Work Text:
they’ve been friends for so long. too long for hakeem to remember. he’s always admired the latter; kahar was someone he respected. hakeem would give his all for the other; his blood, his sweat, and his tears. he figured that kahar deserved all the love in the world, everything special must be made for him and him only.
hakeem gave kahar his heart.
he watched as the latter held it close to his chest; and ruptured them. hakeem’s heart was in a million pieces. he watched as his torn bloody heart disintegrated into nothingness. he watched as kahar desperately struggled to keep it together, asking hakeem to not catch feelings for him, despite everything. he watched as kahar begged him to ignore his own feelings for the latter.
hakeem watched his own demise.
he confessed; he thought his feelings mattered. his intuition was wrong, it betrayed him, the truth cuts deeper than any knife. hakeem thought that maybe, maybe, after staying by kahar’s side for so long; the other would finally open his eyes to him. hakeem thought that kahar liked him.
he stood there awkwardly, eyes heavy from trying to restrain himself from letting bitter tears fall. hakeem clenched his jaw and laughed it off, saying it was just a silly joke and it didn’t matter. nothing matters; he knew it was bound to happen. he sabotaged their relationship and poured out his feelings at the wrong time. hakeem betrayed himself.
he couldn’t bear to watch the man he loved apologised for not being able to reciprocate his feelings. he couldn’t bear to hear another sorry come out of the latter’s lips. he couldn’t bear to see kahar’s pitiful eyes looming over his. hakeem couldn’t bear it all.
he let his tears fall when the latter left. was it to give him space? closure? or maybe kahar’s had enough of his stupidity and abandoned him for good? hakeem couldn’t tell. all he knows was that the tears were pricking his eyes, each droplet felt like needles throbbing his socket. hakeem couldn’t stop pouring his heart out again. he was miserable.
he decided that it’s fine; it’s part of life. hakeem chose to move on, he respected the other’s decision. even if it’s eating him up on the inside. even if it makes him repeatedly stabbing his own broken heart. even if it kills him. hakeem respects kahar.
the next day, he put on his best smiling face and acted like yesterday never happened. the old hakeem was dead, and the new hakeem held him close to his heart; a reminder, no, a mirror, of his past life. the old hakeem was strong. but the new hakeem was stronger.
kahar watched as the latter acted differently in front of him. he clenched his chest and looked away. hakeem is fine now, so why is he worried?
they’ve been friends for so long. so long since kahar could remember.
he remembers the first time seeing the other; hakeem was shorter than the average kid. funny enough, that’s the thing that made him stand out the most; hakeem was simply better than the rest. he was cheeky and loud, a little bit clumsy but also responsible. to kahar, hakeem was strong.
he’d never expected the latter to have such deep feelings for him. the thought to himself, why? kahar thought there’s nothing likeable about him; he never once viewed himself as someone deserving of love. to him, people come, and people go. they only crave something from you when they’re at their lowest. but hakeem; hakeem was different.
time passes by; it’s been months since the incident. the both of them chose to bury it ten feet underground. nobody but the two of them knew what happened that time. how miserable hakeem was,how odd kahar was feeling, and how the both of them chose to pretend.
they joke and play around like usual; skinship is normal. it’s what kahar wanted anyways; to be normal. hakeem followed suit. he’s gotten used to it by now. they hugged and held hands, they cuddled and gave each other the support needed. they were all they needed.
then, hakeem came to realise that he does care for the latter deeply, but that was all. maybe it was platonic, after all.
hakeem shook those thoughts away.
kahar started to catch feelings.
it was such a weird feeling; like a shot through the chest. everytime he sees the latter, his heart beats fast. kahar thought he was dying; why is he feeling such ways towards his best friend? the person he rejected before? he’s losing his damn mind.
kahar liked hakeem; he likes the way hakeem would crack unfunny jokes, he likes the way hakeem would style his hair before going to class, he likes the way hakeem was always there for him; lending his shoulder to kahar anytime and anywhere. kahar likes him.
“sorry, kahar.” hakeem stated, knuckles clenching the hem of his shirt. it was awkward; he didn’t how to feel, what to say, or what to do. hakeem truly felt nothing towards the latter now; he’s moved on.
and maybe kahar should too.
“ aku tak boleh balas balik perasaan kau. sorry.”
oh.
kahar let out a bitter laugh.
he felt something dripping down his face, seconds by and it started to pour out violently. tears; his tears are sharp and painful. they’re salty, just like how he’s feeling right now. maybe hakeem wanted to get back at him for rejecting him before, but he knew the latter would never.
kahar squatted on the wet grass, having the empty football field to himself. he watched the other walk away from him, seemingly trying to let him some space. he cupped his flushed face, the teardrops pouring out like heavy rain. kahar laughed bitterly, hands covering his swollen eyes.
“padan muka engkau, kahar. padan muka.”