Archive of Our Own

I am [your name], your average young adult living an extraordinarily average life. I thought that after high school, I would be some big-shot [your chosen career path]… But no that didn’t work out so well, I’m an office worker working a monotonous 9-5…

What stings the most, however…

I am unloved.

For some, that would not be an issue, but for myself it is VERY much an issue. I want to be loved! I am desperate for love!

I’m so desperate I even………

Signed up for a dating app…

I know, I know. I shouldn’t have. But imagine being in my position! I couldn’t help myself! I had tried so hard to restrict myself, but I could do it no longer.

But it was on this specific dating app with a swiping feature that I found something… Or rather, someone that piqued my curiosity.

Their name was…

“Filibuster Obstructa”

Their age was…

“At LEAST 1 Millenia”

And their bio read as such:

“I like, wreak havoc on the universe and shit like that, looking for a hypothetical man/woman/person who can fill a cosmos-sized hole in my universe-sized heart.”

And… The pictures…

"Check out the new Stargatti"

(Source: the one guy who arrested for trafficking and now says life is like a video game)

"Me being based and starpilled at some crazy lady's show"

(Source: the absolute fucking moron who bought an app for billions and lowered the value of said app to half of what he bought it for LMAO)

"They didnt invite me to the Nyanko Awards so I totally invited myself lol"

(Source: the 985th jeremy guy... wonder what happened to 1-984...)

"Yo check out this sick vending machine"

(Source: the 4th smg, the guy who makes the funny mario videos with the weird lore)

I thought this was strange, or maybe a better way to say it would be: I thought I was higher than a hippie in a helicopter! A junkie in a jeans rack! An addict in the arctic!

But hey, matching with some crazy person who probably hacked the app to make their profile look stupid was better than nothing!

And it turned out that, whoever this person was, was serious about wanting a relationship, which was great! I knew nothing about what they really looked like, but at this stage, I’d get with them even if they actually did look like their pictures!

And now here I am. Sat in a café. Waiting for what will hopefully be my one true love… Well, they probably won’t be, but whatever. I sit here with my favourite drink, [your favourite drink], sipping away nervously as I await the one and only “Filibuster Obstructa”.

The bell by the café door dings and my heart skips a beat, could it be? Are they finally here..?

“My, oh my.” A weirdly cybernetic voice speaks behind me. “That [your hair], that [outfit you would wear to a casual date], if isn’t my [handsome and/or beautiful] date.” They sit on the chair directly facing me and they look… EXACTLY like the pictures… Wh… What? And here I thought Cats being our intergalactic overlords would be the weirdest thing I’d see in my lifetime!

“Hello.” I nervously start speaking. “So, you are Filibuster Obstructa? That’s really your name?”

“Why, yes, my [your favourite term of romantic endearment], that is my name. And you are [Y/N], yes? [Handsome and/or beautiful] as I entirely expected, I knew you wouldn’t be a catfish.”

“Forgive me if this is rude, but what are you? You don’t seem human.”

“Whatever gave it away, my dear? You are correct, I am no human. I am… I… One moment.” Filibuster pulls out a laptop from seemingly nowhere and starts typing furiously. “Alien, Floating. For other uses, see Filibuster Cat (disambiguation). Filibuster Obstructa ( スターフィリバスター Sutā Firibasutā, Star Filibuster) is an enemy that appears in Cats of the Cosmos Chapter- Uh, whoops! Think I read a little bit too there. I am an Alien.” As quickly as he manifested the laptop, he is entirely rid of it, somehow. “Now, a question for you, [Y/N]. Have you ever been on a date before?”

“No, I haven’t. Why?”

“Good, so your expectations are low.” He stands up from his chair, flashing me a smile. “Come along, my [your favourite term of romantic endearment]. We have a great day ahead of us. But first, we must fill up on the finest food known to this galaxy. So not here.”

The owner of the Café looks over at Filibuster, his words striking fury into their heart. “Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me, princess! Sorry that I can’t afford to make the best damn food out there because running a bloody Café is taxing, both emotionally and monetarily, especially when I have to deal with customers like YOU! WHO CAN’T APPRECIATE THE ART OF RUNNING A SMALL ESTABLISHMENT IN A BIG CITY-“

Filibuster quickly ushers me out before the Café owner can scream any more at us.

“I didn’t pay for my [your favourite drink].” I say with the fear that I am now a criminal.

Filibuster smiles and pats my head. “Oh don’t worry about that, I’ll smooth things over after our date.” Half of the light in his visor goes dim for a moment, which I interpret as him winking. “For now, take my hand and we’ll walk-… Actually, you’ll walk, I’ll float. It’s just easier for me that way.”

And that’s exactly what we do. Me walking and him floating, our hands held together as if we were already a couple.

We’re walking slowly and silently. It feels awkward, especially given this is meant to be a date… Maybe a question would ease the tension?

“So, Filibuster,” I begin, “What do you do for a living?”

“Chaos and destruction.” He smiles back at me.

“Like… Terrorism?”

“Well… On an intergalactic scale.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying I’m on a date with a space terrorist?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Oh…… Nice!”

