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It’s weird, being totally blind. It’s even weirder when you used to, well, not be totally blind. An entire sense that you used to have gets totally blocked out, and your entire world sense changes because of it. It takes some adjustment, and it’s something that can totally screw with your head, but… it’s manageable. On the plus side, some of your other senses get heightened, which is essential for your own survival and functioning in an ever growing world.
For Starflight, it wasn't just weird; it was bizarre.
Even years after his unfortunate incident when he was running away from the volcano eruption, it still somehow managed to mess with his head. He always was able to hide it from everyone, only letting it secretly bother him. Behind a cheerful librarian was a dragon who felt as though they were a burden to everyone.
It wasn’t easy when he was initially blinded, it still isn’t easy even now, and… it probably won’t get any easier at the rate he was going. Sure, physically, he functioned. He had the entirety of Jade Mountain Academy memorized in his mind and was able to navigate it. He was able to fly around and hunt and do everything that a dragon could do.
But, mentally?
He was messed up, and it was getting harder and harder just to hide how messed up he truly was.
Not even the library—which was like a safe haven to him—was able to ease his mind. Built around him and his blindness for easy access, it should’ve been perfect for him. And it was!
Physically.
There was just that part of him that just wished it was a normal library. One that he didn’t have to use carved nameplates to find what he was trying to locate. One where he didn’t have to read a carved script using his talons.
One where he could just read normally like every other dragon.
He just wished he was normal.
Was he being selfish? Maybe. Did he know that there were moments where he couldn’t stand being blind and just wished that things were different? Yes. Absolutely. He wanted to be able to read with his eyes and not his talons. He wanted to be able to see the gorgeous sky of Pyrrhia and bask in the moonlight. He wanted to see his smiling friends' faces and look at how happy they all were, especially after everything they’d been through.
He just wished he was normal.
Was it normal for him to feel this way? Did Tamarin, the young rainwing that was also blind, feel like how Starflight did? She’d never even been able to see anything in general; she had no idea what it was like to see. But it’s not her fault. She was born that way.
Maybe Starflight was overthinking this. He shouldn’t be comparing his own experience with Tamarin’s; that was unfair for her. All he knew was that this feeling just wouldn’t go away, and he wanted some explanation for it.
He had previously hoped there was a way for his blindness to be cured. He remembered asking Turtle to come up with a spell to restore his eyesight, which, bless his heart, he was so willing to go through with it and got to work right away. But, ever since the loss of animus magic, there’s been little hope for his eyesight getting restored.
He just wished it was easier. He just wished he didn’t feel like an entire piece of him was missing (which, practically, there was). He wished he didn’t have to deal with any self-esteem issues about him and his lost vision. He just wished he could feel like things were normal; and not his current normal, his past normal. The normal where he could look around with his eyes and see the world for its beauty and see all of the dragons in the world that meant everything to him.
I just wish I was normal.
“Hey! Starflight!” a voice suddenly cried out right in front of him. The NightWing jumped out of his scales and looked in the direction of the voice. A small sniff told him that it was Clay speaking to him, which should’ve been obvious because of the voice, but the mixed smell of mud, medical supplies, and an excessive amount of food made it even more obvious. “There you are!” Clay exclaimed. “I was half-afraid you’d lost your hearing as well. That would’ve been the absolute worst.”
Starflight let a small frown appear on his face. He knew Clay didn’t mean any harm by that, but it still got to him. “Sorry, was that distasteful?” Clay said, his voice suddenly littered with concern. “Tsunami says I need to be more careful with what I’m saying to others.”
“I’m fine. It’s-” Starflight hesitated, letting out a soft sigh. “It’s fine. And, sorry, I was lost in thought for a while. You know how I can get, hah…” Starflight felt around under the counter and eventually found his bag, which he quickly wrapped around himself. He started to rush out of the library, ready to just run to his quarters and wallow in self-pity.
“Starflight, wait!” Clay cried out from behind him. Starflight turned around, a part of him expecting to see his friend’s face that he so desperately longed to see. “Are you sure you’re alright? You looked like you were really sad… Still kinda do.”
