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When Hanbin was a kid, he marveled at the existence of soulmates. He talked to everyone about it, wondered more about the when than the how or why . His mother had told him that not everyone had a soulmate. He might not be destined for someone either, he shouldn’t get his hopes up.
It happened anyway.
Most days, Hanbin could forget about it. Most nights, however, Hanbin snuck his tablet and then his phone upstairs and watched the television shows about soulmates his parents forbade him from watching.
“He’ll get disappointed,” he’d heard them say once, their voices muffled by the wall from the stairs he was standing on, eavesdropping before going to bed.
It was always the same. Hanbin understood they didn’t want to let him down but he just couldn’t stop thinking about it. All over school, people talked of the marks they could potentially get, and all other ways to identify their soulmates. Only at home, soulmates were an unspoken subject.
Like his mother had told him, not everyone had a soulmate or a mark. Not everyone wanted one. It made sense they wouldn’t get one, but Hanbin wanted one. Desperately.
When he was all alone in his room, typically before falling asleep much later than he was supposed to, he imagined his soulmate. What would she look like? Did she like the same candy and games as he did? Despite his fear of disappointment, Hanbin kept coming up with new questions and answers, creating the perfect girl for him to love.
When Hanbin grew older, things changed. He started paying attention to different things, was no longer interested in cars but preferred to spend his days in the dance studio he could go to once a week. He befriended new people, lost some of his old friends. Life happened.
Quickly, his fantasy changed as well. There was no longer a rosy-cheeked girl holding his hand. When he thought about his soulmate, a slightly taller boy smiled at him now. A faceless one, still, but a person nonetheless.
Over the years, the boy grew a face and got a name: Kim Taerae.
Hanbin knew he was setting himself up for failure. The Taerae he had grown close to during practice at the agency that took him in, would in no world be his soulmate. That didn’t stop him from falling for the boy. It just made the acknowledgement hurt more.
More often than as a kid, Hanbin started to understand why his mother had wanted to keep him away from all the soulmate talk. He was genuinely getting his hopes up.
But with Taerae so close to him, sharing earbuds while they laid next to each other on Hanbin’s bed, huddled together, staring at the ceiling, it was hard to believe he could ever not feel like this. So delighted to spend his time with Taerae. Brimming with love.
Taerae had effortlessly moved from being a stranger to the only trainee at the company who was his age to his best friend.
They shared everything. Every new experience, every odd feeling, every memory they could both think of. Taeare trusted Hanbin and Taerae trusted him the same in return.
It only came as a natural urge to tell Taerae first-hand about the emergence of a small tattoo of a flower on his lower back. He was also the only one he felt he couldn’t tell because, just an hour before, Taerae bent forward and Hanbin saw the exact same tattoo of a poppy.
It’d turned Hanbin’s entire world upside down. His dream had come true: Taerae was his soulmate.
That was simultaneously why he couldn’t tell him.
Hanbin had gone over it countless times. Taerae didn’t harbor the same feelings for him. If he told him they shared a soulmate mark, Taerae would feel pressured into dating him and Hanbin couldn’t do that to him.
Every moment after that, Hanbin avoided the topic of soulmates. Whenever someone mentioned the word or Hanbin felt the conversation would take a romance or destiny turn, Hanbin diverted the conversation elsewhere. Anywhere that didn’t mean he had to face his unrequited feelings.
Boys Planet, in this respect, was a wonderful distraction. Because Taerae, as every other soulmate-having person, had gotten undeniably more excited than Hanbin about having a mark and Hanbin didn’t want to deal with him talking about it as well—although Taerae as a person was much more reserved and thoughtful than some of his other, much more reckless friends were.
(Hanbin had gotten his hopes up about this, too, because it took Taerae a week before he took notice of his own tattoo after getting it. The place was far too inconvenient and the tattoo was so small, it was hard to spot. If Hanbin hadn’t been obsessed with the concept of soulmates, he probably would have missed it as well.)
With the chaos and plenty of other boys around at the show, Hanbin was assured the conversation wouldn’t always come back to Taerae wondering who his soulmate was in front of Hanbin, who wanted to disappear like ice cream on a hot summer’s day.
So, Boys Planet helped in a way, but Taerae was still here. Which was good. Hanbin wouldn’t have wanted to experience all this without him there. But it got difficult sometimes.
Especially because there were more people of their age here, which meant there were more people the both of them could and would hang out with. Not to mention the different teams they were on as well.
Truthfully, Taerae spent a lot of time with his fellow Back Door trainees. Hanbin liked the Hot Sauce team as much as he had liked the younger WakeOne trainees in the beginning, but they were truly so much younger, he couldn’t help the way he felt like a misfit sometimes.
Hanbin missed Taerae, missed having him by his side all the time. After being together, just the two of them, for so long, it was hard getting used to something else.
He was beginning to feel alone. His teammates were hanging out in someone else’s room and he hadn’t wanted to go somewhere else, so he was sitting alone in his room, lying on his bed in exasperation, boring himself to death.
Knowing himself, he had to find a distraction. And soon, because when he was both bored and alone, usually, the doubts started to kick in.
