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Alcohol.
The fuel of life.
It allows people who have lost everything to move forward.
It brings back the good times and the happiness that came with them.
However, one fateful night, someone spilled it.
…
[April 1, 11:30 AM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 1]
“Uh, Gin-san, are you sure you can do it…?”
A shabby looking man stood in front of the defendant.
“Don’t worry Patsuan, Yorozuya will do anything as long as you pay.”
In an attempt to look somewhat respectable, the lawyer was wearing a pair of glasses he borrowed from his client and a necktie which was actually just a sock, although you couldn’t tell unless you smelled it and who goes around smelling neckties? Despite all his effort, his hair was as disheveled as always and he was wearing only one sleeve of his yukata.
“But, uhm, I don’t have money, Gin-san.”
Gintoki started to walk away, clapping to clean the dust off his palms as if he had done a good job.
“Have a nice day, then.”
“Hey! Don’t go around acting so high and mighty! It’s your fault I don’t have money! You never pay my salary!”
With an annoyed face, the attorney returned to Shinpachi and picked his nose.
“Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll defend you for free.”
After a short period of silence the completely professional looking man used to finish his battle with a booger, he flicked it to a flower pot before talking again.
“So, what happened? I have to know some things about the crime to know what’ll go on in there.”
Ignoring the part that showed his reliability, Shinpachi started explaining.
“I was returning home when a drunk guy fainted in front of me and then he was stabbed by a sword and someone saw it.”
“...That’s it? That looks like a cheap backstory someone just made up to make their character more tragic.”
“Don’t mess with my tragedy! It really affects me!”
A bailiff appeared to drag the defendant before any other quip could be said, luckily for the author since there wasn’t much else to say there.
[April 1, 11:37 AM
District Court
Courtroom No. 1]
All the people present at the scene were making a ruckus, that is, until the judge made everyone quiet with a hit of his hammer.
“The court is now in session for the trial of Shimura Shinpachi.”
A man wearing a black suit like that of the shinsengumi stood on the side of the prosecution. He took a long, way too long moment to smoke a cigarette and breathe out the smoke before speaking up.
“The prosecution is ready, your honor.”
With an annoyed look on his face, the defense replied.
“T-The defense is ready, your honor..:”
The V-shaped bangs guy smoked another cigarette.
“I didn’t know sugar addicts were now allowed in court, especially when they don’t have a badge.”
“Oi! What do you mean? He has a badge right here, yes?”
His assistant replied before he could say anything. On her finger, there was a booger she was sticking on his clothes, right where a badge should be.
“Heey!” Gintoki grabbed her shoulders. He whispered in a tone that made everything he was saying even louder than if he would have said it normally. “What are you doing here?”
“You can’t be a lawyer without a little girl as your assistant, you know? So I sneaked here inside your sleeve, yes?”
“Mr. Gintoki!” The judge interrupted their conversation. “Do not disturb the trial! Your opening statement, Mr. Hijikata.”
The prosecutor nodded. “Yes, your honor. On March 29th, 12:35AM, the defendant, Shimura Shinpachi, was seen stabbing the victim, Liffo Hasgoneway, in front of his house with his family katana. A bystander who was walking by saw it all. However, his motives are still unclear.”
“OBJECTION!”
The lawyer pulled out his trap card, to be as annoying as possible.
“Do you have any proof it was him?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Oh.”
His trap was easily deflected, he was now out of ideas of what to do.
“On the victim’s hand, the glasses of the defendant were found.”
Gintoki stared at the chair where the defendant sits during the trial with offended eyes. He didn’t know that Shinpachi himself was found under the victim, he wouldn’t have accepted such a lost trial otherwise. On the chair, a handcuffed pair of glasses laid.
“Hey! I’m not even being watched over! I can run away if I want!”
A man that looked like an extra screamed from a corner of the courtroom, but he was so unremarkable it was impossible to notice him.
“Let’s have this done with.” Hijikata smirked. “I summon to the stand the witness, Katsawit Kotdidit.”
A person with long black hair walked to the stand, his somewhat formal gray and blue clothing contrasted with the groucho glasses he was wearing. Before anyone could ask him anything, he slammed the wood in front of him.
“It’s not Katsawit, it’s Katsura!”
“What…?”
The prosecution looked at the witness’ glasses confused, trying to puzzle what he just said.
“Ah, I apologize.” Katsawit’s voice had suddenly gone from a voice any person could have to one so high pitched that it was really hard to understand what he was saying. “Yes, I am Katsawit.”
“...” Another pause to smoke. It was clear from the lawyer's face that it was getting really annoying. “What were you doing the night of the murder?”