His tone of voice was somber and compassionate. That told Starflight he had to be smiling, but with a worried expression. And the thought of him smiling was almost enough to break him… Almost. “I’m fine, Clay,” Starflight replied, trying to keep his composure. “I just need a moment to myself. It’s probably almost sunset anyway, so I should be heading off to bed.”
“It’s actually well past sunset…” Clay corrected, and Starflight felt his heart drop. He’d somehow lost track of time. It was rather busy in the library, so he didn’t get much of a break. “Almost midnight, probably. There’s two full moons high in the sky, actually…” There was a pause. “They’re so pretty too.” The direction of his voice changed just slightly. Clay was looking to his side, probably at the entrance of the academy where the night sky presumably was.
“All the more reason for me to go to bed,” Starflight turned back around, desperate to just head off already.
“Wait! Aren’t you hungry? We could share a chicken! I know I’m definitely in the mood for one, and I’m sure you’d like-”
“Clay, not now, please,” Starflight said, uncharacteristically interrupting him. “Just leave me alone for the night, okay?” When Clay didn’t say another word, Starflight took his leave and headed off to his quarters.
He felt awful for being somewhat of a jerk, but his mental game was not in the mood for it. Clay could just be very insistent sometimes, and that insistence was not what Starflight needed. That’s the one thing about him that irked him. It was probably something that irked a lot of dragons, but Starflight knew it was a bother for him.
And even then, still somewhat irritated over his friend’s antics, he still felt totally and utterly drained from his own internal struggle over his eyesight. He really tried his hardest to not let it bother him, but… He didn’t even know what his own quarters looked like. He knew what it felt like and where it was located, but it would've been nice to see how it was decorated.
It would’ve been nice to see the entirety of Jade Mountain Academy in all of its glory.
It would’ve been nice to see.
But he simply couldn’t, and that utterly ate away at him, no matter how much he wished it didn’t, and no matter how much he tried to suppress and hide it.
“And that’s pretty much what happened,” Clay said to Tsunami and Sunny, finishing his explanation of his interaction with Starflight. He was in Sunny’s office with her and Tsunami, trying to get help understanding what was wrong with Starflight. He knew that the NightWing was hiding something, but he was too dumb to figure it out, and he knew it, even if nobody said it.
“Oh dear…” Sunny said. “I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of him being distressed like that. I know he gets a little anxious and worried, but…” She paused, trying to find the words. “What you described, Clay, sounds like something worse than just a little anxiety.”
“Well, one thing’s for sure,” Tsunami started. “That fucker is definitely hiding something.”
Clay couldn’t help but snicker at Tsunami’s bluntness, as well as Sunny’s stunned reaction. “Okay, hah, but… really. Why is he acting so… reserved? Is that the right word?”
“Yeah! Good job, big guy,” Tsunami teased. “Using big words like that.”
“Whatever.” Clay rolled his eyes, smirking to himself. Tsunami was always such a bully to him, even in serious moments. “I just don’t get it. He’s usually somewhat talkative when it comes to his problems. At least, that’s what I’ve observed.”
“Maybe it’s something that’s really eating away at him?” Sunny thought out loud. She paced around the small room, deliberating with herself. “I know he’ll sulk around a lot when he’s having issues.”
“Ooh! Maybe it’s about Clay!” Tsunami suddenly called out, looking right at the MudWing. “Do you know if you did anything recently to piss him off?”
“How should I know!?” Clay exclaimed. “I’ve barely interacted with him all day. It was so busy in the library. All the new classes, each with new lessons. I even had to get some scrolls myself for the Herbs and Healing class, and I didn’t say anything to Starflight then. He was so busy.”
“Maybe he’s stressed out from the crowd in the library,” Sunny suggested, stopping her pacing. “If that’s the case, we really should leave him alone.”
“Hmm…” Tsunami placed a talon under her chin, thinking really hard. Clay mimicked the motions, trying to think along with her. The thing that was stumping him was Starflight’s initial expression. He seemed like he was almost… reminiscent? I hope that’s right, he thought. These words keep screwing me up.
