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It was not the first time I received a confession. In fact, it was far from it— I had once been so popular that they had become a usual situation in my daily life. Girls mostly, but there had been a couple of guys too. And although it had been a while since someone had last confessed to me, I still remembered the feeling of guilt that used to take hold of me when I was unable to come up with a straight answer for them.
So it shouldn’t have been as much of a surprise as it was to receive yours— we had been closer than most, after all; Tome had more than once warned me of the intention behind your gaze whenever your eyes lingered a little too long upon me, and Serizawa had questioned me before about my feelings towards you. Plus, you were never as discreet with your feelings as you seemed to think you were.
But there you stood, surrounded by blooming cherry blossoms which petals the breeze carried past us, it painted a picturesque scene that took my breath away. Your determined words had fallen upon me like sudden cold rain on a warm summer night, your gaze made me shiver under it like a deer caught in the headlights, and for the first time since I met you I pondered on just how much you had grown.
I was never one for nostalgia, since most of my past was forgotten or swiped under the rug, but you always seemed to bring light to facets of me that even I didn’t know existed. It tasted bittersweet, to think back on that baby-faced boy that came into my consultation office all those years ago, like a breath of fresh air to my suffocating life.
The memory of that bright-eyed kid sent a pang of guilt to my chest, making it constrict on itself painfully. These feelings you harbored for me were a curse you didn’t deserve, a burden you probably never chose to carry. It had tainted you, to lengths I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine.
“I am sorry, Mob,” was the first thing that fell out of my lips. And I was truly sorry, for what I had inflicted upon you knowingly. I was sorry I didn’t prevent it, because I had foolishly hoped it wouldn’t become too much of a burden on you.
But most of all, I was sorry for my egoism, because I must admit that I had enjoyed your undivided attention up until that point, when it became too painful to bear.
“This is my fault,” I admitted, though it seemed it was the wrong truth to speak, for your eyes turned colder as your hand reached towards my own.
I stepped back out of your reach, not wanting to taint you more with my touch.
“Shishou-” and I ached to yank that title out of your mouth, because I was undeserving of it. I should have been a mentor, and nothing else.
“Mob, you have to understand- this isn’t normal,” I tried to reason, “It is not your fault you feel this way, Mob, but mine, and I must correct my wrongdoings-”
I scrambled inside my head for solutions, and found the mere thought of all of them to be painful. But I deserved that pain, for what I had caused.
“You don’t need to keep coming to the office,” I said, and as soon as the words were out I wished I could take them back somehow— but I knew it was what needed to be done.
“Shishou,” You said, somehow with even more conviction than the first time, “stop. You don’t mean that.”
When had you gotten so good at reading me? Or maybe the reluctance in my voice had been too clear. Still, in terms of hardheadedness, I wasn’t going to lose.
“You don’t know me, Kageyama,” The name felt wrong in my mouth, it tasted sour and cold, freezing my mouth for a few seconds before I gathered the courage to keep on going, “If you truly knew me, you wouldn’t say such things so easily.”
“What things?” You shot back, and suddenly you looked older than you were. But the truth was, I was the one acting immature. “Say it properly, Shishou. My feelings are not just ‘things’.”
“Kageyama," It stung, "can’t you see? It’s not right for you to-” I tried to form coherent thoughts that conveyed just how dangerous it was- how scared I felt, really.
“It may not be right,” You finally agreed, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel relieved. Instead, I just felt even more hurt. Even so, you continued. “But it is what I feel… And you love me too, I am sure.”
I felt my eyes sting.
“If you don’t,” you continued, your voice even, sounding way older than you had any right to, “I promise to never bring it up again. I will do as you say and never set foot back into the office.” And through your own pained expression I could see that the possibility ate away at your heart as it did mine, “But if that is the case, I need to hear it from you, Shishou. Look at me, and say you don’t love me.”
You were asking for the impossible. From the moment you came into my life I knew you were made to stay in it. My sun, you were, shining endless light to the darkest parts of me and accepting them with all of your being.
“Don’t ask me that,” I begged, and your baby face morphed into a dazzling smile that took my breath away. Oh, how I wished to hold you in my arms, whisper soft nothings against your ear until your own doubts subsided. “You know I do, so don’t ask me that.”
You stepped on your toes to reach my neck with your arms, and I couldn’t resist the temptation of holding you by the hips and kissing your temple.
I could bear my cross, if only you stood with me like this forever.