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Jihoon was not jealous. He had no problem with the way Seungcheol held onto Jeonghan like the boy would float away if he let go, or the way he would softly caress Jeonhan's long, strawberry scented hair, or the way he would watch Jeonghan when he thought no one was paying attention. Nope. Jihoon didn't care one bit... or at least, that's what he tried to convince himself. The truth was, Jihoon was madly in love with Seungcheol.
…
It had started 5 years ago when Lee Jihoon had first stepped into the Pledis building and became a trainee. At only 16 years old at the time, he didn't know if this was exactly what he wanted to do, or if he could even do this. To become an idol. But he wasn't about to lose out on what may be his only opportunity. While other trainee's came and went, there was one boy that Jihoon could always rely on -- Seungcheol.
While Seungcheol was only technically a year older than Jihoon, he had a certain level of maturity that made Jihoon feel so young in comparison. Seungcheol would bug him on a daily basis with an endless supply of questions; "Did you eat, Jihoonie?" he would ask, "Did you get enough sleep? Did you finish your school work?" Incessant question's that would drive Jihoon absolutely insane. "Yes, hyung." he'd always reply, because if he ever said no, Seungcheol would only nag at him until every single maths question was solved or every grain of rice was consumed. While on the outside Jihoon would act annoyed at Seungcheol's constant pestering, on the inside he felt relieved to know someone was always watching out for him.
…
Jihoon was 17 when he realized that he didn't like girls. It's not that he had a problem with them, but he was just never interested in them in that way. It was also at 17 when Jihoon realized that he may or may not have developed feelings for a certain puffy eyed boy. Over the years, Jihoon and Seungcheol had grown much closer, almost to the point where they were inseparable from one another. If Jihoon was having a rough day, Seungcheol would be there to lend an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on; if Seungcheol was unable to hit a note or do a step in the choreography, Jihoon would help him through it, step by step, until he got it right. While they had other friends around them, the two tended to rely on each other more. It was comfortable, it was natural, and, Jihoon couldn't help but notice, it had felt right.
Not long after Jihoon had accepted his crush, Pledis announced their newest boy's group -- Seventeen. While new members seemed to come in everyday from all over, Jihoon was more overjoyed with the fact that he and Seungcheol would be in a group, together. While this technically wasn't the first group he and Seungcheol had been a part of, both boys having been members of Tempest not long before, it would be the first group that would stick around longer than a brief appearance in one of their sunbae's music videos. With the anticipation of a new group came the added workload for the young trainee's. Practices became longer, coaches became stricter, and their free time dwindled with each passing day. Seungcheol and Jihoon refused to let their new lifestyles dampen their friendship however as both boys continued their usual routine, often staying up until the dead of night just to hear from the other. It wasn't perfect, but it worked. As long as Jihoon could still talk to Seungcheol, everything would be alright.
…
Jihoon was 18 when he came. The one person who would put a hold to whatever you could call Jihoon and Seuncheol's relationship (if it could even be considered a relationship). At first, Jihoon had no problems with the angelic boy with the eloquent voice, and even still he holds no gripes really. The moment Jeonghan came into the picture though was the moment Seungcheol and Jihoon's relationship changed. Not in the way that they were no longer friends, or no longer had their late night talks, or extra dance practices when Seungcheol couldn't learn the steps so Jihoon would stay in the studio with him for a few extra hours 'till they were both at the peak of exhaustion and passed out on the floor. But rather, Seungcheol had developed feelings for the new boy. It had started off as nothing at first; a few innocent touches here and there, or the initiation of conversations between the two. Jihoon had thought nothing of it originally "A little crush," he had told Soonyoung, his dorm mate and close friend, "he'll get over it soon." Soonyoung had known of Jihoon's feelings for Seungcheol and was very supportive of a relationship between the two. "You two would be so cute together!" Soonyoung would often coo whenever Jihoon would bring it up. Soonyoung wasn't the only person who knew of Jihoon's crush, others had noticed the wistful looks Jihoon would shoot Seungcheol from time-to-time, or the attention seeking whines he would use to distract Seungcheol (he prided himself with the fact that Seungcheol still cared for him enough that he would drop whatever he was doing if Jihoon needed him), but Soonyoung was the only person Jihoon trusted enough to talk about it with.
But soon the touches became more frequent, and lingered longer than usual. Then came hugging. And hand-holding. And surprise back hugs after a long day of practicing. Soon Jihoon knew that whatever was going on between Seungcheol and Jeonghan was no longer as playful as they had once seemed, and even worse, they were being reciprocated.