Tsunami then widened her eyes, and looked over at Sunny. “You don’t think…” She started, before trailing off. She then walked over right by Sunny and whispered something into her ear. Why she was being secretive about it, Clay had no idea.
“That’s ridiculous!” Sunny exclaimed once Tsunami broke away. “Starflight wouldn’t be crushing on Clay!”
“W-What!?” Clay yelled out, likely a little too loudly. “How does that make any sense? I… That’s…” For Tsunami to even suggest something like that was crazy. He and Starflight were just friends, nothing more. Sure, the idea of finally having a partner would be nice, but…
It’d be even more crazy if Starflight actually did have a crush on him, especially after all these years.
“Oh, come on!” Tsunami said, groaning. “It would explain him staring off into space. He was probably thinking about his dear friend, what with how close you two are.” She chuckled a little bit, almost to where Clay couldn’t tell if she was teasing him or not. “It might also explain why he acted so hesitant around you. His mind was probably filled with all sorts of-“
“Agh! No!” Sunny cried out, covering her ears. “No more! I already know where you’re headed with that!” Tsunami laughed, but Clay just sat there, confused with what the two were even going on about.
The MudWing shook his head and let out a grunt. “Guys! This is serious!” he cried out. “What if Starflight is really struggling with something that he hasn’t told anyone about it?” He paused, choosing his next words carefully. “And if he’s actually crushing on me and is flustered about it, then… What am I supposed to do? I’m not crushing on him back! At least… I’m mostly sure I’m not.”
“‘Mostly sure’ is another way of just saying unsure,” Tsunami said matter-of-factly.
Clay narrowed his eyes. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Whatever.” Tsunami got up from her spot and walked up to Clay, looking into his eyes. “Look, no matter what it is, you’ve gotta at least talk to him. I mean this genuinely. You and him are really close. You’re closer to him than I was, and I think you probably know more about him than Sunny does.”
“I’m not sure if I should take offense to that,” Sunny said, shrinking in her spot. “I mean, he did once confess that he loved me, and he usually talks with me about his problems.” She paused. “Actually, now that I think about it, it might make more sense that Clay’s closer.”
“Well, yeah, rejecting someone’s confession of love is a pretty quick way to ruin a relationship forever,” Tsunami bluntly stated.
“Our relationship wasn’t ruined! We’re totally fine. We’re cooler than the most frigid parts of the Ice Kingdom.”
“We’re getting ahead of ourselves again,” Clay said, trying to stop Tsunami and Sunny’s banter. It definitely didn’t compare to how Glory and Tsunami acted around each other, but it still was enough to really throw things off at times. “I just… What do I need to do now? At this very moment. That’s ultimately what I need to know so I can figure out what’s wrong. If my best friend is struggling, then I wanna know. And if he’s really crushing on me, then I wanna… figure that out with him.” Clay couldn’t help but blush just slightly. Is… that a sign that I’m crushing on him? Blushing?
Tsunami chuckled. “Spoken like a dragon in love with another dragon,” Clay growled, and Tsunami backtracked immediately with, “Alright, my bad. Go and talk to him. That’s what you should do. Lead with the crush talk, it’ll move things along faster.”
“And don’t forget, we’re all his friend,” Sunny chimed in. “Remind him that we’ll all be there for whatever he’s going through.” She paused, and then while walking back to a nearby scroll cabinet, said, “I still don’t think it’s a crush, but it never hurts to know.”
“Actually, it does hurt,” Tsunami corrected. “Like how you hurt him when you rejected him.”
“Stop bringing that up! That’s years in the past now,” Sunny said. “We’re totally past that.”
“Okay, I think this is a sign to take my leave and go and finally talk to him,” Clay said, turning around and leaving. Just before he was about to head out for good, he peeked his haid back in and added, “And, uhh… Thanks, guys. For listening. Starflight is a dragon I care a lot about, so… I just wanted some help with this.”
“You sure you’re not crushing on him?” Tsunami asked, raising a brow and then snickering to herself. Clay rolled his eyes and was about to go, but Tsunami said, “Seriously, though. It’s no problem, dude. We all care about him as much as you do.”
