Work Text:
Dazai stood in the doorway of his room. He pulled the bag he had further up his shoulder. He was thankful that Mori was at work and that Elise was at school. He wouldn’t be able to face them if they were home. He could lie to their faces… He could lie as much as he liked but he knew that Mori would be able to read him like a book.
His eyes did a once over of the room that had remained untouched for the last 8 months before he clicked on his phone. His heart lurked slightly at the sight of his Lock Screen; the moment frozen in time between him and Chuuya. Little did they know just how much their lives were about to change the night of that same photo. It was 9am and he knew where he should be. He should be curled up in an uncomfortable hospital chair or in the bed with his boyfriend. It should be their first morning together as a family but he was here. He didn’t belong here anymore.
He didn’t know how long he stared at his phone as if he was expecting Chuuya to call him. He didn’t. He knew he wasn’t and he didn’t blame him. He had done something unforgivable and he didn’t deserve his pity. He shoved his phone back into his pocket… He needed to leave now before anyone figured out what he was doing. He turned on his heel and headed out the door, locking the door and placing it in the flower pot on the side step just like all those times before. It was muscle memory at this point but something tugged on his heartstrings at the realization that this would be the last of many. He ran his hand through his hair, groaning slightly as something snagged in it forcing him to pull his hand back. Of course it was the stupid arcade ring. It always was. His gaze glued on the cheap plastic item that had adored his finger for the last 11 months. He had every intention of handing Chuuya a real one; rose gold with a red garnet adoring the center. However that dream shattered, remembering the conversation he had with Paul two months prior. He knew he wasn’t good enough and he knew that he’d screw up eventually. However, ripping off the bandaid only hurt more in the end which was what led him here, walking down the sidewalk and towards the train station.
The revving of a motorcycle engine wasn’t too out of the ordinary for this time of day. Dazai definitely thought much of it until a black sports bike lingered beside. His eyes flickering over for a brief second before he recognized the shape of the rider.
“Dazai…?” The masculine voice spoke as the bike slowly came to a halt beside him. The visor of the helmet flicking up to reveal blue eyes and a few locks of auburn hair poking through. “I got your text but what are you doing?”
Dazai swallowed as he stared at his best friend. What was he supposed to say? That he was running away? That he was a coward and no different from his mother? His grip tightened around the strap of his guitar case as he tried to think of what to say; “Listen… I may have done something bad…”
“Did you kill someone?”
“No Odasaku…” Dazai replied with a rather exhausted sigh even though it really did feel like he did. “I just realized I’m not fit to be a father…”
Oda narrowed his eyes at the other as he took in his words. Dazai was thinking he was free to go about his plan and went to take another step forward. However he was quickly proven wrong as he felt a large hand wrap around his arm in a firm grip.
“Oda…”
“You’re coming with me. I’m taking you home.”
The phrase sounded a bit more threatening being said in the blunt tone that Odasaku was accustomed to using. It nearly sent a shiver down Dazai’s spine and he wanted to protest. However he knew way better than to argue with him especially when it came to something like this. Knowing Oda as well as he did… he’d probably end up tailing him throughout his whole walk to the train station. He really didn’t want to and made it known by the long, loud sigh he let out before climbing on the back of the bike.
I thought I couldn't love anymore
Turns out I can't, but not for the same reasons as before
I use everyone I ever meet
I can't find the perfect match
Dazai hated this. He should be on a train at this point but instead he was in Ango and Oda’s kitchen. The pair leaned across the island, staring daggers at him as if he had done something wrong. He had. He had done something very wrong but he didn’t want to be reminded of it. His chin rested on the cool countertop as he avoided their gaze.
“So let me get this straight… You signed away your parental rights?” Ango asked, unfolding his arms from across his chest to push off the counter.
“Yes because I’d fuck her up. She’d be so much better if I wasn’t in her life.” Dazai said, refusing to look up. He heard a bit of shuffling and winced when a rolled up newspaper came in contact with his head.
“Out of all of the stupid things you’ve done in your life Osamu… this is probably the stupidest.”
Dazai simply groaned in response to Ango’s comment. He knew that! He knew he was being stupid and that deep down he really wanted to be with Chuuya and their daughter. He knew it was so easy and that he would have proved Paul wrong. Proven himself wrong but at the same time… His stomach twisted in knots. He wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t going to be good enough. Not for Chuuya and definitely not for Misuki. His chest tightened as he thought back to the baby girl who laid asleep just beyond the glass of the nursery. She was so close… and yet so far away.
