Chapter Text
Alyssa stared at the door, one hand on the knob, the various events of the night circulating through her mind. It had all started so good. Almost perfect.
Hey, do you- do you want to hang out on 21st after the concert?
21st? You mean the party? Yeah, sure babe!
Never in a million years would she have imagined the night would end like this - in a hospital room no less. Where did everything go so wrong that night?
"Alyssa, are you going to open that door or not?" Meg's voice cut through her reverie, sounding a little distracted. "I'm sure this is the room," she continued, squinting down at her phone screen again, "Yu Jing texted me this number. I can go back and check with a nurse if you'd like.."
"No, it's fine. There's no need," Alyssa murmured before twisting the doorknob finally to the right and lightly pushing it open.
In all the rush to locate Yeong gi's current whereabouts, she hadn't really given much thought to what she should expect once inside. They had parted ways in the most unusual of ways that night, both too hot and bothered to carry out a civil conversation any further, both not wanting to see each other any longer. Him jumping off a railing, her heart beating furiously fast thinking she had lost him forever only to find out it was a prank. Another prank. Her rage eventually cooling down with time, making her regret, repent, diligently promising herself to do better next time. Try harder when she sees him next. Hoping against hope that it will be enough, that it's still not too late, they can still go back to the good old days, if only they try harder.
She didn't really know what she'll find behind those closed doors, Meg only had a rough idea, and Alyssa wasn't entirely sure she could take in the sight of him lying there bloodied and unconscious. That wasn't how the night was supposed to go. Things were finally supposed to get better. How did everything plummet so fast?
The sight that greeted her was a far cry from anything she could have expected. Shin ae's hand was lightly caressing his face while his own eyes were closed, a picture of complete contentment and peace. His left hand was wrapped tightly around her right one. The lights dimmed to a soft, cozy glow while a lone candle burned furiously, tucked in a slice of cake that was lying between them both.
Both of them glanced up when the door opened with a squeak, looking mildly surprised as if waking up from a dream, before reality caught up with all three like a cold jarring shower, jolting them to the bones.
"Alyssa," Shin ae immediately shot up to her feet, but Alyssa's eyes were fixed only on the green ones, her heart was thumping wildly now and with just one look at those eyes, she knew. She knew that he knew.
"Why the hell is she here?" Yeong gi barked, bolting upright himself. Gone was the peaceful expression of contentment that had adorned his face mere seconds earlier, his expression was now a study in stark contrast, all rage and fury twisting his features into something bitter and terrifying, hardening his gaze. "Tell her to get out of here now Shin ae! I don't wish to see her face!"
It was a vaguely familiar expression but Alyssa couldn't recall being directed her way before.
She staggered back as the full force of those words hit her squarely in the chest, the door automatically shutting behind her back, trapping her in. This - This couldn't be happening!
"Yeong gi, calm down," Shin ae desperately tried to placate him. "You're still in recovery, you shouldn't exert yourself yet, listen to me - no listen," she cupped his face with both hands forcing him to look at her as Alyssa watched, seemingly from far, far away as the other girl spoke soothingly to him, calming him down.
Time seemed to slow down and speed up at the same pace.
Her own heart was still pounding wildly in her chest and she was beginning to feel light headed as if all her blood had succumbed to the force of gravity, retreating to her legs. Right, she didn't do well with confrontations, how did she forget?
"- isn't that right, Alyssa? Alyssa..?" Shin ae asked and it was only then did she realise the question was posed at her and she didn't have the faintest clue what had been asked of her just now.
"Y- Yes?" She had no idea what Shin ae saw in her face back then, but the small, weak smile she was trying to muster faltered, then disappeared, and she casted another wary glance at Yeong gi who staunchily refused to meet her eyes now and was glaring furiously at the floor.
Shin ae sighed. "Yeong gi, this isn't fair to her. I told you I don't know everything. She deserves a chance to tell her side of the story too. We have to let her speak!" When he didn't respond, Shin ae sighed again and then turned to face Alyssa with contrition holding her voice hostage, "I'm really, really sorry, Alyssa. I didn't mean to hurt you like this. It slipped from my mind that you two are dating."
At that, Yeong gi kicked the leg of the bedpost hard, still refusing to meet either of their gazes.
Some part of her was relieved that he didn't. She didn't quite think she could stand seeing so much anger, so much spite directed her way at that moment. She felt like she was crumbling, just inches away from her legs giving out underneath her.
At that point, all Alyssa wanted was for the floor to open up and swallow her whole.
"I'm truly sorry," Shin ae repeated and one glance was enough to confirm that she was beating herself really badly for snitching. Somehow, Alyssa couldn't find it in her to resent her. A part of her knew all along that someday her demons would catch up with her. That the closet full of skeletons would someday burst open and there would be no place to hide. So she couldn't really resent her, not really.
"No, no, not at all!" she finally mustered and her voice sounded like she was choking. Shin ae's glance softened, to something akin to pity and that hurt worse than anything else that night. "It- It isn't your fault at all! You could have died that day. I - I was the one in the w-wrong. You shouldn't feel bad. . . I - I'll see myself out," She turned, not trusting herself to carry out this conversation any further, wanting desperately to escape when a hand unexpectedly clasped around her wrist, bringing her to a sudden halt.
