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There were a lot of things Donghyuck wasn't sure of.
But if there was one thing he was entirely and truly certain— he does not deserve Mark Lee's love and attention.
You see, Donghyuck is just your typical guy.
He wasn't rich, he wasn't smart, and he wasn't even that good-looking. He was boring, and if it wasn't for Mark, he knows no one would even bat an eye towards his direction. Donghyuck is just a nobody. He was barely a speckle of dust in this vast and exemplifying universe. And that fact alone was enough proof that he doesn't deserve a perfect person like Mark at all.
Which is why he was avoiding the said man and possibly everyone who knows him for a good two weeks now. He was lucky that Mark was attending university in a different town. Even if he wanted to come and see Donghyuck, he probably couldn't because of how demanding his classes were.
It was an asshole move, he knows. But he was doing everyone a favor. At least, that's what he thought.
The tanned male settles on his bed and covers himself with pillows and blankets. This has been his life for the past couple of weeks. And he won't lie, it was lonely. Lonelier than the days he was with Mark. But as much as it was lonely, Donghyuck thinks it was freeing at the same time. It's like finally removing an annoying stain on your favorite shirt. Except he was the annoying stain.
The younger man shuts his eyes and tries to drift off to sleep. He was so tired. So, so tired. And the idea that he barely did anything today exhausts him even more.
But as soon as he resigned his body to the soft mattress, his doorbell rang. The brunette immediately felt panic rise up to his throat. It was already 11:37 P.M. He wasn't expecting any guests.
The man takes a deep breath, hoping that whoever was outside his unit had just mistakenly rung his apartment. He stayed still under the blankets, waiting for the person to just leave. But when the doorbell rang again, followed by soft knocks, Donghyuck knew he was really fucked.
Mark. Mark. Mark. What was he doing here? Should he open the door? Should he pretend that no one was here? Should he just sleep? Should he fucking jump out of his apartment window and run away?
The younger could feel his brain whirring in anxiety and questions. He didn't know what to do. He feels his entire system shutdown as he struggles to push air in his lungs to breathe.
"Hyuck. I know you're inside. Can you please open the door?"
Fuck. Donghyuck sat up and rubbed his eyes in frustration. This was not the best time to cry.
Another knock jolted the honey-skinned to his predicament. He wants Mark to leave. He wants to hug Mark. He wants Mark to break up with him. He wants to sleep and finally feel Mark’s warmth again against his own.
"Hyuck.. I'm coming in."
No. No. Mark can't. He'll see him. The mess that he created in his room. He hadn't even disposed of the pizza boxes from a week ago. He'll see him and how fucked up he looked right now. No.
The frazzled man entirely forgot that he had given Mark a spare key to his apartment.
And so, like any sane person, he jumped out of his bed and ran to the balcony as an attempt to escape. He slams the sliding door and steps aways until his back touches the railing.
The air was extra cold, he noticed, causing him to shiver. But he didn't care. Not when Mark was so close. So near. He can't see him.
"Hyuck..?" He hears the man call his name but the Donghyuck only shakes his head as he turns towards the balcony, slinging his legs over it. He couldn't even find it in him to feel an ounce of fear as he felt the icy darkness on his soles. He was on the fourth floor of the building, and that didn't even scare him one bit.
The tears were blurring his vision. But he succeeded on crossing to the other side of the balcony fender. Now, for the easy part..
"Donghyuck!"
One moment he lets go, the next second, he feels warm, calloused hands gripping his wrist. The brunette looks past the haziness of his own betraying sight. His feet were dangling, dancing along with the eerie silence of the night. And then he sees his sun. Soft yellow and blue.
"M-Mark.."
"Y-Yes, baby. It's me." The man was out of breath as he smiled, ignoring the sudden strain on his arm.
"I.. I'm.. Y-You.."
"Hyuck.. Fuck, Breathe for me, please.."
Donghyuck can't breathe. The nonexistent fear awhile ago, finally straddling his entire soul. He was going to drop head-first. And Mark will too if he doesn't let him go.
"N-No… Let go.. M-Mark, let me g-go.."
The blond man only held Donghyuck's wrist tighter as a response. The younger man wanted to argue but all he could do was stifle a sob and whimper.
"You're okay, baby. You're good.. I'm gonna pull you up now, alright?"
Donghyuck could finally hear his heart beating maniacally. It was so loud, fast. And he swore he was close to yet another panic attack. But before any of that could transpire, Mark had already tugged him up and his shaking toes kissed the wooden floor of his balcony at last.
