Chapter Text
JJ slowed her car as she made it into the city limits of East Allegheny. She watched the needle drop ten below the speed limit doing anything she could to prolong arriving at her childhood home. JJ sighed, which was probably the hundredth time in the 4-hour drive from DC, as she passed the public pool she used to spend her summers at, her old elementary school where she would spend hours dribbling a soccer ball in the field, and the ice cream shop her sister, Roslyn, used to work at. All the happy memories that came flooding back to her as she drove through town were tainted with her sister’s memory.
It wasn’t Roslyn, herself, that made the memories painful, it was that everyone in her tiny hometown wanted to pretend like Ros never existed. They would ignore that suicide had plagued their wholesome, little town. She could deal with people in town being uncomfortable, many people don’t know how to react to death, so she understands. The hardest part was her parents. They didn’t just avoid Roslyn like everyone else does, they ignored her memory. They treated JJ like she was and always has been, an only child.
So, after years and years of fighting for people to acknowledge Ros, JJ had given up. Every day before bed JJ takes the time to reflect on her day and pick out the most important thing that happened and she would think of her sister. If it was something funny, her mind played a montage of Roslyn with her head thrown back in laughter. If it was sad, she could almost feel her sister’s hand entwining her own. If it was a day where she felt stuck, not knowing which direction to go, then she could hear her sister's voice and she would know exactly what she would say.
“No matter how hard it is, you can’t give up because giving up means admitting you’re weak and you, Jennifer Jareau, are not weak.”
Roslyn had said a variation of this to JJ many times, and eventually these conversations were shortened to Ros simply telling her to “say it”. JJ lifted a finger and ran it over the words that had been on her shoulder since she was eighteen years old.
“I am Jennifer Jareau, Jennifer Jareau is not weak.”
She knew it was silly to get her own name inked not once, but twice, on her body, but even years later she couldn’t seem to care. Roslyn had taught her these words and these words have gotten her to where she is today.
Although today, specifically, she doesn’t know what went wrong that she finds herself spending an entire weekend with her parents before being shipped off to the Middle East on an assignment she did not ask for. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her parents, it was just that her parents forced her to be someone she’s not. She still feels the bottled-up resentment for having to deal with the death of her sister by herself. Her parents dealt with their grief selfishly. At first, they barely acknowledged JJ, too consumed by their own pain to help JJ through hers. Then, as if the lights were turned on, JJ was forced into a world where she never had a sister.
JJ turned the car onto her parents’ street and pulled into the driveway of the familiar farmhouse style home. She looked at the clock and saw it was just past noon. She could survive two days. She got out of the car and braced herself for what awaited her inside.
“Jellybean!” She fought the urge to roll her eyes at the nickname her father insisted on calling her as a 29-year-old woman. She wonders if Ros was still alive, would JJ find it endearing that he still called her that.
“Hey, dad.” She met him on the porch and gave him a one-armed hug.
“How was the drive?” His arm around her shoulder guided her into the house.
“It was good, almost no traffic.” JJ dropped her suitcase by the door and stooped to pet the small black furball that enthusiastically greeted her at the door. “I didn’t know you guys got a dog.”
“Well, you would if you picked up the phone more often.” JJ’s mother, Sandy, appeared from the kitchen. And so, it begins. Her mother had perfected her passive aggressiveness to a point where JJ truly wasn’t sure if her words were meant as a dig or a joke. JJ flashed her mother her “media” smile and leaned into a hug.
“I just put a pot on for tea, care for a cup?”
“Yea, that’d be great.” JJ hoped it would help calm her nerves.
“Jim, how about you?”
“No thanks, honey.” JJ and her father followed her mother into the kitchen. JJ plopped down onto one of the stools at the island. They exchanged pleasantries as Sandy fixed their tea and a plate of biscuits. They ended up moving to the living room and JJ felt the familiar sting of the family photos that littered every surface, not a single one had Roslyn in it. JJ took a seat and her eyes focused on the photo sitting on the side table next to her. It was a photo of her in front of the Christmas tree they had the first year after Roslyn passed. She could see something that resembled her “media” smile. The smile itself looked right, but twelve-year-old JJ hadn’t quite learned how to fake the eyes yet. Setting her teacup down, she turned her attention to her parents.