She whirled around and there was Yeong gi. His face was still a hard mask and she reflexively flinched, but the words that came out of his throat were better modulated like he was trying his hardest to keep them under control,
"No.." he paused, storm still raged within those lens, a deadly concotion of anger and pain and contempt and something else that she couldn't quite pin down, "Stay."
Yeong gi took a deep, steadying breath, "I want to hear your side of the story too."
Slowly and haltingly, she told an account of a tale that changed the very lives of two girls. The story didn't start at the beginning. It didn't start with the fate of two girls intersecting on a warm sunny day in the middle of the term. No, just like any real story, it had its origins rooted in a time before that one fateful encounter. It started with a girl who desperately craved freedom and how that freedom was granted to her and under what conditions. A story of a budding friendship and dreams and a project and how a single moment of thoughtlessness unraveled it all in the span of a breath.
That was the beginning of the end.
The repercussions that followed were largely unimagined and frightfully indelible. Things rapidly spiralled out of control, not only at school but also at home. A love confession and a rejection, a lost shawl and a harrowing note. One note became one too many and she found herself tangled in a web of lies and rumours. The walls of secrets grew and grew and grew until she could find no simple way out and that trapped her some even more.
Resentment festered and grew, bitter words were said and exchanged and it all came to a header on an ill fated day with a fall, where one girl nearly lost her life and the other lost her all.
Silence descended in the small room like a wet heavy blanket when she finished the tale.
Her eyes kept staring unseeingly at her clasped hands in her lap. They had obstinately refused to cease trembling the entire time.
Something wet and cool sloshed over them and it was then she realised, oh, she was crying.
Yeong gi had his back to both girls and not even once had he glanced her way after cutting off her desperate attempt to escape. He held still, not moving, his eyes fixed at the falling snow outside the lone, open window.
Shin ae was the first one to break. "Why didn't you tell me anything?" she looked baffled, "oh god Alyssa. I had no idea. I thought - I thought we were receiving the same bullying notes but this was so much worse," she gasped, horrified, "How were you dealing with all this alone? You should have told someone! A teacher, your parents, me!"
Alyssa choked back a hysterical laugh, "My parents would have been delighted to take me out of the school! They wouldn't have understood one bit," she continued bitterly, "not one bit!"
"But still!" Shin ae insisted, then another rapid thought sent her reeling, "was this why you were avoiding me? Cause the guys thought we were- we were - oh my god. I thought you were buying into those bully rumours."
"What? No, of course not!" Alyssa blanched, "Shin ae, I would never! Even on that last day, I didn't want to say those hurtful words but those girls didn't seem like they were going to give up anytime soon and I couldn't think of anything that would help you except playing along!"
"How could losing my best friend could have helped me, you fool?" Tears were beginning to pool in the corner of Shin ae's eyes and Alyssa found herself blinking back her own. "And all this while I was thinking. . .You should have told me all this earlier."
"I- I tried- I tried - that day at the hospital, but couldn't muster up the courage. I didn't think you'd want to see me -"
Her words were cut unexpectedly short when a pair of arms suddenly enveloped her in her own and then both girls were holding onto each other and crying.
A great weight seemed to lift off Alyssa's shoulders, one whose burden she had been carrying all along, not knowing, not even realising that what she wanted - no, needed- to hear all this while was somebody to say I forgive you. For Shin ae to say I don't hate you.
Both things were said in the warmth of that embrace. A silent promise that ignited an ember of hope inside both girls' chest, that perhaps it's still not too late to rebuild a friendship, one they both had thought they had lost. Perhaps it's still not too late to give it a shot.
After what seemed like ages, they finally disentangled, cheeks flushed and eyes bright, Shin ae gave her a small smile, then glanced back at the third occupant of the room who had neither moved nor uttered a single word in the entire exchange.
Alyssa swallowed hard, her eyes dropping back to her lap. She knew Shin ae forgiving her doesn't equate to him absolving her. Yeong gi was. . .different. Friendships and betrayal mattered a great deal more in his world. And in all likelihood, she had lost him way before she was led to the edge of a precipice and told to jump. And she had, despite there absolutely being no assurance, cause what was there for her to lose anymore? All that she could have lost, she had, long before she walked into that room.
"Yeong gi," Shin ae started, then thought better of it, "I'll go check if they're ready for discharge," she vaguely pointed at the door, looking mildly uncomfortable, "I'll give you two a moment of privacy - you guys should talk about- you guys should talk."
When there was no response from his end, she sighed, shaking her head. Alyssa stole a furtive glance at the pair. Her eyes followed Shin ae as she placed a hand on his shoulder, patting him awkwardly before he brought up his own to rest it atop hers. It felt like a private moment and she felt she should look away but she couldn't tear away her gaze. Like a moth drawn to a flame, it remain transfixed where they joined together, her small one covered by his warm and large one, squeezing it gently.
