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Sometimes things got too unbearable and Chanhee was unfortunately unable to stop it.
To put it simply, Chanhee had a bad day. It wasn’t the first time that he was experiencing a bad day, not at all. Having sensed that it would be one of those days again the moment he woke up with terribly stubborn hair that would not cooperate with him no matter what he did, Chanhee did what he normally did during bad days.
First off, he dolled himself up. If he were to leave the house with just a random beige hoodie on, along with a pair of mismatched joggers and awful hair that couldn’t even be covered by one of Chanhee’s many caps, he would have most likely had a breakdown in the middle of doing groceries. That would be highly embarrassing and Chanhee would rather not attract unnecessary attention, especially if he happened to be wearing that god awful outfit.
Then, he took deep breaths and tried to remind himself that everything was temporary and that this day wouldn’t matter to him at all in just a couple of days. Perhaps he would even laugh at how he’d classified it as a bad day simply because he had woken up with hideous hair. Typical and quite boring tips, Chanhee was aware of that, however they did work to some extent and he was satisfied with that.
Except that it turned out to be a bad day not just because Chanhee had awoken with awful hair that day, and it unfortunately was not the first bad day he was having in quite a while. It happened to be the tenth in a row, or something like that, and Chanhee was simply exhausted.
It begun with the hair episode, then he missed the bus because he had spent way too long trying to gain control over his hair (at least his attempts weren’t entirely futile; he managed to make his hair seem presentable), arrived late at work and got inevitably scolded for it, had an exhausting lecture after an unbearable day at work and was given three assignments that he had to finish within a week. Furthermore, the cardigan he had thrown on his body without checking the weather forecast beforehand was quite literally clinging to his skin due to how hot it had been that day. To top it off, he was sleep-deprived and also had the worst headache. Blame the sun for that.
Even now, while laying in bed and looking up at the ceiling, his headache had still not dissipated and he was still wearing the light-blue cardigan that he’d been wearing all day. His brain pestered him to get up, freshen up a bit and get working on the assignments that he’d had to turn in within a week, yet Chanhee couldn’t bring himself to do any of that. He didn’t even have the energy to get up and head for the kitchen to make himself something small to snack on, much less work on something that required having to read so much material and writing so many words and—God, he felt dizzy just by thinking about it.
His stomach was rumbling in protest, but he felt nauseous at the same time. He felt sleepy and exhausted, but he couldn’t get a wink of sleep. He felt terribly guilty for not having been productive recently, even more so when he ran through his list of mental notes. Despite the immense guilt eating away at him, though, he felt too weak. Unable to find strength and take control of his life once again, just the way he liked it.
Chanhee felt as if his body were paralyzed while his mind ran a thousand miles with thoughts. Each positive thought was soon replaced with a negative one, pushing him further into his puddle of self-despair. His eyes darted around the room, taking in every minuscule detail he could find as a desperate attempt to ground himself and calm his racing heart down (while doing so, he picked up a small stain on the wall he’d never noticed before and one of his throw pillows being slightly askew, allowing him to somewhat detach himself from his jeering brain). But then, when his eyes shifted to his typically sparsely-decorated desk, which was now packed with the material given by his professor, his heart rate picked up again and his breaths failed to slow down.
His professor had quite literally loaded him up during his worst.
Just when he felt like his bed sheets were going to swallow him whole, a sudden ringtone pierced the silence, startling him out of his thoughts.
Slowly, Chanhee turned his head and squinted his eyes when his phone screen lit up, lighting up the pitch black room whole. He extended his arm and clumsily reached for his phone on his nightstand, securing it in his grasp the moment he felt the object touch his hand. Frankly, he had planned to hang up on whoever was calling him. The last thing he wanted to do in the state he was in was speak, much less hold a conversation. But then, when he made out the seven letters forming a name he was very familiar with, Chanhee hesitated.
Jaehyun is calling…
Chanhee paused for a split second, deep in his thoughts. Jaehyun was a classmate of his. A guy who had been unabashedly open about his feelings for Chanhee shortly after their first project together. He continued to be open about his way too obvious crush on Chanhee and never once tried to hide it. Nevertheless, he was never pushy or overbearing. Sure, he was adamant on making Chanhee like him back, but he knew his limits and respected Chanhee’s decisions. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t annoying and didn’t get on Chanhee’s nerves quite often, though, but his antics were at least somewhat tolerable. Friendly banter was what they had going on. Or at least that was what Jaehyun preferred to call it (Chanhee had never really thought about what to label it as).