“Ah, that night, I remember it clearly.” The witness crossed his arms and did a thinkative face. “After finishing some business with, let’s say, some joui rebels, a friend I’ll call Elsa and I were returning to our hideout just as the moon reached its highest point. That’s when it happened, “Ahhh! There’s no way!” I said, “You just stepped on dog feces, Elizabeth!” I said. Then, what did I call him? Ah right, Elsa. Well, Elsa pulled out a sign, and that sign said “Oops.”. At the moment, I was so consumed by rage I couldn’t control my words. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to wash those duck feet of yours?!” I screamed. I regret screaming at Elsa so harshly, but anger took the better of me. Elsa pulled out another sign that said, “I do, remember when you said “Let’s take turns to do chores from now on, Elizabeth!”?” and then he flipped the sign, and it said “Today is my turn to do laundry.” “Haahahaha!” I said, I couldn’t help but laugh at that funny misunderstanding. Finally, I saw it. Elsa pulled out another sign, but there was something so dramatic going on behind that I had to pry. A drunk man walked to a young boy when he lifted his arms, then he was stabbed… Sadly, I couldn’t read Elsa’s last sign. I apologize if my testimony is unreliable or unhelpful because of that.”
The lawyer listened to the testimony with a surprised grimace. “Oii… What was that…? You barely talked about the crime, Zura…? How many quotes inside quotes can you do…? All that testimony did was make you look like the criminal you are…”
Katsawit felt a familiar gaze drilling on the side of his head.
“Oh! Gintoki! I didn’t know you had become an attorney!”
“Do you know the witness, defense?” said the judge surprised.
“Ah… No no… No way I know someone like him…”
“Haa!!” A gasp so loud it could have made some people deaf echoed through the room. “Gintoki! Don’t tell me you have forgotten about me! Can’t you remember the good times we spent together during the war? When we protected each other’s back from those amanto? Can’t you remember the beautiful friendship we had as kids?”
“...Are you sure, defense?”
“...A-Ah, that’s right! He and I once roleplayed together, yes… He’s just a roleplayer…”
“What’cha mean, Gin-chan? You never want to roleplay with-” The attorney slammed his hand on the assistant's mouth to make her shut up.
“That’s right. Gintoki, you never want to roleplay with leader and-” A wooden sword was flinged at Katsawit’s head, hitting him so hard he fell to the floor.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, interrupting the interaction. “Either way, it is clear that the defendant is guilty, right, your honor?”
“A-Ah, yes, you are right. I see no contradiction in the testimony.” The judge stared seriously at Gintoki. “Do you wish to interrogate the witness?”
“Yes, your honor. I have a lot of things to talk about with this guy.”
“Very well, then. Proceed.”
[Witness testimony: That night.]
“Ah, that night, I remember it clea-”
“Ooi, why are you repeating what you just said, Zura?”
“OBJECTION!” The witness slammed the stand. “I’m not Zura, I’m Katsura!”
“...”
“I mean, Katsawit.”
Hijikata blew some smoke in Gintoki’s direction. “That’s how things work in court. You have to wait for the moment he says something you disagree with.”
“What kind of system is that? I don’t feel like waiting for his blabbering to end again…” thought the lawyer.
“Continue your testimony, witness.” Said the judge.
“Aft-”
“OBJECTION!” Gintoki pointed at everyone aggressively with his finger. On his hand, there was the Shinpachi found on the victim’s hand.
“W-What is it, defense…?”
“I have no idea… But this is the only evidence I have so it must be it…” thought the lawyer, hoping the mood would lead him in the right direction. Luckily for him, everyone in the room had gone quiet, which gave him the feeling that his objection was right.
“The testimony contradicts this evidence!” The lawyer slammed the desk determined.
“How?” The prosecutor slammed the desk with a bottle of mayonnaise.
“Y-Yeah… It contradicts that part where… the victim raised his hands!” Gintoki slammed the desk making up things as he went on. Finally, he was beginning to learn the language of attorneys.
“I don’t see how.”
“W-Well you’ll see… If the victim raised his hands… before he was attacked…” he slammed the desk again to make a dramatic silence and to give himself time to think “Then how did he grab the defendant?!”
“W-What?!” Hijikata was so shocked he couldn’t help but slam the desk.
The crowd goes wild. Looks like he said something that made sense.
Three hits of the judge's hammer brought silence to the courtroom.
“Order! What do you mean, Mr. Gintoki?”
“It’s simple. Since the victim had no chance to grab my client, then that is not my client!”
