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1. The Keurig
It all began with a single text to the Justice League group chat (the one they used for non-emergencies, or what the others would call "casual conversation outside work"). At first, Bruce hadn't even paid attention to the notification, but he decided to check it once the meeting he was in came to a short ten-minute break. Since the initial message, an entire conversation had transpired.
World's Finest Idiots
Clark
my dang coffee machine broke :c
H.J.
Wow, poor supes
Must be so sad for someone who's not even affected by caffeine
Clark
its very upsetting, i enjoy the flavor
O.Q.
Just buy a new coffee machine.
Clark
not everyone is a billionaire
buying a new one would ruin me financially
Diana
Save up, Clark
Use some of those money management skills they taught you in highschool
B.A.
Yall were taught money management?
The most i got was math class
O.Q.
Is personal finance not a required course in public schools?
For me, was a necessary credit to graduate.
Clark
i went to highschool in rural Kansas in the 90s
our personal finance advice was "go into credit card debt and pray"
H.J.
Are you?
In credit card debt?
Clark
no but ive got about 50k in student loans
O.Q.
Really? Just pay it.
Clark
wow thanks for the amazing advice let me just pull 50k from my ass
O.Q.
No need to get hostile, Kent.
It continued on, but that was where Bruce decided to leave it.
Instead, he opened up Google as the board members re-entered the conference room and picked up where they left off. And then, two hours later, as the meeting concluded, Bruce finally felt satisfied with the results his search had yielded and pressed 'place order. '
The next night, Bruce was getting ready for an early patrol when his phone buzzed on the table where he had left it. Glancing at the lockscreen, a message chain popped up:
Clark
which one of yall bought me a goddamn keurig
ive seen this model online its like 200 bucks
fess up right now
He let out a small smirk as he pulled on the cowl, but didn't give Clark the satisfaction of confessing.
If he found a way to pay Clark's student loan debt next, well, the alien didn't have to know it was him.
2. The Phone
Th e second time Bruce decided to replace something for Clark, it was a buy based purely on observation rather than hearing about the broken object from Clark himself.
Bruce had been leading a League meeting when he saw Clark try as subtly as he could to pull his phone out - it had annoyed Bruce, obviously, but he didn't get into it with the Kryptonian since Clark, Bruce, and Diana had all discussed the information prior to the meeting. If it were anyone else, Bruce would have called them out immediately.
So, while Bruce didn't stop the meeting to lecture Clark about manners, he did glance at the phone every now and then. Which was how he noticed exactly how cracked the screen was.
Honestly, it wasn't surprising - Clark had his moments where he forgot his own strength, and sometimes he was clumsier than he had any right to be. He was also stupid for not using a screen protector.
Nobody else commented on Clark using his phone during the meeting, and nobody commented on the state of said phone afterwards. Bruce didn't even say anything while he and Clark were on monitor duty that night.
Then, the moment Bruce got home, he dressed in more casual wear and sunglasses less likely to get him recognized, and went to the nearest T-Mobile (the service provider Bruce knew Clark used). He was only browsing today - he'd go online later and have the phone shipped to Clark's apartment, to be absolutely sure Clark couldn't trace it back to him.
In the end, he went with the newest Samsung he could find, and a week later he saw another string of messages from Clark in the group chat.
Clark
sumon biugt me a ohkn?
sorry
someone bought me a phone?*
and a screen protector
this is confusin
first the keurig and now the phone
someone has to be stalkin me
B.A.
Bruce
H.J.
Bruce
Diana
Bruce
O.Q.
Bruce.
J.J.
Bruce.
Clark
bruce stalks all of us he dont count
Well, at least Bruce knew he was in the clear. Clark didn't suspect a thing.
"Why are Wonder Woman and Superman the only League members that get their full name instead of initials? In your contacts?"
Bruce didn't jump at the sudden Tim at his side, but did turn his phone off a slight bit faster than typical. He had no doubt that Tim noticed.