…
Jihoon's and Seungcheol's relationship stayed as is for a time. While they both cared for each other immensely, Seungcheol saw Jihoon as only one thing, a little brother. "That's why he loves Jeonghan," he had whined, head first into a pillow as Soonyoung rubbed his back "because Jeonghan is older and I'm just a kid."
"You're only a year younger," Soonyoung had comforted as he rubbed circles into Jihoon's back. The stress had been getting to Jihoon lately, as well as all of the other trainee's. Jihoon had recently been tasked with composing and producing the music for the new group, and while it was a huge honor, it added immense strain on the younger boy. "Maybe you should go talk to Seungcheol, tell him how you feel?"
"Yeah, right," Jihoon had scoffed. Like he was going to admit that, in front of Seungcheol, his best friend, and hyung. Jihoon lifted his head and pulled out his phone from his pocket, looking at the screen. 16:14 it had read, March 19, 2014. Although he was 20 years of age now, he still has been unable to shake his feelings for Seungcheol. Jihoon locked his phone and dropped his head back onto his pillow "Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh," he groaned as he slammed his head multiple times into the pillow. Soonyoung sighed as he continued rubbing circles into his friends back and conversation in the room ceased.
…
"You've been doing well so far, I have confidence that you've all prepared well. I hope you will be a team that can make something new."
The words rang through everyone's minds as the CEO spoke. They had been through so much together; they had grown up together, they had bonded, they had fought countless times, but now they were closer than ever before. This was the day the CEO gave them their rings, uniting them as a team. It was also the day the leaders of each subunit were appointed; Seungcheol as the hip-hop team leader, Jihoon as vocal team leader, and Soonyoung as performance team leader. While Jihoon was happy for everyone, he couldn't help feeling a little prideful knowing that he was appointed leader when he was the third oldest in the vocal team.
As the ceremony had concluded, Jihoon went off in search of Seungcheol to congratulate him. He walked around the small room, bobbing and weaving between the masses of people as he searched for Seungcheol. He was stopped a few times as people came up to him telling him "Congratulations" and "You deserve it." He also gave Soonyoung a quick hug and a "Congratulations, hyung" before continuing his search.
Jihoon had spotted Seungcheol at the edge of the room and quickly ran over to him. "Hyu--" he began only to stop when he saw what was before him. It seemed Jeonghan had a similar idea in mind, only his congratulations involved less words and more kissing. Seungcheol looked up to see Jihoon standing awkwardly in front of him and quickly detangled his hands from Jeonghan's hair, but Jihoon had already saw what happened.
"C-congratulations, hyung," Jihoon stuttered. He didn't mean to, but the words just wouldn't come out properly. He wanted more than anything to walk right up to Jeonghan and punch him in the jaw (or gut, since Jeonghan was a good head taller than him). He also wanted to take a shocked Seungcheol by the collar and lock their lips together into a sloppy kiss. He quickly shook those thoughts from his mind however as he stared at the two embarrassed boys.
"Thanks Jihoonie," Seungcheol had replied with a slight blush on his cheeks, "I guess we made it."
"Yeah, I guess we did." Jihoon said as he flashed a strained smile before bowing and walking away. He didn't turn around when Seungcheol had called after him, and he didn't stop walking until he made it back to the dorm a few blocks away.
…
Life wasn't easy. The boys were set to debut in just a few short months, which meant Jihoon had to make sure all of the songs were ready. He had spent many nights curled up on the floor of his studio (or should I saw closet), exhausted from a day of composing music, practicing choreography, writing lyrics, then recording audio, all while faking a smile like he wasn't completely drained. He knew his friends had noticed his changes in his mood, but they were either too nice or too scared to say anything about it. Either way, Jihoon was happy as long as the work was getting done. He had separated himself more and more from his friends as their debut date approached, sometimes not even leaving his studio until his stomach (or his bladder) couldn't take it any longer. It wasn't that Jihoon enjoyed working day and night in his cramp studio, sometimes not even sleeping for days at a time, but there was nothing he could do. Because their success, the success of everyone in Seventeen, relied solely on Jihoon alone. Jihoon had to write the lyrics. Had to produce the songs. All while ensuring that this burden didn't get pushed onto anyone else, because nobody deserved that.
