Work Text:
This is my path…
This is what I chose…
It’s too late to quit now…
This is what I wanted…
I can live with this…
These thoughts plague me like a virus any time I let my mind slip. I have to be focused on the moment. I live minute to minute. Any time I let my mind drift to the past, regrets are all it will find. After every declaration I made that I never achieved, I learned to stop believing in myself. And yet my mind still insists that I could’ve done more… I’ve learned to live with it, however. I simply accept that my conscious and unconscious mind hold differing opinions of the being known as myself. What scares me most is when I sleep. When my unconscious mind takes over, it shows me all the things I want to run away from. That’s why I try to sleep as little as possible, to not let it get the chance. And even if I do, I sleep in small increments, so as to not let myself fall into my dreams. But on one fateful night, I let my guard down and forgot to set an alarm…
And the dream that followed would change everything…
——————————————————————————————————————————
Hitori: “Nngh…”
As my eyelids fluttered open, they were met with an intense sting of sunlight pouring in through my window, as my usual morning routine began.
Mom: “C’mon, Hitori, you can’t sleep the whole day away. Look at how nice it is today! You wouldn’t want to waste that.”
Hitori: “…Mm.”
I hated that she did this every day. I put up blackout curtains for a reason, but it was less effort to just deal with it than make a fuss, so I never said anything. Besides, it helped break me out of a dream. I haven’t had one of those in a long time… Too scary…
That’s when I noticed that my face was wet for some reason. I brought my right hand to my face in order to check and sure enough, on my cheeks were lines of water.
Hitori: “Tears…”
Mom: “Must’ve been a bad dream.”
They’re all bad dreams. That’s why I stopped sleeping. But I don’t think I’ve ever cried from one before. Must’ve been a really rough one… Luckily, my brain seems to automatically block my memory of them. Probably to protect my already close to breaking sense of self.
Mom: “Breakfast will be waiting downstairs, so don’t stay up here all day, okay? There might be something fun to do!”
Mom left the room after she said that. I could see her happily walking down the stairs towards the rest of the family. Futari was here, so I guess that meant it was a Saturday or Sunday.
Hitori: “…But why?”
Why do you keep treating me like I’m normal? ‘Don’t waste the day’? What are you even talking about? I can’t remember the last time I left the house to go anywhere other than a store…
Hitori: “Why won’t you even get angry at me…”
I guess she just never expected anything out of me to begin with. That was probably the smart choice. I would’ve led a much easier life if I had realized that myself sooner.
Hitori: “…That’s enough Hitori Goto for today.”
Hitori Goto was a loser who never achieved anything, never knew anyone, could never even say anything to anyone. That wasn’t me. I wouldn’t let that be me. After all, I’m successful… I’m guitarhero - the cover artist with over 100,000 subscribers. I make a living off of my amazing covers using skills I’ve cultivated for years, and everyone loves me. That’s who I really am… Not some loser… The internet is just where I belong…
As I burned the name ‘Hitori Goto’ from my mind, I became guitarhero and reached for my phone. I had to make sure to respond to every comment, that way everyone would know that this is where I thrive. Honestly, most of these comments are monotonous garbage that all say the same things - ‘I love this song! You did a great cover!’ ‘You play so well!’ ‘You’re guitar looks so cool!’ ‘You look cute. You should show your face!’ - Ugh. But every once in a while, I’ll get a comment from someone I can tell is into music as much as I am. They’ll recognize slight alterations I’ve made to the song to fit my style, and we’ll get to talk about the intricacies in playing that most would never be able to comprehend. That’s what I live for.
Hitori: “Maybe if I put out some originals…”
But those might flop, and that can’t be allowed to happen. guitarhero is successful, and it needs to stay that way. I’ve considered putting them out on a burner account, with no visuals and just the music, but if someone somehow connected it back to me and it was panned by everyone then I’d lose my home on the internet. That can’t be allowed to happen.
Hitori: “So I’ll just sing these to myself.”
It’s not like anyone would want to hear songs by me anyways. They’re just the complaints of a high-school dropout. That’s not cool at all…
Then, over the sound of even my own thoughts, I could hear my stomach grumbling.
Hitori: “…I guess I’m hungry. Mom said there’s breakfast, so I guess I should go downstairs.”
I’m gonna need sake if Futari’s home, though. It’s not her fault, she just makes me think of the past too much when I look at her. I try not to drink too much either, it just helps keep me in the present sometimes. One of the only benefits of being 20…
I slowly walked down the stairs, but the sheer family energy that Mom, Dad, and Futari emitted nearly made me hightail it back to my room.
Futari: “Mm? Oh, hey sis!”
It was only through Futari’s acknowledgment of me that I was able to join them. I always expected Futari to hate me for being such an unreliable older sister, but she never did. She must’ve picked up on Mom’s kindness because she only ever sees the best in me. It makes it hurt even more… That’s why I need sake around her…
Futari: “Oh! I watched your new video!”
Hitori: “…Yeah?”
Futari: “You were really cool!”
Hitori: “…Is there any song you want me to do?”
Futari: “Eh? Really?! Ummmmmmm… I can’t think of any right now, but if I do, can I send it to you?”
Hitori: “…Mm.”
The least I can do is give you something to show off to your friends. It’s not like they’d want to see Hitori Goto.
Futari: “Hmmmmmmm… I want it to be special… It’ll be really important so…”
Hitori: “…D-Do you like guitarhero that much?”
Futari: “It’s not guitarhero that’s important, it’s that my big sister is doing something special for me!! Why wouldn’t that be important?”
Hitori: “Ah…”
Don’t do that… Stop putting value into Hitori Goto… She’s worthless, useless, and can't do anything herself… My only value is as guitarhero… So cherish that… Why won’t you just do that for me?!
…I need a drink.
I walked over to the kitchen while a headache began to strike my mind. I frantically searched for my smooth savior, only to be met with disappointment.
Hitori: “…Tch.”
Dad: “What’s wrong, Hitori?”
Hitori: “…Are we out of sake?”
Dad: “Oh, um, yeah I think we finished it last night.”
He’s using ‘we’ to make me feel better. I’m the only one who drinks it.
Dad: “Do you want me to pick some up later? I’m going out anyway.”
