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Fyodor was tired. He was sitting at his computer monitoring a few things, making calls here and there, but despite not moving, it was starting to wear on him. He knew he hadn't eaten much today, but at this point, the thought of food made him nauseous.
So, Fyodor simply kept working, hungry and tired. It was easy enough to ignore, as he'd had enough practice. Nikolai often called him negligent, but Fyodor preferred to think of it as efficient allocation of resources. As in, it wasn't worth taking care of himself more than the bare minimum as long as he excelled in his work.
Fyodor could never admit it, but he took a morbid sense of satisfaction in his own pain. If he didn't feel that he was working himself half to death, it honestly didn't feel like he was working hard enough.
Fyodor sighed as he sat back, trying to think about anything else that may need to get done. To his surprise, Nikolai spoke up.
"You finally done?" Nikolai sounded amused, and Fyodor spun his chair around to face him. He was sitting on Fyodor's bed, legs crossed.
"When did you get here?" Fyodor asked. He was surprised hadn't noticed. Nikolai chuckled.
"Why don't you guess?" Nikolai teased, laughing at Fyodor's unamused face. "It was about 10 minutes ago." Fyodor's face was blank, but he was surprised. How could he not have heard Nikolai come in?
"I see…" he replied, wondering if Nikolai had been more quiet on purpose to trick him.
"Anyway, I'm hungry." Nikolai spoke up, sensing Fyodor's slight distress. "Let's go get food." Nikolai stood up, hands on his hips.
"Where do you want to go?" Fyodor asked, unable to think about food at the moment. It was making him nauseous. Nikolai thought a bit.
"Apparently there's a place nearby that sells steamed pork buns! I've been wanting some pirozhki, so this could be good~" Nikolai wagged his eyebrows, trying to convince Fyodor. How he loved his bread and meat. Fyodor chuckled.
"Sounds good, lead the way." Fyodor stood up, feeling his heart begin to race. Blood rushed out of his brain and he felt lightheaded. Fyodor stumbled forward, reaching out to Nikolai to help him stabilize. Nikolai noticed his altered state and reached out to catch him, but it was too late. Fyodor saw the panic on Nikolai's face as he fell forward, passing out.
.
Nikolai watched as Fyodor plummeted to the ground. He managed to swoop in to catch the Russian, noticing that his face was paler than usual. Somehow.
He slowly lowered Fyodor to the ground, laying him down. Nikolai sighed, knowing that Fyodor likely hadn't eaten all day. It was just like him to work himself to death and not even realize it. How he never seemed to be hungry, Nikolai could never figure out, but as long as he was here, he didn’t mind taking care of Fyodor.
Once Fyodor was in a better position on the ground, Nikolai picked him up, light as ever. Fyodor often wore thick coats and warm clothes, to compensate for how cold he was all the time. Nikolai shook his head. If he’d put on just a bit of weight, he might be less miserable.
Nikolai set Fyodor down on his bed as the russian began to wake up.
.
Fyodor woke up as he felt himself being laid down on his bed. He was nauseous and his head hurt. Fyodor looked up at Nikolai, worry spread across his pretty face.
“Fedya, are you ok?” Nikolai’s voice was soft. Fyodor sighed. He didn’t like worrying Nikolai.
“Yes, Koyla. I am fine.” He internally cringed at his voice. He sounded tired, almost sad. Nikolai frowned.
“You’re not.” Nikolai pushed some hair out of Fyodor’s face. “You’re so smart, but such an idiot sometimes.” Fyodor chuckled, not expecting to be insulted.
“I really am ok. Let’s go get food. You said you were hungry?” Fyodor tried to sit up, getting pushed back down. Nikolai threw a blanket over him.
“You stay here and take a nap.” Nikolai was being more forceful, not taking any protest from Fyodor. “I’m going to run out and get food. I’ll bring you some water before I leave. Do you want tea?” Fyodor smiled, appreciating Nikolai’s concern.
“Just water is fine. Thank you.” Fyodor knew better than to try to protest. Once Nikolai’s protective side kicked in, there was no stopping him. Nikolai looked at him with a soft face, gentle concern wrinkling his eyebrows. He was so cute.
“Ok…” Nikolai caressed Fyodor’s cheek and gave him a soft kiss. This was a hidden reason Fyodor was ok with ignoring his own health. He secretly loved this. Being taken care of. Nikolai always did such a good job. “Stay.” Nikolai ordered, backing away like Fyodor was an energetic puppy learning a new trick. Fyodor laughed.
“Don’t worry. I don’t think I could move now if I wanted to.” Fyodor sighed, watching Nikolai leave. His head hurt and he felt so weak. He hated the weakness of his body, wishing he could be unhindered by the need to eat and sleep.
“Ok, drink this. I’m going to leave in a second. It won’t be long.” Nikolai said, bringing in a cup of water and helping Fyodor sit up to drink. Fyodor slumped back onto his pillow. Nikolai gave his hand a squeeze and left. Fydor closed his eyes, feeling his body sink into the bed, warm and comfortable. His headache started to alleviate with the water.
Fyodor closed his eyes, feeling the exhaustion washing over him, lulling him to sleep.
.
Fyodor woke up to Nikolai walking in. The smell of fresh steamed pork buns wafted into the air. Nikolai's entrance was quiet, abnormal for the loudmouth. Fyodor felt his stomach crawling up his throat. He groaned as he sat up, head spinning.