“What’s her name?” JJ pointed a finger at the dog in her mother’s lap.
“Bella, she’s about fifteen weeks old now. She’s been a good puppy so far. Barely any accidents in the house. Apart from those horrendous slippers your father wears, she hasn’t chewed anything either. We’re crossing our fingers that she stays like this.”
“Hey, I loved those slippers. They were comfy. I know they didn’t look the best, but I’m in my own house and I’m gonna be comfortable, dammit.” JJ laughed at her dad and was happy that it was a genuine reaction.
“Oh, Jim. Don’t get yourself too worked up. You don’t want your blood pressure to skyrocket.” Sandy said with a fond smile. Jennifer always admired that her parents still loved each other after going through the death of a child, however unhealthy they’ve handled it.
Her mother and father spent the next little while updating her on all the new developments of their tiny town. At a break in the conversation JJ stood up to use the washroom.
“You’ll have to use the one upstairs; we’re having the downstairs one renovated.” Her mother says.
JJ walked up the stairs and down the hall until she stopped in front of the closed washroom door. She hasn’t used this washroom since she was eleven years old. This is the last place she saw her sister and it’s not an image she likes to revisit. JJ had only gotten up to give herself a little break, so she decides she’s not ready right now and turns around to walk back downstairs.
She passes by an open door and tries to not let her eyes shift inside the office that neither of her parents use. She doesn’t know if it would hurt less to see that room left the way Ros had left it.
Her old bedroom door catches her attention, and she opens it to see that it looks exactly the same way she had left it as a teenager. JJ scans the old soccer photos with a smile. Now that’s a genuine smile. Playing soccer was the only thing that made her genuinely happy after her sister died. Soccer was always her thing, so there was never the familiar dark cloud that hung over anything that her sister had been involved in.
JJ rifles through the bottom drawer of her desk and gets the small envelope tucked into the back. Inside the envelope are all the photos she has left of Roslyn. She has always kept them hidden at her parents’ house because it was always the place that she needed them the most. Sometimes her parents’ determination to forget Roslyn was so strong, for a moment, JJ would believe it. She needed the physical evidence to bring her back to reality and ignore her parents’ delusion. She doesn’t know what compels her to, but she finds herself hiding the photos into her side as she sneaks back downstairs and towards the front door. She tucks them away in her go bag and makes her way back into the living room.
“So, how’s work?” Her mother asked with obvious disinterest. JJ’s shoulders dropped. She knows where this conversation will lead them. Sandy was always torn about JJ’s choice of career. She was proud that she was an FBI agent and loved to brag about it to anyone that would listen. JJ knew that her mom unconsciously hoped that JJ’s status as an FBI agent would overshadow her other daughter’s suicide. On the other hand, Sandy never wanted JJ to leave East Allegheny. They had screaming match after screaming match refusing to support JJ if she left home. JJ dedicated every minute of her day to studying and practicing soccer. She knew her only way out was soccer, and eventually she got a full ride to Georgetown for her graduate program, and she never looked back. Her mother didn’t speak to her until she was accepted into the FBI academy.
“I don’t really know. Like I told you on the phone, I’ve been reassigned. I’m a little bit confused as to what it is. The security clearance needed is higher than I’ve ever had, so they can’t give me any information until I’m actually on the job. They’re calling it a promotion, it’s just one I didn’t ask for.”
“Well, you must be doing something right.” Her father said with a big jolly smile.
“It’s never too late to change careers. What about teaching? I saw the new principal of the elementary school at church the other day and he is very nice to look at. I just worry that your job may be more hassle than it’s worth.” JJ may not be a profiler, but she could see the faux concern that her mother was trying to put into her tone.