“Whaat?!” Katsawit screamed in utter offense “How dare you say that, Gintoki?! Do you think I would lie?!” Blinded by his feelings, Katsura took off the glasses. “Look at me! Are these the eyes of a liar to you?”
The sound of a sword being unsheathed interrupted the conversation.
“Katsura! You are under arrest!”
The prosecutor and all the members of the shinsengumi present pointed their swords at him. However, catching Katsura the runaway is not that easy, for he always carries a convenient bomb on him.
“You’ll never catch me alive!” The witness screamed, throwing a bag of flour to the floor, creating a cloud of dust that allowed him to escape unseen.
A long and desperate chase took place. The prosecutor jumped the desk and ran after Katsura with all his squad, that is, until they found his true trap. When the doors were opened, everyone saw lots of girls dressed as the criminal. There was no way to tell him apart, and there were way too many girls to check, so once again, the shinsengumi had to resign and give up.
Frustrated and annoyed and angry, Hijikata took back his position as prosecutor. He had to smoke two cigarettes in a row to relax. “I guess there is no choice…” he had to take a long moment to make a long sigh. “I summon to the stand the person in charge of the case, Sasaki Isaburou.”
A man wearing all white took his time to walk. The sound of his steps was concealed by the sound of his typing on the phone. Once he reached his destination, no one said a word, the only sound in the courtroom was his ceaseless typing.
The distinct sound of a desk being slammed by a bottle of mayonnaise made him stop for a second. “Witness! Cell phones aren’t allowed in court!”
Sasaki took some seconds to finish what he was typing and then the sound of a notification drew everyone’s attention to Gintoki. In his sleeve, there was now a phone he didn’t have a second ago. Checking it, he had a message from someone called “Sabu-chan”.
(What a lameo amirite?)
The unpresentable silver-haired stared at the witness with a face that said (What? [Annoyed]) before crushing the phone in his fist, making Sasaki frown at his ungratefulness.
Meanwhile, Kagura was using her phone hidden under the desk. Ever since the phone incident she had with Yorozuya, she had wanted an email buddy and Sasaki fitted that role more or less.
(Ur boss is real rude 😢)
(He always gets like this when he is flustered 😔 )
(Oh
)
“Hey cut that crap!” Gintoki dragged her assistant out of the desk. “I’m not flustered!”
(See? He a tsun 😔😔😔 )
“Stop it already! We’re in the middle of a trial!” He tried to grab her phone, but she was able to type a farewell message before that.
(Anyway, my dad’s telling me I have to go. Cya
)
Kagura couldn’t see Sasaki’s reply, but from his face, it was clear that he found that picture of a cute hedgehog funny.
(I really really really like this image.) Typed Sasaki before putting his phone away.
“Tell us everything you know about the case, witness!” Hijikata screamed enraged at the casual chatting he had been having.
“Let’s finish this already, I have better things to do.”
With that, a new testimony started.
“The victim was stabbed with the Shimura family treasure, a sword you can only get inside the Shimura dojo. Meaning that you need to be able to go inside the house to stab someone with it. Additionally, thanks to the previous testimony, we know that there was no one besides the defendant near the victim when he was killed. How the glasses got in his hand is irrelevant, the fact is that only one person could have done it.”
“Hm…” The judge closed his eyes to analyze what was just said. “Truly a perfect testimony. I don’t think there are any contradictions.”
Hijikata, annoyingly, wasted everyone's time once more by smoking another cigarette before speaking. “I agree, your honor.”
“OBJECTION!”
Gintoki slammed his desk thoughtfully.
“I can’t believe it, Hijikata! The contradiction in this testimony is so obvious that I can’t believe you don’t see it!” An assertive finger made it look like whatever Gintoki was saying meant something.
“I see,” Hijikata slammed his desk indifferently. “Then tell us what the contradiction is.”
The lawyer looked at the prosecutor with those dead fish eyes of his. His bluff hadn’t worked, and now he had to back up what he just said with evidence. His stare wandered around until it met Sasaki’s. Gintoki stared at him straight in the eyes. The witness’ face, despite not changing much, showed that he was so annoyed at the accusation that he said something wrong that the attorney may lose points as an email buddy.
“Of course, how couldn’t I notice…” thought the lawyer.
“The glasses that were found on the victim’s hand don’t belong to Shinpachi,” a much necessary dramatic pause took place. “These glasses are of the witness!”
“Whaat?!” The judge was shocked.
The whole room couldn’t avoid talking about what the man with a booger as a badge said.
“What a twist! The police chief was the killer all along!”
“That lawyer has no idea what he is saying! 3,5/10!”
