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She can't stop thinking about that stupid kiss on her cheek even if she tries really hard not to. She's been rolling over in their bed (yes, there's only one bed in their house and yes, it's still weird to call it "their house" even if everything is perfectly friendly and normal and just convenient) for almost two hours now. Ava obviously didn't show up for training or for sleeping, for what it's worth. Everything feels too much but she hasn't put a label on it yet, she can't put a label on it, she's a freaking nun. She stopped having feelings for girls a long time ago, she trained herself not to. Becoming a nun has made it easier actually, she has rules, she loves rules. She just can't have crushes on people, she can't fall in love. It's the rules. She knows everything is wrong though, she can feel it in her chest, more and more often, more and more painfully. She knows that she's making herself unhappy, it's becoming clear with time. She does everything right (she prays, she helps others, she works on the mission, she trains) but she feels very wrong. Despite this she can't stop doing everything the same, it would cost too much energy to change her life so she just keeps on doing that. It's easier in a sense, to be unhappy. She already knows what it feels like, everything is certain and safe if you don't change it, even if it feels deeply wrong. Day after day she keeps living her ordinary (less ordinary lately) life, enjoying some parts of it yet feeling deeply miserable. Being a nun saved her from a certain period of her life, it was the only way out. But now, what she once could stand or even cherish, it's a very heavy burden in her chest. She starts to think that if she doesn't set herself free, doesn't start to let herself feel, it might be too late. Ava is only the tip of the iceberg (well maybe something more than that), the last straw. Ava is a sign, but she's not sure if it's a sign from God. She's not even sure what God thinks of her or why he made her gay or what he expects her to do with it. She feels like Ava is her last chance to live her life fully, that if she doesn't take this cue she will just keep torturing herself forever. She asks herself if others can see what's happening inside of her, she hopes not but she's not so stupid to think that something major like this, growing inside of her, can be invisible.
She asks herself what Ava sees right through her eyes, it scares her sometimes how deep Ava's glance can be when it's raised to her. She thought that Ava was pretty carefree and even childish but when she looks at her sometimes she feels like she knows more than everyone else, like she understands her completely, like she... never mind. She didn't think someone could ever stare that deeply into her eyes and react with such an intense comforting gaze. Like everything is already there, like they can figure out everything together. But maybe she just loves her as a friend, they have been through a lot together so it's not weird to have a deep connection. Feeling seen and understood is not that different from feeling loved. Plus, she saw Ava flirting with Miguel and other guys. She's so stupid to think that Ava could like her or even have feelings for her, she knows she shouldn't put her hopes on this. They're friends, close friends, she's a freaking nun, Ava is the most badass and beautiful girl she's ever seen and she's reading too much into that. This feeling though... it won't pass by itself and she needs to do something about it, if this battle will finish someday she needs to go away. She needs to set herself free and to understand what she really wants, what really makes her happy (she has some ideas already). She pictured this scenario many times and very often Ava would be in it, they would have a home just like the one they're living in, they would just live their lives, maybe they would even help the nuns if necessary (if they still would want to deal with her) and spend time with them (they're her family after all, she hopes she won't lose this family too). It's hard to imagine a calm life though, they're used to fight almost every day for their lives and the world, it's very difficult to imagine going on a date or something like that. But even if they would be a weird couple it would be perfect anyway, she's sure they would learn to be happy doing silly things together. They really complement each other. Why is she picturing this again... this is not going to happen. Worst case scenario they both die (actually Ava dies and she has to live with it), best case scenario she keeps being a nun and lives her life as always and maybe Ava will come to visit them sometimes. Where would she even go if she leaves the order? That makes no sense.
While her brain is almost exploding, she hears a noise and sees a soft light. Then the bed moves and the light is off again. She smells Ava's scent mixed with a hint of alcohol, she always smells good even after a day of work and a night of dancing. She realizes she's been silently crying for a long time and now she's starting to feel a headache coming, she feels desperate. Luckily she's turned away from Ava because there is always some light coming from the window and she doesn't want her to see her like this. She stands perfectly still pretending to sleep while she carefully studies Ava movements. She isn't moving anymore now but she doesn't fall asleep immediately as always, instead she feels her hand caressing her back. She shivers and she forgets she was even crying, she's suddenly very awake and very lucid, her chest imploding. If Ava were sober she would sense it but she probably doesn't.
"I never cared about someone like this" and then a pause, she stops caressing her and she gently hugs her from behind (she never thought Ava could be so sweet before really knowing her). "Living together is the thing in my life that makes more sense" and a long breath in her neck. She doesn't know if Ava knows she's awake or if she should say something but she physically can't. She just finally let herself breath too. She had too much stuff going on in her head and now there is nothing. She even forgets she was mad at Ava, for not showing up earlier and for preferring getting drunk instead of spending time with her. But how could she blame her for reacting this way, at least she's not a coward like her, she's living her life the best she can. Ava might not be happy but at least she isn't making herself feeling this way, unlike her. She doesn't need rules to live, she doesn't want them at all. She does what she feels like doing (not always the best for their mission) and now she's hugging her, setting her free from every doubt about what would make her life less miserable.
While the last two tears fall on the sheets she irreversibly understands that this time she can't stop feeling that way. Maybe Ava doesn’t feel the same way about her but once the world is saved, if she survives, she has to figure it out.