“He won’t forgive me for this…” Dazai muttered under his breath. His eyes casted downward to look at the marble patterns in the countertop. “And even if he did… I wouldn’t be a good influence.”
There was a small sigh that escaped Odasaku before Dazai felt the same large hand from earlier resting gently on his head, fingers threading through his hair. Usually Dazai would protest. He wasn’t usually the one who enjoyed being touched or affectionate in general. He could play it off as just being tired but… He wouldn’t deny just how much he needed this.
“Why don’t you get some rest or relax for a bit?” Oda suggested.
Dazai let out a small sigh. He wasn’t really in a place to say no. He could claim he would go back to the hospital but… he knew he’d be followed. He could always wait… They had to go to work at some point. He knew they had both got summer jobs even if Ango’s parents paid for their current apartment.
Abuse those I love
While I ostracize the ones who love me
Back
“You sure you’ll be fine here alone.” Oda asked, readjusting his jacket cuffs as he looked back.
Dazai was splayed out on the couch, staring at his phone. His eyes darted from his phone to his friend for a brief second before he nodded; “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Ango should be back from his meeting soon right?”
Odasaku nodded in confirmation. Dazai watched the door creak open and then close behind the other, leaving him completely alone. He set his phone on his chest as he stared up at the ceiling. The small nap he took did help when it came to him being tired but… it didn’t help his choice. He was stuck in his ways. He had to leave. He couldn’t just linger around Yokohama like a ghost. He wasn’t going to do that to Chuuya. It was unfair to him and especially Misuki, who he’d be able to see grow up from afar. She wouldn’t know who he was but he would know her. He knew how selfish he was being but he’d rather not torture his boyfriend with his presence any longer, well ex boyfriend now he supposed.
It didn’t take him long to finally peel himself from the couch and gather his things. He had to leave soon. He didn’t know how short of a window he had before Ango came through the door. He already had the message typed out in their group chat; an explanation and a plea to not drag him back. He wasn’t going to send it, not until he was on a train.
Shaky hands gripped the doorknob before he opened and closed the door behind him, making sure to lock it. There was a nagging in the back of his mind that they would be better off without him. The slight tugging of heart that begged him not to do this but… his mind won out in the end. He was going to be like his mother. He didn’t have any proof but he just had a gut feeling that he would be. He wasn’t going to put his own daughter through that. He was going to break that cycle before it even had a chance of starting over again even though it hurt him to do so.
It was around 2pm when his feet finally made contact with the train station’s platform. His phone was silent, already feeling the vibration of calls coming in from his back pocket. He was lucky that his exchange order came in shortly after Ocean day but… they also weren’t expecting Misuki to come as early as she did. He tapped his foot as he picked the earliest train time. He didn’t care where it was going. He just knew he needed to be gone before Ango or Odasaku managed to get there.
On the path of least resistance, I find myself salting the Earth
Every time that I miss you
I feel the way you hurt
Dazai watched as the scenery started to move before him. The train slowly but surely pulled out of the station with his head pressed against the glass. It was a bit uncomfortable as the rattling and the shaking of the train car thrummed against his skull but he didn’t seem to care all that much. He pulled out his phone, seeing the 5 missed calls and 20 unread messages from Ango and Odasaku both in individual dms and in their group chat. He couldn’t help but scroll, longing to see the familiar Slug contact name pop up in his notifications. He wasn’t surprised to see that it wasn’t there but there was a tiny bit of him that hurt and he didn’t know why it took this long for things to finally hit him. He finally scrolled back up, trying to ignore the sudden urge to text Chuuya, to apologize and to let him know that he was okay. Instead he found himself back in the group chat. His eyes catching a glimpse at the last message he sent them telling them that his little girl was on her way. He still couldn’t believe that it wasn't even 12 hours ago since he had sent that. He swallowed past the lump forming in his throat as he went and hit send. The message lit up his screen as it was sent, reading it over as he waited for the responses to come flooding in.