Shin ae gave her a last, final smile, one she hoped to be encouraging. And then she left, but her ghost still remained, larger than ever before.
A moment or two of hesitation and then Alyssa rose from her spot on the bedside seat, and settled herself on the opposite edge of the cot, facing the door. At least this way she wouldn't have to keep seeing his back.
"Say something," she begged. She felt like she was about to crack. "I don't want you to forgive me but say something please! B- Yeong gi?" she bit her lip, narrowly avoiding the landmine the word babe had now become.
"It's not my place to forgive you," he answered quietly. "Why did you lie?" he asked after a beat, "When you said you two were good friends."
"I didn't," replied Alyssa, a half broken sob jutting in between the words, "I wasn't trying to lie. I only wanted to hide the full truth."
"Hiding the truth is also a form of lying," he stated, "and truth has a nasty way of coming out."
"I know." she could only whisper.
The snow continued to fall outside, wiping the slate clean. The winter was going to be long and cold. A silent promise of a frigid landscape, devoid of colours and desolate in nature and Alyssa shivered from more than just the temperature. A chilling numbness was slowly beginning to spread across her fingers, seep into her bones.
Yeong gi's anger scared her but now she was beginning to realise how absolutely terrifying his indifference could be. It could easily cut one like a shard of ice.
Shin ae didn't have to face that.. Shin ae would never have to face that. He smiles at her, wants to talk with her, attend her parties, she would-
The door flung open and there stood Rand Hirahara. He took one look at the scene, before his eyes fastened at his son who looked visibly startled like his father was the last person he was expecting to visit.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine," Yeong gi answered, a little warily.
Rand slowly nodded. He stalled, looking like he wanted to say something else but then changed his mind, glancing back outside.
"Get ready," he instructed instead, his voice stiff and formal, "All paperwork has been taken care of. They're ready for discharge. YuJing is waiting outside with the car keys. Don't keep her waiting. Don't forget you still have a prison sentence to look forward to."
"Cheers."
Rand chose to ignore the remark and after casting one final glance in Alyssa's direction, he left without another word.
Alyssa immediately shot to her feet, making up her mind for the final plunge that is demanded of her tonight.
Without her realising, Yeong gi had skirted around the bed and was now standing merely a feet away from her. That was much closer than she'd like, so she took a step back.
Steeling her resolve, she met his gaze. "You were right," she hoped her voice was level and smooth and her emotions didn't show. For someone who is constantly under the spotlight, it confounds her how frequently she goes unnoticed, how easily she slips into the cracks, but perhaps this was her greatest talent. The uncanny ability to hide.
She took another anchoring breath, before continuing in one beat, "This is not working out. We should break up."
Yeong gi's eyes widened, marginally, clearly taken aback, but before he could digest those words, divest them of their meaning, she was plunging straight ahead, too afraid she'll lose her nerve if she didn't say her part first.
"I couldn't understand what you were trying to say back then - that day, on the rooftop - but now, I do," she forced a smile, although her heart ached like a twisting knife, cause now she knew. She knew, he'll never look at her the way he looks at Shin ae.
He'll never listen to her like he does with her friend.
"You can't force love. If it is there, it is there and if it isn't, then it's not. You've to toughen up and just accept it," she continued, speaking almost to herself, "It was remiss of me to not realise this sooner. How silly of me!"
He'll never fall in love with her like she once hoped cause he had already given his heart to a different girl.
Shock registered on his face for a brief flashing second, like he could hardly comprehend what she was saying before he smoothened his expression into a cold, detached mask. "I see." His voice was flat.
"Right!" and her own voice broke this time.
She had been buying time that day, realising so little how it was already too late...
"It was I who couldn't quite see that," she confessed, fresh tears now pricking her eyes and she furiously blinked them away. "Couldn't understand what you meant on the rooftop that night."
Now all she could do was set him free.
The day when he finally leaves.
His lips pressed into a thin line and he looked away, gazing outside at the flurry of snow.
Alyssa almost laughed. She likes to win, oh! how badly she likes to win, she has always liked winning and that's all she had ever known, refusing to give up cause she wanted to win, but the real trait of a winner is knowing when they have lost... And retreating, just as gracefully as if they've won.
So she smiled her best smile, the one she had practised her entire life and with everything she had, she hoped and prayed and implored, it won't fail her when she needed it most.
"You should ask Shin ae out!" she finally said, hoping she sounded like a supportive ex. A supportive friend. "You two will make a really cute couple I'm sure!"
Yeong gi's eyes whipped back to her face. "What?"
"She's a great girl. Ah, but you know that already! I - she'll make you really happy and-" her eyes wandered around the room, searching frantically for something else to add only to come up blank. So she gives up. . The night was beginning to extract its toll and nobody wanted to hear it but she had a breaking point too. She was just as human as them all and there's only so much one could fake. "You two will be really happy indeed!"
She hesitated, a little unsure how to end this properly.
And in a moment of pure indecisiveness, she reached out a hand, as if to hold him or maybe hold onto him, before realising she has no right at all. And so, she spun on her heel and all but ran from that room.
Her best practised smile splintering into a million pieces just before the door closed.