Chapter Text
He can remember as if it was yesterday. Looking over plans of Netherstorm, calculating and writing down numbers and short words on scraps of paper all around his working station in the Keep when lord Sanguinar approached him with intel on what's been happening around Outland in the past week.
"And apparently, the Betrayer has been slain by the Warden- if you haven't heard, my prince." He claimed, very nonchalant.
"What?" He snapped his head upwards to look at the taller elf. "What did you just say?"
"I said- that it's over, the Black Temple has fallen. That is good news, is it not?"
"It's-" his voice broke and he looked down at his papers, unable to comprehend a single word of what he's just been told.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your work, my liege." Sanguinar bowed lightly and walked out of the room as quickly as possible.
"He's dead," it took a few minutes for him to realize what has happened. "He's gone. He is not going to come running after me and he is certainly not going to put a stop to this madness he-" he punched the table. "What am I supposed to do now, you- you-! You half-night elf mongrel!" Tears started swelling up in his eyes, partially clouding his vision as well as his thoughts. He might've lit the whole map and all his notes on fire. It did not matter anymore. Nothing did.
~~~
A few weeks passed with the prince spending most his time working, not thinking of the loss and all the mistakes he made to come to this point. Trying very hard to pull himself together and not let his cracked shell fall apart. But just when he thought he could be getting better, there was a numerous group of intruders at the Keep. Seemingly coming just to end his misery, which didn't sound like the worst thing to happen.
The fight was long. Too long for his liking. Too long for him to effectively have the arrogant mask of eloquence and cunning on the entire time. The mask shattered in the middle of a spell. He was in the air, casting, using every drop of mana to make himself stronger and- it only made his mind weaker.
He gracefully landed onto the ground but almost immediatelly dropped to his knees, nearly collapsing. He cried and begged and shook and begged some more. For the pain to stop.
"Please-..." He let out a scream in agony, that was not even partially physical. "Please, just let me die. Let me leave this god forsaken place for good, let me-" he was just rambling nonsense by the point Lady Liadrin reached the Keep.
~~~
He doesn't remember much up to waking up in his chambers. His old chambers. In Silvermoon. He rubbed his eyes to clear his vision, looking around.
"You're such an unbelievable asshole, Kael'thas, I can't even begin to describe to you how terrified I was for your life, you selfish, dumb, dashing prick!"
It was Rommath, who immediatelly started talking to him as if he just made an "oopsie". It felt surreal. And Kael'thas couldn't bring himself to say a single word.
"Can you tell me what happened out there, Sun? Can you explain to me what went through your head when you did all that? You could've died! And all of your people would follow soon after without a strong leader! And Theron is getting on my nerves! I-... Kael?"
Rommath's eyes examined the prince's expression and he gently cupped his cheek.
"What happened to you? Normally you would fight me to the death if I called you an asshole- What did they do to you? Who did? Just tell me and I will-"
"Stop..." the prince whispered, tears once again starting streaming down his face.
"Do you... Do you want me to leave you alone for a moment?"
He slightly nodded, looking away, trying to clear his eyes once again. Rommath slowly getting up, looking over Kael and examining every part of the room to make sure there's nothing that could possibly hurt his prince, walking to the door, sighing, opening it and leaving. Kael heard a locking sound from the door, which did not make him feel any more secure.
He sat up in bed and looked over the room, then looking in the mirror at what he was wearing. A simple white sleeping gown and a choker. He knew immediately what it was and that there was no option for him to take it off. They had to silence him with a FUCKING dog collar.
A few weeks ago he would've felt humiliated, angry, ABSOLUTELY livid. But now, he barely felt anything. He felt blue, so incredibly sad the sadness was tangible. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be.
~~~
He walked to the spire alongside Rommath. They haven't really spoken since he came back and there was nothing to actually speak about. Kael didn't talk to anyone and Rommath didn't want to hurt him more by pressuring him to speak.
"KAEL'THAS!" The ever-so positive Halduron ran over to them, not caring about much else but hugging the elf. Kael just stood there, in his embrace for a short moment, Hal pulled back after a while. "We thought we'll never see you again! Lor said that-"
"Halduron, shut it..." Lor'themar chuckled and walked to them. "He's not in the best shape, can't you see that?"
