Chapter Text
The metal doorknob was cold, briefly distracting from the compress over her right eye. Cyrus had caught her on her way back and forced her to go down to the infirmary to grab one, even threatening to throw her over his shoulder and take her if he had to- which was humiliating. So she went willingly and begrudgingly.
Pushing into the room, her shoulders relaxed and a breath made its way out of her lungs as soon as she stepped through. There was a calm to the familiarity, the neat and orderly layout of two beds across the way, two nightstands in the center space with a window in the middle, as well as two desks pushed against the opposing wall.
"Donnie! Guess wha- what the hell happened to you?" Ulla piped up from where she was sitting on her bed, looking through some papers that she quickly set aside. Hurrying over, her friend shrugged and kicked the door closed with her heel.
"Interrogation," Most people would have backed off at that, the dryness of it all, the tone that could freeze water, but the shorter followed at her heels as she sat down on her mattress.
"Why wasn't he restrained?"
"I could handle it." Donella carefully removed the cold compress from her eye, setting it down on the nightstand and blinking. The skin felt slightly tacky from the dampness, stiff as her vision blurred before it cleared. Ulla's shocked yet annoyed face came into view. Her freckles shifted as she pursed her lips and crossed her arms.
"Clearly not." Her exasperation didn't last long, it never did, never could. Resting one hand on her knee to support her weight, she moved in close to get a better look, no other reason. The skin was swollen- swelling, red around the edges and starting to turn blue and black. She could see the faint outline of knuckles in the coloring, nasty thing. Her eyes naturally avoided the other injuries on her friend's face- the old ones. The ones from the crash. The ones she has given her. She swallowed hard.
Neither realized the other holding their respective breath, stagnant still except for hesitant movements as if they were afraid to break what little they had.
"A tiny scratch doesn't hurt." Donella eventually relented, their calm dissipating as her counterpart sighed loudly and hung her head. She felt the weight increase on her knee.
"You know I hate it when you do that." She grumbled and straightened up a bit so that the taller had to look up at her for once. Taking the opportunity, she let her hands gently rest on her shoulders, her fingertips brushing the place where they curved into her neck.
Blinking her green eyes didn't do much to quell her this time, probably because one of them was in the process of swelling closed. But she still tried. "Do what?"
A scoff but whatever angered feeling she was trying to emote disappeared with that smile. The very one that chased away storm clouds and made Donella's own heart clench. "You get all... stony. And you say that thing you always do, what was it? Kiss me?"
"Well since you asked so nicely." She chided only to receive a punch to the shoulder. Laughing, she held her hands up in mock surrender, at which Ulla pressed her palms against her own and interlaced their fingers.
"What's the rest of it, Don? Come on!" It was something her friend said at the strangest of times, so much so that she definitely knew what it was. But things were more fun this way, especially when she purposely leaned forwards a bit too much, tipping their careful balance and forcing Donella back into her mattress while her hands pressed the other's down. The curves and dips of them melted together as if they were once one. "Come on, what is it?"
She tilted her chin up to get a better look at her, blowing a strand of loose gray hair from her face while also making Ulla scrunch her nose from the breeze. "Kiss me, Hardy."
"Yeah, that!" She paused for a second to quell her excitement because she was supposed to be scolding her right now. "And then you do something completely hardass! What does that even mean? Does the Hardy mean hardass?"
A short laugh, almost curt in its delivery if laughter could be such a thing. "No, it doesn't really mean anything." Her hands squeezed Ulla's gently, she ran her thumb down the side, "It's just- something to say to calm the nerves."
Scoffing, she stood up again and helped Donella to her feet, fixing her hair for her and then her collar. "And they say I'm the reckless one." She muttered before her face fell and grew more solemn. It wasn't as if the brightness that danced on her freckles and sparked in her eyes faded, it just changed.
Lifting her delicate hand, Ulla hesitated with it hovering to the side. She still shook at the sight of them, like claw marks or cracks. Donella had told her, shouted at her to turn back- but she pushed on. She thought, no she believed, that she could finish their mission at any cost. But the price was too great, bridges crossed without even knowing she reached the other side- without realizing she started. It was her fault. She knew it was.
