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"I'm innocent," is the first thing the dishevelled demon who broke into Wolfwood's home says.
Outside of the broken window, sirens blare as police cars race by, painting the demon's face in splatters of red and blue. All the noise and colours should make the demon on the floor look even more guilty, they should remind Wolfwood, the Eye of Michael's best exorcist, of who he is, what he has done—
— but instead, all they do is highlight the doe-eyed desperation on such a pretty face.
(And Wolfwood was doomed from the start.)
Wolfwood learns two things.
- The demon has a name.
- The demon currently holds the world record of the highest bounty to ever exist.
"It's complicated," Vash the Stampede, a demon with a bounty of sixty billion double dollars, tells him with a sheepish smile on his face. He winces right after when Wolfwood makes an effort to press the soaked cloth onto his wound harder.
"I'm sure it is," Wolfwood drawls, careful to keep that apathetic undertone in his voice, and still, Vash beams at him with a smile that rivals the sun.
Sixty billion double dollars is a lot for such a smiley guy, Wolfwood reaches down to grab another non-stick pad, "but it's hollow."
Vash's smile drops an almost imperceptible amount. "What?"
"Your smile, needle noggin." Wolfwood's words aren't shouted out, but they're as loud as if they were. This isn't the thrill that usually runs rampant in his veins when he's treading on thin ice, baiting his opponent. "Feels forced. It creeps me out."
"... Oh," Vash says in a tiny voice. "But I really am thankful—"
"Save it for someone who cares, tongari," Wolfwood retorts, standing up. "I'll bring you some food, so stay put. I'm not gonna play nurse again if you reopen a wound."
He doesn't give Vash any time to protest, slamming the bathroom door shut and even locking it for good measure. Wolfwood runs a hand through his hair while he processes what he has just done.
Exorcists don't let demons— or any otherworldly beings, for that matter— into their homes. Not ones that are worth their salt, anyway.
Fuck. Wolfwood all but drags his feet to the kitchen where his phone lies dormant on the marble counter. He sighs, and with enough bad grace to make a sinner shiver, he calls his least favourite person in this entire world.
After five consecutive rings of hopeless noise, Wolfwood picks his phone up and aggressively shakes it. "Fuck you, you damn bastard, why did I even—"
"What is it."
Oh. Wolfwood's mouth stops spewing curses and hangs agape for a few seconds before he recomposes himself. "Vash the Stampede is locked in my bathroom," he settles on saying, getting straight to the point.
The silence on the other end of the phone is unnerving. Never has Wolfwood seen the Millions Knives, forever in power and control, speechless.
"You there, boss?" Wolfwood looks back at the bathroom door. "Because I don't know what I should fucking do. Try to exorcise him when he has his guard down?"
"No." Knives immediately shuts that idea down with his authoritative tone. "This is what you'll do."
Wolfwood learns two more things.
- The demon is his insane boss's twin.
- He'll be having a new roommate.
"You... want me to stay? Even though I'm a demon?" Vash looks up at him with those freakishly blue eyes. Wolfwood's entire stock of cup noodles is all gone because of this guy, and it's taking everything in him not to exorcise the demon right here and now.
Not that he's sure he even can. Knives is the strongest demon Wolfwood knows, so it only makes sense for his twin brother who has a sixty billion double dollars bounty to be equally as strong, right?
Vash starts crying tears of joy on his couch, and Wolfwood isn't so sure anymore.
"Yeah, well, I'm a man of god," Wolfwood begins, deciding to ignore the flare of his cheeks, "can't just ignore innocent people in need."
All of a sudden, the thankful wailing stops. After a beat of silence, Vash looks down at the floor and asks, "What if I'm not?"
Wolfwood raises an eyebrow at the change of ambience, leaning down into Vash's personal space. "You saying you're not? Should I turn you in for that sixty billion after all?"
When Vash hesitates to answer, Wolfwood sighs and plops down beside him. "That's fine," he turns to give Vash a wolfish grin, "isn't it better to risk saving a guilty person than to condemn an innocent one anyway?"
The words roll off his tongue with scripted ease. It's just another job, Wolfwood reminds himself, watching as Vash’s eyes light up and a small, but realer smile graces his face.
"You're a good guy, aren't you, Wolfwood?" Vash laughs, a sound too soft to exist in Wolfwood's home.
I'm a great guy, Wolfwood wants to lie, but the words just don't make it out of his throat. He doesn't think they ever could, at least not when Vash is looking at him like he really is a good guy. Wolfwood swiftly gets up to throw away all the empty cup noodles. And to get himself away from Vash and his infectious smiles and whatnot.
"Not that good of a guy to let you take my bed," Wolfwood jokes the moment he's out of Vash's line of sight. Although he's not joking. Knives be damned, Wolfwood only loves two things for certain in this world: his Punisher and his bed. "You're sleeping on the couch 'til I get you an inflatable mattress or something."
"That's fine with me!" Vash chirps from the living room.
Wolfwood has known Vash for less than a day, but he's pretty sure Vash would say the same thing if he was told to sleep in the toilet.