…
One night Seungcheol had been walking to the kitchen to grab a glass of water when he heard a muffled snoring sound coming from Jihoon's studio. As he opened the door, there on the ground, head rested on a Wolverine plushie Seugcheol had boughten him, slept Jihoon. Jihoon looked completely vulnerable as he laid there, curled up underneath his desk with a small throw blanket covering half his body. Seungcheol let out a sad sigh as he looked at the smaller boy, and slowly scooped him into his arms. Luckily for Seungcheol, Jihoon was very light and was very easy to hold as he carried the boy into the dorm room. Jihoon's grip on Seungcheol had tightened involuntarily in his sleep, and Seungcheol struggled to set the younger boy down. Seungcheol managed to coax Jihoon into releasing his hoodie as he gently set the sleeping boy down on the bed. "You will never know," Seungcheol said as he watched the boy sleeping peacefully. He carefully brushed Jihoon's bangs away as he bent down, and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. Jihoon stirred slightly but didn't awaken as Seungcheol silently stood and left the room.
…
When the producers had told the group they had prepared a candlelight ceremony, Jihoon did not expect this outcome.
"I Think... You're Special."
No. Jihoon told himself. That's not what he means. That couldn't be what he means.
"And I know you think that I'm special too."
You have no idea.
…
Debut was swiftly approaching, and feelings of doubt and insecurity were everywhere. While everyone tried not to let the stress get to them, there were still a string of questions floating around.
What if we're not good enough?
What if we don't succeed?
What will happen to us after?
…
Debut was right around the corner as the group finished their last mission of Seventeen Project; a reality show the group had participated in where they had to complete missions week after week. After their last mission, they returned to an empty stage where they were greeted by their families and the return of their team rings. While tears were shed, no one was the least bit sad. Happy? Yes. Relieved? You bet. Their dreams were finally coming true.
That night at the dorm, everyone was still in shock. Conversation didn't flow like it normally did. The usually talkative Seokmin even seemed to have nothing to say. Jihoon himself felt completely drained, but knew he would not be able to sleep that night. His plan was to go to his studio, maybe touch up the songs, check their performance, do something to benefit the team. He was already about to enter the studio when a hand grasped his wrist. "Can we talk?" the individual had asked. Jihoon didn't have to turn around to know that it was Jeonghan. He turned, and nodded his head slowly.
Jeonghan led to Jihoon to one of the dorm rooms, closing the door securely behind them. As they stood there, an awkward silence filled the room as neither boy attempted to make eye contact. "Today was... nice," Jihoon uttered shyly in an attempt to break the awkward atmosphere in the room. Jeonghan let out a small snort as he looked at the smaller boy.
"I didn't ask you here to make small talk," he spoke matter-of-factly, "I wanted to... apologize."
"For what?" Jihoon blurted before he could stop himself. He covered his mouth with his hands in an attempt to stop talking, but that didn't stop the questions from swirling around in his head. "What are you apologizing for?" "Did you do something?" "Did you break something?" "Did you touch my comic books?"
Jeonghan was staring at the ring on his finger as he spoke once again, "Do you remember when we got these?" he asked as he turned his hand back and forth. Jihoon nodded. Of course he remembered; it was the day they became a team, and subsequently the day Jihoon's heart shattered. Jeonghan let out a small albeit strained laugh as he continued staring at the ring on his hand, "I was so angry at you," he spoke calmly. Jihoon jumped at the words, Jeonghan didn't sound angry right now, but more like the calm before the storm, like at any moment Jeonghan's hair would turn into snakes and Jihoon would be frozen solid into a slab of rock. "When you became the leader of the vocal unit, I thought fate had a real sense of humor," Jeonghan continued, "here's me, the second oldest, taking orders from his dongsaeng." Jihoon swallowed harshly, he knew there must have been some resentment over the CEO's decision but he never thought he would actually hear it. "I didn't think about how you were more qualified, or how you had been training much longer than I or anyone else on the vocal team," Jeonghan refrained from turning his hand every which way and instead settled on clenching a fist. "I wanted nothing more than to destroy you, to take away something that was rightfully yours." Jeonghan unclenched his fist and looked into Jihoon's eyes, fighting off his tears as he continued, "Seungcheol."
Jihoon was frozen. Seungcheol? As in, the one person Jihoon loved and still loves with all his heart. The person who had been closer than a brother for years. And also the person who broke his heart into a million tiny pieces. Jihoon stood there, willing the tears in his eyes not to fall as he processed what he had heard. You did it on purpose? You used me? But no, that's not why Jihoon was angry. Because Jeonghan hadn't just used him, but used Seungcheol. A mumbled "I'm sorry," escaped Jeonghan's lips, but Jihoon didn't care. A fire burned in his eyes as he looked up to the older boy. He wanted nothing more than to hit him, to kick him, to hurt him in all the ways that Jihoon had been hurting the past couple months. But more importantly, he wanted to drag the prick out the door and straight to Seungcheol, because Jihoon wasn't the one who should be hearing this apology.
