Chapter Text
It started with numbers. The bleeping of numbers on a scale in the doctor's office for a monthly check-up. Reki had always been self-conscious of his body, everyday layering t-shirts and hoodies to make his size unseen, but his heart stuttered when he saw the numbers on the scale.
Since when have I gained 8 more pounds?
The doctor explained that it was quite normal for boys his age to gain more weight but Reki only heard buzzing in his ears.
No, no, no.
He already hated his looks, why make it worse? Reki had always hated his body. He hated that his thighs brushed against each other when he walked, that his torso seemed too small for his legs, the random acne spots he got on his neck and back, his hands that seemed too big for his arms, and the random scars littered across his body from skateboarding injuries. This is why no one had ever wanted to date him, he was sure of it.
That was the beginning of repeated lies and guilt.
"Reki love, do you want breakfast?" His mom would ask.
"No thanks, I'll get something on the way to school," Reki would respond with a smile and a swoop of guilt in his stomach.
Days went by like that and nothing seemed to change. The numbers on the scale didn't seem to be going down, and he didn't seem to be getting any thinner, he would stare at the mirror every day seeming to hope for a change but none seemed to come. It consumed him slowly, going from skipping breakfast, to "forgetting" his lunch, then finally eating dinner only to run to the bathroom, stick two fingers down his throat, and vomit it up. when he was taken to eat out he was careful to order only an appetizer and would google under the table the number of calories in it. It was specifically on one of these outings that the second stage began.
"Reki dear, when are you going to stop wearing those hoodies and actually show off your body? You are seventeen now, it's time to branch out," his grandmother said across the table from him.
Oh.
Reki loved oversized clothes, not only did they cover the ugly but they were so comfortable. The feeling of being wrapped up and the feeling of them flapping in the wind when he went so fast on his skateboard the world turned to a blur.
"Um, I don't know I really like these types of clothes," he said with an attempted smile that was more of a grimace.
"Oh don't push him!" One of his great-aunts said. "After all, he has always been on the slightly bigger side for his age."
Reki felt whatever was on his face drop, ice seemed to take over his stomach.
"I know," his grandmother agreed, nodding her head slightly. "But it's not a bad thing as long as you keep yourself fit."
Later that night Reki stumbled into the bathroom of his house and forcibly shoved two fingers down his throat, and vomited over and over again until he was vomiting up stomach acid. He then washed his mouth out with water and unsteadily made his way back to his room. Once inside he pulled out the scale he kept under his bed, he then took a deep breath and stepped on. When the numbers came to a stop he felt his gut twist and panic fill his chest.
No. NO! Go down, please go down more.
He still had so much weight to lose, so much fat that had to dissolve. He felt hot tears well in his eyes.
And now look at you crying like a baby.
He needed a distraction, something, anything. He vaguely felt himself rummage in his pocket as he stumbled off the scale onto the floor. He finally grasped what he was searching for in his pocket and pulled out the sharp wood carving tool he used to round skateboard edges manually. He flicked it open and before he knew what had happened stinging pain was flaring in his wrists and he felt warmth trickling down his hands. It was odd, it hurt, but for some reason, it felt...
Nice?
Soon enough his arms ached, and then he went for his legs, when his legs ached he went for his torso, and when his torso ached...back to his arms. It was an endless cycle, when it scarred, he would simply roll his sleeves down to past his hands. Sleeves that were once rolled up to expose tan arms were now rolled down to hide the mess of red and white scars, purple and black bruises, and guilt and shame. He's not sure when, but soon he found T-shirts had turned into hidden bandages, long showers turned into dry shampoo, night routines turned into going straight to bed, sleep turned into staring at the ceiling with an aching stomach and bleeding arms until four in the morning struck and he fell into an uneasy sleep, and the thrill of skateboarding turned into a dull throb of his legs and a splitting headache.
What am I doing?
That was something he wondered about a lot, the guilt and shame of lying boiled beneath his skin.
Of course, someone had to notice. Reki and Langa were skating at one of their favorite spots, down by the pier. There were plenty of rails and stairs to slide on and jump off of, and the water created a cool breeze, so it was optimal, especially for the hot summer heat they were now in.
"Hey, Reki, why don't you take off your hoodie? It's boiling," Langa said as he took a swig of a sprite.
"Nah man, I'm good," Reki said grinning at him.