“I love my job, mom. I help a lot of people, and I don’t want to do anything else.” JJ said not for the first time.
“Well, I think your job gets in the way of you settling down with a nice man. I mean wasn’t it your job that drove away Will. He was such a catch.” Her mom said flippantly.
“Will and I were not compatible. He wanted a housewife that waited for him to get home every day and I could never be that. Will was a great guy, but we would never be happy together.” Another thing JJ had said to her mother many times.
“Jenny, I think it doesn’t hurt to switch things up. There’s lots of jobs you could do, you are such a smart and capable woman.” Sandy continued.
“I wouldn’t hate it if you moved a little closer to home, Jelly.” JJ’s skin was starting to crawl. Why can’t they just let it go? Every visit with them feels like a broken record. All we do is have the same fights every time.
“DC is my home. I don’t want to move back here, there is nothing left for me in this town. It’s suffocating.” JJ could hear a begging undertone in her voice. She just wanted them to listen to her.
“You don’t know that. There are plenty of nice men in town that would be just perfect for you. Wouldn't Carol’s son be perfect for her, Jim?” Sandy turned her attention to her husband.
JJ stood up before her father could answer.
“Will you stop! I’m sorry, but this is unbelievable. I am tired of having this conversation over and over again, and right now, I really can’t do this. I have a little more than 48 hours left before I am being forced out of this country for some assignment that I don’t even know the details of yet. So, forgive me, but I don’t care about your friend Carol’s son or some teacher at the elementary school.” JJ closed her eyes and took a deep breath in to try to cool the irritation she was feeling. She realizes that she probably just gave her mother more ammunition against her career, but she chooses to ignore that for now.
“Well, I’m sorry Jenny but you’re not getting any younger. I just don’t want my only daughter to waste all her good years on only her career.” Sandy said, throwing her hands in the air.
JJ dug her nails into her palm, the pain distracting her from the overwhelming anger her mother’s words left her with. “I’m not your only daughter.” JJ turned on her heel and made her way to the front door. She mentally thanked herself for leaving her suitcase by the door, grabbed it and was back in her car in record time.
JJ’s grip on the steering wheel was so tight, her knuckles were white. As she left town behind her, she didn’t really know where to go. She needed to blow off some steam and the thought of driving back to DC with nothing to do made her stomach turn. She pulled over onto the shoulder and closed her eyes, resting her head against the steering wheel. Then she got an idea. The logical part of her brain tried to come up with a reason why this would be stupid, but all those reasons were overpowered by the need to let loose and have fun. She sat up, scrambling to find her phone in her purse and dialed a number.
“Hello, my sweet! What are you calling me for? Aren’t you with your parents for the weekend?” Penelope’s cheery voice warmed her soul, and she couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her face.
“Yea, change of plans. Can you help me book a flight from Pittsburgh to Vegas?”
***
Emily sat in her car across the street from an elementary school in Reston, Virginia. She scanned the crowd of students until she saw a familiar mop of pale blonde hair. She saw him scan the line of parents before sprinting off into the arms of a portly brunette woman. Emily watched as Declan and Louise walked toward her car and drove off. She didn’t follow them, she just sat there with her eyes closed, a head against the head rest.
It’s been six months since she was Lauren Reynolds. Six months since she faked the death of the two people that just drove off. Six months living with the crippling fear that Ian Doyle will find this little boy. On days like today, Emily makes the 30-minute drive from DC to Reston. She knows she shouldn’t be here, but she needs to see the little boy that became too important to her. The photos that Louise sends her periodically are not enough. She knows how a photo can be manipulated all too well. It reassures her that all she did and all she went through was worth it. He’s alive, he’s happy. Now, go home. Emily let out a sigh and turned the car on to go back to DC.
