Chapter Text
prelude: the end of all beginnings
it went like this: hyunjae and juyeon would spend most of their time at the younger’s house. his father lived abroad now in some countryside village in the uk while his mother often worked the evening shift at a local car manufacturer. honestly, it was perfect. they’d leave hyunjae’s student council president office at around 5 when the school doors were seconds from being locked, then they’d head to juyeon’s house and stay there until around 9 when the younger’s mom was about half an hour away from getting home.
it was a well-planned and entirely effective schedule that both of them had become accustomed to over the last two years that they had been dating. the best part was probably how easy it was to stay out of sight that way, the two boys only really had each other as friends and hyunjae liked to stay as far away from the other kids as he could. juyeon understood him somewhat, his want to free himself from the constraints of who he was, from his father’s business, an empire that not even juyeon knew the full scale of.
every day was the same and that particular monday afternoon was absolutely no different. the bell had rang sharply a few minutes ago and knocked juyeon from a daze he didn’t even know he was in, he closed the cover of his notebook and haphazardly shoved everything into his bag before all but sprinting out of the classroom doors.
no matter how much of each day they spent together, juyeon always found himself missing hyunjae. perhaps it was unhealthy, perhaps it was weird but to juyeon, hyunjae was happiness personified. it was how safe he felt in the older’s presence, every smile cast his way sent juyeon’s heart speeding, every soft touch had him weak at the knees, hyunjae was like oxygen and juyeon couldn’t help but need him to survive. as he rounded the corner of the corridor and found himself face to face with the student council office door, the younger stopped for a second to smile before pushing it open.
“took you long enough,” were the first words that came from hyunjae’s mouth as he spotted his boyfriend at the door. juyeon basked in the sight of him, tie pulled loose and top button of his shirt opened up, he followed the movement as hyunjae pushed a hand through his hair and stood up to embrace him in a tight hug.
“i got here as fast as i could,” juyeon chuckled lightly as he rested his chin on hyunjae’s shoulder.
“well i missed you so it wasn’t fast enough.”
they both sat down then, juyeon pulled out a textbook while hyunjae went over some budgeting that the council members had discussed that day. it was calm and peaceful and juyeon always found that he could focus better in hyunjae’s presence so they did this nearly every day.
“dad wants me home early tonight,” hyunjae sighed as the clock ticked over to 4:56pm and he tucked his papers away into a folder, “something important he says he wants to discuss with me about our final exams and university.”
ah. juyeon hated these kind of conversations. he knew what was going to happen, hyunjae’s father had been adamant that he must study in the usa or uk. juyeon couldn’t blame him, hyunjae’s grades were easily enough for him to be accepted into oxford, cambridge or harvard, juyeon’s own hard work still meant that he paled in comparison to his boyfriend and while he couldn’t possibly be more proud, thinking of what that would mean for them and their relationship hurt.
“oh,” he breathed out after waiting for a few seconds too long. hyunjae looked up from what he was doing and met juyeon’s gaze before sighing softly and tucking a few stray strands of hair behind his boyfriend’s ear.
“i won’t go if it upsets you,” he breathed out in a voice so soft and loving that juyeon’s heart nearly exploded, “there’s plenty of good universities here, we could always go together.”
“i don’t even know if i want to go,” juyeon replied and hyunjae smiled lightly. the reason why was perhaps juyeon’s only secret that he kept from his boyfriend.
he dreamed of being an idol.
ever since he was a child, he’d watched what felt like thousands of people perform on tv, he’d watched every award show and music show and variety show there was and his heart simply latched itself on to the idea of it all. he knew how hard it would be, he knew it would be a risk to enter a company, he knew that he would either gain the whole world or leave with nothing at all but juyeon wanted to take that risk.
he just didn’t know how to tell anyone, not even hyunjae.
“that’s okay too,” hyunjae hummed lightly, not even understanding just how much his words calmed down juyeon’s spiralling mind, “university isn’t for everyone, there’s so many other paths you can take, we’ll talk about this later okay? dad doesn’t want me home until seven anyway.”
juyeon nodded and they left the room soon after, locking the conversation behind the closed door. it was safe to hold hands like this, walking through the empty corridors and down the streets to juyeon’s house. until they reached his neighbourhood they were just nameless faces, just another couple in a sea of people. juyeon liked it best like this, he liked being able to just be without a care in the world.
however just like all good things did, the time they spent at his house passed all too quickly and soon the episode of hyunjae’s favourite drama that they had been watching came to a halt and the older decided it was time to talk yet again.
“my dad wants me to apply for harvard and yale,” hyunjae began, fiddling with the corner of juyeon’s bed sheets nervously, “he said he knows a few people who could help me get in…”
“you know that’s-“ juyeon began but got cut off.
