the hours and the conversation with your therapist to find the best solution and alternatives to deal with all the issues I cannot help you with. – I let the words flow freely out of my mouth, I allowed myself to be as honest as Maya was during that entire night and it felt good to finally share my thoughts with her without being afraid of her blowing out. Maya nodded a few times, and I did the same. – I really think I can still be with you Maya, I still want to be with you, I still want to call you my wife, I still want to see you grow and get better, I still want to share my life with you. I am sure.
-You are? – Maya’s chin trembled again, vulnerability all over her face and right at that moment she looked ten years younger, she looked fragile, she finally looked like someone who needed help and was finally open to receive it.
-I am. – I nodded a couple of time and a small smile appeared on my lips. – I don’t know how we’ll do it, I don’t know what the next steps are, but I’m here and I want to make it work, even if it takes time, even if we have to slow our pace, even if we have to restart. It’s all worth it.
-Yes. – Maya gave me a small smile back, her tears still making her face shine a bit.
-You are worth it. – I completed, looking deeply inside her eyes, wanting, needing, her to see all the honesty behind my words. She looked down for a second before locking her gaze to mine again, she took a deep breath, her eyes disappeared for a quick second, she looked like she was gathering all her strength.
-I am. – She answered.
And I knew we were going to be okay.