"He looks as wonderful as ever!"
Rommath rose his eyebrows. "He looks like a corpse." Oh how Kael wished he was a corpse by now.
"Well, he obviously should eat something- and-" Halduron looked over at Lor'themar's expression. "And our people should probably see him when he recovers."
"I'm well, you three." Kael'thas spoke up, with the triumvirate turning their heads to him. "Well enough to get judged for what I did."
"What are you talking about?" Lor'themar said, quietly.
"About what I did?" He coughed for a bit, his voice getting used to being quiet. "I betrayed all of you and sided with the legion, did you all just forget that?"
"We know that. But you were -obviously- unwell. So it is understandable for you to-"
"Nothing I did is understandable, Theron! I betrayed all of our people and the Betrayer himself! I deserve little less than to rot in a cell somewhere or to get executed!"
"Kael'thas, are you telling me you would do that just because you wanted to?"
"Of course not! But I did it! All of it!"
"But you would've never done any of that if you were mentally well, Kael'thas. And you recognise the issue with your past behavior. There's no need for anyone to-"
"You act as if you know everything about everything! About me and about my motivations! But you know nothing! The only one in this room who knows is me and I am telling you that I deserve to die!"
"Yes and I am telling you, as lord regent you yourself chose, that you, Kael'thas Sunstrider, are not thinking straight."
"You're such a-"
"Kael-" Rommath placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "-stop, you're only hurting yourself."
"To hell with you, all of you!" He yelled and covered his face.
~~~
Couple weeks passed with Kael spending most of his time in his chambers. He didn't want to speak to anyone. Noone understood, or didn't want to understand, him. He didn't eat, barely slept and just spent his days looking up at a ceiling while laying there with his hands pressed tight against his chest.
He was so desperate to feel something other than anguish and grief. He tried scratching his arms to the point of them bleeding, resulting in Rommath keeping him in check every second of every day. Hell, he couldn't even punish himself for his misdeeds.
One day, he looked over at the door unlocking and saw a light-haired human walking in. He never wanted Jaina to see him like this. He looked horrible, sunken eyes with dark circles under them, the skinniest he's ever been, his usually sun-kissed skin just as dull and ashy as ever.
"I was looking forward to seeing you again, Kael'thas..." She looked sad, he wasn't sure if that was because of him, or another matter. "What happened to you, old friend?" She sat down on a chair next to his bed and reached her hand out to brush back his hair.
He was silent, completely, just looking at her, his expression blank.
"Kael'thas... are you here with me?" She gently touched one of his ears and it shook in response. "I am here for you if you ever... if you ever need me, dear, do you understand me?"
He nodded after a while. The truth being, he did not understand. He didn't understand why anyone would be there for him after all of that. He did not want anyone to be there for him after all of that. He did not deserve anyone to be there for him after all of that.
He wanted to scream, run and set everything on fire but he couldn't. He couldn't even speak.
~~~
Next person to visit him was Sylvanas. A friend of his from way back when. Although she was different. Very different from how he remembered her.
She looked very good compared to the other undead -no, forsaken- he's seen. But there was something wrong, still.
She sat down on the chair next to his bed just like Jaina did the week prior.
"Prince Kael'thas... I've heard of what happened in Outland and I was very relieved when I heard you were alright."
She obviously noticed the lack of energy in the prince's usually very vibrant face.
"I believe you can get better. I did and so will you, young prince." She smiled.
~~~
He felt better, if by better you understand "doing more than just laying in bed". Rommatg rid him of the collar and Kael could actually cast once more, and with every little spell he could feel his power come back. His will to live was still nowhere to be seen, but he was actually trying now.
He actually started acting as prince sometimes, although he couldn't help but notice people whispering underneath their breath about him. And he didn't blame them either. Not one bit.
The first thing he chose to do was travel to Teldrassil with Rommath and talk with Malfurion.
He always found the druid incredibly intimidating and he has seen his fair share of intimidating beings. But not today. Today he was ready to scream his lungs out and fight for what feels important.
The night elves weren't happy seeing blood elves coming to their home. Their distaste was apparent especially when he actually got to speak to the Betrayer's brother.