Chanhee’s first impression of Jaehyun had been a brash guy who laughed way too much at stuff that wasn't even funny. His laugh had been obnoxious and boisterous at first; headache-inducing and quite unpleasant to hear, particularly when it happened out of nowhere and awfully close to Chanhee’s ear. Now though, his laugh had become something Chanhee had grown used to due to it being an inseparable part of his life. Also, it wasn’t as bad as he'd initially thought. Even better if it was prompted by one of Chanhee’s witty jokes or doings (Only because Jaehyun’s reactions made him feel confident about his sense of humour, though. Nothing else.)
Although sometimes exasperating, Jaehyun and his infatuation with him was a welcome addition to his rather mundane life.
Despite the fact that Chanhee played hard to get and often put on an ‘irritated look’ whenever Jaehyun attempted one of his amusing flirting techniques, particularly when he tried out some corny pickup lines he’d willingly looked up on the internet, the slight upturn of his lips betrayed the ‘uninterested’ look he was supposed to maintain. It was quite frustrating to see himself failing at keeping an indifferent façade each passing day (a telltale sign that Jaehyun was succeeding in making Chanhee return his feelings). However, when he witnessed Jaehyun’s reactions upon seeing his unrestrained smiles, which were similar to those of someone who’d just won the lottery, Chanhee thought that perhaps giving in wouldn’t be that bad.
It had been a while since he’d last heard from Jaehyun, though. Seeing as the two men were becoming increasingly busy with finishing assignments and studying for the upcoming exams, the texts exchanged between them had considerably lessened. Usually Jaehyun sent a message or two daily as if to test the waters whether Chanhee was up for continuing the conversation or not, but now he sent a text every two to three days, just to check on how Chanhee was doing.
Chanhee appreciated Jaehyun’s interest in his well-being despite being busy himself. Every once in a while he’d think about the other and wonder what he was up to as well, but since he had never had the courage to send a text first and initiate a conversation, he was left with unanswered questions. At least until the next time they met in person.
Anyway, that was kind of it. Jaehyun was just someone who kept pining over him, but was also slowly melting the icy walls Chanhee had put up around himself.
Chanhee stared at his phone screen, his eyes blurry and hands shaky, and pursed his lips. Deep in thought, but now about an entirely different thing.
What’s he calling for? He usually never calls unless it’s important or something that can’t be discussed over text. Should I pick up? I shouldn’t. No. That’s far from a good idea.
Then again, if he spoke to someone right now maybe he’d be able to use it as a distraction and get things done.
I don’t think I’m able to speak right now, though. What if I break down into tears while talking to him? That’d be so embarrassing, hell no.
But his actions contradicted his thoughts as he slowly slid his thumb across the screen, accepting the call.
Chanhee took a deep breath in before he put his phone on his ear and cleared his throat, opening his mouth to speak for the first time that afternoon.
“Jaehyun?”
Chanhee grimaced. His voice sounded horrible . Definitely the voice of someone who was suppressing the urge to burst into tears for the sake of sounding normal over the phone.
“Hey, Chanhee!” Jaehyun’s voice was light and cheery, as it usually was. Devoid of any suspicions regarding Chanhee’s voice.
Chanhee’s chest flooded with relief.
“Sorry for calling out of nowhere,” Jaehyun continued to speak. “You might’ve been busy.”
“No, no, don’t worry. I actually just got back from my classes and am resting a little bit, so I don’t mind.”
“Aw, really? I didn’t see you at all today, though.”
So glad you didn’t.
Chanhee shrugged. “Well, I didn’t stay behind to catch up with work at the library. I went straight home. Maybe that’s why.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jaehyun agreed. “Anyway, I called you about that research paper. Are you done with your part yet?”
Chanhee froze, looking up at the ceiling. Research paper?
..More work to finish?
“Research paper..?” Chanhee muttered, his voice laced with confusion.
Again, he hated his voice for the second time that day. He sounded like he had no idea what Jaehyun was talking about (frankly, he didn’t) and he was making it so obvious. Chanhee wanted to scream.
Oblivious to the turmoil happening inside Chanhee’s brain, Jaehyun let out a short laugh.
“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about it,” Jaehyun’s voice was teasing, yet lighthearted. There was no malice in his words, yet Chanhee couldn’t help but interpret them as Jaehyun being disappointed in him.