"Careful, Fedya. Are you feeling ok?" Nikolai sat on the bed, next to him. Fyodor nodded.
"Just a bit nauseous." He groaned, his stomach churning. He grabbed the glass of water and took a sip. Nikolai reached into a paper bag and grabbed a bun, holding it out to Fyodor.
"I know it's hard, but eat some. Start with small bites." Nikolai smiled as Fyodor took it. He watched closely as Fyodor sniffed the bun and took a small bite.
"It's good." Fyodor whispered, making Nikolai happy.
"I know! I had one on the way over." Nikolai admitted, giggling. Fyodor gave a small chuckle.
"Good, you were hungry." Fyodor couldn't help but feel guilty. It was unlike him to care about using people, but when it's unintentional? To have someone care about him of their own volition made him feel like a burden. How could he accept this when he knew he wasn't worthy of anyone's kindness?
“You don’t have to do these things for me.” Fyodor felt his heart begin to race and his nausea now had a new cause. He was a sinner, shameful in the way he used everyone. Greedy. Nikolai looked over, noticing Fyodor's slight change in demeanor.
"Hey, Fedya. Breath." Nikolai's voice was soft but casual. Fyodor noticed his breathing had become irregular and shaky. He stopped, taking a deep breath to try to stabilize.
"I only got these because I was hungry and if you passed out while we were walking over, it would've been a hassle." Nikolai said, Fyodor looking over at him. "You know I hate doing things I don't want to do." Nikolai smiled, setting Fyodor's mind at ease. Nikolai always seemed to know what to say.
"Good. I can pay you back for the ones I eat." Fyodor offered. Nikolai shook his head.
"Nah, just pay next time." He took another bite. Fyodor smiled, taking a bit of his as well. They sat in silence for a moment as they finished eating.
"You know…" Nikolai broke the silence. "You're not a burden. I do things for you because I care for you. You don't have to manipulate me or anything." Fyodor was silent.
"Believe it or not, but you are worthy of being cared for." Nikolai put his hand on Fyodor's. Fyodor wanted to pull his hand away. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to run away. He wanted to kill Nikolai. But he was frozen.
"How could I be?" Fyodor's voice was quiet. "I've become a demon in my search to relieve the world of sin." Fyodor rested his head back. "I manipulate, I lie, I cheat, and I kill. I've become the walking definition of sin in the hopes of saving this world. I deserve nothing but death, and even then, I resist my just punishment." Fyodor sighed.
"I have no idea what God may think of all this. But if it were up to me, I'd say you’re doing a good job. Fighting to create a better world is a noble thing." Nikolai said, looking towards the foot of the bed. It comforted Fyodor, knowing that at least one person doesn't despise him, even if he deserved it.
"I used you. How can you not hate me?" Fyodor turned to Nikolai, who laughed at the question.
"Used me? No… everything I do, I do by my own choice. Sometimes it just so happens to align with what you want me to do. But that's only because I want to help you." Nikolai chuckled. Fyodor stared in awe. "I love you, Fedya. You know this. You can always ask me for help. I won't see you as weak for doing so." Nikolai turned to Fyodor. "I could never see you as weak."
Fyodor chuckled. Nikolai's words hurt his heart, but he couldn't help but laugh at his own pathetic pity party. He made his own decisions, he should live with them.
"That's good." Fyodor sighed. Nikolai squeezed his hand then let go to put his arm around Fyodor as he moved to lay down.
"Come here." Nikolai said, pulling Fyodor into him. As Fyodor turned, resting his head on Nikolai's shoulder and arm across his chest, he could smell him easier. He smelled like cotton candy and cigarettes. An interesting combination, but it worked on him.
Nikolai had his arm around Fyodor, holding him close. He used his other hand to move hair out of Fyodor's face.
"You know, you are very pretty." Nikolai said softly, grabbing Fyodor's hand and kissing it. Fyodor chuckled dryly.
"Pretty? My hair's greasy, I have bags from not sleeping, and I'm sure I look like death himself." Fyodor retorted. He never cared much for his appearance. Most of the time he didn't think about it, but lately, the few times he looked closely in the mirror, he could hardly recognize himself.
Fyodor was skinny. His bones stuck out in sharp angles, face gaunt. His dark hair made him look even more pale and sickly. Not like Nikolai. Nikolai's body was muscular, with thick thighs and strong shoulders that Fyodor loved. If Fyodor was death, Nikolai was life, energetic and happy.
"Death is beautiful then." Nikolai whispered, stopping Fyodor's racing mind in its tracks. "You can always take a shower, and if you slept more regularly, those dark circles would go away." Nikolai said, smiling at him.
"Dear, Kolya. What did I do to deserve you?" Fyodor sighed.
"You simply understood me." Nikolai smiled. It was so simple, so easy. If that's all it took to win Nikolai's heart, Fyodor was surprised it hadn't already been done. He was glad to be the first though. He couldn't imagine how everything might have turned out if it weren't for Nikolai.
They lay like that for a while, Fyodor watching as Nikolai fell asleep. He was cute, mouth slightly open, face looking young and peaceful. Fyodor soon followed into sleep, happy to have Nikolai here with him.