Clay smiled warmly at her and Sunny, and then finally took his leave, heading for Starflight’s quarters. He didn’t know what to expect, but it surely couldn’t be anything too bad.
But as he made his way over, he kept thinking about the possibility that Starflight might actually be crushing on him. For starters, that’d actually be a little crazy, partly because Clay couldn’t believe it, but also because he never would’ve expected a dragon like Starflight to fall for Clay.
It also raised some interesting implications on how Starflight viewed him. Did he think he was attractive? Were his big muscles and huge form attractive to the NightWing? Was Starflight even attracted to guys?
That also brings up another point. Was Clay himself even attracted to guys? If he had to argue with himself on it, then there was a good chance he truly was. But then, there was Peril. She was still likely infatuated with him, but it’s been so long that the chances of them actually getting together are slim to none at this point.
Maybe he was attracted to both guys and girls, which would probably make the most sense. His sexuality was something he hadn’t thought about much; he’d always assumed he was just straight like most other dragons.
Either way… It begs the question…
Was Clay genuinely crushing on Starflight, and he just didn’t know it? Or was it something different from that?
Or maybe he was reading too far into this. Starflight might not be crushing on him, and he was just pondering hard about something that wasn’t even possible. But… he wasn’t sure. A seed of doubt had been planted into his mind, and whatever that seed grows into…
Well, he’d probably want to eat it.
But he also wanted to know what exactly it would grow into.
At this point, Clay had already made his way to Starflight’s quarters, in what seemed like an instant. This had probably been the hardest he’d ever thought in forever. And it was over whether or not Starflight and him could possibly be a thing.
He was actually eager to know how Starflight would respond to this. And if it turned out that that’s not what it’s about, then that’d be alright. No harm in knowing for sure, no matter what Tsunami says.
He peeked inside, spotting Starflight under the thin sheets of his bed. A faint glow from the overhead light filled the room. There were only a few engraved scrolls plastered out on the desk, with the chair half-out from its spot. The NightWing lay there, unbothered and at peace with the nighttime ambiance of the academy.
As soon as Clay took a small step in, Starflight reared his head around. “Nnn…” he muttered. “I sense a presence.” He paused, sniffing. “Clay? Is that you?”
“Y-Yeah,” Clay said sheepishly. “I just wanted to checkup on you. Make sure you were doing alright.”
“I told you, I’m fine.” He turned his head back around. “Can you please just leave me alone for the night?”
Clay just simply let out a sigh. “You know I can’t do that.” The MudWing stepped further into the room. “I can tell there’s something really bothering you. And you’re my friend, so I wanna help however I can.”
Starflight sat up from his bed, seeming somewhat visibly irritated. He was trying to hide it, even Clay could tell. “I appreciate that, Clay, but there’s nothing you can do to help me. It’s just… something really personal.”
Those words… “Really personal,” Clay thought. It can’t be more obvious. Starflight was crushing on Clay. Maybe Sunny would’ve been a better dragon to come and talk to him, but it was a little too late for that.
And as Clay looked at Starflight, the NightWing still up from his bed, something clicked. A desire for his friend to just know how the MudWing felt about him and his friend’s feelings. A desire to explore these complex feelings with him. Clay certainly didn’t know what to feel, but knowing how Starflight felt… it would clear things up immensely.
“Starflight,” Clay started, stepping forward and up to his friend. “I’m just going to be direct with you here.” When the NightWing didn’t respond in any way, Clay finally blurted out, “Do you happen to have a crush on me?”
Starflight recoiled in his bed. “What!? I- WHAT!?” he yelled out. “W-What makes you think that I… I mean… Why do you think I have a crush on you!? I… I’m not…” Starflight was blushing, and the sight of it made Clay feel something he’d never felt before. Something… warm and fuzzy, like a tasty lamb.
“It’s okay if you do! Really!” Clay exclaimed, trying to reassure him. “I’m not upset or weirded out or anything like that. It’s just… you seem really reluctant to talk about whatever is bothering you and I’m thinking it might be, so…”
“Clay, you’ve got it all wrong, what I’m dealing with isn’t something as simple as a crush.”
