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Dean had his eyes stuck on the road, his hand gripped tight on the wheel. The Impala had always been his safe haven when he was feeling down, and tonight, he was feeling shitty has Hell. After he had slap the door of the motel room he was sharing with his brother, he took his car and hit the road.
He thought about the shitty evening he just had. Sam had pissed him off, for a change, Bobby was not really helping, the case they were working on was getting out of hand and Castiel…
Cas…
Well, he just brushed away the thought as soon as the name came up in his mind, he was feeling pissed and now, as a bonus, he was sad. Mumbling and trying to turn the radio on, he took the road that led to the sea side of the small city.
When he finally managed to get the radio on and the volume to a decent level, the sky decided it was also the right moment to drop some rain.
“Awesome…” mumbled Dean to himself, activating the wipers.
What have the years of your life
Taught you to be
Lost in his train of angry thoughts against Sam, his mind began to drift toward all that had led them here. The fire, the death of his mom, Azazel, demons, damn angels, f-ing leviathans… His heart suddenly twitched painfully in his chest, and he took a turn on the right, toward the sea, trying to keep away from this particular train of thoughts, he concentrated himself on the landscape moving and changing around him.
‘Cause it’s closer than you think
And you’re standing on the brink
After a moment driving on the small rocky road he had engaged on, paying attention to not go to fast so the gravel wouldn’t scratch the paint job of his precious Baby, he could finally set his eyes on the dark shore.
He stopped the car alongside the small wall guarding the visitors from falling of the cliff. The sea was a profound dark grey, moving slowly, against the rainy evening sky, and despite the rain he opened the window of the car, taking a deep breath of the salty air, relaxing slightly his grip on the wheel. He dropped his head on his hands, closing his eyes. He payed attention to the music for the first time since he turned it on, and something broke inside him.
Don’t you recall what you felt
When you weren’t alone
His hand let go of the wheel to turn into a fist that he slammed hard against the black leather, and at the same time, the tears he had withheld, set themselves free. His lips let a small whimper escape as he surrendered himself to the feelings, letting them consume him.
Someone who stood by your side
A face you have known
He couldn’t do it anymore. He needed him. He needed to see him, to be able to look at those crazy blue eyes, to make them smile by being the smart mouth he knows he is. He wanted it so much, it was eating him inside.
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause it’s closer than you think
And you’re standing on the brink
Growling at the chorus, he slammed his hand again. He was close from nothing. Nothing. He had made it out, almost in one piece and his friend had let him go, he had let Cas’ hand go from his. He had lost him, he had let him there… And God, to Dean, it was probably the most atrocious thing he had ever done… And he had done plenty.
“I should have stayed in there…” he whispered to the empty car.
No hesitation and no holding back
Let it all go and you’ll know
You’re on the right track
Screwing his eyes tightly shut, feeling the tears burning his eyelids and cheek, he kept hitting the wheel with his fist, crying all he could, screaming and whimpering, letting the pain express itself.
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause there’s something on the way
Your tomorrow’s not the same as today