It was right then that he felt something lightly burning on his arm. When it stopped, it only tingled. Three words were written on his arm in a light blue color. ‘Can you help?’
Hanbin stared at the words. Part of him was glad he’d found a distraction in this and part of him was terrified at what this could mean.
He had no idea what to do. What he could do. Could he write back somehow?
While he rummaged through his bag to find a pen, he felt the burning and then the tingling on his arm come back. There was a dark blue pen somewhere in his bag, one he didn’t remember putting in but it was whatever. This could be his soulmate.
Stop.
He had another soulmate?
The burning returned, doing a good job at distracting Hanbin from thinking too much.
He looked down.
‘I’m feeling nervous. I don’t know how to stop worrying about tomorrow.’
Hanbin recognized the feeling. Tomorrow were the evaluations for the entire group. If he wasn’t as well-prepared as he was, he would be nervous as well.
He immediately wrote back.
‘Do you have a friend that knows? Someone you can talk to?’ And then, in case he sounded too dodgy: ‘Otherwise I’ll be here. Just breathe in and distract yourself a little, put on some music you like. That always helps me.’
Hanbin sighed as he let himself lie back on his bed, arms open wide. This really was his soulmate, wasn’t it? Had he been wrong about Taerae being his soulmate? Did he have two?
A minute later, Hanbin felt his soulmate (?) answer.
‘They’re all out together, I’m alone in my room. Thank you, though! I’ll try something.’
Before Hanbin could respond, there came a new message. ‘Goodnight!’
Hanbin smiled despite the initial confusion. He sighed, “goodnight,” to himself and decided this was a great way to end the night for him as well.
The next time they talked, Hanbin was the one to initiate it.
‘Did you sleep well?’ He asked a couple of days after their first and last conversation. He was practicing a ton lately, honestly, the days were starting to blur together.
Taerae had actually walked into his room while he was talking to his (other?) soulmate, and had patiently waited for him to be done. He hadn’t even pried, which Hanbin totally would have done.
“So…” Taerae trailed off when they were on their way to breakfast right after. “Was that your soulmate?” Hanbin couldn’t pinpoint what exactly he heard in his voice, which was odd because if someone knew everything about Taerae, it was him.
Hanbin frowned unintentionally. “Yeah, it was. We’ve been talking.” He kept it vague on purpose. He selfishly wished he could catch some jealousy in Taerae’s demeanor, but he couldn't. He just stayed quiet, like usual.
They walked to the only empty table in the overly crowded room.. “Do you know who it is?” Hanbin had to lean in closer to be able to hear him over the noise around them. There was still an acceptable distance between them, but Hanbin felt the tips of his ears burning. ,
“No, not really.” I only know it’s not you , because Taerae hadn’t been writing back to him this morning. Confirmation he either had two soulmates, or Taerae wasn’t his soulmate at all and he’d tricked himself into thinking things that weren’t real, which might be worse. “What about you?” He dared, but not without holding his breath while waiting for the answer.
Taerae looked taken aback by the question for some reason. Maybe because Hanbin had made sure not to talk about soulmates the past two years. Surprise was a fair response. “I have no idea. I haven’t had any contact with them yet.”
Them.
The pronoun lingered in his head. It could mean so many things. Did Taerae have two soulmates as well? Did he not know his soulmate’s gender? Did that mean Taerae—
“Hanbin-hyung!” Junhyeon’s loud but strangely pleasant voice interrupted him. His smile made it worth it, though. He sat down opposite Hanbin and Taerae, with the biggest grin on his face. “How are we doing on this fine morning?”
Hanbin instantly recognized the high-pitch in his voice as something out of the ordinary. Nerves. He smiled back at Junhyeon with more sympathy than genuinity.
“I’m doing alright,” he lied. Taerae’s words were still haunting him. With Taerae sitting next to him, staring at him while he talked as if they were back at the dorm, back to being Bin and Rae instead of contestant number I don’t care enough to remember , it was hard to focus on anything but Taerae.
He managed to do it anyway, when Junhyeon threw a spoon at him. “Stop staring at ‘Rae-hyung and answer me.” Lucky for Junhyeon, Hanbin liked the guy so he wouldn’t do anything drastic to him. “How prepared are you guys for the evaluations today?”
That was something he had an answer to.
That night, with his teammates back in his room, his soulmate wrote him something again. It was short and simple but effective. Thoughtful, Hanbin hoped.
‘A Song Nobody knows - Colde’
Hanbin quickly grabbed his phone and played it. He didn’t care if his teammates saw him rushing to get his earphones or saw him smiling like a teenage girl in love. He’s just happy his soulmate thought of him, that they wanted to share a song that’s without a doubt special to them. He’s happy.
The next morning, he heard Taerae hum the song.
He turned around without thinking, pointing an accusing finger at him. “Where’d you hear this song?”
Taerae laughed at him. His perfectly lined up teeth showed as much as his deep dimple and his eyes were starting to shine, Hanbin almost forgot what he was asking him. “Junhyeon played it all night. Now it’s stuck in my head.”
Junhyeon .
