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The steady beeping of the cardiac monitor was the only sound within the confines of Otabek Altin's hospital room. The Hero Of Kazakhstan stared blankly down at his covered lap; a million emotions warred within his mind, yet he couldn't figure which emotion to express because his heart ached.
This was his third time that he had been recovering in a hospital room in two and a half years, and each time was for the same common denominator. The biggest difference this time was how far along he made it. His mind kept going back to the happy and peaceful moment right before the pain that had led to his current emotional state.
Papers rested on his lap, while he twisted his pen within his muscular fingers. Otabek hummed slightly as he thought of songs for Mila and Sara’s wedding. Mindlessly, his non-dominant hand rested on his stomach; fingers traced over the taunt flesh. Otabek was so focused on his list that he didn’t realize his partner had come home until he felt the bed stir under the new weight.
Deep brown eyes shifted to steely blue.
“You were so absorbed with that list that you didn’t even realize I was home,” laughed JJ.
“To be fair, your child has been causing me intense bouts of nausea that it took all of my focus for this list.” The Kazakh stared a few seconds longer before he couldn’t contain his amusement any longer and a small smile appeared. “How was your day?”
JJ smiled as he opted to rest against Otabek’s side, his gaze lingering on his partner’s stomach. “The newbies are something else, and there are four of them! Four! Could you imagine having multiples?”
“So, I take it that your new students are two sets of twins?”
“I wish, babe,” groaned JJ, “My four new students are quadruplets. Two boys and two girls, each gender is identical. So, what do they do today whenever possible? They like to pull some Freaky Friday switches when I’m not looking or paying enough attention.”
That made Otabek smile wider.
“But they are so talented at skating, even if they aren’t polished in their skills.”
“Sounds like someone we used to know.”
Unfortunately that one simple sentence made both males close their eyes at their lost comrade and friend: Yuri Plisetsky. The ambitious skater had passed away after he was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time on his way home from the rink one night. A mugger that just wanted the paper in Yuri’s wallet had ended Yuri’s life before it had even truly started. It had devastated the skating world when the news broke out.
“He’ll always be missed, but Kitten wouldn’t want us to dwell on the past and keep bringing up the grief and pain from then as well,” whispered JJ.
“I still miss him.”
“I know you always will and that’s okay, Beks.”
It was the unspoken rule that the pair had between them since they had gotten together. JJ was not allowed to call Otabek the nickname that Yuri had given the latter: Beka. That nickname would always be the Russian Punks'.
“The kids tired me out and we won't get many opportunities to nap once our own makes his or her debut. So, shy don’t we take a little nap before dinner?"
“I think you can bribe me into one, JJ.” Otabek pushed the few papers he had onto the floor beside their bed while JJ reached over to turn the light off. The shorter turned over and got comfortable within the larger’s hold. “You smell so comforting, doesn’t seem to upset the baby either."
"Beks?"
JJ’s voice pulled the Kazakh attention from the memory. It was at that moment that the tears started to collect and line Otabek’s thick lashes, which forced him to clench his eyes shut. His fingers twisted within the worn hospital blanket. Some childish side within him truly believed that maybe, just maybe, closing his eyes would make it all go away.
"Babe, are you okay with the doctor doing those tests right now? Or would you rather wait? Or ..." Thick brows furrowed at the lack of response. “Otabek?”
“I just want to go home. Please, JJ. I can't right now.”
The Canadian gathered the younger into a tight embrace. His muscular body shielding his partner from the outside world to grieve. “Okay. Let’s go home.”
After a few hours of pulling some strings JJ was able to get them checked out from the hospital and home. He silently thanked his parents for coming over during that time to replace the mattress and sheets in the master bedroom as he helped Otabek settle down. Doctor’s order stated that Otabek be placed on bed rest with plenty of OTC medicine for any cramps, as well as a specialized diet to combat iron loss. However, JJ knew that the biggest challenge would be whatever the younger had going through his head.
The first miscarriage was a complete surprise because neither had known that Otabek was expecting at the time. They were still relatively new in their relationship. Children had never been a topic thoroughly discussed, rather it was one of those topics that always ended with “maybe one day when we’ve both retired.” That memory was always fresh whenever JJ replayed it: Otabek was practicing his quadruple salchow, but it ended with him sprawled on the ice after a rather nasty landing.
At first the Kazakh appeared fine aside from getting the air knocked out of him, however, by the time they had gone to their shared apartment at the time it was evident that something was clearly very wrong. A visit to the E.R informed both men that the life they never knew that they wanted was already extinguished. Only given a pamphlet with instructions of rest and OTC medications the pair had felt like a rug was ripped out from underneath them. That miscarriage implanted a lot of “what-ifs” and “should haves” in Otabek’s mind.
