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She’s 4 years old when it happens.
She’s too young to know what’s going on other than the fact that there there are scary men outside, tall and broad, painting the desert with bullets as they run and scream at each other. Miss Melanie keeps them all hidden away as best as she can. A few of the older kids murmur about one of the men—the one in a white shirt stained with sand and a jacket full of holes. They think he had been a kid at the orphanage once, too, but she doesn’t understand how. He’s an adult. He’s an adult with a gun shaped like a cross and he’s fighting in a blur of black and red with a man whose hair is two different colors. In a different situation, she thinks she’d want to tell him his hair was cool and that his red jacket was pretty. But right now, she’s being ushered away onto a ship as the man who was once an orphan and the man in red take a seat on the couch outside the orphanage. Miss Melanie has a bag she opens, spilling colorful paper into the sky while telling them that Nico-nii is home. Some of the kids cry, and some just watch the confetti drift down into specks of color. There’s a terrible noise, the worst scream she’s ever heard—it’s not like when one of the kids fell down and hurt their knee, it’s not like when a kid first gets to the orphanage and cries and cries until their throat grows raw as though they swallowed mouthfuls of sand. She doesn’t like it, so she turns her head into Miss Melanie's skirt and hides her tears.
She’s 5 years old when she sees the man in red again.
There’s a big cross outside the orphanage now with a grave. She knows it means death, but she doesn’t know who’s in it. Miss Melanie does, and so does Livio. He apparently used to be an orphan here once, too, but now he’s an adult who helps take care of all of them and keep them safe. She likes Livio’s smile with crinkled eyes and the different voices he uses when he reads stories to them. But the man in red doesn’t have his two-tone hair anymore. It’s all black like a starless sky. When he arrives, he sits down next to the grave with his back to the orphanage. Livio tells everyone to stay inside for a bit, and even though they whine, they listen to him. But Livio stands at the window, watching the man. She wants to look, too, but Miss Melanie sets up a game for the kids to play so she gets distracted. It’s later when the man in red comes into the orphanage, following Livio into their home. He smiles at them, but she still thinks he looks sad. Maybe it’s the hair. The edges of his eyes are bright red like he’s been crying. She knows that because her eyes look like that sometimes after she cries, too. The man in red sits with Livio in the corner of the dining room and eats. And eats. He eats so much and almost looks happy.
She’s 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 years old and the man in red comes by every single year.
Every time he comes by, he opens up a little bit more to the kids by playing with them, just letting them climb on him and laugh as he makes funny noises. Every time he leaves, Livio asks him to stay. The man in red never sticks around for long. Just the same day every year, he comes by, sits at the grave, talks to Livio, eats with him, and disappears back out into the desert. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to think about this, so it just becomes part of her life like birthdays.
She’s 12 years old when she overhears a conversation not meant for her ears.
For the first time, the man in red introduces himself to the kids. His name is Vash, and she thinks that’s a fitting name for him. She cannot explain why, but it suits him and his windswept appearance. After dinner, she’s restless and walking around the halls of the orphanage when she hears voices. She stops. She listens. “Vash, I don’t think Nico wanted you to be like this.” It’s Livio’s voice. “And he wouldn’t have wanted me to put the kids in danger either.” It’s the man in red—Vash. But she’s never heard that name before. She wonders who Nico is. Maybe she can ask Livio or Miss Melanie sometime. “I don’t know what he wanted.” It’s Vash who speaks again, but it ends in a choked sound like he wants to cry. She takes a step back. Livio speaks again. “He wanted you, and for you to be happy.” She takes another step back, and there’s a terrible sound. Such an awful sound like that day when she was 4 years old, and she runs.
She’s 18 years old when Vash stops coming by.
The only reason she knows it’s the day the man in red is supposed to be there is because Livio takes up his watch by the window. He waits and waits, and when the kids try to bother him, Miss Melanie pulls them away. And when they try again, she pulls them away. She’s decided to take over for Miss Melanie as their caretaker needs to retire soon. Livio takes her under his wing as well, showing her the ropes around the orphanage, even though she knows most of it better than anyone else by virtue of growing up here since she was a baby. They’ve gotten to know each other well enough that she asked Livio about the grave one day. “Who’s buried there?” “A friend of mine.” “Why does the man in red come every year?” “To talk to him.” She doesn’t fully understand, but she’s still young and has time to learn. When darkness sweeps over the sky, Livio finally moves from his post at the window and startles when he sees her there. He just shoots one of those broad smiles and tells her to go to bed, but the smile was as empty as the man in red when he laughed with the kids.
She’s 25 years old when the Vash returns.
