Chapter Text
As Ayaka and Lumine make their way through Chinju Forest, absently chatting, Ayaka finds herself dwelling on the events of the day. Having the bravery to request the Traveler's presence in the first place, going through all of the effort of preparing to meet Tsubaki, discovering new things about both herself and her mother... while overwhelming, she wouldn't trade it for the world. As she adjusts the mask on her head to keep it in place, she finds herself glancing over at Lumine, walking alongside her, and a smile comes unbidden to her lips; even just looking at the Traveler is enough to kickstart the butterflies in her stomach.
This in mind, is it really any surprise at all that Ayaka has a crush on her? It really should have taken Ayaka less time to realize, but she doesn't exactly have much experience in this field. The thought still inspires anxiety within the Shirasagi Himegimi, a constant internal argument bubbling up as she ponders whether or not to say anything about it.
As her thoughts begin to wear upon her, her eyes land upon a small pond, and instantly, she knows what she has to do. Sure, it's impulsive, and reckless, and arguably embarrassing, but she can't bring herself to care. She hops into the water, catching Lumine's attention with a little giggle at her own actions. She draws her fan from within her sleeve, and snaps it open, eyes resting upon Lumine, watching her reaction.
"Please, keep your eyes on me," Ayaka whispers, a soft prayer, barely audible over the gentle sound of the breeze. Uncaring of the coolness of the water, she closes her eyes and focuses, exhaling slowly before beginning an elegant dance, one practiced hundreds of times, made an icon of perfection not by technique, but by the emotion she pours into it; the way she values Lumine, how much being her friend means to her, the sheer joy seeing the Traveler's golden locks brings, the butterflies the Traveler causes Ayaka to experience, Ayaka's recent revelation regarding her own feelings... all of these and more are on display for Lumine through Ayaka's dance, her body moving gracefully through the water.
Before long, the dance concludes, and as Ayaka's chest heaves from exertion, she meets Lumine's gaze, and offers a shy smile, uncaring of the fact that her feet are soaked, and the humidity in the air is uncomfortable, and Paimon was watching too; all she cares to see is the way Lumine is focused on her with rapt attention, her own small smile betraying the fact that she enjoyed Ayaka's dance, a fact that makes the bluenette feel like she could almost explode with joy.
Unfortunately, as with all things, this, too, must come to an end.
Reality comes crashing back in as she suddenly takes notice of her drenched socks, and she frowns slightly as she steps out of the pool, shaking one of her feet; the silence is broken by Lumine's amused voice. "Yeah, that can't be comfortable, can it?" Ayaka aims a small pout in Lumine's direction, and before the both of them know it, they've both broken into giggles, the tension of the moment breaking instantly. Once their laughing has died down, Ayaka's amused expression shifts into a rueful smile, sighing quietly. "I suppose I should... return home, now. But this has been absolutely wonderful, Lumine, truly." She finds that she's never been so honest about a statement in her life; even now, looking back at the memories of the festival they've shared fills her with an unshakable warmth, even with their inevitable separation looming over both of them, the one dark spot in her sky full of shimmering lights.
"Yeah, we should get going too... but this was really nice, Ayaka!" Paimon chirps, and Lumine nods in agreement; for a moment, Ayaka spots something in Lumine's eyes, an emotion that she can't put a name to, and she has to fight back the hope rising in her traitorous heart. Instead, she smiles sadly at the Traveler and her companion, trying her best to not give away the war inside her. One side, screaming at her to run over and hug Lumine, the other reminding her that she has a reputation to uphold, she has tasks to carry out, a responsibility she can't abdicate; none of this conflict shows on her face, and, slowly, Lumine is the first to turn away, beginning to head back the way they came.
Ayaka goes to turn as well, and suddenly, her entire brain has been united in the same thought: if she doesn't confess right now, she'll never have this chance again. She prides herself on her strength, and notable amount of willpower, but not even that is enough to make her begin her trek back to the Estate. Instead, she sets her shoulders, squares her jaw, and turns back towards Lumine, running to catch up with her. "Wait, Lumine!" She calls out as she runs, causing the Traveler to turn, eyes widening in surprise. "Yeah, Ayaka? What's wrong?" Worry laces her tone, and instantly, the butterflies in Ayaka's stomach kick into overdrive, making themselves present in virtually world-record amounts.
The Shirasagi Himegimi struggles to find her words for a moment, which only makes Lumine more worried; the Traveler makes eye contact with Paimon momentarily, and a hand gesture from the former has the faerie disappearing into whatever plane of existence she normally resides within. The sudden solitude elicits mixed emotions from Ayaka, both relief at not having to say this in front of someone else, and absolute dread at the fact that she's completely committed to this now. Her voice shakes just a little as she says, "I have something important to tell you. I believe you deserve to know."
Lumine blinks in surprise, but she offers a reassuring smile, nodding for Ayaka to continue. "You know you can tell me anything, Ayaka."
Apprehension sits heavily in Ayaka's stomach as she lets out a slow breath, unwilling (or perhaps unable) to meet Lumine's eyes, knowing that she'll fall apart if she sees the warm kindness she knows is reflected within that golden gaze. She digs deep within herself, finding the well of courage she often relies upon when taking on the Shirasagi Himegimi role, and, with as much determination as she can muster, she speaks up, voice trembling with a mix of sheer emotion and overwhelming anxiety.
"Lumine, I... I cannot say that I have much experience with these feelings, but... I believe I love you. Every moment I see you is one I am thankful for, and I desire nothing more than your company for as long as you are willing to give it. I care deeply for you, more deeply than I can recall feeling for most others. You allow me to be myself, and I cannot thank you enough for that privilege."
As soon as she gets the words out, just from the look on Lumine's face, every single one of Ayaka's worst fears comes true. She's suddenly 9 years old again, suffering through the loss of her mother, watching the look of pity on everyone else's faces as she passes by. She's 15 again, watching Ayato look at her sadly as she struggles with a sword technique. She's 21, staring at the face of the woman she loves as it contorts into something resembling regret, despair, and embarrassment. Ayaka's vision tunnels, and she barely catches any of the words Lumine speaks, but she doesn't need to in order to know what she's saying. The same sentiment everyone else expresses.
Her desires aren't enough. Ayaka can't be selfish. She's supposed to give all of herself for everyone else, never asking for anything of her own, never asking to be loved in return, carrying the burden of everyone else's wishes on her shoulders, never faltering.
Lumine says, "I'm sorry, Ayaka," and Ayaka doesn't hear it.
A cursory goodbye, and an apologetic bow of her head, and Ayaka's heading back towards the Estate, head bent low, silver grey eyes watching the ground pass by as unconscious steps carry her through the Estate gates. She doesn't even have the presence of mind to thank the Archons for the lack of presence of other people, so caught up in her own thoughts, her own self-loathing, her desire to just make everything stop for once, that when she reaches her room, she stands there for a minute or two. She snaps back to reality briefly, entering her room and sliding the door closed behind her, the feeling of the cold wood beneath her fingers grounding her, if only for a moment.
She doesn't even bother changing out of her kimono before collapsing onto the tatami mat, uncaring of the harsh jolt the impact sends through her bones. Numbness setting in, tears begin to roll down Ayaka's face, and she doesn't care to stop them.
A caged bird, never to know freedom, or the light of day.