Hanbin nearly cussed at Taerae at the intel but decided upon feigning nonchalance instead. “Was just wondering. It sounds like a good song.”
Taerae being the helpful, thoughtful angel that he was, offered to send him the song right away. Hanbin, curious whether his thoughts were right, naturally said yes.
His thoughts got confirmed and after that, Hanbin couldn’t stop thinking about it. This meant his soulmate could be here with him. Like Taerae, who was arguably both his soulmate and a contestant here.
Moreover, this could mean Junhyeon was his soulmate, and that, yeah, that was definitely something he had to process.
He liked Junhyeon, he honestly did, but romantically? He hadn’t ever thought about that, too preoccupied with Taerae’s fingers on his thigh, Hanbin’s name on Taerae’s tongue. He’d have to take some time to get used to this idea.
Hanbin liked to think of himself as a proper, righteous and fair man. He wanted to give Junhyeon a chance. He was going to give the younger boy a chance. For fate, destiny. For the child in him that desired to have a soulmate for so, so long. He would try.
Luckily, liking Junhyeon required little to no effort. It was easy to get lost in his endless energy, in the sweet words he gifted Hanbin when he messed up one of his dance steps. Hanbin just had to let himself feel, then it would be okay.
It wasn’t even as hard to place his feelings for Junhyeon in the same category as his feelings for Taerae, while still not choosing one over the other. It was rather easy. It came naturally, like the smiles that formed and the bellyache that he got when Junhyeon joked around with him, when he put his arm around him in such a way Hanbin felt like he mattered.
Junhyeon always told him that. That he mattered. That what he thought and what he said was deserving of a place and while Hanbin knew that, already believed that himself prior to meeting Juhyeon, it felt awfully nice to hear it coming from someone else, like a confirmation.
Being around Junhyeon made him as giddy as being around Taerae had made him when they first met. All butterflies and bundled up nerves, the fear of messing up causing him to mess up but Junhyeon never laughed at him, only laughed with him. He was exactly the person he needed around him. In hindsight, he wondered how he could have ever overlooked Junhyeon.
Everything was going well, so well that Hanbin decided to send Junhyeon a song of his own back, one true to him .
‘I’m Gonna Love You - D.O.’
His own message got him giggling and covering his red-tinted cheeks. Taerae would have laughed at him if he was here. Junhyeon was doing things to him he swore he wouldn’t experience anymore, but it happened. He couldn’t be content with it.
The next morning, Hanbin heard Taerae humming the song. He ran up to him, smiling like a kid with a lollipop right before someone stole it. “Junhyeon again?”
“Hm?” Taerae got out the one earbud he had in his ear. “Yeah. It’s been stuck in my head all day because of him. They say you should listen to a song that won’t leave your head so I figured I could try it.” Then, a beat later, “want to listen together?”
Hanbin caved. Initially, he’d wanted to create some space between them just to protect his heart. If he was going to talk to Junhyeon, shouldn’t he let go of his silly crush on Taerae?
Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Falling back into old patterns like sharing earbuds and sitting so close, their shoulders touching, was a pattern Hanbin gladly picked up.
They walked around like this for a while. Simply listening to music, to most of the songs Taerae knew Hanbin liked (he was pretty sure he saw Taerae click on the playlist named after him) and some extremely sappy songs Taerae knew Hanbin didn’t like but pretended to like for Taerae’s sake.
In the familiarity of the songs, of the action of standing close to Taerae in a moment where nothing else existed for a moment, Hanbin allowed himself to drift away to the past, to partly happier times. Trainee life beat his ass more often than not but there was a great anonymity to it, something large he couldn’t have here, while also being something so small and confined he could practically pick it up and tuck it inside his heart.
Moments with Taerae, laughing with the younger trainees at the company, sneaking in snacks. They were all small moments but part of something bigger. A dream they all shared.
Hanbin’s endless dreaming got put to a halt as Junhyeon came walking around the corner and bumped into them. The earbuds crashed on the ground.
Apologizing, Junhyeon grabbed them from the ground. They were at the beginning of the playlist already, Hanbin heard, as I’m Gonna Love You’ had started to play again. “What were you listening to?” Junhyeon asked with that youthful smile of his, in the way no one could ever say no to him.
He heard the song himself before either of them could answer. The change in expression almost made Hanbin laugh.
Junhyeon handed the earbuds over to Taerae, quickly bid them goodbye and ran away, disappearing behind the nearest wall. Hanbin laughed it off to Taerae but he reckoned Taerae wouldn’t be convinced by the fabricated, nervous chuckle. He let him off the hook soon after, both going their own ways.
When Hanbin was back in the comfort of his room, he grabbed the dark blue pen and started writing. No one else was there to witness the urgency in his actions. He knew he wasn’t the only person to listen to this song, obviously not, but the way Junhyeon had looked at him… He was sure Junhyeon realized it was him.
‘I’m sorry.’
The answer came later than expected, like Junhyeon had been contemplating what to write back.
‘For?’
‘Not telling you I knew it was you. Who you are.’
Hanbin’s breath hitched. What if he was wrong after all?