Hitori: “…No, it’s fine. I-I’m gonna just run out to the convenience store and get some.”
I can’t sit through a whole breakfast with Futari like I am right now.
Dad: “Are you sure? I think your mom will be done-“
Mom: “It’s fine, it’s fine! I can always warm it up if it takes you longer than expected. Please, feel free to go.”
Hitori: “…Mm.”
I could tell she just wanted me out of the house. She kept going on about the day earlier, maybe this is why. Are you that desperate to laugh about me behind my back?
With these thoughts swirling in my mind, I walked to the entrance and put on my shoes, prepared to leave.
Mom: “Hitori?”
Hitori: “Y-Y-Yes??”
Mom: “Enjoy yourself today, okay?”
…?
Hitori: “…Mm.”
With those cryptic words she left me with, I took a walk towards the nearest convenience store.
For once, it felt warmer than I expected…
——————————————————————————————————————————
The convenience store wasn’t too far from us, but it was still about a 10 minute walk, a time that held far too many chances for interactions with other people in my opinion… I tried to take paths I knew to be less populated as a precaution, but it’s not like anyone would want to talk to me in the first place. With how little I sleep, I’m sure I look like a zombie, and even my normal face doesn’t really scream “come and talk to me!”… But it didn’t hurt to avoid people anyways.
I wasn’t far from it now. Just a few more minutes and I’d arrive. But right as I thought I had successfully evaded running into anyone, someone popped out from the side of a building in front of me. I immediately brought my head down so I wouldn’t make eye contact. Because of this, I didn’t really get a good luck, but I think it was a girl with red hair. Maybe if I appeared unfriendly, she would leave me alone.
???: “U-Um! Sorry, can I have your help for a second?”
Hitori: “…Eh? …Eh? Eh? Eh?”
I looked all around me, desperate to find that she was talking to someone else, before reluctantly accepting that I was the only one she could be talking to.
???: “Mm-mm, you! It’ll just be a second, I promise!”
Hitori: “A-A-A-Ah, w-well…”
I hadn’t talked to anyone who wasn’t familiar or the person at the cash register in convenience stores for years. I wasn’t entirely sure how to act or why she’d even approach someone like me, but I had to deal with it now.
???: “Thank you! You see, my friend invited me out here and then canceled on me at the last minute, after I’d already gotten here. But I figured I’d still check out whatever’s around, before immediately getting lost hehe… I was hoping you might be able to point me in the right direction?”
She had begun speaking but I wasn’t really listening. I was planning on just waiting until she was done and saying ‘I don’t know.’ before leaving, but in the meantime I’d tried to steal glances at her without making eye contact. She looked around my age, and had amber eyes with her vibrant red hair. She had this positive and friendly kind of energy that would make you think she could get along with anyone. Honestly, I couldn’t help but think she was beautiful. Which probably made it all the worse for her that she had to talk to someone like me. I bet she couldn’t wait to get this conversation over with. I need to get away from this as fast as possible and stop bothering her. And yet… a thought in the back of my mind is keeping me from doing just that. I keep thinking… That I know her from somewhere. But where? I don’t know anyone, so how could I know her? My face contorted in thought as a strange searing pain started hitting my mind… It wouldn’t go away until I figured this out… For some reason, I knew that.
???: “Umm, is everything okay?”
…Wait. Was it… at Shuka High? I have this memory of a girl everyone seemed to love… I think… I think she had red hair too. Was this the same girl? I feel like I can remember her name too… Only her family name of course. It’s not like I’d ever be close enough to know her given name… But what was it? Didn’t it sound energetic in and of itself…
…
Hitori: “Ki…ta?”
Kita: “Eh?”
Hitori: “Ahk-“
All of a sudden my heart started beating like mad. It felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. It hurt so bad. But what was even stranger was when I looked up… The world had frozen, her face - Kita’s (?) face - was stuck with a dumbfounded look on it. At first, I thought she was taking a dramatic pause, but when I looked up and saw birds staying completely still in the air.
Hitori: “Nghk!!-“
That searing pain only amplified from my realization, but why!? What was happening to me!? My mind felt disconnected from my own body, like someone else was tinkering with it, while I was forced to feel the weight of the frozen world.
Ikuyo… Kita… Ikuyo Kita
Why do I know that!?
My name is Kita Kita… My name is Kita Kita… My name is Kita Kita…
Why do I remember this??
One by one, memories that weren’t my own flooded my mind. Like a film shown out of order.
But… I think I understand what kind of band you are now.
Bocchi, are you personally satisfied with these lyrics?
The crowd is not your enemy.
You were one heck of a hero to me today, Bocchi!
Show them… How incredibly cool you really are!
Hey, Bocchi… I see you.
Keep showing us more and more… of Bocchi’s rock!
It’s definitely a downer, but it’s very Bocchi.
I’m going to keep doing my best with the guitar, so please keep guiding me! Got-… Hitori!
…
But now I’m confident… With you, my dreams can come true!
I was on stage with people I didn’t recognize. No, that’s wrong. It wasn’t “me”, it was “Bocchi”. “Bocchi” must have been their lead guitarist. “She” must have written their lyrics, and connected with the bassist through writing songs. “She” must have been found by the drummer, and ended up becoming that girl’s hope for the future. “She” must have taught the singer guitar, and become something to admire to her. “She” must have been in this band… but “I” could never be “her”. Whoever these memories belonged to, whoever this “Bocchi” was… I envy the life they lived. They are everything I wished I could be all those years ago…
…
Say, I realized it after tonight’s performance… You’re guitarhero, aren’t you?
Hitori: “Hu…h?”
And suddenly time resumed, like nothing had even happened. But everything hit me all at once and I instantly fell to my knees.
Hitori: “Nnghk-“
I couldn’t stop the tears. Whether it was just from being overwhelmed, or from what I saw, I wasn’t sure, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
Kita: “E-Eh!? Are you okay!? D-Did I do something…”
Hitori: “I-… I-!”
It was no use. I couldn’t say anything. I could only cry. Was that… really me? The drummer… said “Bocchi” was guitarhero, and that’s me… So could Bocchi really be me ?