“Starflight, you don’t have to hide it from me.” Clay very softly brought a wing closer to him, trying to be sure the sudden contact didn’t startle Starflight. “I can see how anxious you are around me, and I know that it’s hard. But, I’m willing to figure it out with you. We can-”
“Enough!” Starflight very suddenly yelled out, leaping up from his bed and pushing Clay’s wing away. “I don’t have a crush on you! Stop being so insistent, you thick-headed mud-slobberer!” Almost as soon as he finished his bold statement, he covered his mouth with his talons, shocked at what he said.
Clay backed up a little bit. His heart felt like it was being tugged at, the ropes keeping it together getting tighter with every passing second. Closer and closer to snapping. A rejection was surely a likely outcome, but for Starflight to yell out like that? That was… unheard of. I’ve really screwed up, Clay thought.
“Clay, wait…” Starflight muttered, reaching a talon out. “I’m sorry. I-I’m so sorry. I totally didn’t mean to yell out like that.”
“It’s fine,” Clay said, trying to keep a smile on his face, only to fail miserably. He felt a tear prick up at the corner of his eye. “You’ve made yourself heard, and told me what needed to be told… I think I should go now.”
As Clay was turning around, Starflight cried out, “Clay! Please, wait!” Clay turned around, and there was an expression on Starflight’s face that he hadn’t seen in years. Desperation. “I think…” Starflight sunk down onto the ground, sitting right next to his bed. “I think there’s some things I need to explain.”
Clay looked at Starflight for a long while. Whatever was eating away at the dragon certainly had affected his behavior, and not in a good way. If it wasn’t a crush, then Clay needed to put aside his own emotions and be there for his friend. That’s what a MudWing would do, after all.
So, he sat down in front of Starflight, looking longingly at his friend, who had a tried expression plastered all over his face. “What’s going on, man?” Clay casually asked. “If it’s not a crush on me, then what is it that’s bothering you so much? It’s really concerning…”
Starflight let out a long sigh, and looked to his side, at nothing in particular. “I miss it,” he simply said.
“Miss what?”
“Everything. Before Jade Mountain. Before the academy.”
“Woah! What?” Clay was genuinely baffled. Something was seriously wrong with Starflight if he seriously missed their situation before. “What are you talking about? We’ve got everything we’ve ever wanted here. Why would you wanna go back to living under the mountains of the Sky Kingdom? Or in fear of every dragon wanting our heads.”
Starflight chuckled, looking back at Clay. “I don’t mean that stuff. Sure, it’s wild to think that that’s really how we used to live, and in a sense, it’s a little… nostalgic to think about. But… no, I don’t miss that stuff.”
“Then what do you miss?”
Starflight paused. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He then simply brought his talons to the blindfold around his eyes, and took it off, exposing his damaged and blank eyes. Burn scars were all over his face, a reminder of his unfortunate incident.
It clicked for Clay. “You miss your eyesight,” he concluded. Starflight slowly nodded, and then he put the blindfold back on. “I…” Clay paused, trying to think as hard as he possibly could. “I wish there was more I could do to help.”
Starflight sighed. “It’s fine. I just wish it was easy for me to get help.” He chuckled half-heartedly to himself. “You know, Turtle was working on a spell to help cure it. But… that fell into the damn water.”
“Is that… Is that something you’d really want?”
“Yes. I’d take it in a heartbeat.” Starflight looked at Clay. It felt like his eyes were burning into him, even through his blindfold. “If you were in my position and felt how I do, you’d take it too.”
“Starflight…” Clay looked away, down at the ground. He felt sorry for his friend, and he just wanted to do more. He could give him a hug, but he might not appreciate that. “How long have you been dealing with this?”
“Too long,” he simply stated, his voice monotone. “I keep telling myself that it’ll get better, but it never does. I want this pain that I’m in to go away, but it just won’t. I hate this. So much…”
“Maybe right now, it doesn’t feel like things will get better, but everytime they surely will,” Clay reassured. “I know that it doesn’t change how I or anyone else looks at you.”