The burning returned and Hanbin immediately jumped up, watching the way the red of his irritated skin turned into light blue letters once again.
‘It’s okay, hyungnim. I’m not sure I would’ve said anything, either’
It was definitely Junhyeon. He always called him that. Hyungnim. It sounded a little stupid, but because it was Junhyeon, it sounded stupidly endearing.
‘Wanna talk?’
This time, the answer came quickly. ‘Like this… or?’
‘I’m alone here, if that’s what you want?’
‘I’ll come to yours, then’
Hanbin hated how his heart sped up.
Junhyeon came knocking on his door faster than expected. Before a minute after the last message passed, he stood there, arms open wide in a request for a hug. Hanbin happily fulfilled his request.
They parted shortly after but stayed finger-length close to each other the entire night long. They exchanged stories, held each other, did all the things Hanbin wished he’d done sooner.
After that night, Hanbin kept finding ways to send encouragement to Junhyeon. The blue marker stayed next to his water bottle at all times, just in case. He needed it as much as he needed to drink.
They talked frequently, face-to-face and when they couldn’t, through their soulmate marks. Hanbin learned a lot about Junhyeon. How he had experience with basically every sport in existence but was afraid to jump into shallow water, how he liked to make the silliest puns whenever he got the chance, how he seemed goofy and he was but that he could be even more serious than Hanbin could be, at times when it was needed or when he was feeling down.
Hanbin learned, above all, how well he got along with Junhyeon and how well Junhyeon fit in his life. He didn’t want to unlearn it at all.
Doubts lingered nevertheless. His feelings for Junhyeon had grown impossibly fast and large in a short time, but his feelings for Taerae hadn’t subsided yet. He hadn’t told Junhyeon about the Taerae of it all, either.
While Junhyeon and he weren’t an item or anything yet, he still felt obliged to tell him about Taerae at some point. Not now—because that’d be too much vulnerability, it was something he hadn’t ever told anyone—but soon. This thing he got with Junhyeon wasn’t going anywhere, he believed. Junhyeon deserved to know before long.
Finding the right moment to come clean was more difficult than Hanbin had anticipated. When either of them had time to spent together instead of sweating it up in the practice rooms, Taerae was always there, visiting.
Taerae was visiting him for Hyunbeen as much as for Hanbin. The kid was as energetic and humorous as they could get and Taerae seemed to like him the way Hanbin did. Hanbin’s other teammates got Taerae’s undivided attention just the same, so no one but Hanbin had anything to complain about when he came over to steal some of their time.
“Can you take a break?” Taerae had asked him once, interrupting their practice. He wouldn’t have agree if it hadn’t been Taerae who had asked.
“Of course,” he said without hesitation. Taerae led him out the room and Hanbin followed him to the most seclusive area they could find. The place shielded by the stairs.
Taerae sat him down but refused to look him in the eye. Eventually, he broke his facade. “I can’t sleep anymore, not at all.”
Hanbin’s entire world shattered in one sentence. Back when they were alone at the dorm, they often slept in the same bed so Taerae would sleep better. He was a light sleeper and thus woke easily. Falling back asleep almost never worked.
It must be similar now. And not easier to fall asleep and not be woken up, given the amount of boys around him. Especially if the stories about Jiwoong’s thunderous snoring were to be believed.
“Do you want to stay at mine?” Hanbin offered with a sad smile, reaching his hand out for Taerae to hold.
Taerae whispered, his voice broken, “please.” The begging tore down both his and Taerae’s walls, as Taerae burst into tears, holding onto Hanbin’s thigh. Hanbin put his arm over him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he tried to calm Taerae down.
“You’ll always have me, ‘Rae, don’t ever forget.”
They stayed like that until Taerae could breathe and walk again. The dance practice that followed went terribly. Hanbin couldn’t stop picturing Taerae’s brokenness. His pain ruined him the same.
‘Can I come over tonight?’ Junhyeon asked, resulting in Hanbin finally giving up and calling it quits for the night, sending everyone home.
‘’Rae’s staying over. I’ll ask him about it?’
‘That’s okay. You don’t need to’
‘It’s totally fine, I want you there, too’
Hanbin tried his best but Junhyeon wouldn’t budge.
‘Please give him all your attention. He hasn’t slept well in days. I want him to be fine, not be bothered by another presence’
‘He wouldn’t be bothered by you’
‘Still. It’s another person to care for’
Hanbin tried to draw a smiley face for the first time. A sad one. ‘Have a good night, then. See you tomorrow?’
He got a ‘Goodnight’ back and, to be as experimental as Hanbin, he drew a little heart at the end. It was at times like these that Hanbin wished he could take a screenshot of his arm, or at least take a picture.
Taerae knocked on his door almost right after, as if he had been waiting for him to finish up with his soulmate. Who he did not know was Junhyeon, by the way. Hanbin definitely should tell him soon as well.
Apparently, Junhyeon had a similar thought, because, on the one occasion all the contestants were in the same room for an entirely different reason than evaluations or eliminations, Junhyeon striked up the nerve to get out his blue marker and write something to Hanbin. While Taerae was sitting next to him.