“I.. It has slipped my mind. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, don’t fret. It’s okay,” Jaehyun said, voice laced with warmth. “We were assigned to write a research paper about body language and its matter in every aspect. We could either write it individually or choose someone to write it with, as long as we informed our professor about it. Does it ring a bell?”
It did indeed. Upon hearing Jaehyun’s words, Chanhee’s memories flashed in front of his eyes. He remembered the exact day they had been given this assignment. He also vividly remembered the way Jaehyun had begged him to work on this together, claiming that Chanhee was much better than him at writing in general. Right after that, they had sat at the library to catch up with their studies, just to give it up later when Jaehyun brought up a controversial opinion about Marvel movies. Chanhee wasn’t even a fan of Marvel movies, yet the other had somehow managed to lure him in and make him participate in the heated debate he’d had with his friends a week prior.
He remembered every single detail of that day and felt even more ashamed of himself.
“Yeah.. It does,” Chanhee’s voice wavered. “I’m really sorry for forgetting about it, Jae, seriously. I’ve just been so busy that I’ve barely had time to—”
“Chani, it’s fine,” Jaehyun responded, voice gentler than ever. So close to being Chanhee’s breaking point. “I simply called you to remind you about it. It’s no big deal if you forgot about it. I mean it. I’ve been very busy recently as well, so I understand where you’re coming from, really. Let’s talk about this some other time, alright?”
Chanhee had so many things to say, yet the words seemed to get stuck on his sore throat, refusing to give him the satisfaction of letting Jaehyun know that he was terribly sorry about letting him down just like that. It wasn’t in his character and he knew that Jaehyun was aware of that, but then again how could he be so sure? Chanhee was barely recognising himself these days.
His tears finally streamed down his cheeks, clearing his vision just slightly. It was truly foolish of him to cry about something as insignificant as this was, but it was just pent up frustration and sadness, really.
Maybe picking up Jaehyun’s call hadn’t been a good idea.
Chanhee slightly pushed his phone away from his ear, trying to even his breaths so Jaehyun wouldn’t become suspicious, before putting it on his ear once again.
“Alright. Let’s do that.”
Before Jaehyun could speak, Chanhee beat him to it.
“What have you been up to? Aside from being busy and all, you know.”
“Hmm,” Jaehyun wondered out loud. “Does missing you count?”
Chanhee groaned, bringing a hand to his face to hide his smile despite being alone in his room. The state he was in was just so messy : he had tears running down his cheeks while he was also trying to bite back a smile. A rollercoaster of emotions, truly. All because of a man.
“ Jaehyun.”
“Alright, alright,” Jaehyun laughed, amused by the tone of his voice. “I guess it doesn’t count. Too bad. I would go on and on about how much I’ve been missing that Chanel No. 5 of yours—”
“Oh my God. Stop obsessing over my scent!” Chanhee whined. “And stop making it sound like we haven’t seen each other in years. Dramatic ass.”
“A week is serious to me, excuse you,” Jaehyun defended himself, causing Chanhee to chuckle. “All I’m getting by this is that you, in return, haven’t been missing me at all. Wow, I’m wounded.”
“Now you’re just assuming things.”
A beat of silence, before Jaehyun gasped. “Oh so you’ve been missing me as well?!”
“That’s assuming, too!”
Jaehyun sighed dramatically, prompting Chanhee to giggle. His chest felt so much lighter already.
“Whatever you say, Mr. Choi. I’ll catch you slipping one day, though. Just you wait.”
I’m already slipping , though.
“Alright, whatever you say, Mr. Lee ,” Chanhee responded, mocking Jaehyun.
“You’re a literal child in a grown up’s body.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“...Anyway,” Jaehyun quickly said, changing the topic. “As for your question earlier, I’ve really just been studying and working. That’s all. Adult life is boring, though you already know that. Probably the only interesting thing I’ve done this week is visit my family and Darong.”
“Huh? Who’s Darong?”
“Hold on, hold on. Don’t tell me I haven’t talked to you about Darong?!”
“No..? I’m afraid you haven’t.”
“This is scandalous ,” Jaehyun shrieked, confusing Chanhee even further. “You’re literally the first person I haven’t talked to about Darong. Seriously. It’s gotta be the Chanhee effect. I’ve been so affected by Chanheeism that Darong has quite literally slipped my mind. Oh my God.”
