Chapter Text
The episode begins with nine crewmates sitting around in the cafeteria of the Skeld. Their colors are purple, white, blue, orange, black, yellow, cyan, lime, and brown.
Lime Crewmate: “...so, yeah. Long story short, she ended up going home with 20 bucks and a free plate of wings, while I just got a houseplant. Funny story, right?”
White Crewmate: “Oscar, I’m gonna be completely honest with you. I tuned out, like, half an hour ago.”
Oscar: “Renegade, I’m not telling that shit again. You just missed out on the best story of your life.”
Blue Crewmate: “Trust me, you did not. He just kept going on about how he lost a stupid bet with his girlfriend. How the hell did you lose 20 bucks over a houseplant?”
Oscar: “I dunno, Miles. Pretty much everything beforehand was a blur. I’m pretty sure there was a dog involved at some point.”
Miles: “Yes, I fucking know! You mentioned the dog at least forty times! It wasn’t even that impressive sounding when you said that it could allegedly talk!”
Cyan Crewmate: “Yeah, uh, I didn’t really understand most of the story, especially the part when you and your girlfriend were wrestling.”
Oscar: “Yeah… Wrestling… We’ll just go with that.”
Yellow Crewmate: “We can wrestle later if you want, Jerry! I promise I’ll go easy on you!” ;)
Brown Crewmate: (Southern accent) “Christ on a cracker, Aloe, leave the poor kid alone, will ya?”
Yellow Crewmate: “Fuck off! We’re in love!”
Jerry: “I… Don’t know what you’re implying… So I’m just going to nod and say ‘yes’.” (pause) “…Yes.”
Aloe: “Hooray!” ^v^
Renegade: “Jerry, I don’t think you know what you just got yourself into. You should back out before you-”
All of a sudden, Aloe pulls out a knife and holds it to Renegade’s throat.
Aloe: “I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE MY PRECIOUS SNUGGLE BUG AWAY FROM ME, YOU HEAR?! I WILL CUT OUT YOUR THROAT WHILE YOU SLEEP, RENEGADE! ME AND JERRY SHALL HAVE A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WHERE WE WILL FEAST UPON YOUR ORGANS-”
Renegade: (After a moment’s silence) “So what else is new?”
Black Crewmate: “Y’know, the funny part is that she’s used this exact same threat before. Literally the exact same wording, too.”
Aloe: “That’s not true!”
Brown Crewmate: “Missy, you said the same thing to a washing machine Jerry thought was his mom.”
Aloe: “Yes, and did the washing machine talk back? No, of course not. Problem solved!”
Purple Crewmate: (Grumbling)
Orange Crewmate: “Hey, can you guys stop fighting? Aren’t we supposed to be friends, or something?”
Miles: “HAH! Friends?! With the likes of Oscar, Aloe, and Domino?! Yeah right, they try to kill us literally EVERY day! Why would I ever consider them friends?! I see them more as burdens I have to live with.”
Oscar: “Hey, I’ll have you know that I’m actually very bad at killing you. And Domino just decides to take a nap instead. Look, he’s napping right now!”
Lo and behold, Domino, the black crewmate, was fast asleep.
Purple Crewmate: (Slaps his hands on the table, waking Domino up) “Gentlemen! ...And lady. If I may speak for a moment, there is a serious issue I must address.”
Domino: “Permission to speak freely, sir?”
Purple Crewmate: “Permission granted, Domino.”
Domino: “Can it wait ‘til tomorrow?”
Purple Crewmate: “No.”
Renegade: “Just tell us what the problem is.”
Purple Crewmate: “My friends and companions, we have been wronged this evening! Just not long ago... our coffee machine broke down. ”
Everyone gasps in shock. Just then, a tenth pink crewmate enters the cafeteria.
Pink Crewmate: “Hey, guys! Something happened to the coffee machine. Somebody pounded it real good.”