‘Shouldn’t you tell ‘Rae-hyung?’
Hanbin visibly tensed up. It got Taerae to look at him and, subsequently, to look at the words written on his arm.
‘What are you talking about?’
He looked over at Junhyeon, sitting in a corner far away. Taerae followed his gaze.
‘About us. Aren’t you two really close?’
Oh. So he didn’t figure out about Hanbin’s rush on Taerae on his own. Hanbin hated how he still hadn’t told him. He had to tell him as soon as possible.
He promised it to himself.
‘Us?’ Hanbin added a smiley face again, a happy one this time. ‘We’re an “us” now, huh?’
Even from this far, Hanbin could see how Junhyeon’s lips turned upwards into a blinding smile.
‘If you’d like that, yes’
Hanbin tried to catch Junhyeon’s attention but he didn’t have to do much. Junhyeon’s undivided attention was already on him. He smiled at Junhyeon, a smile as bright as the sun, and sent him a kiss. If Junhyeon was only smiling before, he was definitely beaming now.
Taerae, on the other hand, who was still sitting next to Hanbin, who was watching everything unfold, was far from beaming. It was more like a glare, at first, until it turned more mellow, but still angry.
If Hanbin had seen him, it would’ve set his world on fire. But he didn’t, and life continued without any interference.
Hanbin met up with Junhyeon every time he could. Junhyeon slept in Taerae’s and his now shared bed more often than he slept in his own bed. They were attached to the hip the way Taerae used to be with Hanbin, or even Taerae with Junhyeon when they first met with Back Door.
Truthfully, Taerae only ever stayed over and talked to Hanbin at night when he came over to sleep. Or when he couldn’t sleep anymore. Taerae slept worse and worse these past days, always overtaken by worries and jealous thoughts he shouldn't be having because he knew this was going to happen someday. It was inevitable.
Hanbin’s world used to revolve around Taerae and now it did not. They both hated it, but Hanbin couldn’t say he hadn’t tried to get Taerae back in his life. He was always busy with others, or busy avoiding Hanbin during the day. Hanbin had no choice but to rely on practice and on Junhyeon, straying further away from Taerae with each passing second.
While being with Junhyeon was blissful—the guy was a real blessing, a delight to be around—and he wouldn’t want to trade his time with him for the world, Hanbin couldn’t hide the misery that showed on his face whenever Taerae walked into the room.
Junhyeon noticed it before he could tell him about it.
He’d sat Hanbin down on their bed, knees touching in newly created familiarity.
When he said it, it came without warning, which fit Junhyeon. He was a man of no warning, no label of caution. He was a thunderstorm, but one you didn’t have to run away from. He was all energy and action with no ill intention or bad outcome.
“You like ‘Rae-hyung, don’t you?”
Hanbin almost stumbled forward in surprise and, mostly, fear. He could barely speak.
“What? No, I—” After seeing how amused Junhyeon was at how he’s struggling, he accepted defeat. “Does it bother you?”
Junhyeon pressed his knee against Hanbin’s tighter. “Would I be smiling like this if I hated it?” It was a rhetorical question, but Hanbin still answered.
“You could have used this to call me out and leave me.”
He didn’t get a verbal answer back, not right away. Instead, Junhyeon let his body fall on Hanbin’s, his head pushing against his shoulder, bodies molding together. Junhyeon’s head touched his chest. He could hear Hanbin’s raging heart. He did hear it, probably, considering he was looking down and chuckling. The beautiful sound was the only thing they heard for a moment, until Junhyeon spoke again.
“I kinda like him, too,” he admitted. He hid further in Hanbin’s body, grabbing his shirt to cover his face. They both pretended they didn’t notice Hanbin’s shirt riding up a little at the bottom, the way Junhyeon eyed his sculpted abs, and the color the tips of Junhyeon’s ears started to turn. “But I don’t know what he’s feeling. He’s been impossible to read lately. Like I would like to be… with him as well, if you’d like that too, but I can’t understand him like I did when we met.”
Hanbin hummed in agreement, pushing his shirt down before placing a gentle hand on Junhyeon’s head, keeping him firmly against his chest, comfortable.
“I barely talk to him anymore.”
In the comfort of the room, Junhyeon said what he’d been thinking. “He might be jealous.”
Hanbin was sure Junhyeon could feel his entire body stiffen but he couldn’t do anything about it. “Jealous of what? Us?” After a beat of silence, he spoke again, softer this time. “Because he likes us back?”
Again, Junhyeon didn’t answer verbally, just nuzzled closer. Hanbin figured he wouldn’t know either, and decided to just rest now. He let the both of them fall back onto the mattress and lie down. They stayed like that until they were both fast asleep, in a dream where they didn’t have to worry about anything.
Hanbin woke to the sound of someone walking in. Their door made this awful creaking sound whenever anyone used it, so secretly coming couldn’t be done. Taerae, quiet and soft-spoken as he was, couldn't pull it off, either.
That much was clear, because standing in the doorway was Taerae. He looked like a lost kitten, a ghost, just standing there, not doing anything.