Dazai [to LupMen’s Group]: I appreciate you guys. You know I do but being here and staying here isn’t fair to Chuuya and Misuki. This has been something that has been on my mind for a while now. You know I was going to propose to him on Ocean’s day and that didn’t happen. I just… I don’t think I’ll be a good dad. I can try all I want but I don’t want to hurt her. She’s so perfect and so little I don’t deserve something like that. Please don’t try and get me to come back and please look out for them for me. You guys are the best friends I could’ve asked for and I know you’d be great godparents to her.
Dazai could feel his eyes start to water and his nose sting. He clenched his jaw and tried to blink away the tears before they even had a chance to fall. He swallowed thickly, trying his best to keep himself quiet and not to disturb the other passengers or draw attention to himself.
It was better this way. He just had to keep telling himself that no matter how much his heart lurked in his chest the more he thought back to that little girl who was probably fast asleep and none the wiser to where he was. His thumb lingered over the DMs he and Chuuya shared. The last message still previewed; a response to whether or not the redhead wanted some ice chips from the hospital vending machine. It was such a simple thing and rather stupid if someone was to look over his shoulder to see what he was trying not to cry over. The hint of domesticity that they had shared over the course of 8 months was now nothing but memory. He quickly flipped his phone over in his lap, avoiding the temptation as much as he could.
Chuuya didn’t want to hear from him. He probably hated him. He wouldn't blame him if he moved on within a few months… mostly for Misuki’s sake because that was the kind of person that he was. He was kind. Stubborn than a bull when it came to some things, like being player 1 on Mario Kart because it made him more likely to win (even though Dazai beat him most of the time) and willing to do anything for those he cared about. No doubt his daughter would be on the top of his list. His daughter… not theirs. Not anymore.
And I don't deserve you
You deserve the world
Though it feels like we were built
From the same dirt
It was around 3pm when Dazai finally stepped off the train and into Tokyo's train station. He remembered this place once before, having traveled with his uncle Mori and his cousin for his 10th birthday. He never thought he’d find himself back here under these circumstances but at least he was still in a somewhat familiar station even if a few things had changed over the years. He held onto the strap of his bag, his stomach tying up into knots as he was waiting for a call. He knew Mori was going to be returning home soon enough either that or Elise had managed to find the note he had left them and alerted him. Either way he was terrified of the impending lecture he was going to receive, knowing how disappointed the man must be in him.
He looked up at the train schedule, trying to pick just where he wanted to go next. He didn’t have a set destination in mind. He simply went wherever his gut was telling him to go. However the growling he received in response from his stomach made him realize just how hungry he actually was. His gaze pulled away from the board and to the way that led to the Toyko Shopping Mall. He had some time to kill before his train leading to Kyoto started to board so he let his stomach guide him up to the shopping mall.
It had been a long time since he traversed the halls, taking in the sights and smells that only made his stomach growl even more. He eventually landed on Kasho Sazen and picked up a few Hagi no Tsuki cakes. That was when he heard his phone start to ring in his pocket. His blood went cold for a second before he finally muscled up his courage and pulled it out. However the contact wasn’t the one he expected to see. What the fuck was Ranpo calling for? His older cousin never called him.
“Hello…?” Dazai asked as he picked up the phone. His brows knitted together in slight confusion.
“Hey! Turn around!”
Ranpo’s voice was chipper this time around. Usually the other sounded bored out of his mind whenever he called Dazai and that was usually to cure said boredom with a game or riddle over the phone. However the comment did make Dazai slowly turn his head, looking behind him with narrowed eyes. His eyes darted around trying to figure out just what the hell he was supposed to be looking at. That was when things finally clicked in his head and he was staring at the short black hair and fair complexion of his older cousin who was barreling towards him with someone taller running after him. Dazai was quick to hang up the phone and duck out of the way, anything to avoid his guitar from being damaged. That was the last thing he needed.
“Hey! Just what are you doing here? Don’t you have a little twerp on the way or something like that?” Ranpo asked, stopping just in time before any contact was made. It was just enough to give Dazai a mini heart attack which made the shorter man grin at.
“I uh… Misuki yes. She was born today but…” Dazai started, speaking rather slowly as he tried to find his words. He really didn’t know how to fully explain himself without sounding like a complete asshole.