B-But I never lived that life! Those aren’t my memories! And besides, I’m useless, I can only play guitar. There’s no way I could ever lead anyone’s dreams… But… What if… What if I didn’t give up back then? Was… Was that the life I could’ve had?
But that’s… That’s just too cruel… Why would you show that to me now!? There’s nothing I can do to live that life now !! Is this just some cruel joke!?
My tears increased with my despair. I dropped to my hands, with no awareness of what was happening around me. I just wanted to disappear. If today was just a cruel showing of the life I wasted then I truly had no reason to keep this charade of a life up any longer. This isn’t what I was supposed to do… Why am I even here…
And then, all of a sudden… A warmth enveloped me.
Kita: “It’s gonna be okay.”
For the first time, someone other than family wrapped their arms around me. Her words were spoken in a tone that soothed my soul to an extent. I stopped shaking, and just let out the remaining tears I had into her arms. It was incredibly rude considering I barely knew her, but I couldn’t stop. Her inviting aura made me feel like it was okay. So even if she hated me forever after this, I relied on her in this moment. For the first time in years, I relied on someone else.
Hitori: “…Why?”
Kita: “Huh? Ummmmm, I guess… It looked like you were about to fade away?”
Hitori: “W-What?”
Kita: “Like if I didn’t do something for you right now, there was no chance I’d ever see you again.”
Hitori: “W-Why would you want that in the first place?”
Kita: “Should I not?”
Hitori: “W-Well, that’s…”
Kita: “Don’t worry! I’m just a bit of a meddler like this. Call it a bad habit. I helped you because I would feel bad if I didn’t, so you don’t need to take any responsibility. Just let it out instead.”
Fearfully, I slowly raised my head. After all of this, there was no way I couldn’t at least look at her. I owed her that much. And when I finally brought my eyes to meet hers, I was graced with a look of genuine care that I’d never seen from anyone in my entire life. And for some person you found on the street… How could anyone be that kind?
More tears sprang forth, but no longer were they ones of sadness, not that Kita could tell the difference. In this span of minutes that felt like a peaceful eternity to me, my mind swirled around two thoughts.
Ikuyo Kita… She was the vocalist wasn’t she? She was the one who “Bocchi” taught, and the one who would eventually look up to “her”. Even though she was so great herself…
Then, I wonder…
Did “Bocchi” fall in love with her too?
…
My eyes no longer had any tears to give as I pulled away from Kita. I was preparing myself for the barrage of insults that would be hurled my way. I’m sure she didn’t expect me to cry for minutes at a time. She must’ve immediately regretted trying to help someone like me.
Kita: “Are you feeling a little better now?”
Hitori: “…Eh?”
But they never came.
Kita: “Sometimes a good cry is exactly what the doctor ordered!”
Hitori: “…I’m sorry.”
Kita: “Hey, hey! Didn’t I say to put all the responsibility on me? You don’t need to apologize. But I do want to make sure you’re alright.”
Hitori: “…Mm. I-I think I am. Thank you…”
Crap… Now I’m having trouble looking her in the eyes again. N-Not because of before, but… She was so nice to me… M-Maybe it’s just because she’s the first real person to talk to me in years but… Every time I look at her, my heart…
Kita: “U-Um, sorry to ask after all this, but would you mind telling me your name? I know you’re the guitar girl! B-But your name just seems to be escaping me, I’m really sorry… Even after you remembered mine…”
Eh? …EH!? G-GUITAR GIRL!? SHIT SHIT SHIT DOES SHE KNOW I’M GUITARHERO!? I-I-I-I ABSOLUTELY CAN’T LET THIS SPREAD OR I MIGHT LOSE MY ONLINE HOME. I-If they find out guitarhero’s actually just a loser…
Hitori: “N-N-N-N-No! Y-You’ve got it wrong!!!”
Kita: “Eh? Are you sure? I swear I remember seeing you walking around with a guitar… But you just disappeared one day.”
Hitori: “H…uh?”
Kita: “Your pink hair is pretty distinctive, you know? I was kinda mad we were in different classes when I saw you.”
Hitori: “Y-You… Noticed me at Shuka?”
Kita: “Of course! You looked like a real rocker chick! I was actually gonna tell you about a band I knew that was looking for a guitarist but then I never saw you in the halls again. I guess you moved here, huh?”
Hitori: “A-Ah, well…”
I just stopped going actually… And I’ve always lived here…
Hitori: “…G-Goto… Hitori Goto.”
Kita: “Huh? Oh! Right, it was Goto! My bad!”
For some reason, having her call me that ached my heart a little, but she only ever called “Bocchi” Hitori, not “me”. She didn’t even know “me”.
But… Someone this kind paid attention to me? And I never realized? Maybe… That vision of “Bocchi” wasn’t so impossible…
Kita: “So, what brought you out this morning, Goto?”
Hitori: “E-Eh? W-Well, um…”
I can’t tell her that I was about to buy alcohol just to be able to hold a conversation with my little sister…
Hitori: “…J-Just out for a walk.”
Kita: “Ah, gotcha! What a coincidence that we’d run into each other, huh?”
…Why is she acting like this? We weren’t friends. A simple “Wow, that’s crazy. I can’t believe it’s you. Okay, bye!” is all anyone would expect. And yet… She’s treating this like it’s some big reunion, and even talking to me like we’re friends…
Hitori: “…U-Um… Aren’t you going to ask about what j-just happened?”
Kita: “Do you want me to?”
Hitori: “Ah, I…”
Kita: “If you think talking about it will help, then I’ll listen. But if you don’t feel comfortable telling someone you don’t know that well, then that’s fine too, haha.”
Hitori: “…Why? Why are you so kind?”
Kita: “Huh? I already told you. I’m just a meddler like that!”
Hitori: “But, still…”
I couldn’t think of anything else to say. My brain felt like it was getting close to shutting off entirely. Why did I feel so tired?
And then, all of a sudden, my stomach growled at an alarming volume.
Hitori: “A-Aaaaaaaa…”
My face turned bright red. This was just reaching new levels of pathetic…
Kita: “Hehe, looks like someone else hasn’t had breakfast today. I know, why don’t we go grab some?”
Hitori: “E-Eh?? N-No, I couldn’t possibly-“
Kita: “Huhhhh? You don’t wanna?”