“Can you just quit saying nonsense and explain who the hell Darong is?”
“It’s my dog!”
“Oh.”
“That was such a disappointing ‘Oh.’ Don’t tell me you’re a cat person!”
Chanhee furrowed his eyebrows. “What the hell are Oh’s supposed to sound like and how does that determine whether I’m a cat or a dog person?”
“I don’t know, if you were a dog person it would probably sound something like Oh! ” Jaehyun made sure to make the interjection sound high-pitched, almost happy.
Chanhee pinched the flesh between his eyebrows, shaking his head. “This is ridiculous. Do you have anything against cats, though?”
“No!” Jaehyun exclaimed, unnecessarily loud. “It’s just that I’m a dog person. That’s all. Not saying that being a cat person is bad, you know. If you are, it's totally okay.”
“Mhmm,” Chanhee hummed, utterly unconvinced, yet he let Jaehyun get away with it this time. “I haven’t really thought about it, honestly. I think I lean more towards cats, though. That would explain my huge collection of Hello Kitty stuff as well. Once I have a more definite answer I’ll let you know, since it seems like an important topic for you.”
“It is, in fact, an important topic. Not just for me, but for half of the population,” Jaehyun remarked, causing Chanhee to roll his eyes.
“Whatever you say, Lee.”
Jaehyun giggled. “Anyway, as I was saying, Darong is my dog. I’ve had him since I was really young. He’s around eleven years old now, so yeah.”
Chanhee smiled, a sudden image of young Jaehyun playing with his dog flashing in front of his eyes. Cute.
“That’s adorable. You must be really close with Darong, then.”
“Well.. Not exactly,” Jaehyun said, sounding sheepish. “You see, Darong kind of hates me.”
Chanhee stifled a laugh. “You’re telling me your dog of eleven years hates you? Just when I thought you couldn’t be more of a loser.”
“Hey! That’s not very nice of you.”
Chanhee could imagine a pouting Jaehyun, causing him to giggle. His tears had dried by now and he no longer felt like his bed sheets were swallowing him whole. He was on the surface now. Safe. Calm.
“Sorry, sorry. You know I didn’t mean any of that. Continue.”
“You had better not,” Jaehyun tried to sound threatening, but if there was anything that Jaehyun couldn’t be, no matter how hard he tried, was look and sound threatening. At least in Chanhee’s presence.
“So, what they say about a dog being a man’s best friend, or however the saying goes, does not apply to my Darong. I’m truly heartbroken whenever he pushes me away or ignores my presence. But it’s fine, though. I still love him.”
“You seem to be attracted to those who don’t return the same feelings you have. Tragic.”
Jaehyun stayed silent for a split second, before he spoke. “Darong is a lost cause. I’ve accepted my fate. What about you, though?”
“What about me?”
“Am I succeeding in making you return my feelings, or will I forever be attracted to those who don’t like me back?”
Chanhee paused, taken aback. He hadn’t realised that his words could be interpreted in two ways, but he could see it now. His heart picked up its rate as he fiddled with his cardigan’s buttons, seeming to doubt whether being honest would do him any good. He couldn’t think about it too much, though. His silence could be interpreted as something entirely different and Chanhee didn’t want that.
Perhaps the time to be honest with him had finally arrived. Chanhee wasn’t so certain, but when had he ever been fully certain about something? Especially when it was related to Jaehyun?
“Logically, there wouldn’t be a ‘forever’ if there was someone who already liked you back.”
“...What does that mean?”
“Exactly what it means.”
“No,” Jaehyun protested, almost breathless. “I need to hear you actually say it. No sugarcoating things or beating around the bush. Please.”
Despite the numerous protests sitting on the tip of his tongue because c’mon , it was enough honesty for a day and too long of a conversation, considering the miserable state Chanhee was in, Chanhee fought the urge to let them escape and swallowed them all. The temptation to behave like he’d always had was strong, almost leaving no place to at least consider giving Jaehyun what he’d been wanting this whole time and what he’d been determinedly fighting for.
Frankly, he almost gave in to that temptation. The very familiar temptation that always gave Chanhee a sense of comfort and security; assurance that everything was going the way he’d planned it and that there was no room for unwelcome changes or abrupt additions. Then again, when he gave it a second thought, he came to an unsatisfactory conclusion he’d been trying his best to ignore.
He’d been too selfish. The worst of it all was that Jaehyun had been on the receiving end this whole time; the person who was the least deserving of this.