“Let me guess you’re scared.” Ranpo said rather bluntly that it even threw Dazai off guard, “Dad said that he was worried that this would happen…”
Dazai blinked. He couldn’t help it as his heart lurked in his chest. He knew that Mori was going to be disappointed in him but he thought his uncle had a bit more faith in him then that. It hurt… more than he thought it would if he was being completely honest. He opened his mouth, his voice was quiet as he finally spoke up.
“I just… They’d be better off without me. Chuuya’s strong. He’ll find someone so much better to be Misuki’s other parent.” He could have anyone else that was for sure… Chuuya was attractive and he knew it too. He was a raging inferno and could draw anyone in so easily if he wanted to. It happened with Dazai no matter how much they fought and bickered at first.
“Well I-”
“Ranpo…” Another voice spoke up, completely out of breath. There was a taller man who finally fell behind Ranpo, placing his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath, “Don’t go running off… You know I can’t keep up all that well…”
“Oh hey Poe.” Dazai said, finally realizing who the individual was. It made more sense now as to how Ranpo found his way here in the first place. Of course he’d dragged his poor boyfriend with him to take the train into Tokyo all for the sweets. “Anyway can you…. Please not tell your dads that you saw me… I’d rather not have them figure it out and drag me back.”
“Oh no, your secret's safe with me. I could care less but dad on the other hand. He’s already looking for you. He just hasn’t called you yet because he knows you’d freak out. Or he could be waiting for you to come back on your own.” Ranpo suggested as he dug around in his back pocket some, pulling out a few banknotes and offering it to Dazai, “I know you have your whole music thing but don’t go hungry.”
Dazai blinked, his mouth agape for a second. He was shocked. Usually Ranpo didn’t part with money or his sweets. His lips pulled up into a small smile as he took the banknotes and shoved them into his back pocket, giving his cousin a hug despite his own detestment towards the affection.
I hate to say it
But your sister was right
Don't trust English boys
With far too much free time
There was no call from Mori. There was no call from Chuuya either. Yosano had messaged him, probably having heard the news either from her father or brother. Dazai found himself in Kyoto around 6pm. The message from Yosano was a mix of comfort and a lecture. He was just thankful that she decided against calling at first, not fully ready to hear it from her mouth directly. However it was nice actually, talking to his older cousin as she tried to sympathize with him. She didn’t blame him… well not fully anyway. It was only a few minutes into texting that his phone rang in his hands, Yosano’s contact photo illuminating his face in the dimly lit station as he waited for his next train. He had half a mind not to pick up before he realized it was best to just rip off the bandaid now.
“Yes Yosano?” He asked as he clicked the accept call button, “I’m ready for my lecture.”
There was a small sigh that came from the other end of the phone. Yosano’s voice was surprisingly quiet, “I’m not going to lecture you… I just want to understand what the hell happened. You have no idea how much I’ve been hearing about it from dad!”
“Not much to tell…” Dazai said before there was a small pause. He swallowed before a small exhale escaped his parted lips, “Okay… okay… maybe… a lot happened.”
“You two have a fight? Mori told me that Kouyou told him that Chuuya did kick you out.”
Dazai blinked a bit at that, chewing on his bottom lip until he started to taste blood. It was nice to know that things had started to spread that fast and that now Kouyou was in the loop. Now he really wasn’t going back to Yokohama. She’d murder him if he took one step in that house before Chuuya even had a chance.
“No… no fight.. well not exactly. I just… I don’t think I’ll be that good of a dad. That I’m no different from my mother and that it just be best for everyone if I just wasn’t around to fuck her up.” Dazai admitted, his voice growing a bit quiet as he spoke. His gaze flickering down to the floor even though there was no gaze to be met. He still couldn’t help but feel ashamed.
“And just where those thoughts are coming from?” Yosano asked, which made Dazai lean his head back against the wall. Sometimes he forgot that she had a psychology degree and was now using it yo her advantage against him.
“Cousin to cousin time. Don't try to psychoanalysis me.” Dazai couldn’t help but whine out which drew a chuckle out of Yosano, “I’m serious though… I’ll tell you everything if you promise not to and… not to tell anyone.”
There was a small hum in acknowledgement from the other end of the phone. Dazai let out a small exhale, trying to stop his free hand from shaking. Not even Chuuya knew what was going on behind the scenes; mainly for his own sake as Dazai didn’t want to stress him out more than what he already was during the last few months.
