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the frustration became increasingly hard to swallow. it choked her up until tears formed in her eyes. it left a bitter taste in her mouth. she tried to get rid of it with vodka, but that only served to ignite a fire within her. the fire began in her stomach, eating up at her insides until the flames radiated out to her fists. the boiling blood under the surface fueled her fury.
she was angry. she was angry at herself for refusing to compromise. she was angry at leon for not realizing how much she cared. she was angry at her job that somehow made her a villain, even if she was actively working against it. she was angry at the world for not being safe enough for her to be with the one she loved. it was all her fault. it was someone else's. it was nobody's, and everybody's fault. it was all so muddled up and confusing. infuriating.
all of that emotion built up inside of her. ada wasn't the type to lose her cool-- in fact, it was one thing she always was. she was calm. collected. rational. which made it hard for her to understand why she felt so destructive. everything inside of her had fallen apart. it only made sense for the rest of the world to crumble along with it.
her rage began from sadness. six years of suffering in silence and hoping she made the right decision to put the past behind her. now it felt like it was a waste. spending time trying to heal from a wound she didn't know how to tend to; it was in vain. she yearned for somebody who could feel what she's feeling. she was alone, and for once it was something she dreaded.
the glass in her hand was her first victim. she emptied the contents of it into her mouth, sat on the taste for a second, and let the burn of the liquor slide down her throat. newly reignited, she threw the glass against the wall. the sound of it shattering on the hardwood floor brought her temporary catharsis. she watched the tiny crystal pieces dance across the floor. the release almost felt like a breath of fresh air. but one she started, she could not stop.
her veins felt like they were on fire. she began to tear everything apart, hoping that it would bring some relief. cushions were ripped off the couch and thrown across the room with a frustrated cry. books flew off of her shelf and onto the floor with no mercy. at some point she had picked up a lamp, which she ruthlessly smashed against a wall.
she was a wildfire now, completely blazing.
hot tears flowed freely down her burning cheeks. she resented that she cried when she was angry. but here she was, melting into a puddle of emotion. loud sobs filled the destroyed room. she couldn't tell if she was upset about her feelings or upset about the aftermath of her actions. either way, she fell to her knees and let the tears overtake her temporarily. shards of broken glass dug into her exposed skin. they went unnoticed.
-
leon sat beside ashley in the back of the car. tinted windows kept them hidden from the rest of the world, who had thankfully not heard about the kidnapping in spain. the pair spent a day in a private hospital where their wounds were treated and they were evaluated for psychological damage. surprisingly, they came out unscathed. ashley was still shaken up about the experience but her strength carried her through. she was well enough to go home, where leon would be assigned to look after her for the time being.
leon, on the other hand, had one wound that wouldn't heal. he was dealing with so much confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, and worst of all; love. despite everything she had put him through, leon still loved her. it was impossible to let go of the feeling that lingered on his loneliest nights where he wished he could just feel her kiss again. all of those nights he thought she was gone for good, they were meaningless now that she was proven to be alive and well. he was angry he spent so much time mourning her when she was alive all along. it felt like a cruel joke.
but he wanted to forgive her. the look on her face when she left him back in spain, it told him all he needed to know. that she regretted it. now he had regrets of his own.
in the palm of his hand he held the only thing he had left of her: the teddy bear keychain. now that he had some time to reflect, he held onto the little memento and went over all of the interactions he and ada had up until she left. his thoughts ran wild in his head, switching from sadness to anger to yearning. ashley's voice took him out of his thoughts.
"can i see that?" she asked. reluctantly, he dropped the keychain into her outstretched hand. ashley examined the bear carefully with a soft smile on her face. "it's pretty cute."
"yeah," leon said as he turned away from her. there was no point in masking his emotion when it was written all over his face. still, he didn't want ashley to see the melancholy settled in his eyes. instead, he focused on the scenery passing them by outside of the car window. bare trees, dead grass, grey skies. all of it reflected leon's feelings all too well.
"i think you should take a look at this." ashley nudged his shoulder to get his attention. she held the keychain up to show him an exposed piece of paper peeking out from the unzipped back of the bear. the piece of paper revealed an address that could only belong to none other than ada. she was calling to him. ada. the name came out as barely a whisper, but ashley caught it. she recognized the longing in leon's voice.
"go see her," she prompted.
"no. i'm not leaving you," leon protested with a shake of his head. despite the ache in his chest begging him to follow ada's calling, he had a job to do. his will was stronger than his desire.
ashley could see the conflict in leon's eyes, how he was fighting against himself. it was then she realized just how much the woman meant to him. "leon, i can see that you're sad over her. go. please. i can take care of myself from now on."
still, he refused to give in.
"as soon as we get to the house, you're going to leave me with my father and you're gonna go. i'll tell him that you had a family emergency. i won't let you stick around when it seems you just need to be with her. i'll be fine. i promise."
-
the mirror reflected her pathetic image back to her. her attempts at desperately wiping away the remnants of her tears ended up streaking her face with black mascara. her eyes were bloodshot. she felt like a monster.
instead of seeing herself, she saw a weak little girl standing there. a child who threw tantrums instead of facing reality. she hadn't felt this small in years. so feeble and broken inside. the tears had dried up but the feeling remained locked in her heart. is this what true loss felt like? or is this the result of years of building rage finally catching up with her? was she always meant to snap? was the storm brought in by herself or was losing leon the catalyst?
these questions couldn't be answered by the reflection on the wall. it frustrated her even more that she wouldn't know. she never had to come face-to-face with these kinds of question. it was always her instinct to run from them until they were long forgotten in a path of destruction she brought upon others. her consequences were never hers to face. they'd be someone else's mess to clean up. now the damage was within her. how could she run from herself?
her saddened eyes stared back at her from the other side of the glass. it seemed like they were mocking her for letting her emotions get the best of her. she refused to accept that this is who she has become. her fist was sent through the mirror, shattering her hopeless face into a hundred little pieces. each shard held onto a tiny fragment of her image. they cut deep into her skin to cruelly remind her that they're still a part of her.
cries of anguish echoed off of the tiled walls. trails of blood flowed down her wrist and painted the porcelain sink a bright crimson. running her hands under the warm water didn't stop the flow, it only temporarily soothed her while she thought of her next move. her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her doorbell ringing.
she cursed under her breath while she dried her hands. the makeup wipes on her counter became her savior, wiping off the ruined makeup off her face before she reached the front door. she didn't bother to check who it was before swinging the door open. her heart sank beneath the floor when she realized who was standing there.
leon.
she was speechless. she didn't expect him to actually show up. she left that slip of paper in the bear thinking he would never see it. her had proved her wrong.
his eyes flicked from hers down to her bloody fist and back up to ada's eyes, while his filled with a deep concern for her. before she could open her mouth to speak, he wordlessly stepped forward to envelop her in his arms. the sudden act of affection took ada by surprise, thought it took her only a second to recover before she absolutely melted into his arms. it was everything she didn't know she needed. all of the pain she felt subsided.
they stood there like that, wrapped up in each other for a few more minutes before leon pulled away to speak.
"what happened to your hand?" he gently picked up her wrist to examine in. hidden in the blood were tiny pieces of mirror still stuck to her skin. he did his best to mask his sadness but ada could see right through him. instead of answering, she just looked away. with his free hand, he tilted her chin so that her eyes met his. "let me take care of this."