“i don’t want it either, i want to get in on merit and not just because my dad knows people, it makes all my hard work feel like it’s not worth it at all,” hyunjae explained and juyeon understood him even if hyunjae’s situation was something he could never comprehend, he reached out to hold his boyfriend’s hand despite not really knowing what to say.
it had always been a little like this. despite working so well together, they couldn’t possibly be from worlds that were more different, hyunjae had everything right at his fingertips but it was that fact that made him scared to reach for anything. he wanted to work and get what he deserved but his family had always given him everything before he’d even had the chance to prove himself worthy. juyeon on the other hand had worked for literally everything he had and sometimes didn’t get what he deserved even then.
“you’re a good person hyunjae,” were the words he settled on eventually. he pressed his lips to his boyfriend’s lightly for good measure, “i’m sure you’ll get in and deserve it no matter how you go about it, it’s admirable that you want to work so hard.”
“you think so?” hyunjae asked in a rare moment of vulnerability that only juyeon ever got to see.
“i know so,” juyeon giggled lightly at the cheesiness of it all but this didn’t stop hyunjae from laying a kiss on his temple.
“you’re too good for me,” the older smiled.
“no, that’s definitely the other way around.”
-
hyunjae applied for harvard that night and a few weeks later after multiple interviews, the most stressful exam period of their lives and nights spent with hyunjae crying to juyeon over the phone, the older received a letter to tell him that he had been accepted. juyeon held it together better than he thought he would, he managed to facetime an ecstatic hyunjae for around fifteen minutes before all of his strength disappeared just as his boyfriend excused himself to go and celebrate with his family.
it was then that juyeon properly broke down.
the tears began falling as soon as the call ended and no part of juyeon had the energy to try and stop them. everything just felt so pointless. he knew he was being a little bit dramatic, if their love couldn’t handle three years worth of distance then maybe they weren’t meant to be at all but that thought alone was enough to terrify juyeon.
he knew how the story usually went. rich son of a businessman goes to university abroad, finds a new life there and never comes home. it was textbook and juyeon knew that really he was the only thing keeping hyunjae here, he was the only thing holding him back from that life that so many others took on.
it was two days later that they fought for the first time.
juyeon was still an emotional wreck despite how hard he tried to hide it from hyunjae. the older, oblivious as ever, didn’t seem to notice his boyfriend’s state at all and continued happily talking about his future and drinking in the faux excited responses that juyeon offered him.
“my dad even picked me out a dorm room already!” hyunjae beamed, “i’m going to have to room with this guy called daniel that’s apparently my dad’s friend’s son or something but the room is so cool.” he scrolled through a few pictures on his phone before stopping on a picture of a handsome looking boy, “that’s daniel, his korean name is yeonjun i think, dad says we’ll get along great anyway.”
juyeon desperately tried to fight down the lump that was forming in his throat. he trusted hyunjae with his life, of course, he knew that the older would never even consider cheating on him but that didn’t mean that yeonjun wouldn’t be a suitable replacement for hyunjae when they inevitably did drift away from each other. juyeon had read the online forums, he’d seen what people had said about their partners going to university abroad, he’d read countless it never works and it’s only natural that they’ll find someone else juyeon quickly found that he couldn’t school his expression anymore and his face turned sour. hyunjae noticed almost instantly.
“why are you looking at him like that?” he joked at first but juyeon could hear the underlying tone to it, “don’t you trust me?”
juyeon reacted quickly to the question, “of course i trust you, i’d trust you with my life you know that, it’s just…” he trailed off. part of him wanted to tell hyunjae everything he felt outright but a bigger part of him didn’t want to ruin his excitement so he ended up saying nothing at all for what seemed like too long.
“that’s it isn’t it?” hyunjae questioned and juyeon couldn’t bring himself to say anything despite wanting nothing more than to scream to the whole world that hyunjae was probably the only person alive he would fully trust with anything. “you don’t trust me?” the older asked and the crack in his voice was enough to spur juyeon’s brain into action once again.
“no, i do, i’d trust you with anything it’s just…” juyeon took a deep breath, “what if you get bored of having to call me all the time? what if we don’t have time to speak to each other? what if we drift apart? everyone says that’s what happens in the end, i’m scared,” juyeon breathed out finally.
“why would you ever think i’d let that happen?” hyunjae asked and juyeon could see the foundations of a wall beginning to build itself between them, they’d never been like this, “i could never get bored of you, i would always make time for you, why didn’t you say all of this to me before i applied? you know that i would have stayed here if i knew that it would hurt you.”
“you shouldn’t have to backtrack on your dreams for me,” juyeon spoke back almost immediately, “look how excited you are, who am i to take that away from you? it wouldn’t be fair, you can’t spend your whole life missing out on opportunities because it makes me sad.”