"I respect Wonder Woman and Superman."
"Fair enough."
3. The Journals
If there was anything the League members knew about Clark, it was that he enjoyed having a notebook (or at least a small notepad) available at all times to write down any and all ideas, details, and clues that could possibly come his way. Despite his near-perfect memory, old habits die hard, and Clark often mentioned that writing things down helped him organize his thoughts better.
So, of course, the notebook was something Bruce paid a good deal of attention to. He always noticed whenever it made an appearance at the Watchtower - during meetings when he wrote down important information, during monitor duty when he was working up a rough draft or throwing around ideas for a front pager. And Bruce definitely noticed when the notebook was close to running low.
Compared to the other purchases Bruce had made for Clark (without the man's knowledge), a notebook was the equivalent of giving a kid a quarter for candy from a machine. Call him overdramatic, but Bruce didn't do "simple" purchases.
Not to mention the fact that he never bought single notebooks - he always got them in bulk, since they tended to fill quickly at the Manor, being spread between six crime-fighting, mystery-solving vigilantes (four of which also needed notebooks for school). So, when Bruce went to amazon to find a suitable notebook for Clark, he found one more proper for professional use. Leather hard-cover, college ruled, 360 pages with an inner pocket for storage and an elastic bookmark band built in.
Bruce ordered eight of them, two in each available color. That would last Clark slightly less than a decade.
He then ordered ten more for himself and the kids. They were really nice journals, they were sure to appreciate it.
This time, there was no declaration in the group chat of Clark receiving the gift, but Bruce was hyper aware of every time Clark pulled the journal from seemingly nowhere to jot something down. His eyebrows furrowed every time he did so, as if Clark wasn't sure he was even allowed to be using them. Surely he'd have tried returning them if he had the return form (and if the Amazon box didn't have his exact name and address printed on it).
Oh well. Clark could be as confused as he'd like, as long as he used the journals.
4. The Blanket
he next one was actually an accident, believe it or not, but Bruce would tell himself it was absolutely on purpose once he saw how happy it made Clark.
He'd been going through Amazon, passing the time while he waited for his interviewer to arrive at the restaurant they had chosen, and had found a rather nice weighted blanket. Large, heavy, and soft; perfectly sensory-friendly. It was exactly what Bruce had been searching for, since Damian had expressed his desire to have one.
Obviously Bruce bought their heaviest option in black. He hadn't realized the mistake until he got the confirmation email saying it was being shipped to Clark's address. Really, it was Bruce's own fault for not double checking the shipping information after it auto-filled. He could've cancelled the order or changed the shipping information, but he decided to hell with it and simply placed another order for the correct address.
The next day (since Bruce had paid for express shipping), he was able to see the happy faces of both Clark and Damian when they recieved their blankets:
World's Finest Idiots
Clark
[picture attachment: Clark floating midair in his apartment, curled up in the weighted blanket. There's a large smile across his face, and he seems unaware of the camera pointed at him.]
As his best friend, it's my responsibility to embarrass Clark as much as I can, so look at that goofy dumbass :)
B.A.
Awwww he's like a ouppy
Thabk you lois
Diana
He looks very happy
H.J.
And that looks like a cozy blanket
Where'd he get it
Clark
Dunno. He says it came from his "secret admirer" that's been sending him a bunch of gifts lately
H.J.
Man, wish I had an admirer like that
I wouldn't mind being stalked if it came with presents
Bruce got to witness Damian's happiness much more directly - he was informed by Alfred the moment the package arrived, and gave it to his son himself. Damian's eyes lit up with barely-concealed excitement as he excused himself, presumably to do his homework in his room under a mountain of soft, heavy blanket.
In the end, it was well-worth the extra $70 he spent for a second blanket.