It was supposed to come out as a whisper but because of the stillness of the room, the words Taerae spoke were loud and clear.
“Hanbin? Are you awake?”
He was. The perks—or disadvantage—of sleeping next to Taerae for years. He’d gotten as sensitive to noise as he was.
Hanbin gently pushed away Junhyeon’s arms and legs that had gotten tangled with his own, and got up. The time he walked to Taerae wasn’t long but it felt like an eternity until he was face-to-face with him at last. Much more time had passed than he cared to admit since they last spoke like this, so close, so intimate and familiar. In this vulnerable darkness, he looked like the Taerae he knew.
“Why are you here?” Unlike Taerae, Hanbin wasn’t the Hanbin Taerae knew, not now, not like this. He could get him back if he just talked to him. If he was even there. Ever. He was always with other people, barely present when he was near Hanbin. There was nothing left from them.
This time, Taerae actually whispered. “I miss you.” He swallowed. Even in the dark, Hanbin could see it, hear it. All his senses focused on Taerae. Old habits die hard. “I miss us.”
Hanbin couldn’t stop himself. “There’s no us.” He regretted it the moment he said it, and the hurt, shocked look on Taerae’s face only made it worse. He rushed to apologize. “We need to talk, then we can work again.” I hope .
Taerae nodded slightly, softly, as if nodding too visibly, too excitedly, would somehow be a dealbreaker.
“Outside?” Hanbin gestured towards the hall, leading Taerae out before getting an answer back. “Don’t want to wake the others.” With others he primarily meant Junhyeon and Hyunbeen because they were the worst when they didn’t get enough sleep, but he also genuinely did not want anyone to wake up and accidentally eavesdrop on their conversation. It was late, he couldn’t be held responsible for his words. Who knew what he would say to Taerae now that he finally had the chance to have a full conversation with him again?
He led Taerae towards one of the sofas, where they sat next to each other, a knee’s width between them. Before everything, they would’ve been stuck to each other’s bodies with glue.
“What happened to you?” Hanbin started, sounding shakier than he wished he did. “I thought we were okay and then you just… disappeared.”
Taerae shifted next to him, creating more distance. When he noticed it, he moved again but into the opposite direction. He was trying.
“At first, I barely had any time to spend on anything but practice.” Every word he said seemed to have been pushed out of him. It was so unlike the Taerae he’d grown up with, the Taerae who held his hands when Hanbin was too afraid to speak, the Taerae who spoke with such carefully crafted words filled with intention and adoration. Tears started to prick as Hanbin realized how much he’d changed. “I don’t think you’re talking about that, though.”
Hanbin had changed just as much. He knew this, couldn’t not notice how he spoke with much less care as well, but in a different way. Hanbin felt slightly more free because of the newfound confidence in being liked back, in finding (one of?) his soulmate (s?) .
Taerae sounded restricted, like he gave himself no space to plainly exist .
Hanbin wanted to get the real Taerae back. “It hurts, doesn’t it?” Taerae looked up at him so fast he must have gotten dizzy because of it. “Losing yourself.”
He didn’t reply, only dropped his head. His shoulders hung equally low.
“I don’t know how to change back. I’m watching myself do these things and I can’t do anything about it, it seems. Like, I run and avoid you and I know why I do it but I don’t agree. And still, I can’t do anything. I run anyway.”
Hanbin decided to continue being daring but the tone of his voice said otherwise. He was gentle, considerate. The Hanbin he used to be and the Hanbin he hated to be clashing. “Why do you avoid me?”
It’s then that Taerae looked up again and made the most eye contact with him of this entire week. “I’m just so tired and so alone. You’re always off with Junhyeon and when I’m there with you I feel like I don’t belong. Like you’d rather be alone with him, like I’m an accessory you want to throw away.”
“Did I ever make you feel this way?”
Taerae shook his head, smiling at himself but it wasn’t a happy smile. “It’s all in my head. That’s the worst thing. I’m too jealous for my own good.”
Somehow, knowing Junhyeon was right, didn’t make it easier to hear.
Hanbin crossed the distance. He put his hand on Taerae’s knee and Taerae jumped up a little. Then the realization that it was Hanbin kicked in and he relaxed under his touch.
“I’m sorry I stopped trying,” Hanbin said, for what it’s worth. “Do you want to try again? With the real Hanbin, the real Taerae?”
“Yes. I wouldn’t know how, though.”
“That’s where I come in.” Hanbin smiled at him, hoping his sincerity was transferring to Taerae. “All you have to do is show up and I’ll let you feel as welcome as you are. Which is very welcome.”
It was a risk, but Hanbin moved his hand to lightly push Taerae’s head to let it rest on his shoulder. Taerae didn’t shove him away, simply and silently stayed on his shoulder, like old times.
“Thank you for trying.” He sighed the deepest and sleepiest sigh Hanbin had ever heard come from Taerae. He really had slept terribly, hadn’t he? “I’ll get myself back soon, I promise.”