As Emily drives back home, she lets her mind wander to all the things she has lost because of Ian Doyle. She lost time. She lost the little boy she couldn’t help falling in love with. She lost her dignity as she lay in bed next to that man night after night. Emily had let Lauren give too much away to Ian and she was having a hard time getting it back. She was trying desperately to give Emily the reigns back and pitch Lauren off a cliff. After the operation was finally over, it took weeks for her to unconsciously respond to people calling her “Emily”. She’s not selfish enough to lay the entire blame on him, she did sign up for the job after all, she just didn’t expect how deep she would have to go.
Emily’s thoughts are interrupted by her phone ringing. Emily saw the name pop up on the display in her car and gave a loud groan.
“Madame Ambassador. How was Greece?”
“Emily, must you always call me that? Is a pleasant “Hello” just not in the cards for you?” Emily’s eyes rolled so aggressively they almost touched the back of her skull. Well, “Mother” seems more foreign to me.
“Sorry, Mother. How was Greece? You just got back yesterday, didn’t you?” Emily tried again.
“It was productive. Yes, I am in DC, and I was hoping you’d join me for dinner this evening. Or even afternoon tea?”
Emily closed her eyes to try to block out the request, but then quickly snapped them back open when she remembered she was operating a vehicle going 120 on a highway.
“I don’t know, Mother. I’ve got a lot to do tonight.” Emily scrubbed a hand over her face.
“Emily, I’ve seen you once since you’ve been on leave and that was five months ago. I would really like it if you could make the time for me.” Emily balked at her mother’s word choice. “Make the time for me”? Ambassador Prentiss doesn’t make time for people; people make time for Ambassador Prentiss. Emily found herself at a loss for words, and her brain couldn’t figure out what her mother’s game plan was in time.
“Okay. I’m almost back in DC, so I’d say I can be there about three o’clock.” Emily found herself saying. Tea will be quicker. Get in, get out.
“That’s lovely, thank you. Drive safe, Emily.” Emily stared at the screen as her mother hung up. Emily’s stomach started to settle with apprehension. Her mother is never that friendly. She doesn’t ask Emily to do anything, she tells her. Emily also couldn’t remember any time that her mother had told her to “drive safe”. That was only something mothers who worried about their daughters said. Emily knows her mother cares about her in such a way that she’d be unhappy if she was dead, but Emily’s general well-being on any regular day wasn’t something her mother had ever expressed any thoughts about.
Her mind is racing with the ulterior motives of her mother’s impromptu request until she is interrupted by her phone ringing, again. The name on the screen pulls another groan from her lips.
“Clyde. It's been a minute.”
“Prentiss. I’ve just called to check in. How’s your time off treating you?” Clyde’s voice booms from the speakers.
“Oh, it’s been a hoot. Just waiting for you to “put me in, coach”.” Emily felt the veil of confidence slip over herself and seep into her voice. Is this “Emily’s” confidence? Or “Lauren’s”? The thought makes her feel sick.
“Emily, how are you doing? Actually?” Clyde asks and she can hear that he completely sees through her.
“Clyde, I’m fine. Honestly. I’ve just been trying to “reset”. I’m getting there, I almost feel like I’m back to being me.” Emily knows she needs to give him a real answer and this is all she can give him. Not exactly a lie, but not the whole truth either.
“Well, you know what would probably help. Leaving Declan alone.” She can hear the irritation in his voice.
“What are you talking about?” She rolls her eyes at herself because it’s not hard to imagine how he knows.
“The agent we have keeping an eye on Declan and Louise saw you today, and that wasn’t the first time. So, let me ask you again. How are you?”
“What do you want me to say, Clyde? I’m not, okay. I’m terrified, every day, that someone’s going to find him. I can’t breathe because I am constantly wrestling with someone else that’s in my head. I don’t know which parts are “Emily” and which parts are “Lauren”. In the past five years, I have been eight different people and I don’t know who I am anymore.” Emily slammed her palm against the steering wheel in frustration.