“Bad brain towards the end cause I was… thinking about my mom and what she did… Thought I was gonna do the same so I just decided to leave before I could actually hurt her… I decided that after I found out I couldn’t propose to Chuuya…” Dazai started as he picked at the loose bits of fabric on his pants. It was an easy way to ground and distract himself all at once, “I know I could’ve just asked Kouyou but Paul… I felt like I had something to prove with him. I tried… I was good. I was attentive and so excited but apparently that wasn’t enough. He was still going to see me as a problem. A mistake that his brother made… and a little bastard. So I just decided to stop trying and made the decision that I just wasn’t good enough.”
There was a long pause between the two as the words sunk in. Yosano’s voice being heard from the other end of the phone as a small sigh escaped her. “You know he’s wro-“
“He’s right though… Yosano, he was right. He is right…” Dazai started as his voice broke and cracked, “I fucked up and I know I did. I know Chuuya’s pissed and I know he doesn’t want to see me. I hurt him and I don’t…”
“Why don’t you come home?” Yosano suggested, her voice was gentle with a hint of worry as she spoke, “Being home in Shibuya surrounded by family would do you some good. Especially now.”
Dazai shook his head as if Yosano could actually see him. He was a disappointment. He knew that. Why in the hell would they want him back?! There was a long exhale that escaped through his nose as he tried to recollect himself, his voice was still cracked as he spoke, “No… I need to figure a few things out on my own… Just on my own… I know you’re a call away and I appreciate that. I really do…”
“Osamu…” Yosano started. It took her a moment to regain her thoughts and figure out just what she wanted to say, “Just… be safe out there and… regardless what you may think, you are welcome back home anytime.”
There was a small smile that tugged on the corner of his mouth. It was the first genuine smile he had in the last few hours. He really did appreciate his family, even if in the back of his mind he thought they were being too kind to him. The sound of a few beeps and the screeching of brakes was enough to make him jolt slightly. No doubt his train to Wakayama abd he knew Yosano could hear it too.
“You better take care of yourself. I’ll come and get you!” Yosano hissed out in a warning which Dazai knew she was serious, “Keep me and Ranpo updated. Please.”
“I will.” Dazai said, waiting for the call to end before he shoves his phone back into his pocket.
He boarded the train and slipped into a seat, leaning his head back against it as the train started to pull away from the station. He wasn’t alone in the car with a few other souls that were traveling, trying to make their way home before it got too terribly late.
His heart lurked in his chest at that thought. Everyone else was going home while he was running away from it. His mind couldn’t help but wander back to good memories in some futile attempt to make him feel better. They only made him feel worse as he pictured a laughing redhead with bright blue eyes, even though he knew that up close there were specks of gray in them. He could map out every freckle on that body, knowing how far they went and he would do it all over again… but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. Not again.
He hadn’t just lost his boyfriend or his potential fiancé. He had lost his best friend. His partner in crime for the last 3 years and it was completely his fault. He had no one to blame but himself. He was a solo act now and even though he had joked about it plenty of times before…. He nearly forgot what it was like to hear the sound of his single set of strings.
And I hate to say it
But your sister was right
I'm nothing but a problem
Leave you crying overnight
Dazai had tried to get some sleep, however it didn’t seem to want to come to him. He could blame many things for it… The way the train car rattled down the track or the way the lights flashed, coming and going as they traveled. He had tried to block out the noises with his own music in his ears. He glanced at his phone, seeing the time that now read 9:42pm. His eyes stared at the picture that served as his lock screen once again, staring at the picture of him and Chuuya. He didn’t know what compelled him as he unlocked his phone and scrolled through his camera roll… There wasn’t much. He wasn’t really the one to take pictures but what he did have was precious to him.
This would’ve been their first night as a family with the crib that Dazai had very stubbornly put together on his own being used for the first time. Chuuya would be home at this point. He knew that the redhead wasn’t going to stay in the hospital and probably demanded to be discharged as soon as it was possible. That was just how he was and that’s probably how he would stay… Dazai could never see Chuuya actually dimming that fire in his eyes. He hoped so anyway as he found himself scrolling through photos and videos, stopping on one in particular. It was a rather grumpy Chuuya laying on his lap with the camera angled just over his head.
“You sleepy?”