His selfishness had only served as a defence mechanism, though. Whenever he felt like Jaehyun was being a little too successful at making him like him back, Chanhee would instantly ignore him. At least until he felt like those growing feelings had fully disappeared, although that had never been the case. Chanhee knew that all too well, yet had every time decided to play dumb. That was one mistake.
One other mistake was leading Jaehyun on, and then pushing him away the moment Jaehyun rightfully returned the act, completely disregarding the other’s feelings. Although Chanhee had never explicitly said that he wasn’t willing to get involved in a relationship, he’d also never made it clear that he didn’t want one, which only confused Jaehyun further.
His lack of honesty with himself had inevitably led to being dishonest with Jaehyun as well, so Chanhee felt like the least thing he could do was be honest with him after all this time.
He just wished he would’ve been given the chance to do this when he was mentally clearer, more presentable-looking and, last but not least, in person. Definitely not over the phone. But, oh well.
“Straightforwardly and honestly it is, then. I like you, Jaehyun. I really do.”
Although his voice came across as bold and confident, Chanhee kept shaking with nerves. His body wouldn’t stop squirming, once again reminding him of his terrible choice of clothes that day. A day to never forget.
“Like as in.. like like ?” Jaehyun’s voice was filled with disbelief, tugging at Chanhee’s heart.
“If we’re talking about the definition of like that middle schoolers like to use, which I’m sure we are, then yes. Like as in like like. ”
Jaehyun laughed in disbelief, almost making Chanhee wish that he’d been there to witness his priceless reaction. “Wow. This is.. I don’t even know what to say. I hadn’t even realised that I’d been holding my breath this entire time. Again, the Chanhee effect. ”
Chanhee snickered, not even bothering to hide how amused he was at Jaehyun for somehow turning such a serious moment into.. Whatever this was.
“Still, I want to apologise for such a shitty confession and for not being honest with you this whole time. I wish I could’ve done this in person, while facing you and all, so you could see that I’m being serious about this. I’m not joking about this and I hope you can see that.”
“You think too much,” Jaehyun said, his voice light-hearted as always. “I couldn’t care less about it being over the phone or in person, really. What matters the most is the words, so thank you. You just made me inexplicably happy right now.”
Chanhee smiled softly, closing his eyes in content and allowing his body to relax. Although his day had started terribly wrong, at least he’d done something right at the end of the day.
That was, until he heard Jaehyun’s next words.
“Hey, why don’t you do it now?”
“Do what now?”
“Meet in person and confess to me again.”
Chanhee’s blood ran cold. “What?”
“I’m outside as we speak, so we can meet up. Or I can come over. Actually, whichever one is the most convenient to you. I just wanna see you.”
Chanhee’s eyes immediately ran all over his room. Upon noticing the chaos that had settled in his room, pretty much resembling the state its owner was currently in, his heart dropped to his stomach. There was no way he’d allow Jaehyun to enter his room while it looked like that . No matter how far Jaehyun happened to be from his house he didn’t have enough time to make his room and himself appear presentable. In addition, he wasn’t so sure that he could hold back his tears at the sight of him.
“Jaehyun, I’d love to, but..” Chanhee trailed off, wetting his lips while rummaging in his mind for a convincing excuse. How could he say this without sounding like he didn’t want to meet Jaehyun right now? He wanted to, he really did; it had been quite a long time since he’d seen the older, so some spare time spent with him didn’t sound bad at all, yet the state he was in and the fluctuations in his mood would be a turn off for sure.
In the end, he settled for the truth. Jaehyun had had enough of his lack of honesty.
“Truth be told, I’m not exactly in my best state right now.”
“Bullshit. You always look gorgeous.”
“No, like, seriously,” Chanhee insisted, ignoring the way his heart skipped a beat at how effortless that compliment was. “Not just appearance-wise but mental-wise as well. This whole week has just been so hectic and busy and tiring and —Sorry, I’ll stop there. Didn’t mean to dump all that on you. What I mean is that this week hasn’t been my week so I’m obviously not at my best, as well. I’d love to meet up, but I’m afraid that I’ll just ruin stuff with my mood swings. You kind of chose the wrong time, basically,” Chanhee ended his semi-rant with a forced chuckle, trying to conceal the way his mood turned sour immediately.
The sole mention of how awful that week had been was enough to make tears prick his eyes, increasing his frustration further.