Before he could dwell on that thought, his phone lights up with a new message notification.
dickmaster 1000000 [Today: 11:30 PM]
Tomorrow at 6:00 AM, you will receive a parcel containing necessities for Vash.
Ensure that you are awake before that time.
The earliest Wolfwood has woken up in the past month was around 9:00 AM.
(You) [Today: 11:31 PM]
No chance I'm gonna be awake at 6
dickmaster 1000000 [Today: 11:31 PM]
You have no choice.
Annoyed and feeling petty (but when is he not?), Wolfwood changes Knives's contact name from dickmaster 1000000 to the ugly twin and leaves him on read.
When Wolfwood goes back to the living room, he sees Vash lying down on the couch. It's not the perfect fit for his long, lanky limbs that hang over the couch's arm, but Vash doesn't seem to be in any discomfort.
"You good?" Wolfwood asks for good measure.
"Yeah! This couch is heaven compared to where I've been sleeping these last few months, so I won't be picky." Vash waves a reassuring hand with a lighthearted grin, making Wolfwood grit his teeth.
"You are to take care of Vash and gain his trust before delivering him to me," Knives had said over the phone.
Unfortunately for both twins, Wolfwood isn't a demon person. Or a caring person. Or a good person, so without so much as a goodnight, he turns off the lights and stalks off to his bedroom.
The Punisher is wrapped up and propped against the wall, beautiful as ever under the window-seeping moonlight. His moneymaker. His tool of trade. His partner. His murder weapon. Wolfwood reaches out to touch it—
"Wake up, blondie," Wolfwood grumbles, shaking a sleeping Vash’s shoulder with one hand while the other holds the promised 6 AM parcel. "Got a gift for ya."
When Vash starts stirring and mumbling, Wolfwood ceases his shaking and waits for him to open his eyes. It’s weird— being patient for once. With a demon, no less.
"A gift…?" Vash blinks his bleary blue eyes open, sitting up with a yawn.
"Yeah, it’s from—" Wolfwood snaps his mouth shut. He can’t say it’s from his creepy, cult leader brother now, can he? "— the church! And, uh, me."
Vash gently takes the parcel into his own hands. "The church?" he asks, his eyebrows furrowing. "But I’m—"
"I didn’t tell them you were a demon, idiot." Wolfwood sighs in exasperation, like he’s not making this whole thing up on the fly. "Just that you were my new ex-homeless roommate."
"Humans are so kind," Vash says with a smile as he takes out the parcel's contents. Clothes, playing cards, tissues, self care products, a phone... There's a lot.
But what Vash doesn't know is that there was even more that Wolfwood had to take out. He doesn't know if Knives hit his head or just got very sentimental at five in the morning, but why would he put a photo album full of him and Vash as children?
"The church has lots of extra funds, everyone's raving 'bout god these days," Wolfwood says, quickly putting the stuff back inside the care package, except for the phone. "D'ya know how to use a phone, tongari?"
"Not really." Vash holds the phone up, presenting it to Wolfwood. "Will you teach me, Wolfwood?"
"Yeah," Wolfwood agrees after a moment's hesitation, "sure, whatever. You'll only really need to know how to text me if something comes up."
Helping Vash set up his phone was a laborious journey, mainly because the demon wanted to download games and take pictures of Wolfwood and waste time.
After Wolfwood snatched the phone out of Vash's hands and deleted all his unfocussed photos and colourful games, an argument of sorts broke out. Now, they're both on the floor, their backs against opposite sides of the couch.
So annoying. Wolfwood opens a new lollipop as he sends Vash a message.
(You) [Today: 8:53 AM]
Your email is [email protected]
Password's loveandpeace0
He hears Vash sniffle and watches the three dotted bubble go on for seemingly forever.
need-a-noggin [Today: 8:56 AM]
Ok thank you but I dont like tongaridiot and Im still upset
Wolfwood tries not to audibly sigh.
(You) [Today: 8:56 AM]
You're not worth all this trouble, Stampede.
I'll show you how to get the pictures back and redownload the games
Vash brightens the room like a 1000 lumens lamp, and lord, Wolfwood better be getting his bounty after all this.
("Will you also teach me how to change my email name?"
"Fat chance, tongari idiot.")
It's been a week, and Vash is starting to get antsy from being cooped up.
When Wolfwood is out on the job, Vash thinks he's doing priestly acts of kindness and completing undertaker duties. He has no idea of the liters of blood that Wolfwood scrubs away before he comes home.
But he will know, sooner or later, when he’s delivered to Knives on a silver platter by yours truly.
A notification lights up Wolfwood’s phone beside him, and he immediately dries his hands once he sees it’s from Vash.
need-a-noggin [Today: 12:21 PM]
wolfwoooooddddd i’m so boredddd!!! (◞‸◟ㆀ)
please? can’t i just go out for 5 minutes?
Over these last few days, Vash had gotten comfortable using his phone pretty quickly. Soon enough, he discovered kaomojis and also discovered that he likes the way using all lowercase looks.