Hitori: “N-No! O-Of course I do! B-But I don’t want to impose on your plans like that…”
Kita: “I told you earlier silly, I don’t have any plans anymore! In fact, I guess that makes breakfast with you the plan! So if you don’t want to mess em up, you better come with me, hehe!”
Hitori: “T-That’s…”
It’s not like I was at all opposed to the idea, but a part of me just felt like this was too good to be happening to someone like me. This was a forbidden fruit, something that “I” was not allowed to have a taste of… But, is this what “Bocchi” was able to find?
Before my stomach could embarrass me further, I agreed to go with Kita. I quickly sent Mom a message that I wouldn’t be back for a while.
Kita: “Do you know any good places around here?”
Hitori: “O-Oh, no, I-I usually eat at home…”
Kita: “Gotcha. I’ll just find somewhere on Goodle maps then. Come on!”
Hitori: “Ah-“
With this declaration, she grabbed my hand and led the way. It was really embarrassing. I stayed behind her so as to not let her see my face that continued to turn red. I didn’t know why she was being so nice to me… But after years of expecting the worst, this show of genuine kindness was letting my heart do more thinking than my brain. Even though I know she’d never be interested in someone like me… I couldn’t help it. But that only made things like this more embarrassing…
Kita: “Wow, you’re really hot!”
Hitori: “EH-“
W-W-W-W-W-W-WHATTTTTT!?
Kita: “Are you sure you don’t have a fever or something?”
O-Oh… T-That’s what she meant… Of course… What were you thinking, Hitori???
Hitori: “A-Ah, n-no, I-I’m fine r-really…”
Can you just speak normally this once, please!?
Kita: “Hmmm, if you say so!”
Haah…
——————————————————————————————————————————
After some fiddling on her phone, Kita eventually found somewhere nearby for us to eat. To be honest, I was pretty scared of being in a public environment like this again, but… I didn’t want to let go of her hand. She must’ve taken this into consideration when looking however, because the place was basically completely empty when we arrived. On top of that, she brought me to a corner seat where no one could bother us even if more customers did show up. Kind and considerate, huh…
Hitori: “Ehehe…”
Kita: “Hm? What’s up?”
Hitori: “BWAH-“
Y-Y-You’re not alone in your room anymore, Hitori!! You can’t let your weird noises leak out of your brain!!
Hitori: “O-O-Oh, w-w-well, I-I was just, ummmm…”
That’s when I noticed that Kita was sitting beside me at this table. That’s odd… I mean, I don’t have any experience, but don’t people generally sit across for you?
Hitori: “I was… wondering why you’re sitting next to me…”
Kita: “Oh! Well, it’s just, in case you have another, um, moment. But I can move if you want!”
Hitori: “N-N-No!! …Ah, s-sorry, no, it’s fine…”
I was having a hard time controlling my volume. I really wasn’t used to talking this much in a day. But she wasn’t entirely wrong to be thinking about that. I still don’t know what caused that… moment in the first place. There’s no saying what could trigger it again. But still, the fact that she’s giving so much thought to some closet-dweller like me…
The server brought our menus to us and I couldn’t even say a word. Luckily, Kita gave an appropriate response, but I bet I came off as super rude… Trying not to dwell on the past, I took a look through the menu. I was thinking about picking something fancy to impress Kita, but I was so hungry that I just wanted something that I would be sure I’d like. I decided on my usual order of karaage. The server came back over and Kita ordered some trendy dish I’d never heard of. Then the attention shifted to me and I froze. I hadn’t done this in years, and I was already socially drained for the day. This is so pathetic…
Kita: “Which one do you want, Hitori?”
Kita leaned her face close to mine to see my menu. Way too close actually… The strawberry shampoo scent from her hair wafted towards me. It smelled so nice…
Awawawa, focus, girl!!!
Through my intense blush, I raised my shaking finger towards the karaage on the menu, and Kita informed the server of my order. I hope my heart is okay with its feelings being one sided because this might be the worst first impression anyone could ever make in the history of mankind. During my crisis, the server walked away and I was left alone with Kita once more.
Hitori: “…I-I’m sorry…”
Kita: “You really don’t have to keep apologizing.”
Hitori: “B-But! I keep making you do everything for me…”
Kita looked at me, but her eyes were deep in thought, as if perfectly crafting her next words to perfectly address my issues.
Kita: “…You know, Goto, I think everyone has something they excel at. And at the same time, I think we all have weaknesses. I think… The worst thing anyone could ever do is look down on someone else for their weaknesses. Instead, we should use our strengths to help those who need it. Helping other people… Is all I’m really good at. So, just let me do it, okay?”
Hitori: “I-I’m not… A bother to you?”
Kita: “I told you before, didn’t I? It’s not like I’m doing this out of pity or something. I just want to help you because that’s what I’m good at. Also, you seem to have a really bad opinion of yourself. I’m not gonna pretend like I know everything about you, but from what’s gone on today, I think you’re a good person. Isn’t that enough?”
How could she have come to that conclusion?? I’ve been nothing but unhelpful the entire time she’s been with me. How on earth could I be a good person?
But of course I didn’t have the willpower to voice any of these thoughts, so I simply nodded and carried on. Eventually our food was brought over and the conversation slowed down a little. But it was clear that Kita was not a fan of silence, as her expression turned catlike in curiosity.
Kita: “So, what do you usually get up to, Goto?”
Hitori: “E-Eh? W-What do you mean?”
Kita: “Mmmm, I guess it might be easier if I ask what you plan to do after this?”
Hitori: “O-Oh, well…”
I considered coming up with some lie about being a party animal that gets drunk with band mates, but considering how much of the real me she’s already seen…
Hitori: “…P-Probably just… Go home and play guitar…”
It wasn’t technically a lie.
Kita: “Ohhh! You still play, huh? That’s amazing!”
Hitori: “…Still?”
Oh, right. She recognized me because I carried around my guitar in that first year.
Kita: “Are you in a band?”
Hitori: “…N-No, I-I play solo… I-I upload covers, sometimes…”
If I told her I was guitarhero, I could gain some coolness back… But if she was already a fan and found out this was the real me, that might just disappoint her even more…
Kita: “Woahhhh, that’s awesome! Can I see some of them?”