“Yeaaah! I mean come ON, who wouldn’t fall for a space terrorist with a sick-ass visor, huh?” His mechanical tail wagged, almost like an excited puppy.

But after directing my attention from his tail back to where we were walking, I realised… Something ghastly…

The ‘finest food known to this galaxy’ that he is leading me to…

Is the local NyankoBurger… A fast food place distinguishable by it’s giant, round cat on top of every locale, by the cats, for the cats. Our intergalactic overlords really did pool some of their resources into burgers for more profit… And the saddest part is that it worked. NyankoBurger was so successful that it had locations all over the cosmos. Intergalactic Capitalism was very real, and the Cats were taking full advantage.

“Ahh, NyankoBurger.” Filibuster has wide a smile on his face, quite heartwarming. “The first food I ever ate after finding myself adrift admits the vast cosmos after millennia lost amongst the stars.”

I find that statement questionable at best. “If you were lost in space for that long… How did you afford the food?”

“Don’t worry about it!” He pats me on the head before leading me inside the NyankoBurger, his grip on my hand firm as if caring, but not so tight to seem controlling.

The place is entirely empty apart from employees and one female customer with a small robot floating behind her, and it’s your typical bland, corporate-feeling food place, except with a cat theme to it all.

The employee behind the counter is a pale, purple-haired girl with tired eyes and a uniform as grey as the rest of the place, with a yellow N on the hat. The name on her tag is ‘Mari’…

(Source: @HelloImXion [Me])

Mari looks like she doesn’t want to be here.

“Welcome to NyankoBurger.” Her exhausted voice says to us. “What can I get for you?”

“You seem like you need a fun character arc.” Filibuster leans on the counter as he addresses the minimum wage worker. “Wanna help me explain an existential concept to my [handsome and/or beautiful] date?”

“Sir, I don’t get paid enough to help you explain existential concepts to your [handsome and/or beautiful] date.”

“Great!” Filibuster smiles, “Stay right there!” He turns to look at me, his visor light very bright. “Ever heard of Soulmates? It’s like a concept between worlds in which multiple people share a soul! Whatever happens to one of the Soulmates will happen to the other! Though, the timing isn’t strict, it’s just that it will happen eventually! For example!”

Mari looks extraordinarily exhausted, well she LOOKED exhausted, because Filibuster literally vaporises her in an instant.

I find myself at a complete loss for words, Filibuster Obstructa just murdered a woman right before my very eyes in an explanation of an existential concept that I never even asked for… Was this his idea of a romantic date?

“Now, now,” Filibuster tries to settle down my worries with a gentle pat on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, she may be dead, but I am super powerful, like a nine-year old’s original character.”

With a snap of Filibuster’s fingers, Mari reappears immediately, the look on her face portraying abhorrent shock… Oh, nevermind, she’s back to normal.

“Wow. Even hell itself wasn’t as bad as this job is… Looked exactly like the city, just with some weirdo making some kind of game announcement or whatever.”

I look at Filibuster, horrified but relieved he at least revived the poor woman he needlessly murdered to explain this concept.

“Oh shit, this is gonna get screwy.” Filibuster scratches the back of his very round head. “Should not have revived her, now someone’s gonna get a real death scare in another world.”

“I get that you’re excited to have someone to talk about these things with,” I tell Filibuster, “But next time I’ll just take your word for it, so you don’t need to involve random people. Now c’mon, let’s just order some food already.”

“You’re right, my [your favourite term of romantic endearment]. I’m so very sorry, Mari.”

“Please just order something already.” The poor worker slouches and rubs her tired eyes.

“I’ll have [your favourite thing to order from a cat-themed fast food restaurant run by an intergalactic federation of cats, by the cats, for the cats].” I say.

“Yeah, I’ll also have [your favourite thing to order from a cat-themed fast food restaurant run by an intergalactic federation of cats, by the cats, for the cats].” Filibuster follows up with.

After paying, and a brief period of waiting, Mari hands over our [your favourite thing to…. I think you get it by now.] on a tray. We take the tray and move to sit somewhere, preferably away from the blonde girl manically writing some kind of letter whilst her round robot companion gives her a look of what can only be described as horrified.

As we eat our cheap fast food, Filibuster stares at me with love in his visor… I think? The lights seem to form a heart shape, how sweet!

“So…” Filibuster begins a conversation. “You ever… Been to space?”

“No…” I respond. “Most humans have never left Earth.”

“What? Seriously? Even though the Cats come from here, they don’t provide like… Space travel to other planets or something?”

“Not at all.”

“How about I fly you up and show you the stars?”

“If I go into space without proper protection, I’ll freeze to death, and that would be [your thoughts on freezing to death in space].”

“I see, I see… And what if you enter my bedroom without protection?”

“I’d-“ I spit out my drink upon realising what he said to me, my eyes really wide. Filibuster smirks at me, the lights in his visor simulating a wink…

And then I realise… He doesn’t even… He can’t… Filibuster cannot…… He doesn't look to have…

“I’m just kidding!” Filibuster chuckles. “I don’t even have a bedroom! I sleep in random bushes whenever I feel like sleeping!”