Her bottom lip trembled as Donella's hand gently guided her to her face, holding it against her cheek. Her touch soothed her scars more than any ointment, balm, or compress could. Even if the other couldn't believe that.
Her breath hitched, she stayed frozen for a few seconds before allowing herself to relax and her fingers to mold into shape, to cup her cheekbone and align with her jaw. She brushed her thumb over the pointed tips of the scars, then across the edge of her blackening eye.
Her touch was gentle, faint, and delicate. It made Donella feel as if she were dainty, less hardened around the edges- less unlovable. A wordless interaction, but she knew what it meant. I hate it when you hurt even if you don't.
Slowly, she traced down the jagged lines until her touch hooked under her jawbone. Then, she let her hand fall to the side but Ulla lingered and took a step closer. She noticed her blue eyes getting watery.
"I'm so sorry," Her words were quiet, breathless. She silently scolded herself for getting teary, for turning into a mess when the other was always so stoic. It was her face, after all. But, as if sensing her anger, Donella turned into her palm, the corner of her lips brushing her skin as she looked down. Her fingertips skirted over more of her bruise and when the taller spoke she could feel faint brushes of her breath.
"I know," A pause, she reached out and tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, her thumb running along her cheekbone. "And I forgive you. I've always forgiven you."
She sniffed, "I know."
Donella lifted her chin, leaning down to gently press a kiss to her friend's hairline. "We're okay," Her lips muttered against her skin, lingering for a few seconds before she straightened. "Now, what were you going to tell me about earlier?"
Ulla was flushing, her cheeks rosy as she stared up at her. Her eyes were round, so much so that they threatened to take over the rest of her features. "Oh um- I-" She had to step away to get her thoughts together, they twirled around her and skirted just out of reach. Taking the papers, now seen with an envelope tucked into them, she held the stack up. "Varian sent me some pictures!"
That was her invitation to sit down on the shorter's bed, while her friend in turn jumped onto the mattress and got comfortable against her pillows. The fighting broke out soon after she and Quirin separated. While looking through the photos, Donella noticed the way the other softened at them, how her fingers would brush over her son's face as if trying to feel his touch- or how they lingered on the coffee mug like she was mere seconds away from sitting down and joining.
"You miss him?" She allowed Ulla to curl up against her side and rest her head on her shoulder.
"Every day," To her dismay the stack ended, and her fantasy of her son's university life drifted off with them. She was supposed to be there. What sort of mother chose to send her own son away? "Do you think it was a mistake?"
Donella already knew what she was asking about without clarification and shook her head, "He was too young to enlist. And growing up in a war-torn country... you and Quirin did the best you could for him."
"Sometimes the best is still a mistake." She tucked the photos back into the envelope and climbed over her friend, accidentally putting too much weight on her abdomen which she was quickly alerted to with a hiss. Pulling open her nightstand, she tucked it into the stack of identicals and sighed, laying over Donella's stomach with her upper third hanging off the bed.
"I don't know how you find time for all this," A change in subject was necessary. Some issues were better to talk about, others were unfixable and one just learned to live with the hurt. Ulla looked over at her gratefully as she continued, "Writing letters, keeping in touch with Quirin, all those flight and marksman drills-" She paused, lightly nudging her side, "And with a few nights to spare for whatever dopey sap decides to ask you out."
Groaning at the last comment, she was beginning to feel rather good about herself until that point. Donella kept her ego in check. She sat up and swiped her pillow, lightly smacking her with it. "It's so I can let them down easy! Can't have a broken heart killing them." She flipped her hair to add to the effect, catching an eye-roll in exchange.
"Still though, how do you do it?"
"Well," Ulla set the pillow in her lap and stared down as she folded her hands atop it, "When you spend so much time up in the air- you learn to make the most of things on the ground. But what I do's nothing compared to you."
"What do you mean?" She raised an eyebrow and shifted to rest her legs on top of the mattress, "You implying I have a secret kid hidden away somewhere?"
That got a little giggle out of her friend as she shook her head, "No! You just- maintain two lives."
"No," The word slipped out before Donella had time to correct her tone, she glanced away and stared at her lap. "I don't. When I'm not undercover I feel like I know who she is better. Celeste has a life, I can tell you everything- her wants, her hopes, her dreams. And then you get to me and- It's like I'm a poorly developed alias."