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," he replied coolly. Jihoon did a lot of shit in his life that he wasn't proud of; he knew he was kind of a jerk, that he was a bit too hard on his friends, but he accepted it. Seungcheol on the other hand didn't deserve this. He was the friendliest, most kind hearted person Jihoon had ever had the pleasure of knowing. Jihoon had never once heard Seungcheol talk bad about anyone. He was polite. Compassionate. Selfless. He would drop anything right then and there if someone needed him. You could say Jihoon may have even idolized Seungcheol a bit, and for good reason.
As both boys stood there once again in an awkward silence, Jihoon's blood was boiling. He needed some space. He needed to go back to his studio, he needed to go back to work, this talk had taken up enough of his time and he had to start writing lyrics for their next album now that debut was approaching. As he brushed past Jeonghan and made his way out the door, the older boy spoke up, "Jihoon?" he asked. The boy turned around, while he had heard enough of
whatever Jeonghan was spewing out of his mouth today, he stayed to hear him out. "You don't have to keep working." Jihoon scoffed, like a new song is just going to randomly write itself he thought.
"If I don't work then we all fail," Jihoon replied, "I'm not doing this for just myself."
"You're doing this for Seungcheol."
Jihoon gulped. Of course. Of course this was all for Seungcheol. Every minute, every hour, hunched over dials and papers and computer monitors; every single word written on the page has been for Seungcheol. "He's worked so hard..." Jihoon trailed off, "I can't be the one to fail him now."
"You know, you're not the only one who's been distant," spoke Jeonghan, "he misses you." Jihoon nodded, I miss him, too he muttered under his breath. He really did miss Seungcheol, he missed staying up late at night talking, he missed helping each other when the steps were too hard or the workload was too difficult, he missed having someone nagging him every few seconds asking if he did this or that, if he ate, or if he slept. He could only imagine what Seungcheol thought now that Jihoon spent every waking moment in his studio. "Go to him, tell him how you feel." Jihoon looked up, tell him? While the thought had crossed his mind on multiple occasions, could he really just go up to Seungcheol and tell him how he feels? Jeonghan must have seen Jihoon's apprehension as he placed a tender hand on the smaller boys shoulder, "He feels the same way." With that Jeonghan made his way out the door, leaving a confused Jihoon in his wake.
…
Cheers and rounds of applause erupted around the room. Shouts of Congratulations rang louder than ever as Seventeen filed into the small room. With them were a multitude of other Pledis artists; Lizzy and Raina from After School; Aron, Baekho, and Ren from NU'EST; even Jang Doyoon from their early debut days came to give Seventeen his best wishes. The CEO left no expense as the most extravagant party the boys had ever been a part of was thrown.
Jihoon had slipped away from the midst of the celebration, and made his way to a row of chairs along the wall. It seemed somebody else had the same idea as a lone figure was already sitting in one of the chairs, watching the rowdy Seventeen members as they hooted and hollered in
enjoyment. As Jihoon approached he saw that the figure wasn't just any member, but rather a newly blonde, puffy eyed boy who Jihoon knew almost too well. Seungcheol.
"Hey," Seungcheol said as Jihoon took a seat next to him. Jihoon couldn't help but notice that Seungcheol looked exhausted. His already puffy eyes even baggier from sleep deprivation, but his smile still bright as ever.
"Hey," Jihoon replied, returning the smile. "What are you doing over here?"
Seungcheol laughed slightly as he slumped in his chair and looked up towards the ceiling, stretching his long legs and back. Jihoon couldn't help but blush as he traced Seungcheol's toned body with his eyes, recognizing every curvature in his muscular figure. "Just thought I'd relax while I could," he said in his rich voice, instantly snapping Jihoon out of his trance, "I don't think we'll be getting any sleep tonight." Jihoon nodded his head in agreement. Considering how excited everyone was now that they had debuted, he would be surprised if he could get any work done tonight. The two fell into a familiar silence as they sat there together, watching as the remaining members of the group ran around, making fools of themselves. "It's been a long time coming," Seungcheol spoke after a few minutes, breaking the silence. Jihoon turned to Seungcheol who had almost a wistful look in his eyes, like he wanted to say something but the words just wouldn't come out.
"We finally made it, hyung," Jihoon said, standing from his seat. Seungcheol followed suit and stood from his seat, pulling Jihoon into a tight hug.
"Yeah," Seungcheol said as he held Jihoon up against him, "we really did."