Crap, of course she was gonna ask that, what was I thinking!? Ahh, ahh, I really don’t wanna show her… How can I change the topic…
Hitori: “W-Well… Ummmmmm… O-Oh! T-That’s right! E-Earlier, d-didn’t you say you wanted to a-approach me at school about a b-band or something?”
Kita: “Huh? Oh, yeah! They were called Kessoku Band, and they were looking for a guitarist and vocalist!”
My heart stopped. I hadn’t remembered it up to this point, but the moment I heard those words, I knew…
Kessoku Band… was the band that “Bocchi” was in…
Kita: “I actually tried to join at one point because I had a crush on their bassist, ehehe… But it didn’t end up working out, so I moved on.”
It’s seeming more and more likely… That “Hitori Goto” really is “Bocchi”… Or rather, “Bocchi” was one possibility of “Hitori Goto”. Almost like routes in a video game. But “I” was “Hitori Goto” and I couldn’t imagine being “Bocchi”… “She” looked so happy… Even when it was stressful, “she” would push through… “I” could never do that… But, maybe… If “I” made different choices back then, “I” could have been “Bocchi”… “I” could have been happy…
If that’s the case… If Kessoku Band can bring “Hitori Goto” happiness, then… maybe “I” can’t be “Bocchi” anymore, but… Can “I”… Still get to be happy? If I find Kessoku Band now… Will “my” life have not been a waste?
The crowd’s cheers… Fans of “Bocchi”… If someone like “me”… If “I” could have that… Then!
Hitori: “K-K-Kita!!”
Kita: “Ah-Yes??”
Even Kita was shocked by my volume this time, but I couldn’t stop my emotions from bursting forth.
Hitori: “K-Kessoku Band!! A-Are they still around!?”
Kita: “Ah…”
The look on her face turned to one of regret. I could tell from that expression what the answer was, but I wouldn’t let this passion die just yet. Kita eventually gave in and provided me with my answer.
Kita: “No. They tried a ton of different people, but they never found the right guitarist or vocalist. Eventually, they both gave up and retired the band.”
Hitori: “Oh… So, then… Neither of them perform anymore?”
Kita: “Huh? No, no, they totally do. They’re freelance now. They’re both so good that they just play for whoever they find interesting, but they’re never permanent members.”
Hitori: “!? They still play!?”
Then… My hope isn’t lost yet!
Hitori: “Do you know where I could find them!?”
Kita: “E-Eh?? Right now?? Um, probably at Starry like usual. That’s at least where I always see Senp-, I mean the bassist perform.”
Hitori: “T-T-Then! Can you take me there!?”
Kita: “Hmmmmm… Well, I have to go in that general area to get home anyways, so… Sure! I guess our little adventure today continues, Goto!”
…
Hitori: “…U-Um, can I ask you one more favor?”
Kita: “Mm-hm!”
Hitori: “Can you… Can you call me Hitori?”
——————————————————————————————————————————
The drum’s cymbals still rang out after she’d stopped playing, while the bass’ low hum slowly faded from volume. There was no audience to this duet’s masterful performance besides the studio walls. The duo had no reason to be practicing together. While they were both performing in concerts at Starry, the live house close by, they neither played in the same band nor were they playing a show tonight. And yet, as if fate willed it so, they had come here today to practice…
Nijika: “Hey… Do you ever regret it?”
Ryo: “What?”
Nijika: “Kessoku Band. Do you ever look back and feel like we should’ve tried harder?”
Ryo: “…No.”
Nijika: “Haah, yeah, that tracks. You were always the one who rejected the guitarists we’d audition.”
Ryo: “That’s because none of them were right for the band. And besides, there was one I was fine with.”
Nijika: “Yeah, and she ran away…”
Ryo: “…Then maybe that was the first sign that it wouldn’t work out.”
Nijika: “Maybe… But… I don’t know. I just felt like Kessoku Band was gonna lead me to my dreams. Of course, I’m happy with what we’re doing now. Playing for other bands is fun. I constantly have to improve and adapt with each new style.”
Ryo: “…But?”
Nijika: “…I think I’m still waiting for Kessoku Band to bring me happiness somehow. And it stops me from being happy in the now.”
A silence ensued between the two. Neither knew how to continue the conversation.
Nijika: “Ahhhhh, sorry, sorry! I’m not supposed to be the overthinking type! Let’s just head back to Starry and bother Sis for a bit.”
Ryo: “…Mm.”
The bassist may have appeared aloof or uncaring in the conversation, but truly she was hurting just as much as the drummer. The thing she cared about most along with music was her drummer’s happiness. That’s why it pained her beyond belief that she was not the one who could bring it to her, at least not the kind she was looking for. In truth, part of the reason why the bassist began playing in other bands was to search for a suitable guitarist and bring back the band her drummer loved, and yet…
——————————————————————————————————————————
Kita: “This is it!”
Hitori: “Ah! This is…”
Definitely the place in “Bocchi’s” memories!
Kita had taken me on the train and led me all the way to Starry. I was amazed at how much this girl was willing to do for some weirdo she met on the street, but I was even more so grateful.
Kita: “I guess it’s a bit silly to ask at this point, but are you sure you want to do this? I think the band is a bit of a sore spot for them. If you don’t have something really important to say, I wouldn’t recommend bringing it up at all.”
My resolve wavered for a moment. This was an entirely selfish action with no consideration for the other parties’ feelings… But… If what I saw was true, then I know they’re longing for something more the same way I am… My resolve wavered for a moment, but only a moment.
Hitori: “…Mm. I’m sure.”
Kita: “Good! I figured it had to be important, but I can rush into things head first sometimes, ehehe… Well, I’ll leave you to it then.”
Hitori: “W-Wait!!”
Just as Kita turned to walk away, I called out to her.
Kita: “What’s wrong?”
Hitori: “U-Um, I-I want you to come t-too…”
Kita: “Eh? But isn’t this about Kessoku Band?”
You have to be there too…
Hitori: “Please…”
Kita: “Hmmmm, I don’t really get it! But if that’s what you want, then there’s no reason for me not to.”