“You don’t get it… That’s not the point,” Starflight replied, raising his voice a little. “I don’t want things to get better. I want it to be better.”
“It will be! With time! You know my own injury, right? It was hard for me, but I’ve-”
“That doesn’t compare to what I’m feeling!” Starflight blurted out, slamming a talon to his chest. “This goes deeper for me. This is my whole entire livelihood. Something that affects how I live my life and how I comprehend the world around me!”
Reassurance definitely wasn’t working. In fact, it might be doing more harm than good. “Starflight, please!” Clay cried out. “What’s gotten into you. I know it hurts, but you’re never like this!”
“I’m- Can I not have a moment where I vent out my frustration? I’m allowed to be upset, Clay!” He paused, breathing heavily. “I’m trying so hard not to have a breakdown right now. You just don’t get it.”
“Don’t get what!? Just tell me! I don’t understand!”
Starflight bared his teeth, and then let out a scowl. He tore off his blindfold and got right up in Clay’s face, staring at him. “Look at me, Clay,” Starflight said, his voice cracking. “Look into my cold and dead eyes. What you don’t get… You don't know what it’s like to not be able to see. To have your vision stripped away from you at the hands of this world. I’ve had to rely on my other senses for forever, and you know… That gets exhausting.” Tears began to form at the corner of his eyes. “It’s exhausting having to listen to footsteps and use that to determine who it is that’s coming up to me. It’s exhausting having to smell my way to the Prey Center just to get a meal to eat. It’s exhausting playing all these mental games to understand my next move. It’s exhausting not having the ability to just use my eyes and easily know what to do in all of those situations.”
Clay was utterly dumbfounded, but Starflight wasn’t finished yet. “And that’s just from a practical standpoint. What really sucks? Not being able to see the inside of the academy. Not being able to see the library that you all swore was gorgeously decorated. I’d just love to see it, even once! But I can’t. I can’t see how my quarters looks. I can’t ever read another scroll again with my eyes, and I love doing that! You all know how much I love reading.” By this point, he was starting to sob. “But worst of all? I-I can’t ever see any of my friends' faces. I… I can’t see the cheerful smiles of the students a-as they come into the library, eager to read a new scroll that I… so… graciously handed them. I can’t ever see the night sky again! I can’t ever be normal again, thanks to this stupid blindness. And… I-I can’t even see you. I don’t even know how you’re looking at me right now. Disgust? Sadness? Pity? Anger? I just don’t know. I miss it all so much, Clay.” He paused, taking in a big breath. “I really do. You… You have no idea…”
And that was the end of it. As Starflight completely finished his long ramble, he crumbled before Clay, falling down onto the ground and totally sobbing his eyes out. Clay was in so much shock over what he’d just witnessed that he didn’t even think to react. All he did was slowly walk over next to Starflight and lie down next to him, placing a wing over him. Starflight didn’t hesitate to lean into the touch, bringing his head closer to Clay, sobbing into him. “I’m sorry…” Starflight muttered through sobs. “I shouldn’t have dumped all of this on you. This totally isn’t what I wanted to…” He sobbed, before finally finishing with, “…happen.”
He’s been dealing with this for so long, and we all had no idea, Clay thought, looking down at the NightWing. He’s totally broken over this, and we had no idea.
I had no idea.
Clay reached down to one of Starflight’s free talons and squeezed it tight, subtly letting him know he wasn’t going anywhere.
I should’ve known.
Starflight’s sobbing continued, minute after minute passing of the two just being close to each other. Eventually the sobbing had starting to slow down, until it stopped entirely. Clay could feel the NightWing breathing slowly against him. He’s asleep. He just totally cried himself to sleep.
Clay felt a tear gather at his eye as he looked at his broken, sorrowful, and sleeping friend. And I’m close to doing the same.
It didn’t take long for sleep to begin to overtake him, the unusual comfort of his best friend washing over him. For some odd reason, it felt easier to sleep with a dragon this close to him, especially… a dragon like Starflight
Damn, I think I might… be the one crushing… on him, was Clay’s last thought before he fell into a comfortable slumber. One that he hadn’t felt in… forever.