Oscar: “Bow-chicka-bow-wow. And also, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”
Aloe: “Oh no, not the coffee machine! How will we ever manage to stay awake without it?!”
Miles: “Coffee isn’t essential to stay awake, idiot! But yeah, I agree, this is a pretty bad thing.”
Purple Crewmate: “You’re damn right it’s a bad thing! How do you expect me to get anything done around here without my daily cup of morning joe?! Renegade, you’re the technician. You go take a look at it.”
Renegade: “Ergh, fine.”
Everyone stands and enters Security, which is where the coffee machine is. When they get to it, the machine has a pool of coffee forming under it, soaking some nearby files.
Orange Crewmate: “Oh no! Our files!”
Domino: “Nobody cares about the files, Two-Bit! Most of those are just filled with printed photos of Jerry’s face.”
Miles: (Laughing) “Oh shit, I think that’s one of Oscar’s porno mags! See, look!” (points)
Oscar: “Wait, WHAT?!”
Oscar runs towards the coffee machine and throws it across the room, damaging it even further. He then picks up the porn. It was wet, and not in a good way.
Oscar: “Goddamnit.”
Jerry: “It’s okay, Nascar. We can always get new drawings.”
Two-Bit: “Yeah... Drawings... That’s what those were...”
Miles: “Why the hell did you throw it, you idiot?! You just damaged it even more!”
Purple Crewmate: “Miles, with all due respect, the sanctity of the porno mag far outweighs the importance of the coffee machine.”
Jerry: “Yeah, uh, can someone explain to me what exactly a porno is?”
Brown Crewmate: (Putting a hand on Jerry’s... er, shoulder?) “Son, you’re too young and innocent to know the truth.”
Aloe: “Pornography (often shortened to porn or porno) has been defined as sexual subject material “such as a picture, video, or text,” that is primarily intended to assist sexual arousal in the consumer and is created and commercialized with ‘the consent of all persons involved.’ Indicated for the consumption by adults, pornography depictions have evolved from cave paintings, some forty millenia ago, to virtual reality presentations in modern-”
Brown Crewmate: “GODDAMMIT, ALOE!”
Jerry: “Sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention.”
Pink Crewmate: “Oh, she said- AUGH!”
Oscar hit him in the back of the head with the coffee machine. The pink crewmate wasn’t dead, but just unconscious.
Purple Crewmate: “Dammit, Oscar, how much longer are you gonna keep damaging that thing more than it already is?! Not only that, but you just killed Cookie!”
Oscar: “Hey, it’s not my fault pinky over here was trying to give Jerry the sex talk.”
Cookie : (Regains consciousness) “Light-ish red.” (Falls back unconscious)
Renegade: “Can everyone PLEASE just shut up so I can focus on the coffee machine?!”
Everyone shuts up.
Renegade: “Thank you!”
Renegade goes over to the coffee machine (which is laying on the floor) and inspects it.
Domino: (Quietly eating a bag of chips) “What’s he doing now?”
Brown Crewmate: “Stick it, Domino. Let him work his magic.”
Renegade: “Ohhhh, I see what the problem is here. The funnel’s jammed. This ought to take five, maybe ten minutes, tops.”
Two-Bit: “Really? Just that?”
Renegade: “Yeah, amazing, innit? Should be cracked beyond repair, considering the insane amount of damage Oscar did to it. Some miracle.”
Cookie: (Slowly gets up) “Ow... Yeah, it thought it would’ve done more damage. He sure did give it to me. Hard.”
Oscar: “Cookie, we really need to work on that phrasing of yours.”
Renegade: “Yeah, and your grasp on the definition of sarcasm apparently, because this thing is fucking destroyed.”
Purple Crewmate: “Dammit! At least tell us if it’s still fixable! If not, then we’re throwing Oscar into that airlock!”
Renegade: “Relax Cap, it’s not entirely broken. Though I’m not necessarily opposed to that airlock idea.”
Oscar: “Can’t we postpone my death ‘til... I dunno, next Tuesday?”