Warmth engulfs his quivering body making Donghyuck melt in exhaustion. Sobs, still racking endlessly. The sudden realization of what he just did sends a hard knock to his skull. I almost killed Mark.
"S-sorry.. I'm sorry.. M-Mark.. I'm.. I a-almost.. I'm.."
"I'm okay, baby. I'm okay. You're okay. We're okay."
The younger man shakes his head. "N-No! I almost.. I almost killed.. I almost killed you.."
Donghyuck pulls himself away and tries to find Mark's orbs. Hundreds and millions of thoughts intruding his already jaded brain. If Mark wouldn't leave him before, he definitely would now. There was no way Mark would stay. But isn't this what he wanted? For the raven-eyed to finally leave him?
"Hyuck."
"I'm… sorry."
"Hyuck..."
"I don't.."
"Donghyuck."
Foreheads leaning against each other, the taller male fixes his gaze to his.
"Breathe for me, baby."
The shorter man attempted to argue once more but the blond only held him in a gentle yet firm grip.
"Four, seven, eight. Remember?"
Donghyuck stares at Mark. He does. He does remember those words. Those numbers. It was a breathing technique he had taught Mark when the other was also experiencing severe panic attacks. He never would have imagined it would be used against him.
Breathe in for four, hold it in for seven, exhale in eight.
"You're doing so good.."
Breathe in for four, hold it in for seven, exhale in eight.
Breathe in for four, hold it in for seven, exhale in eight.
Breathe in for four, hold it in for seven, exhale in eight.
"I'm here, baby.."
Almond eyes blinked and the onslaught of noise outside his apartment was finally registering in his mind. He was sweaty, and his arms felt heavy as lead. His head was throbbing, eyes stinging. His entire body was sore. But all in the same, he felt relief wash his system. Air was inside his lungs. He could finally breathe. The clouds in his brain slowly dissipated.
"Mark..?"
"I'm here, baby. What do you need?"
Another surge of tears almost broke through at the question but Donghyuck wills himself to answer his lover coherently.
"I need… I.. I need you."
Or not.
"Let's get you inside first. It's freezing out here."
Donghyuck hums and lets the other man carry him inside. But as soon as he felt his body touch the soft mattress again, the vines of shame crawled on his back making the younger man bite his lips. What just happened, and the words that had come out of his mouth, came crashing to him like a truck on a freeway. He couldn't look at Mark anymore. He couldn't dare.
But Mark Lee seemed to have a plan on his own.
"Hey, baby… Do you want some water?"
The shorter male only stares at his feet on the floor. But despite the lack of answer, the blond still brought him a glass of water.
Mark kneeled in front of him, searching for his eyes but the Donghyuck just turned away. The taller male stands up, the sound of the glass clinking against his dresser enveloping the room. And then, warm hands cups his wet face and lifts it up. He hadn't even noticed he was crying again.
"I'm here, Donghyuck.. You can talk to me."
His chin trembles at Mark's words. And Donghyuck knows. He knows Mark was just too good for him. Too perfect. He doesn't deserve him at all.
"What happened, baby?"
Donghyuck holds Mark's hands on his face. He inhales deeply and pulls the other man to sit in front of him.
The events leading to this night flashes in his mind like a film. A broken one at that. Because no matter how much he tries to stop playing it, the film continues. Mocking and laughing at his misery.
"Mark.."
The blond just rubs his cheeks, urging him to continue at his own pace.
Donghyuck closes his eyes. Building whatever courage left inside him. And then he opens them again, finding onyx eyes. He thinks he can borrow courage from them too.
"I.. I failed to.. I failed to submit one of my projects.. For my finals.. It's the one I.. I made it for three weeks. I just.. I just left it at the cafeteria for a minute.. And then.. I came back and the.. It was already ruined.. I don't know what.. I don't know who did it.. Jaemin told me it was Ashley.. But I didn't know what to do.. I told my professor about it but he.. He told me he won't give me an extension.. I'm gonna fail.. Mark.. I'm gonna fail.."
The petite man didn't break his eye contact with Mark the entire time even if his speech was all over the place. But he wasn't done yet.
"And then.. And then I.. I know.. I know it's just a joke.. Really.. But.. But Lele.. He told me that you had.. That you had a really.. An awesome partner during one of your debates.. And.. And he said that if I wasn't.."
"If you weren't what?"
