Work Text:
Everyday I feel the same
Stuck and I could never change
The time has escaped my mind in the dead of light. Asra is long asleep in our bed while I’m downstairs trying for the hundredth time today to conjure anything from my powerless hands. How could Asra make it look so easy for waterfalls to slip from his fingertips while I can barely make my palms sweat--although that’s a feat most people already possess.
“ Try Again .” The words pound at my head with the force of a . . . with the force of a . . . I try to think of something heavy enough to produce the migraine in my head, but words fail me. Just another reminder of how utterly useless I am. Ever since I woke up a couple of months ago, I had to learn how to be human again; how to walk, speak, eat. Although I got back on my feet pretty quickly, my memories and knowledge have escaped me.
Sucked into a black balloon
Spat into an empty room
As I look around me, despite all of the full shelves and compartments, I feel empty. I wonder again where my friends and family are--if they miss me or have they long forgotten little ol’ me? Of course, Asra is still with me. Sometimes I think that the only reason he hasn’t abandoned me is because he was the one who found me. If anything happened to me, he would place the blame upon himself.
Was it really worth it?
Did I really deserve it?
But then again, I am somewhat capable of taking care of myself by now. If he didn’t want anything to do with me, he could have kicked me out as soon as I learned basic human abilities. Do I deserve any of his hospitality? His kindness is overwhelming at times. He must have cared a lot for me in the past. Did I care about him too? Were we more than just friends? I rack my brain for answers before another headache ensues.
It happens when you're hurtin'
And cut me at the surface of my heart
I have to let the past go to move forward--that much I know. I feel pathetic. How can I forget people who meant so much to me? I feel tears swell up in my eyes and blink rapidly to stop them from falling. I don’t deserve the luxury of crying. In my heart, I can feel that I don’t belong here. As if I’m not supposed to be in this world.
I'm living dead, dead, dead, dead
Only alive, live, live, live
When I pretend, tend, tend, tend
That I have died, died, died, died, died, died
Though I don’t exactly want to die, I don’t exactly want to be alive either--it just feels wrong . Asra still hasn’t told me how I lost all my memories. Maybe it was a near-death experience. Maybe I shouldn’t have lived. The tears are back, and I don’t even try to stop them this time.
Got bubble wrap around my heart
Waiting for my life to start
But everyday it never comes
Permanently at square one
I have tried so hard. Maybe tomorrow is the day . I find myself repeating that to me daily. It used to be enough. The prospect of being able to get back even an ounce of my magical abilities was enough. Only knowing one person from my past life was enough. Trying was enough. But now, I don’t know anymore. Every step forwards is several steps backward.
When it's late at night
I'm so dissatisfied
The weight of an empty life
I hate who I am. I hate how dependent on Asra I am. I hate how scared I am to leave the shoppe and face other people. I hate how I can’t do anything right. “I just want to be enough,” I sob out loud. I hear footsteps pounding down the stairs, which only fuel my self-hatred. Who am I to worry Asra this late into the night?
“Y/N!” I hear him shout. I don’t dare to turn my body, not ready to face him. “Y/N!” he shouts again, this time with a mixture of concern and . . . excitement? I force myself to look behind me and see the candles on the counter in flames before being extinguished by Asra. . . . Did I do that?
“Y/N,” he says one more time, much softer. “You did it.”
“But I--how? I wasn’t even thinking of fire?” Words again fail me, but this time, there’s no sadness behind the silence.
“You must have been angry then,” he mumbles, thinking out loud. Noticing the confusion on my face, he hesitates before explaining, “Your intuition was the best I ever got to witness. You were very in tune with how you felt and were able to conjure rain when you were sad, sunshine when you were happy, and fire-” he gestures to the now burnt candles, “-when you were angry.”
“I was able to do all of that?”
“No, you are able to do that. You just have to learn to trust yourself again, and then you can convert your energy into a physical manifestation like tonight.”
It’s a long time before either of us says anything. I’m not hopeless? I feel tears well up again, except this time I don’t try to stop them. “I’m not useless, Asra.”
He frowns and pulls me close to his chest, “You never were, Y/N. You just needed some guidance.”
“And that’s okay,” I whisper. For the first time since I’ve woken up, it all feels okay. Though my despairing thoughts will take quite a while to disappear, I’m willing to try again. And again--for however long it takes for me to be me again.
“And that’s okay,” Asra whispers as he places a gentle kiss on my forehead.