“Look at his wavy hair! He is the culprit! There is no way he isn’t evil!”
“My leg is itchy!”
“Order! Order!” The judge was forced to hit his hammer against the desk. “Mr. Gintoki! I assume you have evidence to sustain your claim!”
“I do!” Gintoki grabbed Kagura’s phone and looked for Gintama fanfics on google. “Here it is! As you can read, this line says: “Gintoki stared at him straight in the eyes.”.”
Another desk slam, this time it was an explanative one.
“I hadn’t realized until now cause there are no images in here, but, for me to be able to stare at someone straight in the eyes, there mustn't be anything between our eyes! Like glasses!”
“WHAAAAT!?” Hijikata was so shocked by this that he started chugging down a bottle of mayonnaise so fast that you could see the dense sauce go down his throat.
“Objection.”
An objection so monotonous that it had a certain charm made everyone look away from the prosecutor and his disgusting feast.
“I am disappointed, Gintoki-san, although I should have assumed that your vocabulary is not as elite as mine.” Sasaki looked at the defense desk, mainly because he wanted to ignore the man drowning in mayonnaise. “I do not wear glasses, I wear a monocle.”
“Hold it! A monowhatever is a kind of glasses!”
The judge shook his head, “No, it's not.”
“B-But…” Gintoki was running out of things to say “We don’t know if the glasses are a monothing or not! We didn’t inspect them!”
An empty bottle of mayonnaise that had had the life sucked out of it was hurled at the attorney. “Sadly for you, I sent those glasses to be analyzed while you weren’t looking.” Hijikata slammed the desk dramatically “Their DNA matched that of the defendant perfectly!”
“Oii! What do you mean DNA! How is a pair of glasses going to have DNA! What did you do to my glasses?!” screamed a random unremarkable extra.
“U-Uh…” Gintoki was out of words.
“Don’t worry, Gin-chan!” the assistant stepped forward with a smile and a thumbs up. “I’ll handle it, yes?”
Kagura cleared up her throat before looking deep into the judge’s eyes.
“Your honor! I- *bleergh*” She couldn’t even finish her sentence before puking all over the defense side. “I’m sorry, Gin-chan… I got nervous…”
“Don’t worry, Kagura-chan.” With a reassuring smile, the lawyer gave her back a thumbs up.
It looked like his words had made her feel better, as a smile appeared on her face again. That is, until the horrid smell of the sock-necktie reached her, making her puke again, this time all over his clothes.
“Heey! What are you doing?!” Gintoki jumped around, trying not to touch the vomit, which only made him slip and fall on top of the green liquid.
[April 1, 12:29 PM
District Court
Puked Floor]
“Oi, there is no need to tell the readers where we are every second. Stop humiliating me more…” thought the silver haired as he stared at the person hiding under the desk.
A certain ninja was grabbing the top. She was there to feel the impacts against the wood as much as she could, because she really enjoyed the sensation of being hit.
Gintoki decided to ignore her and stand up, as dealing with her could hurt his poor credibility. Instead, he placed his hand on the floor to stand up, but was cut by a glass shard that was covered in vomit. Looking around, he saw that wherever there was puke, there were two or three pieces of glass. He had a revelation.
Quickly, he stood up straight and stared at everyone.
“OBJECTION!”
He slammed the desk with all his power, making a passionate moan resonate through the room. Everyone decided to act as if it hadn’t happened.
“Look at this!”
Gintoki was grabbing the vomit proudly, it was a majestic sight to behold. A man dressed like a homeless drunk person, covered in puke, and holding it as if it was the revolution of the century.
“What’s wrong with that?” Said Hijikata, looking away because that sight was making it harder for him to keep the mayonnaise in his stomach.
“There is glass!” Gintoki started to remember the night of the crime. “That night, I returned home drunk when I found Shinpachi cooking. The smell was so good that I instinctively moved there, but I tripped over an unexpected chair.”
“That chair is always there! You just were so drunk you couldn’t see!” screamed the pointless extra.
“Unfortunately, as I was falling, I pushed the back of Shinpachi’s head enough for him to fall in the pot. I screamed for him to return, but it was too late. That’s when someone I didn’t know got in my home and started to shake me to check if I was conscious. And then, I saw it… Kagura sneaked in the kitchen and ate the whole pot with Shinpachi inside!” Gintoki did a screech of grief, remembering the loss of his dear friend.
“Oi! I’m still here!” screamed the annoying straight man.
The lawyer wiped his eyes before continuing. “Can’t you see what that means? When that drunk guy was stabbed, Shinpachi was in Kagura’s stomach! There was no way for him to appear on the victim’s hand!”