Langa scrunched up his brow the way he does when he's concerned about something. Reki felt almost worse lying to him than he did to his mom or sisters. Langa was such a pure soul, almost too good for this world. He was everything Reki wasn't. Handsome, quiet, smart, and an amazing skater. It seemed almost comical that he had chosen to hang out with Reki, like one of those cringe movies where the new, handsome, mysterious boy at school takes a liking to the weird, unpopular girl.
Yeah, that's it. He probably only hangs out with me now because he feels bad. He could be hanging with cherry or Joe. Hell, hanging with Miya would be better than me. Yeah, I should just leave, but I don't want to hurt him again. Wait, but if he is bored of me why would he miss me-
"...ki, Reki, Reki!"
Reki was snapped out of his train of thought by Langa's soft voice and pale hand waving in his face. Reki blinked and Langa's face came into view. He was only about two inches away from Reki's face, and on instinct, Reki's eyes flicked down to Langa's lips, then quickly back up to his eyes.
He IS quite handsome, Reki thought. No wonder girls are so into him, he is practically a doll. His face looks so smooth. No blemishes, no spots, a perfect blush, damn. And his eyes are so pretty, like water through a frozen lake, perfect nose, puffy lips-
"REKI!"
Reki realized he'd been lost in thought again.
"Sorry man," he said shaking his head.
"Are you sure you're ok?" Langa asked.
He was quite hot but knew better than to take his hoodie off and expose his bandages and all the ugly.
"I'm good, I promise," Reki said, attempting to smile again.
Langa didn't look convinced, in fact, his brow furrowed even more but he didn't question it.
Reki watched on the big screen Langa racing a girl, she clearly had no competition with him but he still seemed to be going easy on her. He watched them through the screen until the shout came and they zoomed past the finish line. Reki smiled when he saw Langa had won, but at this point, he wasn't even surprised. What did surprise him was Langa going over to talk to the girl and that she smiled bashfully at him, and Langa smiled back. Reki's body seemed to go cold and a buzzing filled his ears. He could have blamed it on his lack of energy, but he knew it was something else. The cold feeling intensified as the girl poked Langa's chest and his cheeks colored. Reki's head was now ringing, cold sweat dripped down his face.
No, no, no, no,nonononononono. NO. You can't be jealous, you can't be, you DON'T think of Langa like that, you don't, you don't, you can't-
"Reki?"
Cherry's voice cut through his thoughts.
"Huh? Oh Cherry," Reki sighted running a hand through his tangled and greasy hair. "Hi."
"Reki, are you alright? You just looked like you were about to have a panic attack."
"Yeah, all good," Reki said, his voice sounding cracked.
Cherry studied him, and Reki felt small under his Gaze. It was a hard gaze like he was scanning him as Carla did to skateboard runs.
"Reki, you look thinner."
"Oh really? Well, I guess it's far time I finally got into shape," Reki said with a sheepish laugh and rubbed the back of his neck.
"No Reki, I mean you look unhealthily skinny and pale," Cherry frowned. "Reki...are you unwell?"
Well...something like that.
"No, I mean I feel fine," Reki said as a wave of nausea washed over him. "Maybe it's just the lighting or something, or maybe you need new glasses?"
Cherry's face remained impassive. He continued to stare at Reki.
"Hey, staring contest happening?" Joe's voice cut through the tense silence between them.
Both Reki and Cherry looked over at him.
"We were busy, you dopy gorilla!" Cherry snapped.
"Oh yeah? staring at each other but I bet you an advantage four-eyes!"
"No, I was just talking to Reki-
Cherry said as he looked over to the spot where Reki had been 30 seconds ago, and now was gone. Cherry's expression dropped.
"Hey, what is it?" Joe asked.
"I, I'm worried about him," Cherry admitted, reaching up to rub his forehead. "He hasn't been the same since the win against Adam."
"Yeah, I noticed," Joe said. "We need to talk to him, he's thin as a broomstick, and all the life seems to have been sucked out of him."
They glanced at each other uneasily when another voice interrupted.
"Hey! Do you guys know where Reki is?" Langa asked, running up, Miya next to him.
"We just saw him, but I think he went home," Joe said.
Langa's smile fell.
"Oh."
"Hm, slime," Miya said, except it wasn't with his usual cocky attitude and more an attempt at humor.
Reki stared at the numbers on the scale, and for the first time in many, many weeks did he feel something he wanted to, pride. He turned to look in the mirror and pulled off his hoodie and sweatpants. Only now did he see a difference, and a sigh of relief escaped his mouth. But his mind was in a conflict part of him was screaming in pride, the other half in disgust. He barely recognized himself. His ribs stuck out painfully obviously against his ruined skin. His stomach had flattened almost to the point of caving in towards ribs, his legs were a third of what they used to be, his cheekbones now stuck out in his face, his lips were thin and pale, his eyes sunken and had purple bags under them. His hair looked longer and bigger now that his face looked so small. Bandages went from his wrists to his shoulders, and around his thighs.