Hitori: “…T-Thank you.”
I had to use all of my effort to stop my heart from taking over my brain before this important moment.
This was it. Now or never. “Hitori Goto’s” life would be decided by this encounter. Whether “she” was 15 or 20, “I” knew this to be true. But whether that life would be a good one or not…
Agh! No use stopping now!!
With all the resolve I could muster from my pessimistic mind, I opened the door into Starry and walked in. The scene before me was exactly like the one in “Bocchi’s” memories. And just like in “her” memories, a blonde haired woman quickly came to greet… to see us.
Seika: “We’re not open yet.”
Hitori: “M-Manager…”
Just as cold in person, I see…
Seika: “Huh? I’m not your manager.”
Hitori: “A-Ah, n-no, w-what I meant was- ah, um…”
Even though I knew it was coming, I still can’t help not being able to deal with people like her!!
Kita: “Oh, hi Manager!”
Seika: “Haah, you don’t even work here anymore, runaway guitarist.”
Kita: “Gah!! I’ll never escape that no matter how many shows of yours I attend, huh…”
Seika: “First impressions stick like that, kid. Plus, Nijika’s the one who calls you that. I’m just used to it. Blame her.”
Hitori: “A-Ah, Nijika… U-Um! I-Is Nijika here?”
Seika: “What, are you Nijika’s friend or something? You should’ve just said so…”
Scratching the back of her head, she went towards the back of Starry to fetch Nijika.
Kita: “Bring Ryo too!”
Seika: “What am I, your personal errand girl?”
Despite her complaints, Manager told both Nijika and Ryo to head to the front and talk with us. As they both got closer, I saw Nijika perk up-
Nijika: “Runaway guitarist!!”
Kita: “Awawawa… I said I was sorry…”
Ryo: “Yo, Kita.”
Kita: “Ryo-senpai!”
Ryo: “Aren’t you in college now? Pretty sure I’ve lost senpai status.”
Kita: “Old habits die hard, Senpai!”
Ryo: “Hm.”
Nijika: “So, who’d you bring with you?”
Kita: “Oh, I didn’t bring her. She actually brought me herself.”
Nijika: “Oh, I see. Well, Starry is a pretty good date spot if I do say so myself but we’re not playing tonight. Sorry to disappoint.”
…
WAIT WAIT WAIT! DID SHE SAY DATE!?
Hitori: “N-N-No!! T-This- T-This isn’t-“
Kita: “Eh? This was a date?”
WHY ARE YOU ASKING!? I TOLD YOU WHY I WAS COMING!
As I frantically moved my body to show denial in a less than human like manner, I realized I had to shift the conversation. And fast.
Hitori: “U-Um!! Ijichi, Yamada!! C-C-C-Could I be p-permitted t-to ask you two a q-question!?”
Nijika: “Eh? Oh, um, sure? But it seems like this’ll be a while so let’s sit down. And tell us your name first.”
Hitori: “H-H-Hitori Goto!!”
Nijika: “Mm-mm. Hitori, then. I guess you already know my name, but just call me Nijika!”
Ryo: “I let everyone, friends and fans alike, call me Ryo.”
Nijika: “Yeah, you don’t have any of that second group.”
Kita: “Not true!”
Nijika: “Ahaha… Right, forgot we had your number one fan here.”
The playful banter continued as we made our way to a table. It wasn’t exactly like “her” memories but it was similar. It still felt like… a band.
Ryo: “…So? What did you wanna ask?”
Hitori: “A-Ah, well, um…”
This was my big moment, and I was deathly afraid of messing it up. My entire future may ride on the next words I speak…
Kita: “Hitori.”
Hitori: “E-E-Eh!?”
Startled by her calling me by my first name for the first time, my face raced over to meet her eyes. They were somehow soothing to me, as if telling me that it would all be okay if I just took my time. I don’t know how a look held so much power, but it was the remedy my soul needed. With this, I readied myself for the future within my reach.
Hitori: “U-Um! I-I’m not good with words, s-so I’m sorry if this takes a while!”
Nijika: “It’s fine, it’s fine.”
Hitori: “Then… When I was in high school, I never thought anyone would notice me. I tried to make people approach me by bringing things like my g-guitar to school but still no one did… Eventually, I thought… M-Maybe I just don’t want to be noticed… I had the internet. I-I could be happy there… And I was. I thought I was… B-But I thought back and remembered… Kessoku Band.”
Both Nijika and Ryo tensed up a bit when I said this. Kita was right. It was a sore spot, but I wasn’t gonna stop now.
Hitori: “…Back then, you were looking for a guitarist and vocalist. W-While I couldn’t have sung, I-I’m sure I could’ve played guitar for you, a-and well!! B-But… Because I was afraid… Because I was afraid of trying… I never did. B-But now… I can’t stop thinking that… Maybe I would’ve been a lot happier if I had played for you, instead of retreating into my shell…”
It’s not entirely true, “I” didn’t even know of Kessoku Band. But it’s true enough with “Bocchi’s” memories.
Hitori: “I-I know you’ve already broken Kessoku Band up… A-And I know it’s entirely selfish of me to ask this… B-But! I-If you have the same feeling I do! That feeling that you could be happier… Then please… Please bring back Kessoku Band… With all four of us this time…”
Kita: “Eh? Four? You’re including me?”
Hitori: “Of course… Y-You’re the only one who could ever play rhythm guitar and sing for us!”
Kita: “Eh!? B-But I gave up on playing years ago!”
Hitori: “T-Then I’ll teach you!! Please just… Give me a chance…”
I can’t stop reaching for it now… Not when my happiness could be right in front of me…
Kita still looked unsure. If she was in college, this might have been a bigger commitment for her than it was compared to high school. So she looked to Nijika and Ryo to see their reactions. A silence brewed while everyone thought it over.
Ryo: “…Nijika?”
Nijika: “…Hmmm. Well, you’re kind of asking a lot of us here, ahaha… We tried for a whole year, you know? Kinda hard to just ignore all that and decide it’ll work out this time… But, what about you, Ryo?”
Ryo: “…Sorry. I lied earlier.”
Nijika: “Huh?”
Ryo: “I do regret it. Every day.”
