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Woojin looked so good with his silky black hair that Chan wanted to run his hands through. He remembered the days when he used to be able to, those days when he could see that smug face every day and kiss him to his heart’s content, always running his hands through that silky hair.
Chan’s eyes drifted down the screen to watch as the button of the white shirt got played with, the decision to have it open or closed seemed to be a hard one The verdict to have it closed had Chan pouting but he tried not to dwell on it.
Today was a special day for Stay, five years with Stray Kids, and that meant a lot to the boys; of course it did, but Chan couldn’t focus on that right now. He had plans for Stay but right now, instead of doing preparation work, he was here watching a birthday live for a fandom that had grown from their own.
Chan’s heart was aching as he watched the cake being pulled from the box. Chocolate was Woojin’s favorite, it made sense that Cubs second anniversary cake would be chocolate flavored.
Chan sighed and snuggled into his pillow trying to get more comfortable. Stray Kids had had so much success since Woojin had left them and Chan was so grateful that they could overcome the hurdles that came along with the departure.
It wasn’t fair that Woojin looked this good right now, he was so beautiful and had grown into his features.
Chan had hated him for such a long time, he broke his heart as he almost destroyed all their dreams. Obviously Chan knew that Stray Kids wasn’t fragile even back then but it still hurt. Chan wasn’t the same when Woojin left but he had to be strong for his team. It was moments like these that he felt weak and vulnerable, the times he would lock himself in his room to watch every single one of Woojin’s Youtube lives. This time to himself where he could mourn his loss in private meant everything to him, he didn’t want the other boys to see him so weak.
Chan listened with his face smushed into the pillow, he was so proud of how far Woojin’s English comprehension had become. He missed the days when they would spend hours curled up in each other’s arms talking about everything and nothing at the same time to help the slightly older male practice his English pronunciation.
Chan watched as Woojin pulled a bunch of stuff out of a plastic bag and then posed for a photo time. Chan reached over and screenshotted a photo, typical fan behavior, except along with it came guilt. He would be stashing the photo in his Woojin folder that was hidden deep within his phone so the other boys wouldn’t find it.
Chan chuckled to himself as he watched Woojin fail to put on the dark blue party hat. He watched as Woojin fluffed his hair and the need to run his hands through it came back to Chan once more.
“God you’re beautiful.” Chan mumbled and shoved his face into the pillow more to hide his embarrassment. It has become a habit to talk to his phone as if Woojin could hear him; Chan knew Woojin would never listen to him again.
Chan’s focus went to Woojin’s lips as he watched Woojin try to blow three party blowers at once. He missed those lips, he remembers the taste of those soft lips. Kissing being one of the things Chan loved the most to do in this world aside from cuddling. He and Woojin had spent hours upon hours of their free time kissing, even secretly in the studio when they were supposed to be working.
Chan squeezed the pillow and readjusted his head to hear better as Woojin mumble sang Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson. Woojin brought on another photo time due to a Cub’s request. Chan got some more screenshots of Woojin posing cutely with the cake he had been occasionally eating with a fork. He even took screenshots when Woojin came close to the camera to show off his earring.
Chan felt a longing as he watched his ex boyfriend on the small phone screen, he wished he had thought to grab his laptop so he could see him on a bigger screen. He could have had him on the edge of the bed where he used to sleep during the long nights after concerts.
Chan sighed as Woojin started singing for Cubs, the sound of his angelic voice singing As It Was by Harry Styles, Chan missed hearing his voice. He missed listening to Woojin record his parts for Stray Kids songs, he always made sure to record him alone when he could so he could take the time to just admire his boyfriend. Love filled his heart as he listened to the most beautiful voice he had ever heard, one he never thought he would be without.
Like a stab to the heart, Woojin started singing Still Dream, the first song he did without them; without him. The powerful vocals were heart wrenching and the meaning behind the song told a sad story of Woojin trying to fly on his own. Chan admired the lyricism and the poetic way the song flowed. It was such a beautiful song in its own right and it was only made more beautiful by the man that haunted his rare occurring dreams.
He remembered when Levanter had dropped and how hard he had cried because the lack of Woojin’s voice had been so evident in the song. He had cried just as hard when the music video for Still Dream had dropped last year. Woojin had looked so beautiful in his blue outfit with the cropped shirt that had fabric wrapped around his stomach. He remembered how the powerful vocals hit something deep inside his soul and the dance mesmerized him to no end.
It wasn’t His Woojin anymore. It had been a whole new Woojin, someone he no longer knew but wished he did.
Chan was pulled from his thoughts as Woojin clapped at his own acapella performance and said singing time was done. He asked Cubs what they wanted and read their comments silently.
“We want hug. Hug is last. Just second, at last I will hug.” Woojin said with a small smile. “What do you want Cubs? Today is your birthday so I wanna give present for you.” Chan didn’t focus on the poor English grammar, he was too busy thinking to himself.
‘I want you to come home’ Chan thought to himself and tears filled to the brim of his eyes.
Chan watched as Woojin blew a kiss and winked at the camera as requested by the Cubs in the live chat. Chan was squeezing the life out of his pillow for the billionth time tonight, he did this whenever he missed the warmth of Woojin’s body against his. No amount of cuddles from Felix or even Changbin could replace all those nights of being snuggled up with Woojin in his tiny bed.
“Hug camera? Okay, two more comments then I will hug and then today birthday live is done.” Woojin told the audience. “Stay healthy Woojin, stay healthy too Cubs.” Chan nodded and muttered about staying healthy, he could just pretend Woojin was only talking to him especially as he spoke the next line. “Keep your health, that’s my wish.”
Chan flashed back to the time he had gotten sick from overworking and Woojin had nursed him back to health, attending to his every need and then nagged him to look after his health once he was feeling better. It was one of the days he had felt himself falling in love with him.
Chan did a finger heart back to him when Woojin started posing again. “Okay at last, hug time and then I will be back next live. Happy birthday cubs.” Woojin clapped. “Come on!” Woojin held his arm out preparing to hug the camera.
Chan moved away from his pillow and picked up his phone. Woojin brought the camera in for a hug so Chan brought his phone to his chest and clung to it tightly as the tears finally began to fall. They cascaded down his face as he held onto the phone for dear life. He could hear Woojin talking after the hug ended but he couldn’t let go.
Not again. He let go too easily the first time.
Chan cried for a good hour, thankful that none of the other boys had come to check on him. They probably assumed he was asleep for once. He wished he were asleep, it would make the feelings easier.
Against his better judgement he lifted his phone when his tears died down and he called Woojin’s number, knowing he hadn’t changed it.
“You’ve called Woojin, I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message.” Chan sniffled away a sob as he heard Woojin’s voice come through the phone. He knew that Woojin would be busy preparing for bed by now.
He also knew he had to get up any minute so that he could go film the Hellevator Dance Practice video for their fifth year anniversary present and just pretend like none of this ever happened. He had to go back to being strong for his team and being the ever happy Bang Chan of Stray Kids, not the heartbroken ex-boyfriend of a former member.
“I miss you Woojin-ah.” Chan said brokenly.