“have you ever considered that seeing you upset makes me upset?” hyunjae asked, tears now forming in both of their eyes, “don’t you realise that’s what couples do? we’re supposed to talk about these things, we’re supposed to take each other into account, if we’re going to spend our lives together then we need to make decisions like this together.”
“hyunjae we’re not having a child or getting married, university isn’t a forever decision, you need to do what’s best for you, not for me,” juyeon spoke back incredulously even though the connotations of hyunjae’s words had his heart beating at a million miles an hour. was he really thinking of that already? was he really ready to commit to juyeon for life?
“ju,” hyunjae spoke quietly, “i don’t understand, why are you so willing to just let me go?”
juyeon’s heart broke at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice, “i’m not willing to let you go, i would never be willing to let you go, you’re everything to me and that is why i don’t want to hold you back.”
hyunjae sighed deeply, “can we just not think about this right now?” he asked, “can we just cuddle? my brain doesn’t have the energy to talk anymore.”
juyeon sighed as he briefly remembered his mom telling him once that unfinished discussions today were just the foundations of tomorrow’s arguments but he couldn’t bring himself to deny hyunjae’s request. instead they lay down together until 9pm, hyunjae traced little pictures on juyeon’s hands where they rested on his stomach and juyeon held hyunjae so tightly that the older wondered if he would ever let go.
eventually though, the clock struck nine and they disentangled themselves before hyunjae kissed juyeon goodbye and headed home.
-
juyeon’s mom had been right. the next argument came only a day later. the younger had been up all night thinking and he’d decided that it was about time let hyunjae know about his dream. there had been a catalyst of course, juyeon had been scrolling through instagram the night before when it had caught his eye.
HI-LA ENTERTAINMENT FOURTH OPEN AUDITION
ARE YOU A BOY AGED 14-20? DO YOU HAVE A PASSION FOR SINGING, RAPPING OR DANCING? DO YOU DREAM OF BEING A GLOBAL STAR?
juyeon had found that his answers to all of those questions had been yes and without much thought, he’d filled in the application form complete with a video of his most recent favourite dance practice and sent it off. it was only after he clicked submit did he think of what the consequences might be.
if he made it, he’d have to train and he knew how much that cost, he also knew that it was money that his family simply didn’t have. the chances of him actually making it to debut were slim and the chances of his group being successful were even slimmer but juyeon knew that he would regret it forever if he never even gave it a go. these insecurities, however, lead to hyunjae being the first person that he told.
somehow, it seemed that his boyfriend always knew exactly what to say. whether it was some weird sixth sense or superpower, juyeon didn’t know but hyunjae was suspiciously good at understanding him and so when he stepped through the younger’s door on saturday morning while juyeon's mom attended her book club, the younger quickly ushered him into the living room and told him to sit down.
“what is it?” hyunjae asked with a bright grin on his face, “you seem like nervously excited.”
“okay, do you promise not to say anything until i’m finished?”
“promise,” hyunjae replied easily without much thought.
“i applied to hi-la entertainment,” juyeon began and quickly he saw hyunjae’s smile drop, “i’ve always wanted to be an idol since i was like three but it’s been a secret dream of mine but then i saw you going off to harvard and chasing your dream and i thought, will i ever forgive myself if i don’t give it a try? so i sent the application form off yesterday…” he bit his lip nervously, “what do you think?”
“juyeon…” hyunjae trailed off, “don’t you think it’s a bit… risky?”
the younger inhaled sharply, “of course but you can’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take risks can you?”
“yeah but…” hyunjae paused again and juyeon could almost hear his brain whirring as he tried to find the right thing to say, “me going to harvard, no matter what happens i can come home and work for my dad’s company, it’s a dream that’s low risk and easily achievable, this is just…”
“you don’t think i’ll make it?” juyeon asked quietly, a little taken aback and a little more hurt than he expected to be.
“juyeon…” hyunjae spoke but didn’t try to answer the younger’s question, “most people fail.”
“i know,” juyeon said unable to keep the hurt from seeping into his tone, “but i want to try, if i have a trainee debt that i have to pay back for the rest of my life then i still tried didn’t i? i can still look at it being taken away from my wages and know that i never wasted my passion and determination,” he looked up at hyunjae almost desperately searching for some kind of encouragement and belief but he found nothing. hyunjae simply looked stoic and juyeon couldn’t understand his thought process at all.
“but… don’t you think it’s a bit pointless if you’re just setting yourself up for failure?” hyunjae pushed his hair away from his face almost frustratedly and despite the fact that they were only a few metres apart juyeon had never felt further from his boyfriend than he did in that moment.
“you think i have no chance at all?” he questioned in confusion and utter disbelief, “you think it’s pointless?”