5. The Suit
The first time Bruce saw Clark at a charity gala, he almost physically cringed at the suit the alien wore. It was a garish color, too tight at the shoulders and too loose at the waist and hips. Not to even mention the tie didn't match at all. He knew Clark was fashion challenged, but that suit was a disgrace .
He considered it a misstep, and figured Lois would get to him before the next event and his suit would be better. Less atrocious.
Bruce didn't consider that it was Clark's only suit. The next time he saw Clark at a gala, he was wearing the exact same suit. Right down to the disgusting tie. And the next next time? Same one. Again.
Say what you want about Bruce, call him a spoiled rich kid or a trustfund baby or whatever you want, but he absolutely refused to let one of his friends go around like that. It was a wonder any of the rich folk respected him at all, when his outfit alone should have turned him into a laughing stock.
So, the moment Bruce got out of his board meeting the next day, he went to his favorite tailor to get Clark an actual nice suit.
A deep gray, almost-black, that actually fit his dimensions. Bruce did leave it a bit looser at the waist, if only to let Clark keep his (rather poor) diguise of his physique. The tie that went with the suit was a nice, dark blue (to bring out his eyes) and the shirt a crisp white. It was, by far, one of the nicest suits Bruce had ever ordered, and he packed it with great care before he took it to be shipped. This time, since it was hand-packed rather than ordered online, Bruce even left a little note (which he had forged Alfred's handwriting for, as Clark would recognize his own handwriting): "A little something to replace that disgrace you call a suit."
As was typical with his recent gifts, Bruce didn't get any notice of when Clark recieved the suit or if he liked it. But when he went to the next gala Clark would be reporting for, he saw that same ugly suit, now accompanied by the tie Bruce had included.
He didn't see the suit until Christmas, when it was his turn to host the League's Christmas party (despite the fact nobody in the manor celebrates Christmas).
Still, at least it was getting used.
+1. The Lunch
For probably the first time ever, Bruce had free time before a business meeting in Metropolis. He had arrived on time, and then the meeting got pushed back two hours, and Bruce wasn't sure what to do with himself.
So what better to do than visit Clark?
Bruce stopped by a food place he knew to be Clark's favorite and ordered everything fresh, then made his way towards the Daily Planet tower. It was a gamble whether he'd actually be there or not, with his habit of disappearing the moment anyone needed Superman, but Bruce was willing to take that chance.
Upon arrival, Bruce was let in without any hassle. He quickly made his way up to Clark's floor and searched around, spotting the man's empty desk. Well, he knew it was a possibility. Bruce walked over and set down the food bag, then grabbed a pen and a sticky note. Once again, he forged Alfred's handwriting.
'Came to visit, and you were gone. It's tough to be a hero. Enjoy.
He stuck the note to the food and then turned around, satisfied with his little act, only to come face-to-face with Clark himself. Bruce froze in place, watching as Clark looked from him to the food, then his eyes widened and looked back to him. Maybe he should've stuck to his own handwriting for this one.
"It's you, Bruce? It was you the whole time?" Clark asked quietly, doing his best not to draw attention to them. Bruce sighed and turned slightly, grabbing the food and holding it out for Clark.
"Yes. In my defense, the entire League told you it was me, and you didn't believe them."
"No, they said you were stalking me, and I said you stalk all of us . Was I wrong?" Clark disagreed, though he still took the food and read the note again. Bruce carefully avoided his eyes.
"No. I do keep a careful eye on the activities of all members. I simply.. keep a closer eye on you in particular." He explained, watching Clark's hands fold and unfold a corner of the bag. A nervous fidget. Shit, should they be having this conversation in a public space?
Bruce didn't get to find an answer to that, because before he could get a word out to ask, Clark was grabbing him by the neck and tugging him into a kiss. Suddenly, the publicity of their interaction didn't matter at all.
The next morning, Bruce woke up to a strongly-worded email from his PR manager, including a link to the newest Daily Planet article. When he clicked on it, the first thing he saw was a picture of his kiss with Clark.
Oops.