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"Touko, are you alright?"
I must have looked really out of it for Sayaka to have worry painted on her usually calm face. She seems to be working on something, with a pen in hand and some books and notebooks in front of her. Whether it's student council or exams-related, I'm not certain. We're alone in the student council room.
"I d-dozed off?" I asked, with a cracked voice. She just stared at me, a little shocked maybe, both her hands unmoving from working.
Though she didn't respond to that, I obviously have been.
I was having nightmares.
In my dream, I was barefoot and standing atop a familiar wooden floor that seems to be from our old house. A long corridor with grey walls stretched before me, and at the end stood the person that I longed for so much.
I have seen this scene so many times and they all have ended the same way. Despite this, I hoped and prayed guiltlessly at the figure, wishing that this time, things would be different and that she would choose to stay.
An aching sensation started to grip my chest, slowly spreading throughout my body, as she started heading out.
"No... N-no... Don't go..."
I took an unstable step forward as my heart continued to plead.
When it looked like she wasn't going to turn around, that's when I started running frantically towards her. I ran as fast as I could.
Everything became a little blurry after that, there were faces, voices, and even sirens blocking my senses. The floor even started to wave, making it difficult to reach my desired destination.
I tried to scream to warn her, but no sounds came. I desperately screamed for her name over and over until I felt my throat rip, only to hear nothing but my ragged breaths and the pounding of my own hurting heart. Around me, the floors and walls wave, the mocking faces getting closer, the noises growing bigger and more unbearable. My feet felt heavy like it was made of mud melting and combining with the wobbling floor, preventing me to catch up.
I was drowning in my own screams when I suddenly woke up in the student council room.
When Sayaka didn't say a word, I tried to laugh it off as best as I could. My heart still pounded like crazy, affecting my tone. "Y-you should have woken me up! This is so un-presidential of me, and un-vice presidential of you to let me sleep at school like this."
There is a kitchenette located at the corner of the student council room. I headed there, hoping that a cold splash will help me gather myself. I didn't dare look, but I can feel Sayaka's gaze following me.
I brought my hands together and started filling them with water. In it reflected the face of an unfamiliar person.
The nightmares usually happen when... the pressure gets too much.
I haven't slept that much from all the work that I needed to do recently. Our class had to submit essays, reviews, and reports, in the last couple of days. It's been really busy with student council too so there wasn't really much time to allot for studying for the upcoming exams.
But I have to keep up no matter what, I argued with myself, tightening my grip at the edge of the sink, burying deep within my memory the image of the stranger that I saw earlier.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Sayaka asked behind me. She was standing at the doorway, a hand resting on the frame.
"I'm alright," I assured her with a convincing smile as I busily dried my face and hands with my handkerchief. There's no time to go over what happened. I need all my energy right now to properly answer Sayaka's incoming questions.
She took a step forward and took both my hands in hers.
They were shaking.
"Touko," she called out.
The look in Sayaka's eyes was kind. It was so kind that it hurt to look.
I felt naked and ashamed, having let my weakness show. This is not how Sayaka has gotten to know me. I couldn't look.
Sayaka held her ground, challenging me wordlessly.
This isn't the first time Sayaka's been confrontational about... about my thing. I have avoided her gaze when necessary, changed the topic, and offered spotless justifications to escape awkward questions on why things are, but this time... is different.
I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. I wanted to acknowledge her kind gesture, give her something that would satisfy her curiosity and hopefully extend our friendship for another day. That was the path that I wanted to take right there and then but the words were a little difficult to form.
The thought of her fully knowing about the other person scared me. I did not want to disappoint her, so I kept my mouth shut and continued to play my role.
When I failed to respond within an unreasonable amount of waiting time, she sighed and said, "Come on, I'm going to make us some tea."
When she turned away, I took a deep, calming breath to clear out my head and obediently followed.
Sayaka has always been kind to me and has always been there since day one. Spending this much time with her made me conclude that it would be too naïve on my end to assume that she's the type to stay clueless about what's truly happening around her. Every time I slip off my perfectly chiseled image, I catch her spotting it, bringing a part of me that is unsightly into existence. Although she never says anything about it, I can feel that behind that unreadable stare, her gears are working and turning, fitting puzzles into their rightful place.
She can be pretty straightforward when she wants to be. Not seeing her face right now as she prepares the tea made me a little anxious. I felt the need to take control of the situation so I said, "You know, I don't know how you do it. Being calm on top of all the things that we need to do."
It's just like what most people say, the best lies are rooted in truth. But I didn't need to lie, I hated that part.
Sayaka threw me a skeptical look, "Is the great Nanami Touko really complaining?"
"Hey, I'm only human, you know," I admitted in defeat.
We both sat down, with steaming mugs in front of us.
Sayaka had one hand upholding her face, quietly curious. If I don't speak soon, the questions will start coming again. "You're amazing, you know that?"
"Huh?" She raised both her eyebrows at this surprising, seemingly random comment.
Sayaka, the ever-reliable best friend with her beautiful caramel hair and sharp eyes. "I mean, I don't know how you don't get eyebags or a single strand of hair out of place." I planted my face at the table, stretching my arms flat ahead of me, as far as I can. So I truly am complaining. "I need a vacation," I groaned through the wooden table.
When I was done with my tantrums, not that they lasted long, I lifted my head up, not caring about my bangs falling wherever they wanted.
Through the strands of hair slightly blocking my vision, I peered over at Sayaka's direction. She looks amused at the mess in front of her.
"Can we eat at a buffet or something once all of this is over?" I asked, amused that she was amused.
For a split second, I thought she was going to say something else, but she smiled and then, "I know a great place."
"Loser pays?"
"I won't go down easily, you know," Sayaka replied smugly.
When she took my hand back there in the kitchenette and looked back kindly, I genuinely thought that the day has finally come for Sayaka to close the gap that we have intentionally maintained between us. I didn't realize how hearing her honest opinion scares me until this moment. It brought me great relief that she has decided not to rock the boat again, for now.
What people don't know most about is that, although we're seen together at school about ninety percent of the time, Sayaka is still a mystery to me.
Sometimes when I think I finally understood her, I get thrown back into doubting.
But no matter how unsure I am about her attraction to me, it can never be. I'll never deserve it.
Not just with her but with anyone.