JJ combed his long fingers through Otabek’s inky hair. The motion relaxed the younger as he slept; one could visibly watch the tension drain from Otabek’s face. Those dark brows relaxed and made the smaller look younger like when they had all been actively competing with the Yuris’. To be that carefree again seemed like a fantasy.
The second pregnancy was after Otabek had officially retired from competitive skating and the couple had settled down enough that the topic of children became “why not now.” A smile sadly tugged onto JJ’s lips as he recalled the numerous times that he and his lover did the best part of parenting: making the baby. They had sex so often that they knew it was only a matter of time for that positive result. It took less than two months of trying and a highly stressful three minutes; Otabek paced their bedroom while JJ sat on their bed, head pressed against his folded hands as a silent prayer echoed within his thoughts. When the timer went off there was the biggest smile on Otabek’s face that JJ couldn’t help but to capture it via picture. Said picture was used to announce their little one’s existence to the world via Instagram.
For a time, all was as it should be for expecting parents. All of their friends in their inner circle congratulated them, as well as their social media exploding with comments from fans. Gifts were being delivered in high quantities from family, friends, and fans alike. JJ and Otabek were content with where their lives were going. They had even bought a house in Albany, New York that could house up to a family of five. The house was just far enough away from JJ’s family, yet had more promising potential for their future than if they had moved to Kazakhstan.
It was too perfect.
During one of Otabek’s ultrasound appointments near the end of his first trimester the doctor had to bear the news that their baby’s organs were growing on the outside of the body. At first, it appeared that only the intestines were growing outside of the body, but, unfortunately, the baby was stubborn and not in a good position. So, the couple had to schedule a followup and anxiously wait until then. A quick google search was enough to put JJ and Otabek at ease because the survival rate of the intestines growing outside of the body was relatively high. However, there could have been a happier ending in another universe than what they had received. The final nail in the coffin was during the followup appointment that revealed the full severity of their unborn child: the heart was also growing outside of the body.
Ectopia Cordis has an extremely low survival rate. Not to mention, if the baby did survive the pregnancy and birth then their child would most likely pass away after a few days. Assuming their child did survive then he or she would be riddled with cardiac surgeries and lifelong care by specialists. That was highly assuming that there weren't any other internal cardiac abnormalities inflicting their child. It wasn’t a life that neither JJ or Otabek could imagine for any child, let alone theirs, to suffer through. So, the couple had made the difficult decision to terminate their unborn child at twelve weeks.
It was the hardest thing that either had to ever do. Harder than all the training. Harder than all the losing by mere fractions of a point during an event. Even harder than losing their dear friend. The reality of the loss hit full force when someone leaked the news and both skaters respective fan pages blew up over night with condolences and hate mail. Whoever did it didn’t even give the couple the common courtesy of letting them tell their families and friends before the whole world knew.
JJ looked at Otabek and sighed at how their current situation mirrored when they came home after losing their second child. Both laying down in their bed, while attempting to comfort the other. However, due to the stress and medications Otabek was on after all three of his miscarriages he was fast asleep, leaving JJ to his thoughts.
Realistically, JJ knew that there was nothing neither could do. However, it didn’t help that the majority of their friends were advancing on in their respective relationships and having children. It was during these dark moments that made JJ wonder about the possible scenarios of if Yuri was still alive.
Would Yuri and Otabek have stayed together? Would Yuri and Otabek have a happy family together? What would Otabek and himself be if Yuri was alive? Would he and Bella still be together?
So many questions that never would have an answer were the worst things that plagued JJ.
It was the cramping that pulled Otabek back to the land of the living. Back to reality. With gentle fingers Otabek massaged his tender stomach. It ached and further proved that there was no longer a baby in there. If it wasn’t for the warmth of JJ’s body against his own then Otabek would’ve locked himself away from the world to mourn alone. Carefully, Otabek turned over to face his partner. Each stretch of his abdominal muscles caused him to groan in discomfort, while the unsettling feeling of wet briefs clinging to his skin caused Otabek to grimace.
Lithe fingers played with the long locks of the older. It was time for JJ to get a haircut, but with how busy their schedules had been it was impossible. Otabek tucked his head under JJ’s chin. He wanted to be close and to be grounded. Each heavy breath that JJ released spread a brief warm heat against Otabek’s scalp: a brief light of hope that their lives would get better with time. They had been through this so many times now that realistically Otabek knew it would be okay, but the emotions that would happen now were going to be the hardest battles to come.
Dark eyes caught the slight shimmer of scarred flesh that shone dully in the moonlight. Carefully, Otabek caressed the raised flesh reverently. He knew that the area was still tender to the touch, as well as still slightly rosy in color. Two scars that were no bigger than a quarter each would forever grace JJ’s lower right abdominal area. His partner would always have a physical reminder to look at instead of just the mental and emotional distress of losing a baby.
Otabek anxiously chewed on his bottom lip and wondered how the pair could have warranted such horrific luck.