A second or two passed. Chanhee nibbled at his lip, trying to swallow the annoying lump in his throat that only made him sound incredibly pathetic and choked up. It was ruining everything. He was ruining everything, hence Jaehyun had still not responded. The lack of response only made the tears well in his eyes further. One more word and Chanhee was certain he would burst into tears.
“Chani?”
“..Yes?”
“Do you need someone to talk to?”
Upon hearing that, Chanhee could no longer hold his tears back. He began to sob uncontrollably as his shoulders shook with each sob of his, confirming Jaehyun’s suspicions. That sole question had been enough to make Chanhee's walls come crashing down and reveal his vulnerability against his will. Normally he would have begun to panic and try to build them back up after having laughed his vulnerability off as a mere state of weakness which was nothing to be worried about. Now, though, he couldn't be bothered to laugh it off like he'd always had. And maybe he didn't want to.
Frankly, he was tired of pretending . Of pretending like things were going according to his thoroughly-detailed plans, like this entire week full of bad days hadn't taken a toll on him, like the pressure hanging on his shoulders wasn't maddening and like he wasn't in need of someone to find solace and comfort in.
Now that Jaehyun was willing to be that person Chanhee so desperately hoped for, how could he turn him down?
“It’s not—It’s not even that bad..” Chanhee tried to speak through his sobs, sitting up so he could at least try to breathe properly. “I’m just overreacting, really—”
“Are you at home?”
Chanhee squeezed his eyes, feeling the hot tears run down his cheeks. As much as he didn’t want Jaehyun to see the state he was in, he truly needed someone to confide in and hold him in their arms. At least just for that night.
The desperation pushed him to utter a weak “Yes”, almost as if he were contemplating telling him the truth, but Jaehyun had already heard it despite it being barely above a whisper. There was no going back now.
“Okay, I’m coming over. It won't take long, I promise," Jaehyun’s voice was calm and unhurried, although he did sound quite out of breath. Either he was nervous himself or.. He was speed walking. Or running. For Chanhee.
"Stay with me on the phone. Try to take some deep breaths for me, alright? Close your eyes and focus on inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly. Don’t try to focus too much on making them perfect. I just need you to breathe, as deeply as you can."
Chanhee shakily nodded his head, although Jaehyun couldn't see him. He did as he was instructed, taking in a slow, deep breath and holding it for about five seconds, before exhaling just as slowly as he’d inhaled. It was somewhat difficult with a stuffy nose and a heavy feeling in his chest that only made the urge to cry even stronger, but Chanhee tried not to focus on that. His breaths were quick and ragged — not as steady as he would’ve liked — yet Jaehyun made it clear that he didn’t need to make them perfect, so he didn’t.
"You're doing well, angel. Continue just like that," Jaehyun was quick to reassure him, words laced with warmth. "Another thing I like to do is—Well, this will sound ridiculous, but it works, I promise. Doing maths in my head. Perhaps this won't work as well, considering that you're quite literally a human calculator but—It's worth a try, at least."
Chanhee huffed a laugh, wiping his tears with the back of his hand while taking in shuddering breaths. It was the first time he’d been told such kind of advice so it did sound quite ridiculous, however it also sounded like the most Jaehyun thing ever, so he couldn’t help but feel endeared.
It was adorable. Jaehyun was adorable.
“I’m like—five minutes away from your home, okay? I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay.”
Chanhee wasn’t sure whether it really did take Jaehyun five minutes to reach his home or not, as to him it felt like an hour or so. Definitely longer than he would’ve liked, that he was sure of. So, when he heard Jaehyun asking about the password to his door, Chanhee felt a rush of relief spread all over his body.
He was finally here.
The latter was able to hear the door unlocking and then being swiftly locked, indicating that Jaehyun had entered. The moment he heard his quick footsteps approaching his bedroom, everything felt too real. Jaehyun was actually inside his apartment, just a few seconds away from entering his bedroom and seeing Chanhee. Realisation dawned on him and he was quick to become self-conscious of his current appearance.
That was why when the door to his bedroom opened, revealing Jaehyun, Chanhee was quick to say, “Please don’t turn on the lights. I look horrible.”
He could see Jaehyun visibly hesitating, his hand lingering in the air close to the wall where the light switchers were situated, before he slowly lowered his hand upon Chanhee’s request. His bedroom wasn’t entirely too dark, anyway. His not-fully-closed blinds provided enough light, albeit quite dim, for Chanhee to be able to make out Jaehyun’s facial features and a bit of what he had chosen to wear that day. Chanhee was certain Jaehyun could, too.