“i just-,” hyunjae spoke out exasperatedly as if he had no idea what was even going through the younger’s mind, “i’ve never even heard of hi-la, even if you did debut you’d just be another new group to add to the hundreds of unknown ones, you’d be miserable and just disband after a few years still with loads of debt and no job experience to fall back on, surely you know this isn’t a viable career path right?”
the words cut deep into juyeon’s heart. did hyunjae really have that little belief in him? was he ready to discredit juyeon and all of the hard work he was willing to put in before he’d even started? hyunjae was speaking as if his thought process was the most obvious thing in the world, he spoke as if juyeon was dumb for not seeing what he saw. the younger felt so small.
“how can you say that? at least i can try and make something out of myself, i can work hard an-“
“hard work isn’t everything, people work hard and die poor all the time,” hyunjae all but snapped back, clearly getting annoyed, “you’re being ridiculous.”
a switch inside of juyeon’s mind flipped and heartbreak quickly turned to anger, “that’s so easy for you to say because you don’t have to work hard, you could go to harvard, flunk all of your exams, get kicked out and still come back to korea and have a well paid job and huge house and anything you ever wanted, that’s not the real world for me hyunjae, i have to work for the things that i want.”
“you’re saying i don’t work?” hyunjae laughed bitterly, “you think that this life isn’t hard? going away to harvard isn’t going to be easy for me, you know that.”
“it’s going to be easier than anything i will ever do in my life, you have a safety net, you have your parents money, you’re never going to have to work hard for anything for a single day in your life, you get everything given to you even your university place could’ve been given to you,” juyeon spat out before his brain could catch up and he winced internally at the words he didn’t mean however before he could say anything more, hyunjae was already firing back.
“at least i’m going to be doing something that will actually get me somewhere, idol training is pointless, you’re just going to fail and then be left with millions of won debt and a shit job,” hyunjae responded so coldly that juyeon wondered whether this was even the hyunjae that he knew, “in case you haven’t noticed most idols are like me with that safety net and failure would not matter, i could apply and if i failed it wouldn’t matter.”
juyeon saw red. “what the fuck is that supposed to mean? so having a dream is okay for someone like you? you can do whatever the fuck you want because your dad’s money is always there for you to fall back on? people like me should just work their asses off and be content to always be secondary to people like you?” juyeon scoffed, “that’s so fucking shallow hyunjae.”
“but isn’t it true?” hyunjae asked with a fiery expression in his eyes, “if i wanted i could be an idol trainee within seconds, life isn’t fucking fair juyeon unless you haven’t noticed that already.”
“is that really what you think of me?” juyeon questioned bitterly, tone cold as if his heart had suddenly stopped fluttering for hyunjae like it always had before, “is that all you’ve seen whenever you look at me? someone lesser? is that what i am to you? juyeon who will have to settle for a shit life because he wasn’t born rich? fuck you.”
“juyeon-“ hyunjae froze as his boyfriend's words sunk in and the cold quickly disappeared from his eyes. he’d fucked up and he knew it but to juyeon the damage was already done, “juyeon please you know that’s not what i was trying to say.”
“but you did say it,” juyeon persisted, “i’m not the type of person to try for my dreams because i don’t have money and if i fail i don’t have the back up of my parents just being able to pay people as much as they want to help me achieve it anyway? that’s not what you meant?”
“juyeon, you know tha-“
“do i?” the younger felt as if all his deepest insecurities were being laid bare for hyunjae to see. he’d known that he would never be good enough for hyunjae, he’d known that they came from two completely different worlds, hell half of the reason that they had to be so secretive was because hyunjae was afraid that his parents would make them split up if they were found out. juyeon should’ve seen it coming. they never had a chance at lasting forever.
“juyeon-“ hyunjae spoke out desperately but his pleas fell on deaf ears. juyeon was stupidly, unbelievably hurt.
“i know i’m not the rich, son of a businessman boyfriend you and your parents always wanted but i will never apologise for being who i am and i will never apologise for chasing after my dream,” juyeon spoke measuredly despite the turmoil in his brain, “i think we should take a break, i don’t know if i can handle knowing that those thoughts are in your head,” his voice cracked a little at the end and hyunjae’s expression instantly turned to one of complete panic.
“no, juyeon please, i didn’t mean it that way,” he moved towards juyeon but the younger quickly pulled away, “please.. fuck that’s not what i think, i just said shit because i was angry, juyeon please listen to me” hyunjae’s eyes widened as he bit nervously at his lip, “i can’t lose you ju… please, we can talk this out, i swear i didn’t mean it that way, please” hyunjae spoke as tears began falling from his eyes faster than he could wipe them away.
“it’s not forever, i just need to digest this,” juyeon felt the strings of his heart twisting as he committed hyunjae’s desperate, heartbroken expression to memory.
it’s not forever juyeon had said. the first lie he’d ever told to hyunjae.