He shows up late in the day when the night already creeps over them. There’s something unsettling about his appearance this time. His hair has grown long, past his shoulders. It’s a little messy, and there’s a stain of blood on the white shirt he’s wearing under his ever-present red coat. Livio runs outside, and she follows because she doesn’t know what else to do. She figures she can help. But she stops when she watches Vash collapse into Livio’s arms and cry, those awful wretching sobs that make her skin crawl as though she will never feel the pleasure of warmth on her skin again. She leaves them be and goes back inside until Livio asks her to bring some clean sheets to an empty room later. Just as she’s about to knock, she hears their voices. “I thought maybe you had moved on,” Livio says. There’s a humorless laugh. It’s Vash. “As every year passes, I realize that I can’t.” A pause. “I thought staying away would help, but I couldn’t remember what his hands felt like anymore. I panicked. I got into a fight on the way, I just knew I had to get here—“ He’s crying again, so she just leaves the sheets outside the door.
She’s somewhere in her 30s when Vash starts to come by every other year, and sometimes, even every two years.
There are lines on his face now, evidence that he does laugh and smile settling into his skin as he gets older. He keeps his hair short but spiked. One year, he sits next to the grave with a cigarette between his lips as the smoke curls up and away from him. When he comes inside later, Livio shakes his head at him. “They’re terrible for your health, you know.” Vash just laughs. “I used to tell him the same thing.”
She’s 50 years old when Vash shows up for Livio’s retirement party.
It’s less a retirement and more of her telling him he cannot keep doing this if he throws out his back one more time trying to offer kids piggyback rides. There’s a nice house in the town below the orphanage they managed to secure for him, so Livio will still be close by. It’s been a few years since Vash visited, and she gasps quietly upon seeing that the dark hair has started to turn grey at his temples. “Aging gracefully as ever.” Livio jokes and ruffles his hair, making Vash frown but he laughs nonetheless. “Not all of us have naturally grey hair,” Vash grumbles in his response. Later that night, the two of them go to the grave with a bottle of whiskey in their hand. Vash grabbed it from Livio before they left, inspecting the label with hardened eyes. When they both finally stumble into the orphanage, drunk as can be, she hears them speak one more time. “You sure you don’t want to finally settle somewhere, Vash? I have a spare room.” Vash sighs. “I once thought maybe I could settle down. There was enough of a lull where I forgot everything and thought, yeah, maybe. But then the universe reminded me that that kind of life is for other people.” Now it’s Livio who sighs. “You both deserved that life. I’m sorry.” There’s the distinct sound of someone being smacked upside the head, and then Livio gasps. “What was that for?” Vash replies, teasing. “I told you to stop apologizing.”
She’s supposed to be thinking about retirement when Vash arrives in the middle of the night.
It’s one of those restless nights where she can’t sleep. They’ve haunted her across the years, no matter her age. She seems to be having more of those now as she gets older, so she decided to take a walk around the orphanage. When she rounds the corner back to the courtyard, she sees him like a demon crouched next to the grave wearing all black. She gasps, barely covering her mouth in fear, but it’s enough for him to hear and look up. Her bounding heart settles when she realizes it’s Vash. “Oh.” His eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to scare you!” He calls out. She takes a few steps closer, getting the closest she’s ever been to him. In the dark, he looks younger, but then he turns his head and the moonlight hits him at an angle that shows just how time has chipped away at his handsome face. He’s still attractive but in a weathered way. “I just wanted to come one last time.” She frowns. “Should I go get Livio?” Vash shakes his head. “No, it’s alright. It’s better this way. Just, give me some time, okay?” She nods. “Of course.” And she goes back to the window where Livio would keep watch. She falls asleep on the chair there. When she wakes up, the sun is rising and there’s a blanket laid over her shoulders with no sign of Vash anywhere. The thick cloth feels heavier than it should.
She’s not sure how old she is anymore when he doesn’t come back again.
Her life is full of brightness and joy taking care of the kids, and doing as much as she can to help them grow and love and laugh. She doesn’t know the last time she celebrated a birthday, and that’s okay. She has plenty of other birthdays to celebrate. The date on the calendar doesn’t strike her at first, but then she remembers. It’s the day that the man in red comes by. But he doesn’t this year. It doesn’t feel like those years in the middle where he wouldn’t come by—this felt more definite. Like the last time when he sat down slowly on the sand next to the grave was his last—didn’t he say as much? But she doesn’t want to believe it. Vash is part of her life even though he may not realize it. Like Livio used to do, she stands at the window looking over the courtyard and waits and waits but he never shows. The kids pull at her skirt and yank her away, but she always drifts back. After they’re all put to bed and the moons hang high in the sky, she goes outside. One foot in front of the other until she’s next to the grave. She sits down where Vash always sat, facing away from the orphanage. He used to talk to the grave, but she has no idea what to say. “I’m sorry he didn’t come this year. I’m sure he wanted to.” She hugs her knees close to her as she whispers. Out of the corner of her eye, just below the grave, there’s something peeking out. She moves forward. It’s a flower. A red flower blooms from the bottom of the grave. She doesn’t know how or why, but it feels like a miracle.