Brown Crewmate: “Wait, you want to die?”
Aloe: “How about we speed this process up a bit by killing him right now? I’ll start!” (pulls out her knife)
Cap: “No one will be killing Oscar yet! Renegade, you better get to work on that coffee machine A.S.A.P.! And... Two-Bit, you help him out!”
Two-Bit: “Yes, sir.”
Cap: “And as for the rest of you, you’re free to go about your business, but under NO circumstances are you to disturb Two-Bit and Renegade while they work! Coffee is at stake here!”
Miles: “Why don’t we just ask Derrigan for a new coffee machine? Save ourselves the trouble?”
Cap: “Domino, I hereby grant you permission to kill Miles later.”
Domino: “Well I was going after Cookie, but I don't see why not.”
Cookie: “Hey! Why me?!”
Oscar: “‘Cuz fuck you.”
Miles: “Whatever, you’re the boss I guess.”
Brown Crewmate: “I do indeed reckon this is quite a fine pickle we’re in, but who are we to question th’ professionals, eh?”
Miles: “That you are right indeed, Sixtopher.”
Brown Crewmate: “Just 6 is fine, ya know.”
Renegade: “Great, now if everyone would please be so kind as to leave us be, we can finally get to work on this thing.”
Cookie: “Looks like Domino was one step ahead.”
Domino had already left.
Jerry: “Bye, Gatorade! Bye, Tuba!”
Everyone departs to let Renegade and Two-Bit work. Cut to Domino in the cafeteria, eating, as always. Aloe and Oscar approach him casually.
Aloe: “Domino, how’re ya doin’, buddy?! So... what atrocities are we gonna commit today, huh? Ooh, how about we put hot sauce in Miles’ underwear?! Won’t that be a fun thing?!”
Oscar: “Pretty sure they did that in a TV show once. I think it was called ‘Super Dramatic Isle’ or something like that.”
Domino: “Actually, I was thinking that today, we just slack off. Cap would hate that.”
Aloe: “Whaaaaaat?! No way! We’re impostors, aren’t we?! We should try and kill the other guys like we always do! Think about what Jerry will see is me- US! I mean us, when we show him how threatening we are! He’ll be head over heels for me- US! I mean- wait, no, just me.”
Oscar: “Yeah, no need to go full yandere, Ayano Aishi.”
Aloe: “That’s not my real name and you know it, Private Hernandez .”
Oscar: “It was a fucking joke, Commander Loa . Domino, what’s your input on this?”
Domino fell asleep, lmao.
Oscar: “Okay, never mind, I guess.”
6: (Suddenly entering the cafe) “Now what in sam hell are y’all jabbering on about now?!”
Aloe: “Shit, a witness! You won’t stop us from killing everyone on this ship this time, detective!”
6: “Aloe, let’s be real for a moment, Domino and Oscar have the combined intelligence of a dodo bird. You couldn’t get them to kill even if they wanted to.”
Domino: “What’s a dodo bird?”
Oscar: “Pretty sure those went extinct eons ago.”
6: “Ya see what I mean, missy?”
Aloe: “Hey 6! Catch!”
Aloe draws her knife and throws it at 6, who casually sidesteps and avoids it.
Cookie: “Hey, guys! What’s going o-”
Before Cookie can finish his sentence, the knife lodges itself in his visor, killing him instantly.
Oscar: “...I feel like if he were alive, he’d say something like ‘Wow, that went really deep’ or some other innuendo.”
Aloe: “Aw man, now my knife’s all covered in virgin blood now...”
6: (Exasperated) “Sweet buttered biscuits, is this what I have to deal with every day?”
Domino: “Yeah, pretty much.”
Cookie’s ghost manifests from his recently-murdered corpse.
Cookie: “Well, that was rude.”
Cut to Cap, Jerry, and Miles in Electrical. Cap is fixing wires while Jerry and Miles watch.
Cap: “See here, it’s all in the handiwork. All ya gotta do is connect the wires of the same color, and bam! You’re already a professional!”