Nijika: “Ryo…”
Ryo: “Hitori… Seems a little strange on a first impression. I mean, who randomly shows up and asks a band that never really existed to form up again because they want it?”
Hitori: “Gah…”
Can’t say she’s wrong…
Ryo: “But… I like her. I wanna play with her.”
Nijika: “Do you… really mean it!?”
Nijika’s eyes sparkled. Despite the mature demeanor she had been giving since we started talking, the same childlike wonder in “Bocchi’s” memories appeared in her eyes at this moment.
Nijika: “…Ahaha! Well, if Ryo’s in, then no hecking way am I saying no!”
Hitori: “Ah… T-T-Thank you so much!!”
I was so happy. This could’ve gone horribly wrong but… I knew that they were searching for it too… The happiness that Kessoku Band brings… But there was still one left…
Hitori: “Then, Kita…”
Kita: “…Hnnnnnng, you don’t leave a girl much choice here, do you Hitori? Ehehe! Got it. If you really want me in that bad, and everyone else is okay with it, then I’ll do my best to learn from you and not hold anyone back!”
I looked towards Nijika and Ryo searching for any disapproval, but they both looked completely fine with my proposition.
Ryo: “Looks like you’ll finally get to ditch the runaway guitarist nickname, Kita.”
Nijika: “Wouldn’t be the first thing she’s ditched…”
Kita: “I-I’ll never miss a single meeting or practice in my entire life, I promise!!”
Nijika: “Hoh? I’ll hold you to that, you know?”
Hitori: “…Hehe.”
Suddenly, everyone looked at me in shock. What? Did I do something!?
Hitori: “W-W-What?”
Kita: “I’ve been with you all day, but that’s the first time you’ve laughed… Or even smiled actually.”
Nijika: “Mm. You should do it more often. You’re hiding such a cute face!”
Hitori: “E-Eh??”
This barrage of compliments was not something I was prepared for…
Ryo: “No, keep your mysterious look, making sure to only smile at rare occasions. It’ll increase your fanbase and get theories about your tragic past trending and-“
Nijika: “We’ve been back for a total of five minutes and you’re already thinking about marketing?”
Ryo: “Money never sleeps.”
Nijika: “That doesn’t even make sense…”
Ryo: “Hm.”
Nijika: “Stop saying ‘hm’ when you can’t think of anything to say!!”
Ryo: “Hm.”
Nijika: “Grrrrrrr.”
Hitori: “…Hehe!”
Yeah, I knew it… We really are like a band. Even just meeting each other… I think… I think I can look forward to this future.
Kita: “Say, say, Hitori! Didn’t you say you have videos of you playing up?”
Hitori: “Eh?”
Why are you bringing that up now?
Nijika: “Oh! I wanna see! Give me a taste of who I’m playing with!”
Ryo: “What’s the channel name?”
Hmmm… Do I lie?
No, maybe this is actually a good chance to earn some credit. Even if I’m this kind of person, knowing I’m a good player should give them faith in the band too, right?
Hitori: “Ah, um… g-guitarhero…”
…
Nijika: “Eh?”
Kita: “N-No way…”
Ryo: “…Kita, you didn’t tell us you brought a celebrity.”
Hitori: “Eh? Eh? Eh? Y-You all know me?”
Nijika: “K-Know you!? I-… N-No, nevermind… Jeez, why didn’t you start with that… I never would’ve hesitated…”
Hitori: “Ah, um… Sorry, but! I-I didn’t want to ask you as guitarhero… I wanted to ask you as Hitori Goto.”
Nijika looked at me, as if searching my eyes for the truth of my words, before returning an understanding look.
Nijika: “Well, in my experience, people who play alone still take time to adapt to a band anyways, so you still would’ve needed to prove yourself to me. Even if you’re guitarhero!”
Ryo: “…Liar.”
Nijika: “Shut up, you.”
…Wait, I’m gonna suck even though I’m guitarhero??? Then what was the point of playing all those crappy pop songs!?
Hitori: “Awawawawa…”
Kita: “So, should we call you guitarhero in the band?”
Hitori: “Ah…”
…
Hitori: “No. A-Actually, I wanna go by… Bocchi.”
Nijika: “Eh? I-Isn’t that a little mean?”
Ryo: “I like it. Bocchi.”
Hitori: “Ehehe.”
Even though I have the memory of being called by a nickname, hearing it with my own ears makes it so much better…
Nijika: “Well, if you like it, then I’m fine with it.”
Kita: “I-I think I’ll stick with Hitori…”
Hitori: “Mm! Thank you everyone!”
…
Nijika: “Alright, everyone. Today was pretty crazy. I have no idea what the future has in store for us. I mean, I had no idea what was in store for me today! But… I feel really optimistic for some reason. We’re probably going to have a hard time getting our feet off the ground… But I believe in us! Kessoku Band is about unity, so let’s keep getting closer to each other and grow as a band!”
Ryo: “Mm. I’m looking forward to playing with everyone. Be sure to practice hard. I won’t accept failure.”
Kita: “Y-Yes! I-I’ll do my best!”
Nijika: “…Failure of what exactly?”
Hitori: “Everyone… T-Thank you… I-I want to make Kessoku Band the best band ever… E-Even more popular than guitarhero… S-So!”
I couldn’t really think of any other words to say, but everyone looked back at me cheerfully anyways. I knew for sure, I had finally found it. My new happiness, and my new home.
——————————————————————————————————————————
After celebrating the new formation of Kessoku Band, I left to head back home, while Kita offered to walk me to the station. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I didn’t refuse her offer.
Kita: “Well! Today went pretty well, huh?”
Hitori: “E-Eh? O-Oh, um, y-yes!”
Kita had been there for me the entire day. She barely even knew me, yet she saw this all through until the end…
Hitori: “…U-Um! T-Thank you for everything today! I-I know you said it’s just what you do, but… It still m-meant a lot to me! I-I… I hope I didn’t force you into something you didn’t want to do…”
Kita: “Ehehe, I would’ve just said no if that was the case, silly.”
Oh yeah, people can do that.