"Welcome, prince Sunstrider." Malfurion's voice was very warm, calm and overall welcoming. But Kael'thas was mad. "Your need for a meeting felt urgent. Is there anything we could help you with."
"Why didn't you make sure Illidan would have a proper funeral?" He started.
"Oh-... is that why you're here?"
"I asked you first. Why didn't your brother, your twin, have a funeral?"
"I believe that my answer would not be to your liking, young one. And we've heard word of how you get rid of things that are... not to your liking."
"Bullshit."
"Kael'thas-" Rommath looked over at his friend.
"Wasn't my brother the one who used you and your people for his cause, young Sunstrider?"
"Your brother was always trying to help... He just made mistakes! Who doesn't make mistakes?"
"He has clouded your judgement, hasn't he?" Malfurion looked as if he genuinely cared. "You have to understand-"
"I don't have to understand anything. You have to give your brother a funeral. For yourself and for him."
The room fell silent until Malfurion answered. "I will see what I can do."
"And I will see you to it."
~~~
It took years for Kael to seem alright. But not a day did he feel alright. Not even the closest ones to him knew how close he felt to incinerating himself. How close he felt to run away and never let anyone see him again.
But for all around him, he looked well. With his usual rosy color returning to his cheeks, dark circles beneath his eyes disappearing and healthy weight making his body not show every single bone within it.
He was wearing a beautiful regal robe, his hair was neatly styled, framing his face like always.
He felt like himself, even if only on the outside. Even if only for his own coronation. Feeling atleast a hint of happiness even though he views the entire thing as foolish.
The entire day was horribly exhausting for him. He was looking forward to being in his room again. Having already spoken to Lor'themar about not being fit enough to rule and he reassured him he'll do whatever he can to lift some weight off his shoulders.
But the crown felt so heavy.
~~~
"I cannot keep living like this, Rommath. I cannot and I will not. I am not as strong as my father and I am not as determined as my mother." He was holding his head, sitting on his bed, being hugged from the side by the other. "I don't want to live anymore, Rom. I can't."
"Kael, look at me-" He said, almost whispering. "Look at me, I won't let you go. Not again."
Both of them were shaking, whimpering. Both of them knew that Kael is not doing well again.
~~~
It came back. Kael stopped eating, talking to people and slept sporadically. Rommath kept an eye on him to keep him safe.
However, nothing worked to keep the king of the sin'dorei out of his own head.
Suddenly, he spoke.
"I'm the reason he died, Rom."
"What?"
"He wouldn't have died if I was there to protect him from himself."
"What are you saying?"
"He could've been here if I weren't a fucking failure of an elf."
"Are you talking about-"
"About Illidan! Of course I'm talking about Illidan, you moron!"
"You're acting out again..." Rommath shook his head. "You're not the reason he died, he had it coming."
"You understand nothing..."
~~~
Khadgar walked into his room, unannounced. Sat down on the chair ever-so-present that Rommath spent so many nights falling asleep on just to keep his king safe.
"What happened to you, Kael'thas?"
The elf laughed, barked out chuckles that he held in for a moment. "I died, Khadgar. I died back in Outland."
"You're here, Kael'thas, you didn't die."
"I did. Alongside the Black Temple, old friend."
~~~
He was needed at Nighthold. And to be needed? That was something he hasn't felt in a while. He fought alongside adventurers and well-known heroes, face obscured by a cloak as to not bring much attention to his unhealthy visage. He felt awesome, finally in action, up until-
He was not expecting to ever see him again. The love of his life, the one who hurt him so much, the one whom he loved every moment and every second of every day... was standing right infront of him.
He ran to him, his cloak falling from his hair, his cheeks already wet from the tears.
And hugged him. Squeezed the tall kal'dorei with all his might as if he could run from him.
"Kael-..." Illidan sounded as if he choked on his name, but he returned the hug, clawed hands brushing back the royal's hair.
"I'm so tired, Illidan..."
~~~
They were in Kael's chambers, in bed, embracing one another while sleeping, when Illidan slowly got up.
Kael's hand immediately caught his wrist and the half-awake king looked at his lover.
"I- don't leave me..." He cried.
"Then come with me..."