Jerry claps, despite not knowing how he did it.
Miles: “Sir, with all due respect, I’m already aware of how-”
Cap: “I’m aware you’re aware! Christ on a cracker, Dunby, shouldn’t you be off cooking a meal or something? Tryna teach the kid how to fix wiring!”
Miles: “I can’t cook anything because there’s no kitchen!”
Cap: “Then go make yourself useful elsewhere! I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d let Domino kill you!”
Miles grunts, then leaves Electrical.
Jerry: “Buh-bye, Mice!”
Cap: “Don’t acknowledge the pissy little baby, Private. Now then, are you ready to learn how to divert the power next?”
Jerry: “Uh... Yeah. I think so...”
Cut to Miles entering Communications. He places the headphones over his... er, ears? Whatever, point is, he puts on the headphones and starts calibrating the radio’s frequency until he finds the one he’s looking for.
Miles: “Come in Mira HQ, this is Corporal Miles Dunby, repeat, Corporal Miles Dunby, do you read me? Over.”
Brief cut to a Fortegreen crewmate in the Mira HQ Communications room on the opposite end of the feed.
Fortegreen Crewmate: “Vice Derrigan speaking, I read you loud and clear. What do you want? I’m quite busy with other ships and I don’t really feel like dealing with your shit, so make it quick.”
Miles: “Uh- okay, damn... Well, I was thinking of installing a kitchen or whatever in the cafeteria, so do you think you could send over the proper materials so Two-Bit can get to work on it eventually?”
Derrigan: “Sure, sure, whatever. I’ll have HQ send some junk over. Go apeshit with that. I don’t care.”
Miles: “Cool...”
Miles disconnects from the radio feed, taking off the headphones right after.
Miles: “...Conceited prick.”
Cut to Renegade sitting around with the busted coffee machine. Two-Bit is not there, but he shows up soon after with a shiny red toolbox in hand.
Two-Bit: “Alright, got that toolbox you asked for, Ren.”
Renegade: “Thanks.” (he takes the toolbox off of Two-Bit) “Thanks to Oscar, it’s gonna take a significant amount of effort to fix this, but I think I can still manage.”
While the two are talking, a ghost-ified Cookie flies through the wall and glances at the broken coffee machine.
Cookie: “They’re still fixing it? Oh! They might need my help! Hey, guys! I’m here to assist!”
Renegade: “You think everyone else is doing their tasks or something?”
Two-Bit: “Probably. It’s important for us crewmates to stay on task. Not sure what Oscar, Domino, and Aloe are doing, though.”
Renegade: “Yeah, right! And I’m Lindsay fucking Lohan! Do you even KNOW what our crew is like? The only one I expect to get anything done is Cap and 6! And Miles I guess- okay, I take that back. Pretty much the only annoying ones are Cookie and Jerry.”
Cookie: “Uh... Guys? Hello? Anybody there?”
Renegade: “But whatever, I don’t know what any of the impostors are up to. I imagine Domino’s asleep, Oscar’s jerking one off at the moment, and Aloe’s restlessly simping for Jerry, but that’s pretty much it. I highly doubt they’ve actually killed anyone yet.”
Cookie: “Renegade? Two-Bit? C’mon, you can’t ignore me!”
Two-Bit: “Yeah, I can't really see anybody dying as of right now.”
Cookie: “Earth to Two-Bit! Or… Space, I guess.”
Renegade: “Hey, I think I’m almost done with this thing. Wow, that was... pretty fast to be honest.”
Two-Bit: “Yeah, I thought there’d at least be an explosion or something like that.”
Renegade steps away from the machine to let Two-Bit take a look at it. It seems to be in perfect condition, a far cry from a few moments ago when Oscar was flinging it around like a hot potato.
Renegade: “Shall we try making something?”
Two-Bit: “Like what? There’s not really anything we can use around here...”
Renegade: “I meant a COFFEE, fuck-tard!”