It took a while and a whole lot of effort to become who they used to be but eventually, they were able to go back to their old ways. When it came to the two of them and not Junhyeon additionally, though, because that was a whole other person to maneuver around. Luckily, Taerae knew Junhyeon and luckily, Junhyeon wanted the real Taerae back as much as Hanbin did. It hurt him just as much to see Taerae so lifeless. He’d worked hard to make this work.
They had yet to talk about this , though. What they were.
Because, frankly, Taerae was as much part of Hanbin and Junhyeon as he was not. The both of them wanted Taerae to be part of their relationship, undoubtedly, and over time, it had gotten pretty clear Taerae liked the two of them back.
Plus, the soulmate-ism of it all.
While Hanbin had realized Taerae was his soulmate prior to coming on the show, Junhyeon had come to the conclusion Taerae was his as well, a little while ago.
He’d tried it out a couple of times to test it, probably much to Taerae’s dismay, because this required singing the most annoying songs known to mankind. Every song he got stuck in his head played in Taerae’s head. It was a fun test for Junhyeon and Hanbin, but they’d woken up to Taerae sighing and humming the dolphin song and many others countless times now. It was time they stopped.
So Hanbin decided to let Junhyeon take the lead and sit Taerae down sometime this week. They’d make sure they would have the room for them alone and then tell him, ask him to join them if he wanted to. Hanbin was exhilarated, at the very least.
It seemed Taerae had different plans, though. When Junhyeon asked him if he wanted to hang out at their room that night, he asked them something in return. “Can we go outside? I asked if we could go somewhere tonight, just the three of us.”
Hanbin was overly exhilarated now. Junhyeon had to physically cool him down—waving his hand in his face for a minute—to get him to relax. “Does that mean he wants to tell us something? Confess? Am I getting ahead of myself?”
Junhyeon laughed but there was no harm in it, only adoration. “You might be. If he doesn’t say anything, we can always do it ourselves, you know?” He leaned down to plant a kiss on Hanbin’s forehead. He’d waved it dry a second ago, so the touch was cold. He leaned down further to plant a kiss on Hanbin’s lips, then. “For the warmth,” he grinned.
Hanbin grinned back, “I’ll warm you up.” He reached his arms forward to catch Junhyeon in them and kissed both his cheeks plenty of times. The soft coughing of someone standing a few meters away broke them apart.
It was Taerae who was standing in the doorway again, like that one night. He didn’t look like a lost kitten this time. He looked stunning, carefully put together, boyish. He looked like Taerae.
“You’re here,” Junhyeon smiled his brightest smile. And because he was still himself, he continued, “come join us.”
Taerae followed him, obviously, because he had no idea what Junhyeon had meant. Hanbin noticed, realized Junhyeon had talked before thinking again—he was a master at that; if they needed a Star Master for reckless but charming behavior, it could be him.
“Don’t listen to him,” he said, pushing Junhyeon off his lap without any serious force. “We’re ready to go, right?”
Junhyeon eagerly nodded, grabbing Taerae’s hands to lead him out. “Run, loser,” he directed at Hanbin, laughing. Hanbin ran behind him, following suit, giggling just the same.
Taerae eventually took the lead to show them where he wanted to take them.
It was a skatepark, something neither Hanbin nor Junhyeon had expected to go to tonight.
Considering the way Junhyeon’s eyes lit up, he liked the surprise.
“Did you not bring a skateboard?” Hanbin asked, amused. There was no one and no thing near them aside from the skatepark itself. It would have looked lonely if they hadn’t been there together in the cold. Winter had just bled into spring but the temperature outside was still too low for them to be standing outside at such a late hour. “Or a blanket?”
Taerae beamed. “I did bring a skateboard actually!” Proud of himself, he walked away from them to search around. As if he’d just gotten kicked in the shin, he came back. “It’s gone.”
Junhyeon could not believe his ears. “You put the skateboard out here? Where anyone could have seen and stolen it?” He ran up to Taerae and engulfed him in a tight, overbearing hug. “Hyungnim! You’re so dumb.” If it had come out of anyone else’s mouth, it would perhaps sound mean, but Taerae only blushed at the teasing.
“I didn’t think people were that selfish…”
Soon enough, Hanbin joined the teasing, laughing with them. “It’s alright, we can just sit out here. Close together though, I wasn’t kidding about the blanket. I’m extremely cold.” He pointed at his pronouncedly vibrating body. “Look, I’m shivering.”
“Dramatic,” Junhyeon spew out. He instantly sat down next to Hanbin on the side of one of the ramps. He pressed his entire leg against Hanbin’s for warmth. Taerae stared at them from a distance. Junhyeon stared back at him, inviting him with his eyes. When that wasn’t enough, he told Taerae to sit down, too. “You can’t just stand there. I’ll feel bad.”
Junhyeon’s other leg pressed against Taerae in no time, for maybe a little more than warmth.
They sat there for a while, just looking at the crescent moon in the sky, the faint overhearing of a couple chattering somewhere close but equally far.
“‘Rae?” Hanbin broke the silence. Taerae’s eyes shot up immediately, looking over Junhyeon, leaning over his body, to look at Hanbin.
“Yeah?” he choked out, unexpecting.
Junhyeon figured this was the time they’d been waiting for. He got giddy at the thought.