It's better like this.
He slipped on a pair of pajama pants from the floor, and a long-sleeved shirt from his drawer, and climbed into bed.
Even now when he was asleep he couldn't rest. Dreams of Langa's soft face kept invading his mind. Langa's smile, his blue locks in the wind, his sculpted body moving so gracefully. In his dreams, Langa came to him after every race and would hug him till he couldn't breathe. He dreamt of soft kisses on the side of the road or cuddled up watching a movie, Then he'd dream of heated kisses and hands roaming up and down sweaty backs, tangled in a mess of blankets, their bodies twisted together. More than once had Reki woken up with a flushed face and sticky thighs, then would have to shove his laundry into the wash before his mother could see. Before Reki seemed to grasp it, he knew he was madly in love with Langa, and it was slowly consuming him. It consumed him o the point where he'd pull out a blade and dig it into his skin dangerously deep, blood would seep out, turning white lines back to red and easing the thoughts away for a little while.
Reki kept it a secret. Sure, wasn't he keeping everything a secret at this point, but this one felt like it was tearing him apart from the inside out. He would get rejected, he was sure of it. Langa had never shown even the slightest amount of interest in him in that way. Sure, Langa has said some odd things but Langa just spoke his mind without restraint. It hurt though now, whenever they hung out. Days of fun turned into days of anxiety, and long conversations over the phone turned into the occasional "hi, how's it going." Reki felt horrible, worse than horrible, but he secretly hoped if he got boring enough Langa would forget about him and he could finally get over it. It wasn't only Langa. Reki turned up to S only now every other week and went out of his way to avoid Shadow, Miya, Joe, and Cherry. The guilt was with Reki all the time now, wherever he went, but it didn't prepare him for the day when it all came to a head.
It was one of the now rare times he and Langa went skateboarding together, Reki wasn't actually the one who agreed to it as it was his mom who picked up his ringing phone and told Langa he'd love to, and that's how he ended up in a skatepark across town doing half-hearted tricks and runs with a splitting headache and an aching stomach. It was dusk, around 7:06 PM, and he and Langa where taking a break, sitting on the hard concrete of the sidewalk.
"Hey, Reki," Langa said.
"Yeah?" Reki asked.
"Why have you been avoiding me?"
Reki's heart dropped, his stomach clench, and he felt his hands grow cold.
"What do you mean?" He said, then mentally slapped himself.
Langa frowned.
"You've been avoiding me recently, using excuses to not be around me and not waiting for me after school or responding to my texts," Langa said.
"Oh well, I've been kinda busy recently," Reki mumbled, his heart pounding in his chest.
Langa's frown deepened.
"Too busy for work?" Langa said slightly angrily. "You haven't been in the shop for almost a week."
"Listen, man, I don't want to talk about this right now," Reki said and tried to get up but a wave of dizziness washed over him and he stumbled, and a firm grasp on his hand yanked him back down.
"Reki this is ridiculous!" Langa cried in exasperation. "First your not talking to me and now your not showing up to S, it's like the thing with Adam all over again!"
Reki felt anger flare in his chest, and without warning, the dam broke.
"Well let me remind you that that whole situation was your doing!" He shouted. "You chose to break your promise just for the thrill of it?! Are you kidding me?! Or maybe you did it for the glory?! Is that it Langa? Because suddenly the new kid was suddenly a top-notch skater and you had to show off for all the pretty girls and boy's screaming your name?!"
There was silence. Then Reki felt Langa release his hand. Only then did Reki look up, and when he did, he went cold. Langa was staring at him blankly, his eyes dull, but there seemed to be a million spikes stuck behind his blue irises dripping with hurt. Reki immediately wished he could take everything back, all of it, he wished he could bury his face in Langa's chest and cry. But no, he stood there frozen, they both did, until finally-
"I'm-I'm sorry," Langa said, his voice quivering. "I didn't know I was a burden."
Your not, Reki's thoughts screamed. I'm the burden.
"Langa I-" Reki tried but Langa cut him off.
"No, no, I can go it's fine," he said. "I promise I won't bother you anymore."
You never did.
Langa turned away, and Reki felt his body go cold, his head, started ringing and a wave of nausea swept over him.