She laughed, Ulla didn't. Maybe the implication that she didn't have a real personality was only comical to herself . Maybe there was comfort in kidding, sanctuary in pretending to be someone different so she didn't have to deal with the feeling of greeting a stranger upon looking in a mirror. That wasn't her reflection. She wasn't real.
"Well," She reached over and took her fidgeting hands, "I like my Donella a whole lot better than whoever Celeste Foster is."
That did bring a smile to her face, a real one as she nodded and returned the squeeze. "Thanks." At least one of us does.
~~
That night, in addition to the constant hum of machinery and work going on just beyond their wall and window, was the tossing and turning of Ulla from across the room. Eventually, she got sick of it and chucked her only pillow in that direction, hearing a thump followed by brief silence. "You're being restless." She mumbled with her cheek pressing into the back of her knuckles.
"I'm searching for something." The voice called from across the way. She sighed heavily and grunted as a response, something Ulla instantly understood. "Companionship." She answered and could make out her friend's form in the dim moonlight begrudgingly getting up and walking over.
Nudging her shoulder, Donella crawled under the covers with her and- as if following her lead in a dance- allowed Ulla to get comfortable however she wanted. Eventually, they settled with her head resting on the shorter's chest, one of her arms around her waist holding her close. "You're thinking about something," When she spoke she could feel her collarbone pressing into her own cheek.
There was a long pause as she ran her fingers through her gray hair, petting the back of her head affectionately and hooking her leg over hers, pulling her even closer as if she was afraid that something would come and take her away.
"I like you." She started, feeling her heart rate quicken and hoping that Donella wouldn't much notice in her sleepy state. That's when it felt most safe yet dangerous- where truths flowed easier from the lips but also failed to reach their intended minds. It was a careful toe-to-toe they engaged with often.
Holding her breath, Ulla didn't even realize she was doing so until her chest started to ache. Exhaling slowly to avoid alerting her, she waited anxiously as her friend crafted a response.
"I know."
"And... you like me." She knew the answer and yet her mind still buzzed like they were schoolgirls again.
"I do," Donella squeezed her gently as she spoke, feeling the way her hair ticked her nose. Her lips pulled into a smile at that and she sank further into the covers, into her.
"I would..." Her hand had reached the other's shoulder, bony and narrow. Ulla gently pet her with her thumb as she thought, allowing for silence to drag over them to the point where she probably would have fallen asleep if her mind wasn't overcome with thoughts of green gazes and snarky laughter, "I would be sad if you were gone."
Swallowing hard, she did feel her eyes start to sting but quickly blinked the moisture away, "And I'd be sad if you were." Devastated, beyond repair, utterly and completely destroyed down to her molecular structure. But sure, sad could be used.
"Can you make me a promise?"
"Hard to keep those in this day and age, but go for it."
Ulla pulled away, she hastily rubbed at her eyes but the other was faster and soon her chin was being held in her hand and her tears wiped just after they leaked. "Try to see yourself the way I see you. Not Celeste. You."
She was lucky the light was dim because all that could be made out was a silhouette and the gentle glint of wet eyes, not her violently flushing face though she guessed Ulla could feel it- the heat of it all. "What? Like a grouchy smart-mouth? Got that covered." Donella muttered to increase the distance, only for her companion to close it effortlessly.
"Yes, like a grouchy smart-mouth," Pulling her close, she squeezed her as if she could press together every crack and wound and break, as if she could fill her with all the love she had and then some. "Who makes my life so much better." Shakily, she allowed her hand to move to her cheek, brushing over her scars before gently cupping them. "You don't deserve to hurt, Donnie."
Her bottom lip trembled, she reached up and pressed Ulla's hand into her face. She was a cool summer breeze- like coming up for air after a touch too long underwater. Pushing herself to be at eye-level, she glanced down despite not being able to see her lips in the light. But she memorized every freckle, every little line that formed on her skin, every upward flick of her mouth. Donella leaned in, closed her eyes, put a hand on Ulla's neck- and changed course so that she could speak into her ear.
She lowered her voice, faint and wispy as if it was merely a piece of fantasy making its way into the real world. "You make my life better too," She could feel how Ulla shifted under her, how she melted against her and held her close, "One day this will be over and we'll make one together. Promise."
"Promise."