Dazai could hear his own voice coming from the phone followed by a small displeased grumble in response that made him smile ever so slightly. He watched as the redhead shifted some, making the camera move. Bluish-gray eyes flickered up to meet the person beyond the camera, staring up at him with heavy lidded eyes that longed for sleep.
“Yeah…” Chuuya whined back which was completely out of character for him but Dazai knew how tired he had been.
“Then go to sleep.”
Dazai smirked a bit to himself as he saw Chuuya’s expression change. His upper lip twitched in a small snarl before he flipped the camera off and snuggled into his lap. He watched as the video ended. He scrolled a few more times, picturing zooming past his vision before it started to blur along the corners. He blinked his eyes, trying to stop the tears from starting but it was too late.
He swallowed past the lump forming in his throat. He was supposed to be home. He was supposed to be with his boyfriend and his baby. They’d be in bed at this point or trying to get Misuki to settle in for the night. He found himself curling in on himself, his knees pressed against his chest as he tried to stop the sobs from breaking from his lips. He sniffled. The emotions finally settled into his chest. He had been trying so hard to avoid it. If he could’ve just got through this day that he would be better off and things would be a bit easier.
He swallowed again, trying to collect himself, his mind started to wander. He needed to calm down, reaching over and unzipping his guitar from its case, slowly uncurling from the fetal position he had put himself in so he could hold the instrument properly. He took a deep breath, trying to take his time to relax before he strummed out a few chords. He didn’t know why his mind went to the song he had played almost a million times before over the last 8 months. His fingers practically glided across the strings. He could already find himself starting to calm down as he started to hum along with the song.
His brows knitted together, wondering if Chuuya still had the video of the first time he had played it and if he was using it to help Misuki fall asleep tonight. No doubt she’d be stubborn about it… Just like Chuuya. He wondered if she was crying. His heart broke at the thought, thinking back to when he heard her cry that morning.
He could feel his eyelids start to grow heavy and his fingers became slow in their movements. He could feel himself start to nod off as the train came to a stop. The screeching of the brakes was enough to wake him up long enough to realize that a few passers by had thrown a few banknotes into the open case. It was nice to see that there were still a few good people out there.
And I hate to say it
But your sister was right
I can't focus on the future only my short sight
It had been three weeks now… even though it felt so much longer. The message that Dazai received from Odasaku that morning had caught him a bit off guard; Chuuya had asked about him. He was worried about him and for a moment Dazai almost thought about texting him until he realized that the redhead had probably changed his number. He knew he could always ask Oda but then again… those two weren’t as close to Chuuya as he was to them and he highly doubted that the redhead wanted to hear from him. It was probably some sort of plea; an attempt to get him to come crawling back to Yokohama with his tail between his legs… Dazai had a stubborn streak. It was rare but he had gotten this far and he wasn’t going to risk the chance of tainting his daughter with his presence. No matter how many times he had thought about going back he kept himself going, moving further and further away.
He found himself in Hiroshima as he waited for his exchange order. He had just enough for one more month until he had to firmly stick around somewhere a bit more unless he had managed to get enough money from playing to people passing by on the street. He was managing well for himself and updating Ango and Odasaku as to where he was but… His mind always wandered back to home, especially when he heard a baby’s cry echo out in the station. He couldn’t help but think back to his daughter and had somewhat regretted not taking a picture of her through the glass of the nursery but then again… He knows what would’ve happened if he did.
Misuki had a bright future ahead of her. He had no doubt about it. It just had to be without him in her life and he hoped that she could find it in her heart someday to understand… She didn’t have to forgive him but he at least hoped that she knew just how much her daddy loved her. Brown eyes started to gloss over and grow watery the more he thought about it. It wasn’t too late… He could go back. His heart ached to go back but his mind was a cruel mistress to him. It always has been, making him fully and honestly believe that this was the best course of action.
Dazai let his fingers travel across the strings of his guitars. He had hummed out the chords and tested them out, muttering the lyrics under his breath and keeping whatever bit of scrap paper, booklets, and napkins he had haphazardly written on. He didn’t know how he had managed to piece this together but he did even though it was hard. His first actual song that was without Chuuya… the first one in a long time. Of course it was to the redhead that had stolen his heart almost the moment they locked eyes back when they were 15 years old.
I hate to say it
But your sister was right
I'm a wanker
Complete wanker
“A fucking waste of time…”