“That’s exactly what I need to hear, and you need to hear this. You are arguably the best agent we have. I have watched you turn into all eight of those people and do it flawlessly. In a way I’m kind of glad that you’re struggling right now because it proves you’re human. At some point it was all going to be too much. I know you have all your little boxes that you shove everything into, but at some point, you have to clean some of them out.” Emily feels an uncomfortable warmth flood her cheeks. She doesn’t like feeling weak. She knows he’s trying to help but all she feels is shame. Her mother has been unconsciously training her for this job her entire life. Hiding her emotions and being the person people need her to be has been ingrained into her, but she doesn’t know if she can do it anymore.
“I know, I’ll figure it out.” She hears Clyde let out a long sigh signaling he knows that he’s not going to get much more out of her.
“Look, I think you need to take some time and get away.” Emily scrunched her face in confusion.
““Get away”? Clyde, I’m already on an indefinite vacation.”
“No, I mean, get away from regular life. You need to get away from DC. Somewhere you’ve never been and can just let loose and have fun. The anonymity of a new place could be just what you need. You don’t need to be “Emily” or “Lauren” or any of the other people you’ve been. Just do what comes naturally and roll with it.”
“I think you’re putting too much merit into some random location fixing all my problems.” Emily scoffed.
“I’m not saying it will fix your problems, you arsehole. I just think it would be refreshing to be somewhere where it doesn’t matter who you are. Just think about it, okay?”
“Okay, I will.” Emily was surprised to find that she actually meant it, and Clyde seemed to believe her because he dropped the subject.
“Good, and I’m serious about Declan. You need to leave him alone. Not only for his safety, but yours too. If our agent saw you, what’s to say one of Doyle’s boys wouldn’t too. Or you could lead them right to Declan. Bottom line, Emily, is that you are risking too much by going to him. If something ever happens, you’ll be the first one we call, but until then you have to sit back and let us do our job.”
“Yes, sir. I understand.” And she did, understand. She knew she was risking a lot.
“Okay, well I’ve got to get back to work. Get into lots of trouble.”
“I’ll do my best.” Emily laughed as she hung up. Her spirits were a little bit higher after ending her call with Clyde, however, the apprehension is back as the gate to her mother’s residence comes into view. After getting buzzed in, Emily focused on taking deep breaths as she schooled into place a mask that would be acceptable for her mother. Emily had to pick up her jaw off the floor when she saw her mother open the door before Emily had even parked the car. Usually when she comes to visit her mother, she is let in the door by a member of staff and taken to a sitting room to wait for her mother to appear. So, the idea that her mother must have been waiting for her arrival makes Emily feel a little dizzy. She gets out of the car and stalks towards her mother as if she’s going to be slapped back to reality any minute.
“Sorry, I’m a little earlier than I thought I would be.” Emily stops in front of her mother, unconsciously straightening her posture.
“All the better.” Her mother leans in to give her an awkward hug. “Why don’t we go sit in the sunroom? The garden looks lovely this time of year.” Her mother ushered her through the door and made her way towards the sunroom. Emily scrunched her eyebrows as she analyzed her mother, trying to find anything that would explain her mother’s behaviour. As far as Emily could see, everything looked normal. Her dark hair was perfectly elegant, her skin tone was pale but no paler than Emily’s. She could see a few more lines on her face, but nothing too noticeable. The only thing that was out of sorts was her outfit. She still oozes sophistication and grace, but she hadn’t seen her in such casual clothes since she was a teenager.
Emily sits in a plush armchair as her mother pours her a cup of tea. As her mother settles across from her with her own cup, she can’t come up with a single thing to say. They both stare out at the back garden for a few minutes as awkwardness fills the air.
“So, how are you doing?” Elizabeth breaks the silence.
“I’m good.” Emily shifts her gaze away from the garden.
“Are you enjoying your time off?” Oh God, this is painful.
“I am, although I can’t remember the last time I had this much time to myself.” Emily says with a polite smile.
“It’s been six months, right?” Emily nods. “When do you go back?”