Two-Bit: “Oh. Yeah, that’s my bad. Lemme just...”
Two-Bit grabs a coffee filter and puts it in the machine, pouring the grounds on top, before closing it.
Two-Bit: “Okay, so now I just push this button, right?”
Renegade: “No, you tuck it in and read it a bedtime story, then hope it’ll make the coffee for you in its sleep.”
Cookie: “That’s how I usually make it.”
Two-Bit: “Well excuuuuuuse me, princess. It’s not my fault I don’t use it a lot.”
Two-Bit presses the button. The machine whirs for a bit, before stopping. Nothing happens.
Renegade: “Shit, I should’ve known it wouldn't be that easy. Must’ve read the instructions wrong.”
Two-Bit: “Hey, uh, what instructions did you use, exactly?”
Renegade hands him a handbook titled “How to Make Shit and Fix the Stuff You Presumably Broke (Dummy)”.
Renegade: “It’s a very reliable source. Hasn’t let me down yet. The instructions are on page 351.”
Two-Bit flips to that page.
Two-Bit: “...This is the killer robot section.”
Renegade:
All of a sudden, the coffee machine transforms into a killer robot, which towers over Renegade and Two-Bit.
Renegade: “Huh. You know, I should have caught on once I saw that the instructions were in Khmer.”
Two-Bit: “Or maybe the fact that you had to include lasers and missiles.”
Cookie: “Well this blows.”
Coffee Machine Robot: “SCANNING FOR COFFEE-BASED LIFEFORMS.”
The robot scans Renegade and Two-Bit.
Coffee Machine Robot: “COFFEE-BASED LIFEFORM NOT DETECTED. ENGAGING PROTOCOL 113151472119: KILL .”
Two-Bit: “Should we be running?”
Renegade already left.
Two-Bit: “Oh, son of a-”
Two-Bit runs away. Cut to the cafe. Aloe, Domino (who is, big surprise, asleep), and Oscar have been tied up and left on one of the tables. 6 is nearby, playing Flappy Bird on his phone.
Aloe: “Untie us at once!”
6: “No.”
Aloe: “Damn. Domino, Oscar, help me get 6 to untie us!”
Oscar: “Hey, Aloe, ever heard of a bondage kink?”
Aloe: “...Explain. Now.” 👀
Oscar: “Well, to put it in layman’s terms, the horny bitch wants to be tied up during sex.”
Aloe: “You don’t deserve to be tied up ever, perv. 6 was just being nice to you.”
Oscar: “Hey, I’m not saying I have one, I’m just explaining it to you. And anyways, I don’t think tying us up is gentlemanly.”
6: “Prisoners ain’t s’pposed to talk while they’re tied up, ya know.”
Aloe: “Eat a bag of dicks, 6.”
6: (Ignoring sounds)
Aloe: >:(
All of a sudden, Renegade and Two-Bit charge into the cafe, looking freaked out.
Two-Bit: “Ren...” (he catches his breath) “...you’re a douchebag.”
Renegade: “What?! How am I...” (pant) “...the douchebag here?! I swear...” (pant) “...those instructions were...” (pant) “...the real deal!”
Two-Bit: “You can’t just...” (pant) “...fucking leave me!”
Oscar: “Oh, hey guys. Are you two done fixing the coffee maker?”
The Coffee Machine Robot makes its way into the cafeteria, having Cap and Jerry impaled on its arms. Cap is not moving at all while Jerry is barely holding on by a strand to his life.
Coffee Machine Robot: “COFFEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
6: “What in the Sam hell is THAT thing?! Did you make that?!”
Two-Bit: “Blame Ren, not me!
Jerry: “Hello, everyone! Me and Crap made a new friend! Meet Coffee!”
Aloe: “JERRY! Hold on, I’m coming to save you, my love! 6! UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW!”
6: “Yeah, right! So you can get away while we’re all distracted with the robot!”
Aloe: “JUST DO IT YOU IMBECILE!”
