Work Text:
No matter how much he overlooked it, he can’t help but feel lonely at some occasions, he has amazing friends and a cheerful personality yet his heart felt lonely
He’s used to this kind of feeling, but he despised it, he deeply despised this feeling he had ever since he was a kid
He tried his best to hide this loneliness with a mask he held everyday at his daily life, but he simply can’t get rid of this particular feeling
”I hate it” he thought, though he can’t do much about it, its not like he doesn’t want to, its just he doesn’t know how to
He tried everything, everything to get rid of the loneliness in his heart, yet nothing worked
Though nothing worked, he still acted through his mask as if nothings wrong with his life
But soon enough that mask will break.
Who will judge him if they can’t see through his mask? No one, thats the positive thing about having a mask to cover up your real personality, your lonely trait, your useless trait about you
But sometimes he wonders, was this his actual personality? Or just merely a mask to cover up his loneliness
Even he doesn’t know himself well, the one thing he know of is definitely wanting to be a star, which wasn’t his dreams either
It was his sister’s request from the past, the one Tsukasa wanted to fulfill for a long time now, the one request that shaped his whole life and choices
All decided by that one specific request
It was his choice to fulfill the request so he wont complain, in fact, he was absolutely ‘happy’ to have a purpose, an actual purpose in his life, which is to fulfill his sister’s request to become a star, a star which everyone including his sister cherished and loved
But was that the only thing he wished for? To be honest, he doesn’t know
All he just thought about is being a star, an admirable and perfect star, a cheerful one
And in order to fulfill his life purpose, is to mask all his negative emotions to a happy one, what’s a star actual purpose if he’s unhappy? Absolutely nothing!
This ‘happy’ feeling will last long if he keep on masking his personality and loneliness he felt everyday in his heart
”Tsukasa, can you do me a favor?” Nene asked reluctantly at the star, unsure if he can fulfill her favor, though she had no choice but to ask Tsukasa
”Hmm? Of course! What favor do you ought for me to do?” He asked confidently, but he knew, he felt a slight nervous in his heart
”Its just.. can you please help me with some assignments? I would ask Rui but he seemed busy at the moment” Nene continued
”Of course! I’d be glad to help! — So what seemed to be troubling you?” Tsukasa asked curiously
”This english assignment, I don’t understand english that much, can you help me with this?”
”Absolutely! Anything for my beloved!” Tsukasa said
English wasn’t a subject that he favors much due to the confusing grammar the teacher has, but if he can be useful for his friends then he’d be gladly to help
As some minutes—hours passed, Tsukasa had finished helping (doing) Nene’s assignment, but something about it feels off, to him, his answers in her assignment were somewhat off and weird, he couldn’t help but feel like Nene might fail her assignment due to Tsukasa’s lack of understanding simple English and her answers were all wrong and.. its all because of him
”Ah you really helped me a lot, thanks..” Nene mumbled as she waved goodbye at her lover
Tsukasa waved back, but something in his heart is telling him that the answers he’s given to Nene were all wrong, and that she’ll fail this assignment all thanks to him
‘What is this feeling..’
Doubt.
Tsukasa had sometimes doubted his skills and academic skills deeply inside, but on the outside, he seemed a lot more confident then ever
He didn’t want to doubt himself, he didn’t, but his heart tells him otherwise
Why can’t this feeling go away? Why can’t he ACTUALLY be happy for once in a while? It felt like ages since he felt actual ‘happiness’
Now all he is was just merely just a doll, a doll with no purpose unless someone requested him to do something
A numb doll who can’t seem to understand human emotions clearly
Tsukasa is a rather.. how should I describe him.. someone who seemed open on the outside, but inside he kept a bottle of jar with his negative emotions all bottled up inside with a mask protecting this particular ‘bottle’
Tsukasa has always overlooked his problems or even downplay his problems, which is actually far more serious than he actually think
”Its nothing, really! I’m fine, besides shouldn’t you worry about yourself more? My problems isn’t that important compared to you!” Which is one of the examples he would say
He would rather get stabbed by a hundred knifes rather than opening up about his problems, which is the kind of person he is
He never really payed much attention to himself, well, at some occasions he would sometimes do something to get rid at least one of his problems, but he would occasionally let this slide and ruin him slowly, even when he doesn’t realize it
He hated himself for it.
He deeply despised this part of himself, but no matter what he do, his problems would come back no matter how much he avoids it, and eventually he just, needs to accept it
Although he often overlooked his problems, or even let his problems ruin him
He’s the type of person who wouldn’t let go of what he truly wished for, becoming a star
As I said earlier, his wish on becoming a star is because of his sisters desires, but he accept the fact that, becoming a star is his real goal even if its just his sisters request, its what keeps him going
And by that I mean, he’ll do absolutely anything, anything to achieve that dream
Even if it means that he’ll ruin his own body for it.