"If I wasn't Mark's boyfriend… That you and her.. You would look good together.. And I agree! I'm.. I'm nothing compared to you. You're amazing.. And I'm just.. I'm just.. I'm only Donghyuck. Nothing else."
Donghyuck didn't think Mark's eyes could even go darker than they already were. But they did. Mark's eyes looked like they were smoking ashes into his own.
"I'm gonna have a real good fucking time talking with Lele then."
In spite of his current dilemma, Donghyuck still managed to let out a giggle. He wipes his own tears. "No, you won't. Lele is our friend."
"Not for long if he keeps on spouting shit like that."
Donghyuck hiccups and smiles at Mark cursing. He felt significantly better letting everything out. Even if it won't fix anything, it feels nice to finally tell someone his problems.
"Do you feel better?"
"Hmm.."
Mark gives him a small smile before leaning in for a quick kiss. "Good. You need to rest. We have a long day tomorrow."
"What.. What do you mean..?"
The blond just ruffles his hair and stands up to round his closet. He comes back with two pieces of clean shirt and pants.
"I'm going to your university and raise fucking hell."
"Mark!"
The older one just snorted as he took off his outside shirt and jeans. He then wears the pair of clothing he took and turns back to him.
"I probably won't. I don't know. We'll find out tomorrow."
He then kneels on the bed and gently heaves Donghyuck's sweat-laden shirt. He kisses him again before inserting the tanned-skin's arms and head on the shirt. Taking initiative, Donghyuck then pushed his pajamas down and replaced it with what Mark had brought him.
"It's okay, Mark."
"It's not fucking okay, Hyuck! Someone needs to learn their fucking lesson or else they'll just keep on doing shit like these."
"You're swearing a lot tonight.."
Mark plops carelessly on his bed, opening both his arms, inviting him to cuddle. And Donghyuck couldn't deny any of it. He slowly laid on his side and tipped his head against his lover's chest. He hears Mark's steady heartbeat. The hazel-eyed immediately sighs in content. The taller man couldn't help but release a breath of relief as well.
"I'm sorry, Mark."
"You don't have anything to apologize to me, baby."
"I do, actually.."
Mark just grumbles as he traces circles on Donghyuck's back.
"I'm sorry for scaring you like that… And you know, for not communicating my problems properly.. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry." And I don't deserve you.
"It's fine, Hyuck. You don't have to apologize for whatever you're feeling. I get it. Just… Just please don't do that again, alright? I'm here."
The younger sinks deeper into Mark's warmth.
"And stop with that, you don't deserve me bullshit. If anything, I'm the one who doesn't deserve someone like you."
"Oh my god.. Did I.. Did I say that part out loud?"
"Sure did. Now stop thinking about stuff like that. I'll talk to Lele too, so don't worry."
"Mark.. I'm sure Lele just meant it as a joke. Don't get mad at him, please?"
The blond shifts on the bed and wraps his leg over Donghyuck's body. "Yeah, yeah, I won't."
"Thank you, Mark... I.. I love you."
"I love you too, baby. Now, sleep. We'll have a long day tomorrow."
"There's no stopping you, is there?"
"No. Now sleep." Mark tightens his embrace.
Donghyuck giggles and sighs. Feeling light as a feather now that his lover was finally beside him. Mark wasn't leaving him.
"..'Night Mark.. Thank you."
Mark wakes up before Donghyuck.
And he couldn't help but stare at the beauty that is his lover.
There were visible dark line under his eyes, small pimples on his cheeks, and tiny stubble growing on his chin. But the blond thinks no one, nothing could compare to Donghyuck's soft and heavenly beauty.
He traces the lines and Mark hopes Donghyuck could see himself through his eyes. Hoping that, Donghyuck can see what made Mark fall in love with him. And the things that no one can see but Mark—Donghyuck's kindness, his love for life, his eagerness to learn, his love for him.
"Mark..?"
"Good morning, baby. What do you want for breakfast?"
Donghyuck blinks his eyes open, then closes it. They never opened again which made Mark smile fondly. He leans and kisses the brunette's forehead.
"Pancakes sound good?"
The younger only hums as he sags deeper under the blanket.
Something inside Mark's chest burns. Thoughts that he had come to accept years ago resurfacing once again. Thoughts that he won't say out loud but he won't hesitate to preach when the situation arises. He would die for Donghyuck. Without a fucking doubt. And if he could die, he could also kill anyone for Donghyuck. Without any hesitation.
Mark smirked evilly as he beat the eggs in the bowl.
"You messed with the wrong guy, assholes."