6 begrudgingly goes over to untie the impostors. Domino falls to the ground, waking up from the impact.
Domino: “Huh? The fuck happened?”
Oscar: “Hey, fatass, we’ve got shit to kill.”
Domino: “Fiiiiine.”
Domino half-heartedly sticks a knife into Oscar, killing him. His ghost flies out of his body right after. Domino goes back to sleep.
Oscar: “Goddammit, I didn’t mean kill me !”
6: “Jesus, what am I ever gonna do with you buffoons?”
Two-Bit: “I dunno, but maybe you should be prioritizing the giant killer robot.”
Coffee: “SCANNING FOR COFFEE-BASED LIFEFORMS.”
Coffee scans the impostors, then 6.
Coffee: “COFFEE-BASED LIFEFORM DETECTED. DISABLING PROTOCOL 113151472119.”
Coffee becomes passive.
Renegade: “Uhhhhh, WHAT?!”
Two-Bit: “6, are you a robot?”
6: “Course not, I just drink a lot of coffee.”
Renegade: “...WHAT-”
Just then, Miles, followed by the ghosts of Cap and Cookie, enters the cafe.
Miles: “Hey guys, good news- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?!”
Coffee: “SCANNING FOR-”
Aloe: “Miles! Get out of here!”
Miles: “Wait, but I have something important to say! We’re getting a kitchen!”
6: “That’s not- wait, we are?”
Domino literally wakes up just because he heard the word ‘kitchen’.
Domino: “We’re getting a kitchen?!”
Coffee: “COFFEE-BASED LIFEFORM NOT DETECTED. ENGAGING PROTOCOL-”
Aloe jumps up and stabs Coffee in the back with her knife, causing it to short-circuit.
Coffee: “ERROR, ERROR.”
Cap: “That’s it! Now move it over to the airlock!”
Renegade: “That’s it! Now move it over to the airlock!”
Cap: “Smart-ass.”
Renegade, Two-Bit, Aloe, 6, and Miles all work together to move Coffee to Storage. Domino just lets them cook. Eventually, they all make it to the airlock. Cookie, Oscar, and Cap’s ghosts follow them.
Cookie: “Alright, guys! Shove it inside!”
Oscar: “Cookie, shut up.”
Aloe: “WAIT! What about Jerry?!”
Jerry: “Oh, don’t worry about me. I’m just taking Coffee for a walk. C’mon, Coffee.”
Eventually, everyone gets Coffee (and to a lesser extent, Jerry) positioned to be launched out of the airlock.
Cap: “Everyone stand back!”
Renegade: “Everyone stand back!”
Cap: “Oh, piss off, Renegade!”
Everyone steps back as 6 pulls the lever, opening the airlock. Coffee, Jerry, and Cap’s unconscious body get sucked out in the vast ocean that is outer space.
Aloe: “JERRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”
Jerry literally just waves at her.
Oscar: (In a mocking tone) “Jerry was not an impostor. 2 impostors remaining.”
Cap: “Oscar, with all due respect, shut the fuck up. It’s your fault this happened! Now we’re down yet another crewmate AND we don’t have a coffee machine!”
Oscar: “Hey, I’m not the one who broke it in the first place!”
Two-Bit: “Phew, finally. What do we do now? We don’t have a coffee machine, and we still don’t know who actually broke it.”
Miles: “Okay, first off, Oscar broke it. More than it already was, I meant. Second off, we don’t have anything to worry about because I talked with base and they said they’ll send over some supplies for a kitchen, so I assume that means we’ll get a new coffee machine as well!”
Two-Bit: “Huh. Well, I guess it all works out.”
Beat.
Aloe: “So when’s that stuff supposed to arrive here?”
Miles: “About a week.”
Aloe: “Oh, okay-”
All of a sudden, a tentacled monstrosity breaks through the ceiling and starts murdering the crewmates en masse, everyone screaming their heads off.
THE END! HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!