“OBJECTION! Then who did the victim grab?!” Hijikata screamed, brandishing a bottle of mayonnaise against Gintoki.
Everything was clear now. “If you look at the tags, you’ll see that Hasegawa is there. However, we are near the end of this and he still hasn’t shown up!”
“Y-You mean…” The judge said surprised.
“The victim grabbed Hasegawa, not my client!”
“But Katsura said he only saw two people! There is no way he was at the scene!” replied Hijikata.
“There is a point in which he could have been…” Gintoki pulled out a map with the position of everything relevant to the case and pointed to a spot.
“T-That is…” The prosecutor made a dramatic pause to give himself time to open a new bottle of mayonnaise. “That is where the victim was!!!” he chugged down yet another bottle, once again, everyone could see through his neck the thick condiment going down.
“There’s a piece of evidence we’ve been ignoring all this time… On the additional tags, it says no OC…” Gintoki did the final desk slam that would solve the case. “Then who is that Liffo Hasgoneway guy?!”
“OBJECTION! The judge is also an oc!” Hijikata pointed out.
“That’s wrong, he appeared in chapters 94 and 95!”
A commotion so loud there was no way to control it began. Not even the hammering of the judge could stop it. What could stop it, however, was a song about a magical princess who would defeat all evil. Luckily for the trial, that very song started playing from Sasaki’s phone, as he had been playing with it all this time and was now receiving a call.
“Isn’t that love hime…? Why is that song his ringtone…?” thought the attorney.
Everyone went quiet to let him finish his call, because it would be rude to interrupt him.
“Good news everyone,” said the witness as he hung up the phone “the victim isn’t dead. He is being brought here right now.”
Immediately after he finished saying that, someone knocked on the door.
“Oh, there they are. See, that’s how the elite does their job.” Having said that, he opened the door, letting a crowd of members of the mimawarigumi drag Hasegawa inside.
“Speak.” The mayomaniac pointed the tip of his sword at the victim from the prosecutor’s bench. “What happened.”
“H-Hey! There’s no need to get aggressive!” said the sunglassesed man shaking his arms in the air.
Everyone around him was either threatening him somehow or playing with their phone or both.
“I-I just was banned from the cheapest bar in town cause I had no money. So after training at the dojo, I grabbed some glasses to not be recognized and the sword so people would think I had some wealth!” With every word he said, everyone got even angrier or indifferent at him. “T-Then I made a fake ID and went to drink for a while. W-When I was done, I took off the glasses cause it was hard to see with them and started playing around with the sword until I found someone on the street. He scared me so much I tripped on the sword and then everything went black.”
A long silence took over the trial, until the judge decided to speak up.
“Well, after hearing this, I find it clear to see that the defendant is…”
NOT GUILTY
With that, the crowd that watched the trial threw confetti at a tense scene that could turn into a beat up in any second, making everything more intimidating because of the contrast.
[April 1, 12:53 PM
District Court
Defendant Lobby No. 1]
“Uhm, Gin-san” Shinpachi had finally been uncuffed and put back on his human. “I have no idea what just happened.”
Gintoki, who had been holding back his urge to pick his nose to look like a lawyer, enjoyed the battle inside his nose so much that his clothes were about to explode.
“You’re free, Shinpachi, that’s what matters, yes?” said Kagura who, just like her boss, was picking her nose after not holding back that much.
“Oh, hey, Gin-san!” Hasegawa intruded nonchalantly into the conversation. “You’re going to make a feast to celebrate that you won the case, right?” He said, interested in joining. He had the right to do so after solving the case, and his stomach was so empty it had turned into a black hole. "Also, I have to pay for some medical bills, a stab wound doesn't heal that easily. You wouldn't mind lending me some money, would you?"
“Yeah, Gin-san, you should pay for our food tonight!” suggested Shinpachi.
The word pay made Gintoki snap out of his trance. “What? I’m not doing that!”
“Come on, Gin-chan, I’m hungry…” Kagura tried to use her cuteness to look as weak and hungry as possible to blackmail the broke man into giving them food.
Sasaki, who was there too, left because he wasn’t going to allow anyone to pay for his food, much less would he eat anything cheap.
“A-Ah… my heart…” the silver-haired pretended to be having a heart attack but quickly gave up the act as it was obvious no one believed him. “T-There is something… Something I need to get out of me…”
“Then say it, Gin-san!” Shinpachi smiled, and so did everyone else, as they all knew what he needed to say.
“Dondake!”
“...Uh, Gin-san… I think that wasn’t what you had to say.”