Kita: “Of course, part of the reason I joined is because of how much you wanted me to, but… I wouldn’t have joined if I didn’t want to myself as well. A band is… a special kind of relationship. Closer than friendship, relationships, or even family sometimes. I’ve always wanted something like that. And you… You gave me that opportunity, Hitori! Besides, I wanted to keep contact with you anyways, and this is an easy way!”
Hitori: “Kita…”
I guess I knew from “Bocchi’s” memories, but a band really is something special to her… N-Now, if I can just live up to how she saw “Bocchi”…
Kita: “Oh! Right! Speaking of contact, I was gonna give you this earlier, but now it’s for a more sensible reason.”
She held out an array of numbers on her screen. It must have been some kind of code, but I didn’t recognize it.
Hitori: “U-Um, what is this?”
Kita: “My number, silly!”
Hitori: “GWAH-“
S-S-Someone else’s number!?!? The only people I have in my contacts list are family members!! Am I finally adding one more!?
Kita: “I’ll send you Nijika and Ryo-senpai’s in a bit too, okay?”
Hitori: “Ah, o-okay…”
That’s a lot of new contacts… Ehe, ehehe… Wait a minute… Now what she said earlier…
Hitori: “U-Um, Kita? W-Why were you originally gonna give me this before we became band mates?”
Kita: “Hmmmm, I wonder <3”
Hitori: “???”
Kita seemed to be implying something that I wasn’t understanding at all. But before I could ask for further details…
Kita: “Oh, you better hurry. You’re gonna miss the train if you keep talking with me!”
Hitori: “Huh? Ah, y-y-you’re right! S-Sorry Kita, I-I gotta sprint to make it. I-I’ll t-t-t-t-text you later if that’s allowed!!”
And before waiting for a response, I zoomed away faster than humanly possible, fueled solely by a futile attempt to escape my embarrassment.
Once on the train, I reflected over the events of the day. Although it started at a low point, I think it’s fair to say today was one of the best days of my life. I’m scared for the future. I’m not sure that will ever change. But… I’m looking forward to it. To facing it together with Kessoku Band. It’ll be a learning experience, but if it’s with them, I’m willing to go through it! This is a new beginning for me, for Hitori Goto… I may never be “Bocchi”, but I’ll be my own Bocchi. And I won’t let anything stop me, even myself…
Hitori: “I think… I’ll have a nice dream tonight…”
——————————————————————————————————————————
…
The night before I met Kessoku Band…
I had a dream.
I was in a dark void. There was nothing around me. I could feel the absolute pointlessness of my existence in such a blank space. But only upon further inspection did I see a girl across from me. She looked a lot like me. In fact… She was me. The 15 year old me. The one who dropped out of high school.
Bocchi: “I-I h-haven’t dropped out of high school!! …Y-Yet.”
Hitori: “Eh? Why?”
Bocchi: “Why? Hmmmmm, because… I want Kessoku Band to make enough money for that to be viable first, I guess.”
Hitori: “Kessoku… Band?”
Bocchi: “Eh? Aren’t you a future me? Did you already forget your first band!?”
Hitori: “No, I never… Joined a band…”
Bocchi: “Oh… T-Then maybe you’re… An alternate me… C-C-Could it be the organization!?”
Hitori: “B-But you’re no mad scientist…”
Bocchi: “Hm… Then maybe we’re seeing each other for a reason?”
Hitori: “A reason… Maybe… Then tell me, are you happy right now? With Kessoku Band?”
Bocchi: “…It was really tough at first. I wasn’t sure if I was as invested in the band as everyone else, and I didn’t want to bring them down. Being in a band involved a lot more than just playing guitar like I had thought… But, those challenges never hurt me. Because I had everyone with me… They gave me my first nickname, Bocchi, they took me on my first summer trip, they gave me my first school festival experience… And I love playing with them. I wouldn’t trade my band for anything in the world. So… Yes, I’m happy!”
Hitori: “A-And, do you have important people in your life now? M-More than just family?”
Bocchi: “Mm-hm! Nijika found me and recruited me! She’s really nice and helps me whenever I’m anxious! Ryo’s also understanding of me, though I wish she’d pay me back sometimes. And Ikuyo… She’s my… G-Girlfriend. I-I-I don’t even know how it happened, but… I-I love her. For sure. B-But even beyond that, there’s Manager and PA who help me at the club. And Hiroi who helped me overcome my fear of the audience! A-And I even have my own fans now! N-Not just guitarhero, but people who come to shows for me!”
Hitori: “…And how do you feel about the future?”
Bocchi: “…It’s scary. The world is always scary. It keeps spinning without asking anyone if they’re keeping up. But… I trust my band mates to pull me up if I fall behind… So I look forward to every day with them!”
Hitori: “Why…”
Bocchi: “Huh?”
Hitori: “Why does someone like you get to be happy!? You’re a lonely, pathetic loser who can only ever fit in online!! Love!? That’s something you’ll only ever get from your family, and even then ‘pity’ is probably more accurate! A dog probably has better social interaction skills than you! And yet you have fans !? T-That’s not… That’s not fair…”
Bocchi: “…”
Hitori: “Am I… Am I living a worthless life? All because I never found Kessoku Band?”
Bocchi: “…I think… You’ll love yourself a little more if you find Kessoku Band. Even now.”
Hitori: “H…uh?”
Bocchi: “You have worth and effects on people that you don’t even realize… I can’t speak on the life you’ve lived but… I know the base of how you’re feeling. You’re still me after all. I don’t think you’ll ever live the same life as me, but… Who said that means you’ll never find happiness?”
Hitori: “B-But… Finding them all now… T-That’s just too impossible…”
Bocchi: “No, I think if you have the resolve to do so, Kessoku Band will find each other. That’s what our unity means. I think…”
Hitori: “Can I… Really be happy?”
Bocchi: “Yeah! If I can, then there’s no reason you can’t! You just need your band, hehe.”
Hitori: “That… Sounds nice.”
I couldn’t help the tears falling from my eyes. It was like I had been told I could reach salvation. With this renewed sense of self in my heart, I slowly drifted back into the world of consciousness, leaving any memory of this encounter in the far reaches of my mind.
Bocchi: “Even if neither of us remember this moment, I hope… Our feelings reach others when we need it most… So, good luck, Hitori Goto… Make your own happy future!”