“Well, I’m not sure. I’ve been given an indefinite amount of time off. My last mission was intense, and they want to make sure I’m okay before getting back in the saddle.” Emily tries for nonchalance, but she can hear that she didn’t quite pull it off.
“And are you? Okay?” Emily thinks she sees genuine concern cross her mother’s face and for some reason can’t lie to her.
“I will be.” She sees her mother wrestle with herself about something. “What?”
“Oh, I just. If you ever needed a change, I could help.”
“Mother, I think my own qualifications are good enough. I don’t need your name to get me in the door. I never have.” Emily said coldly and she saw her mother’s shoulders drop.
“I know, Emily. I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean that if you ever needed my help, I hope you ask for it.” Elizabeth looked out the window once more and Emily couldn’t help the guilt that washed over her.
“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.” Her mother gave her a small nod.
“I’m hosting a charity event this weekend and I was hoping you’d be able to attend. I know I’ll be working, but I’d really like to see you.” Her mother says a little awkwardly. Emily finds herself fighting the urge to tell her mother no. The genuine hope on her face stops her.
“I have to check my schedule for this weekend, but I don’t think that would be a problem.”
“Really? Oh, that would be wonderful.” Elizabeth’s face broke into a genuine smile and Emily felt a vaguely familiar warmth settle in her stomach, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was. “You could even bring a date, if you have someone? I would just need his name to put on the list.”
Emily doesn’t know why after all these years she chooses to say it. It might be because, for once, she feels that her mother is treating her like a daughter. That she’s showing the type of care that she’s always longed for.
“Well, if I brought someone it would be a “she”.” Emily holds her breath and waits for her mother to say something. Only she doesn’t. She just sits there, completely still. Emily stares back at her mother and waits for her to thaw, but it doesn’t happen. All of Emily’s insecurities rush back to her and she remembers why she’s never told her mother. Emily takes that as her cue and stands up. She was foolish to think that her mother acting like a “mother” for about an hour of her life would mean that she would be fine with having a gay daughter. Her walls slam into place to try to block out the silent disapproval. “Well, I guess that’s that. I won’t be able to attend this weekend, I forgot I was going out of town. Goodbye, mother.” With that, she turned and left. She was almost at the front door when she heard footsteps behind her.
“Emily, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know.” Elizabeth grabbed onto Emily’s forearm. Emily couldn’t look her mother in the eyes, she couldn’t see the disappointment.
“Well, now you do. Maybe if you were a little more present growing up then I would have told you sooner.” Elizabeth dropped her hand by her side.
“Wait, please don’t go. We need to talk about this.”
“I’m sorry, I have to go. I’m late for something.” Emily turned on her heel and rushed to her car. As she backed out of the driveway, she saw her mother standing in the doorway watching her go. The sad look on her mother’s face almost pulled her back in. For a couple minutes this afternoon, she felt a shred of love from her mother. She wants to remember that feeling a little longer and she knows if she goes back in there, her mother will squash those feelings. Everything she was taught growing up was how to be a perfect daughter. Emily was never perfect, but she learned how to pretend to be perfect. Being gay didn’t fit into the perfect image that had been ingrained in her and she didn’t think she could hear her mother say the words.
So, she pulled her gaze away from her mother and backed out of the driveway. She was in a daze the whole way back to her condo. She thought about what Clyde had said and was even more intrigued with the idea. She was tired and she needed a break. Maybe Clyde was right and letting loose would be good for her. The idea of having no responsibilities for a few days was making her slightly giddy. She just wanted to forget about Doyle and Lauren, and she really wanted to forget about her mother. I did tell Mother I was going out of town. She walked into her office and pulled out her address book, looking through until she found her travel agent.
“Has the great Emily Prentiss finally decided to take a vacation?” Sophie laughed through the phone.
“I have been advised by my boss that I need to “loosen up” and that I should go somewhere I can get into a lot of trouble.” Emily laughed.
“Oh Emily. The best place to loosen up and raise some hell is Vegas, baby.”