Hanbin, too. He couldn’t contain his smile. “Did you call us out here for any special reason?” He was fishing for a confession. If he wouldn’t get it now, he would give it.
“I did,” Taerae got out with some effort, stumbling over each syllable. “It’s just… I’ve been thinking…” Junhyeon dared to lay his hand on Hanbin’s knee. Taerae started to stammer as he followed the movement. He still couldn’t speak when Junhyeon moved his other hand to lay on Taerae’s knee.
Junhyeon, the little devil, reassured him. “Take your time.”
“This isn’t easy for me but you make me feel alive. Happy, like I’m enough.” Taerae looked down at his hands folded together, awkwardly hanging in between his legs. “I like you. Both of you.” He laughed at himself, hiding his face with his shoulders, dropping low. “This is embarrassing, isn’t it? You’re together and—”
Hanbin cut his worries short. “We like you just as much.” Junhyeon nodded, hummed in agreement and Taerae turned towards them, shoulders and face no longer nearing the ground.
“You’re serious?”
“Why wouldn’t we be?” Junhyeon said in the quietest, clearest voice Taerae had so far heard him speak in. The reassurement shining in his eyes convinced him.
Soft-spoken relief spat from Taerae’s words. “Okay. What now, then?”
It was Hanbin’s turn to speak, to let Taerae know what was on their minds. “We were thinking about becoming official? The three of us? If you’d like?” His face made him seem much more sure of himself than his voice did.
“I’d like that,” Taerae smiled, washing away all doubts any of them had lingering in the backs of their minds.
Before any of them knew it, the night had turned to day while they stayed put, talking about everything and anything. They quietly went back to the dorm, hoping no one had found their absence abnormal enough to comment on.
Soon, they found themselves guilty of sneaking out every now and then, hiding in the anonymity of the dark, the warm embrace of not one but two boys they all loved to bits. No one else noticed, they at least didn’t let on that they did, and everything seemed to go back to a new type of normal.
Life went on. Secrets were shared, but not all. There was still something that was missing.
The tattoo.
It was only after Junhyeon had begged him, that Hanbin showed Taerae their shared tattoo on his back. Taerae had apparently been whining about it to Junhyeon behind his back but had been too kind not to bug Hanbin about it.
“You should tell me about things like this. About things you want,” Hanbin had told him right before pulling off his shirt and turning around.
Taerae was left speechless for a moment. “It looks beautiful on you.”
“You can touch it if you want.” He wasted no moment to do exactly that. The cold feeling of Taerae’s slender fingers tracing the unnatural blue color on his skin—the reason he felt so acquainted with blue colors—was electrifying, terribly so, but because it was Taerae and his touch, he could relax and stay still. “What do you think?”
Taerae softly but clearly inhaled. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before, like, ever.”
“Sorry,” Hanbin laughed, not meaning it as much as he wished he did. He stood behind his decision to hide it from him. “Can I see yours again?”
“Again?” Taerae frowned. “You’ve seen it before?” He didn’t wait for Hanbin’s response to pull off his own shirt, though. He turned around to face Hanbin first, though, making him wait for it. “I still can’t phantom how it’s you, after all.”
Hanbin chuckled at that. “We were always meant to be, don’t you think?” He placed his equally cool hands on Taerae’s shoulders, keeping him there for a second in advance of turning him around.
“You think so?”
“It’s clear, isn’t it?” He took a look at Taerae’s tattoo, as beautiful as his own, if not more. A lot of things looked prettier on Taerae simply because it was on Taerae, he believed. “I’m so glad it’s you. And Junhyeon. I’m beyond thrilled to know it’s you two.”
“Please don’t ever say that again. Beyond thrilled,” Taerae commented but his laugh hid all the bark and all the bite. “I’m relieved, too.” He turned around again, not giving Hanbin any other second to stare at him. He slung his arms over Hanbin’s shoulders, holding his neck with care. “I couldn’t be happier about it.” His smile spoke louder than his words, his ocean-deep dimple showing as he spoke.
Hanbin’s smile made up for the happiness Taerae’s smile couldn’t obtain. “I think I want to show Junhyeonnie as well.” He almost moved away to get him but Taerae stopped him before he could.
“We can get him in a second,” he said, leaning in just a little so he could press his forehead against Hanbin’s. “I’m sure he’ll be okay if we wait a minute.”
Life after that was simple.
Okay, not simple but it felt easy, natural somehow, like they’d always been the three of them. There was still Hanbin and Taerae, Hanbin and Junhyeon and Junhyeon and Taerae but now there was also Hanbin, Taerae and Junhyeon. It all came naturally, with some sort of familiarity. It was home.
When Junhyeon kissed the palm of Hanbin’s hand it felt like the buzzing in his stomach as Taerae held his hand. When Taerae caressed Junhyeon’s cheek, it felt like Junhyeon sang his favorite song, only for the three of them to hear. When Hanbin traced the inner side of Taerae’s thigh it felt like the countless nights they all spent together under one cover, intoxicating.
It’s different but all so similar. It’s life and it’s love, and Hanbin wouldn’t trade it for anything else.