Anytime Startflight wakes up, it’s always hard for him. Rather than being able to see that’s he awake and scout the environment before beginning the day, he has to first feel and hear that he’s awake. Usually the bustling of students is enough to wake him up, but sometimes he has to put in more effort, and often, he’ll oversleep.
When he woke up, though, he could immediately tell. Not because of hearing anything or feeling the warmth of his bed. He could feel weight on him, it was very light, but enough that he could feel it. He then let the air flow through his nose, and as he smelled mud and… a slightly savory musky smell.
Right. He fell asleep with Clay next to him, and on the cold hard floor of his quarters. And apparently the MudWing hadn’t left his side. Starflight was blank on what happened, but he knew he went on too long of a tangent on dumping his problems with his sight and probably made Clay uncomfortable in the process.
He wanted to get up and move around a little bit. Maybe get up off the cold floor and get in his actual bed, but… Clay’s body made Starflight feel comfortable, in a sense. He also didn’t wanna wake his friend up, so he opted to just stay there, if only for a little bit more.
He thought about what Clay had initially asked him; whether or not he’d had a crush on him. That wasn’t anything Starflight had ever even attempted to think about, and he certainly never would’ve expected it from Clay. He likely didn’t think of it on his own, and got advice from Tsunami and Sunny. He didn’t know how he knew that, but something about how Clay stood and spoke somewhat irratically told him he’d already had a predisposition on what to say.
As for Starflight, his own emotions were tangled like the vines of a lush cave. He didn’t know what to feel. Clay was his best friend, a guy he could depend on to help him. It was half the reason he’d even dumped his problems on him. If it was Sunny, Starflight probably would’ve been more vague, but she would figure it out faster than Clay did. And he didn’t want to talk with Tsunami or Glory or really any other dragon about it.
Clay was just trustworthy. He was a good charismatic friend with a kind attitude that was always willing to help his friends. And if trustworthiness was a sign of a crush, then Starflight was already in a million pieces for him.
Maybe trying to explore their relationship wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Starflight didn’t even know if he liked guys. Plus, Clay himself said he would be willing to figure it out with him.
Only one issue. It couldn’t do any harm now, but in the long run, it could potentially ruin their friendship if they ended up splitting, and that was scary. For Starflight, losing his eyesight was bad.
Losing a lifelong friend… Well, that’s just incomparable. It would hurt so much more.
So much more, Starflight thought. I can’t let it happen.
The NightWing felt the dragon next to him stir, and he felt his body move slightly. “Starflight?” Clay’s voice asked out, still deep and tired sounding. “You up?”
“Y-Yeah, I’m up,” he squeaked out. “How… How long have we been asleep for? What time is it?”
There was a breif pause plus some shuffling, and then Clay responded with, “The sun hasn’t even risen yet. I’d guess not for very long.”
“Okay, good. I didn’t oversleep at least.” Starflight placed his head down on the cold floor, and then immediately retracted from it. He wanted to get into the comfort of his bed, but… he also wanted to stay close to Clay.
…He should probably apologize about earlier.
“Clay, I’m sorry,” Starflight said, pulling himself away from under the MudWing’s wing. “I just-“
“You’ve been dealing with a lot,” Clay finished for him. “I wish I’d realized it sooner. Why… Why did you never tell anyone?” His voice got slightly louder. He turned his head towards him.
“I thought I could just deal with it on my own,” Starflight admitted. “I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal and I should just suck it up and stop being a wimp… That obviously didn’t work out.”
“You’re not a wimp! Dealing with something like that in private isn’t healthy for you.” Clay paused. “I’ve been doing some research on the mental health of dragons, and… emotional baggage like that isn’t a good way to cope.”
“You think I don’t-“ Starflight stopped any remaining rage from bubbling up and calmed himself down. “I’m sorry. That’s my bad.”