“You can stay at my apartment.” I offer, not entirely sure of what would entail if he actually did decide to stay with me. “It’s…uh…comfy…”

It’s not comfy, at all. It’s cramped, cold and has a perpetual feeling of being haunted by [your least favourite haunting entity, e.g. Herobrine, Slenderman, Your Mother].

“I believe I’ll take you up on that offer!” He smiles at me, blowing a kiss for no apparent reason.

Once we finally finish eating at Nyankoburger, I lead Filibuster all the way back to my apartment, I hold his robotic hand for the entire walk there… So cold… So hard… Like my heart used to be…

As we walk… Well, he floats, but you know… We watch the pigeons fly, the doges aimlessly wander and the cats just laze around all day, something that particularly seems to annoy Filibuster..?

I lead him to my apartment, opening the door and taking him inside.

My apartment is messy. Very messy, I didn’t actually expect this date to go as well as it did. (I didn’t even expect him to show up.) So I never bothered to clean, it’s as messy as [please come up with a good metaphor or joke or whatever for me, it’s 1:20AM as i’m writing this part, thank you].

Filibuster Obstructa plops his not-so-fat ass down on the [your 2nd favourite colour of sofa], [your favourite drink that is capable leaving stains on a sofa]-stained sofa. I sit my [your ass fatness]-ass down next to him, careful not to sit on his mechanical tail, which he wraps around my waist to pull me close… Such a flirt…

I turn on my Nyanko-brand TV with the Nyanko-brand remote and flick through the Nyanko channels… Filibuster seems on edge… Always something to do with cats… Except Nyankoburger… Almost as if his aversion to cats is simply something that was tacked on mid-way through writing this story as an excuse for something later… But that’s ridiculous! He was clearly just too hungry to notice!

I put on some cheap-looking romcom and cuddle up with my new beloved. He strokes my hair [or perhaps lack thereof, I’m not here to judge if you have hair or not] with his robotic arm. It’s so cold against my skin, yet I can’t help but smile at the contrast of his cold arm with his warm love.

Unfortunately, the cheap romcom just doesn’t fit the vibe anymore, it’s too com for it’s rom. So I instead switch to [Ash’s show of choice. Who is Ash? Wouldn’t you like to know!] As the personified countries do whatever personified countries did, Filibuster and I cuddled up real close. (I was secretly thanking eldritch deities for allowing us to find a show that let us not put up with a laugh track)

Admittedly, I don’t remember much of what happened after… Haha… I remember we ordered takeout and some drinks and cuddled some more and… I fell asleep… How anticlimactic, huh?

(This is the part where you play the battle cats ending theme [Click here] please cooperate with me, thank you.)

And so…

After a (probably) rewarding and (maybe) fulfilling experience with romance.

I was entirely happy to call Filibuster Obstructa my boyfriend.

I awoke with renewed faith in life!

I was ready to take on the universe!

…

But so was Filibuster…

As when I searched for him in my apartment, all I found was a letter.

“I’m going to go take down the Intergalactic Cat Federation! Your speech inspired me! If I die, I died with you in my heart.”

So… I guess I spoke out against the Cats in a drunken stupor…

And now the one person I wished to date has vanished entirely.

Seriously! He never came back!

But, I guess I still felt that urge to take on the universe…

I took another shot at my dream career… And I’ll be damned! It actually got me somewhere… Out of that boring 9-5, at least! It’s a start!

And it never would’ve happened if I hadn’t met Filibuster…

I visit the Nyankoburger that I ate at with him all the time. So often that Mari has become a friend of mine… And her girlfriend, Aubrey, too. They’re nice people.

I wonder if that soulmate thing Filibuster mentioned applies to their love, too..?

Anyway…

I at least have some friends now…

A friend on the inside, as it turns out that Mari is very aware of the affairs of the Cats!

She told me that Filibuster Obstructa and his small rebellion had been defeated in combat, and that after his defeat, he fell into a wormhole and was likely dragged into another universe…

Oh well… I guess having two friends is better than one boyfriend..? Maybe… Maybe not… Depends on your perspective, I suppose.

How did Mari know that, anyhow? She’s just a fast food worker…

Who knows… Definitely not me.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever give this love thing another shot… I really don’t want to experience another heartbreak like Filibuster…

Am I even capable of loving again after him..?

I don’t know…

But this short, yet sweet part of my life came to a quick and abrupt close.

With my career as my focus, I likely won’t have time for love anymore…

Maybe I should take a page out of the book that I (apparently) ranted about?

Cats are carefree, aren’t they?

If only I could live like that, too…

Perhaps I just need to make that effort… I just need to choose to be more carefree!

That could be it…

I keep getting sidetracked… Haha…

All I really have left to say is…

Thanks for the date…

Thank you, Filibuster Obstructa!

I miss you, Filibuster Obstructa!

Wherever you are…

You are my Star.

I suppose...

That Date with Filibuster Obstructa truly was...

A Forbidden Romance

(Source: The most beautiful man alive, Markiplier)

The End.

Thank you for reading!

Happy April Fools', everyone.