"Langa, Langa I didn't mean-I don't-"
His words fumbled together, sweat dripped down his neck, and the world started spinning.
"Langa please-" Reki choked out as he saw Langa turning away from him.
He felt his knees collapse, heard Langa's surprised yell, and then the world went black and fuzzy.
The next time he awoke he realized he was in Cherry's studio, lying on a sofa. He peeled his eyes open wearily and vaguely took in his surroundings.
"Oh, you're finally awake," Cherry's voice said from next to him.
Reki started, then with a flash of horror he realized both his hoodie and t-shirt that had been under it had been removed. Acting on instinct he immediately wrapped his arms around himself but he knew it was no use. Cherry and anyone else who had been near him had seen it all. Panic flared in his throat again and he sat up too quickly causing a wave of nausea to pull him back down. Just then Cherry came into his view, wearing a blue kimono and an unreadable expression. Then to Reki's horror, Langa appeared next to cherry with a tear-streaked face and a nauseated expression. Cherry seemed to make the connection without anyone saying anything because he turned to Langa with a stern expression and said,
"Langa, I need to talk to Reki alone, please step out."
"But-" Langa tried to protest but Cherry held firm.
"No buts, I'll come to get you when I'm done talking to him."
Langa looked angry but simply turned and walked out, shutting the door behind him. Cherry then turned back to Reki with the same unreadable expression.
"Reki," he started. "How long has this been going on?"
"What?" Reki said in defiance.
"This," Cherry said, waving at his torso. "Everything."
"I don't see how that is your problem!" Reki said angrily, trying to sit up again but this time Cherry pushed him back down.
"Reki, you are severely underweight and anemic. The skin on your arms and torso, and I'm assuming on your legs too, is ruined. You are badly malnourished to the point I'm impressed you even walk around. But you need to tell me what's happening or I will tell your mother."
You'll tell her anyway.
"It's none of your business alright!" Reki shouted. "It's my body therefore my problem! You don't have any say in this."
Cherry stared at him coldly.
"Reki, I'm taking you to the hospital and then I'm calling your mother. I am honestly glad you passed out today and Langa brought you to me because if you didn't I don't know how much longer this would have gone on, I'm so stupid, I should've seen the signs."
Reki felt his stomach drop.
"No cherry please-"
"This is non-negotiable!" Cherry snapped. "You have been irresponsible and foolish for doing this!"
Cherry immediately saw the effect those words had on Reki and his face paled.
"No, Reki, I'm sorry that's not what I meant."
"I'm sure it isn't," Reki said coldly.
Cherry pinched the bridge of his nose before saying.
"I'm going to get my phone to make a phone call to the hospital, do not move from this couch."
The second Cherry was gone, Reki moved. Forcing himself up he threw on his sweatshirt he found in a pile on the floor next to the couch, and dashed out the door, ignoring the iron pains in his skull and dizziness in his body. His skateboard was leaning by the front door and he grabbed it and jumped on the second he was on the street.
"One last ride buddy," he murmured to the board.
The city turned into a blur as he rode through the streets, not caring about slowing down. the wind whistled in his hair as the thoughts whisted in his brain.
Useless, loser, irresponsible, fucker, liar, piece of shit, foolish, weirdo, talentless, odd, hater, sucker, whore, disgusting.
Don't worry, another voice whispered. It'll be quiet soon.
Reki pulled out his phone and began typing, and thirty seconds later he sent the same message to five different people. He felt tears blurring his eyes, which is odd when you feel numb. The next thing he knew he was skidding to a stop at the place he knew he wanted to go but for some reason couldn't remember what it was called. He skidded to a stop and placed his phone and skateboard against the side of the wall and railing. Then he climbed until he was standing on the top rail. Cars flashed behind him and he vaguely heard some voices shouting. It didn't matter though, it was all pointless now. He knew his mom would be sad, but hey, at least one kid was off her hands. He knew Langa would be too but-no he couldn't think about Langa right now. He heard the wailing of police cars, and men's voices shouting, then a gust of wind blew from behind as if telling him now.
There was a rush of air, a collision, and suddenly he was sinking through the water. The blow hadn't taken him out, but he knew the river would, it would wash all of him away.
But then, why can I see lights? Oh, wait, no. It's going dark now. Then why do those white specs look like...snow?
A phone on the sidewalk buzzed as cops and ambulances pulled up, but no one bothered to pick it up. If they had, the three most recent messages were:
Reki: I'll see you guys next time.
10:08 PM
Langa: wait Reki where are you?
10:10 PM
Langa: Reki?
10:12 PM