Work Text:
“You wanna… talk about it?”
Alan looks up from his lap- where he's been staring since they got to his home, turning his head to look at his former mentor. Eric is leaning against the wall next to the couch, looking concernedly at Alan as if he’ll fall apart any second. He means well, Alan knows, but still he feels like he's being pitied, “There's not much to say.”
There's quite a lot to say, actually. He’s scared- of the pain, the agonizingly drawn out death he will experience, and the suffocating loneliness that comes with it. He’s scared of what will happen after- when the world keeps turning without him there. Of being forgotten.
It’s his own fault, really, for never mingling with his coworkers. He attends the after-shift parties, on occasion. But more often than not finds himself spending the entire time in a corner, an outsider looking in.
“I mean, how are you feeling, emotionally?” Eric breaks the silence, bringing Alan out of his thoughts. He shifts his weight, unsure whether or not to try to close the gap between himself and Alan, “I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”
“How do you think I’m feeling?” Alan snaps, and the look on Eric’s face instantly makes him wish he could take it back. It’s better this way, though, he reasons. Don't let Eric get too close and it'll be easier for him to move on when the inevitable happens.
In truth, Alan desperately wants to tell Eric all of his feelings, so much so that it makes his heart ache. He already knows Eric would never reciprocate, as he’s currently going out with his latest fling from general affairs. The latest in a long line of non-committances that Eric is well known for by now.
Does Eric even consider him more than just a colleague?
“I don't know what you want me to say, Alan.”
Alan averts his eyes. He can't bring himself to say what he truly wants, So he pushes further away, “I want you to leave.”
Eric sighs, running a hand through his hair. He hesitates to respond, “Okay,” He lingers, “Just know I'm here if you ever change your mind. You don't have to be alone.”
Alan doesn't look up as Eric leaves, not trusting himself to keep his composure. The sound of the door opening and closing echoes in Alan’s mind.
Only then does he let himself be vulnerable.