“It’s okay. I get it. It’s frustrating. You haven’t upset me. You… don’t need to apologize for pouring out your emotions to me. I’m glad you’re even comfortable enough to yell at me like that.” He chuckled. “Seriously, I thought you were Tsunami there for a second.”
Starflight just barely let out a smile, and then sighed. “I wouldn’t hear the end of it from Glory, I know it.” He chuckled as well, and then said, “Thanks, Clay. It’s been hard on me… and… I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to keep dealing with this for forever, truthfully.”
“Well, instead of dealing with it, you can live around it. You already have been doing that physically and functionally, but now you need to do that mentally.” Clay gave his a small tap, and then placed his hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know how your heightened senses work. but I’m sure that they’ll have something to do with the mental aspect of it.”
“It’s just- My brain constantly feels like it’s either flying at the speed of a paranoid SkyWing, or lazily flopping around like a RainWing. Never between or both. One or the other. I still don’t know how to get around that.”
“You have to go one day at a time, as best as you can,” Clay replied. He took Starflight’s talon with his other free talon, and he placed what he knew to be his blindfold in it. He hadn’t even realized he never put it back on. “Also, I’m not telling Glory about the RainWing comment.”
“You know what I meant.” Starflight felt himself blush, both from embarrassment, and the fact that Clay still hadn’t removed his talon from Starflight’s.
…There’s another thing Starflight should probably mention.
“I uhh… also still haven’t exactly forgotten what you initially asked me,” the NightWing said, shying away from Clay’s direction.
“Ah, right… Sorry. I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable with that,” Clay replied. “I’m just glad you were honest and told me that you don’t have a crush on me. That’s what’s important.”
“Actually, I… don’t know if that’s exactly… true, anymore?” Starflight said it like he was unsure of himself, which… he was. But it was an uncertainty that pained him in his heart. One that his rambling wouldn’t be able to figure out.
“W-What…? So, wait… You do have a crush on me?”
“Well-! I just… don’t know what to think.” Starflight paused, facing the sound of Clay’s voice again. “I don’t think I don’t have a crush on you… but it’s like… I enjoy being around and I feel at ease when I’m with you… And especially now that I’ve told you what I’ve been dealing with, I feel like you’re someone I can share my emotional burdens with.”
Clay let out a small chuckle. He seemed to do that a lot. “I’m glad you feel that way. I want you to be comfortable around me.”
Starflight let a smile fall on his face. “I so badly wish I could see your face. All I have is my mind’s eye of what you look like.”
“That’s a little romantic sounding,” Clay pointed out. “You’re pretty sly, Starflight.”
“Not as sly as you are charming.” Starflight laughed, feeling a blush appear on his face. He searched around for Clay’s talon with his own, and when he found it, he grabbed it and intertwined their claws.
“I’m so tired… I wanna fall back asleep… Or, at least sleep in a little bit.” Starflight reluctantly moved past Clay and leaped into his bed, beginning to pull the covers down. “Do you… wanna stay here with me? Maybe… cuddle a little bit?”
“Of course,” Clay answered. After a second, Starflight felt Clay’s warm presence get closer to him, and the MudWing wrapped a wing around him and grabbed his free talon. Starflight felt his heart racing. This was the closest he’d ever been with another dragon… And his blindness added another level of intimacy. That touch, and presence of Clay meant so much more to him. It was like he was able to see him without his sight.
Was Clay also feeling this way? Was he also internally screaming, rather than the literal screaming that Starflight was doing only a few hours ago? It was so weird and unusual for him, so surely the MudWing would also be feeling the same things.
“Starflight…” Clay said, sighing. “Let me ask you again… Do you… wanna figure this out together? We may not know how we feel about each other, but doing this stuff… it makes it easier to understand.”
Starflight smiled, looking over at Clay’s close direction. For the first time in forever, he’d felt truly happy. He still would always struggle a little bit with not having his vision, and there would be moments where it’d be especially hard on him. But… he finally felt like he was able to accept every part of himself.
As he basked in Clay’s warm embrace, he now knew he didn’t have to deal with it alone anymore, and that’s something that should be cherished and appreciated.
“I’d love to.”