He's also gotten more demanding in his own weird, Vash way.
(You) [Today: 12:22 PM]
Your wanted poster is on almost every utility pole.
But by all means, go and get yourself knee deep in trouble!
need-a-noggin [Today: 12:23 PM]
no need for the sarcasm!! (╬ Ò ‸ Ó)
but... i really do want to go outside...
Wolfwood sighs. He supposes he, too, would get a little bored if he were confined to his house.
He mulls it over. It would be a good chance to see what Vash was capable of if they did get attacked.
(You) [Today: 12:25 PM]
Alright, fine. I was planning to buy you a mattress today anyway
need-a-noggin [Today: 12:25 PM]
YES!!!!! (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ
i promise i won't cause any trouble!!!!!
(You) [Today: 12:25 PM]
You shouldn't make promises you can't keep, tongari.
Just be ready to go
I'm doing it again. Wolfwood begins wrapping up the Punisher. I'm being an idiot.
"There's so many people," Vash whispers in awe right as they step foot into the store.
"What an astute observation," Wolfwood dryly says, tightening his grip of Vash's wrist. "Just keep your head down, alright?"
Vash mimics zipping his lips and furiously nods. Wolfwood can practically see the golden retriever tail wagging behind him.
They walk around and spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to find the mattress aisle. Vash teases Wolfwood when he comes back from finally giving up and asking an employee, and Wolfwood tells him never has sixty billion double dollars seemed so nice right about now.
"You know, I'd watch it if I were you," Vash bares his sharp teeth, "priests are demons' favourite prey."
"Oh, are they now?" Wolfwood matches the heat thrown at him, paired with a cocky smirk. "Then good thing I'm not a priest, just a man of god."
They bicker like that all the way to the mattress aisle, and really, it's more like fun, aggressive flirting. An old married couple even asks them how long they've been together, which is just hilarious since they've only known each other for a week. Honestly, Wolfwood had to stifle a laugh. Just imagining dating Vash...
And then, the terrible realization dawns on Wolfwood like the rising sun's beams after a long, dark night.
It's actually nice. Being with Vash, that is.
"No," Wolfwood accidentally says it out loud. Vash stops bouncing on a particularly ugly mattress and turns to look at him with a curious tilt of the head.
"No?"
"No," Wolfwood begins, "we are not getting that ugly mattress."
Nicholas D. Wolfwood is a natural born liar with a tongue too fast for his own brain. He is a creation of scarless destruction, he is Nicholas the Punisher—
"It's not ugly! It's nice and comfy!"
"Not even someone who doesn't give two flying fucks about decoration like me would buy that."
(— and he may just be a teeny bit in love.)
They end up going to a nondescript demon bar that Vash knows after buying the mattress, and Wolfwood thinks he might've just jumped the gun with that whole love thing. Vash, although being a demon, is a good guy who's easy to get along with, and Wolfwood has never had a friend before, except Livio, but Livio's his brother.
Long story short: Wolfwood was just confused. He does have feelings for Vash, and the feeling is friendship, not romance.
Right. Now that that's settled— Wolfwood downs another shot, slowly fading back into reality— they can leave this shady place.
"Needle noggin," Wolfwood stands up, albeit wobbly, "let's go now."
"Ehhh? So soon?" Vash whines, face flushed red and hands cradling an empty bottle of vodka. That's not a good sign. "But I'm having such a good time..."
The entire bar bursts into laughter, each and every one of them shitfaced drunk, each and every one of them demons. Wolfwood isn't as bad as Vash, but he's also pretty drunk too. Too drunk for an unarmed exorcist in a bar full of demons.
"Tongari—"
Before Wolfwood could demand they haul ass right out right now, a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist from behind.
"This your little human friend, Vash?" a disdainful voice hums, "how cute, where'd you find him?"
Wolfwood scoffs. Punisher in tow or not, he'll deliver death unto those undeserving of life. Holy words laced with painful mercy on the tip of his tongue, Wolfwood—
In a blink of an eye, Vash is right in front of him, pulling him away from the demon behind him and into his chest. Wolfwood's head spins on contact, his vision going blurrier than before and it's not because of the alcohol.
"You know who he is, don't you?"
When Wolfwood wakes up, he's in his living room on the newly bought mattress with Vash beside him.
It's a lot to register at first. The softest daylight filters through the window Vash had previously broken when they first met. Wolfwood got it replaced the next day, free of cost courtesy to Knives.
After staying deathly still for around ten minutes, Wolfwood carefully switches to a sitting position. Vash starts mumbling, but immediately returns to his soft snores. Fuck. Wolfwood's feelings right now can be conveyed with that one word alone. The Punisher— his Punisher— is propped against the couch, staring right back at Wolfwood.
This time, he doesn't reach out to touch it.
Just stares at his moneymaker, his tool of trade, his partner, his murder weapon.
"You know who he is, don't you?"
Wolfwood's phone lights up beside him, and,
the ugly twin [Today: 6:06 AM]
I'm paying you to trick my brother, not seduce him.
Button up your shirt from now on, Punisher.