Jaehyun closed the door behind him and, with careful and slow steps, approached Chanhee’s bed. The latter was sitting against the headboard with his knees tucked close to his chest, appearing small and frail. All Jaehyun wanted to do was envelop him in his arms and keep him in his embrace for the rest of the night, providing him with enough security and warmth that he was sure Chanhee was in need of. However, he refrained from doing so.
He wasn’t so sure that physical touch was Chanhee’s thing — especially during bad times — so holding himself back seemed like the right thing to do at that moment. Truthfully, he wasn’t exactly sure what Chanhee liked and what not in terms of receiving comfort, but it was alright. They would figure it out along the way.
Jaehyun sat down next to him on the bed — not too close but not too far — before slightly leaning closer. The moment his eyes met with Chanhee’s teary, glistening ones, his eyes softened.
“Hi, pretty.”
Chanhee pouted, his lower lip slightly sticking out, before his lips stretched into a small smile. It was barely there, yet it was enough for now.
Jaehyun hesitated at first, before placing his hand on one of Chanhee’s knees and rubbing it comfortingly with his thumb. Chanhee didn’t flinch nor back away, so that was a good sign.
“What would you like me to do?”
Chanhee looked down with a frown on his face, seemingly in deep thought about Jaehyun’s question, before settling for a shrug. He had no idea; all he knew was that he needed Jaehyun in some way. Maybe a little bit closer.
“That’s alright,” Jaehyun softly spoke. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Chanhee shook his head, looking away. “Later.”
“Okay. That’s fine. Do you.. Want to cry about it?”
Chanhee’s bottom lip quivered, before he shut his eyes and nodded his head. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” Jaehyun whispered. “And... Want me to hug you? Get closer?”
Chanhee frantically nodded his head, his dignity thrown out of the window once he made grabby arms towards Jaehyun. He couldn’t care less about how desperate he seemed at that moment; Jaehyun seemed to be aware of how touch-starved and in need of reassurance he was, so why bother hiding it for longer?
Jaehyun couldn’t help but smile wider. There was no mocking or amusement in his smile, just simple infatuation and fondness. How could he resist the younger when he was being so adorable and openly affectionate?
“Come here,” Jaehyun whispered as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Chanhee’s torso, carefully bringing the latter closer to himself. The response was immediate: Chanhee circled his own arms around Jaehyun’s neck and moved forward so that he could sit on the other’s lap. Then, he buried his face in the slope of his shoulder, squeezing his eyes tight so he could focus on Jaehyun’s cologne that he wore quite often. Months ago he thought of the scent as rather strong and tangy. Now, it was peculiarly sweet and too familiar. Too Jaehyun.
Perhaps his feelings for the older had somehow made the fragrance smell sweeter. Or maybe it had always smelled sweet; Chanhee had just not paid enough attention to it.
Once Chanhee was comfortable enough on his lap, Jaehyun wrapped his right arm around his frame while his hand played with the younger’s locks. Playing with his hair was something Chanhee profoundly liked, and Jaehyun had discovered that one random afternoon spent at the library while studying with the latter. It had been late and quite a tiring day for the both of them, which had led to Chanhee falling asleep in the midst of their studying session. The urge to card his fingers through his hair had been too strong for Jaehyun to refrain himself, so he’d ended up playing with his hair. At first he’d been subtle with it, but then it had progressed into braiding his hair.
In short, Chanhee hadn’t been all too happy about waking up from his short nap with braided hair — or at least an attempt at braiding his hair — but the feeling of Jaehyun playing with his hair had felt way too good for Chanhee to complain.
“Feel free to cry about it if you want,” Jaehyun whispered, his hand never halting its movements. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”
Chanhee nodded his head in response, before adjusting his position slightly so he could breathe better. The feeling of slow, gentle fingers scratching at his scalp prompted his eyes to shut, which in return made the tears fall and land on Jaehyun’s shirt. Although he’d said that he wanted to cry about it, Jaehyun’s soothing voice, familiar scent and gentle fingers had managed to decrease his almost uncontrollable urge to cry — instead bringing it to such a level where only his last remaining tears were escaping.
A soft sigh escaped Chanhee’s mouth as his body visibly relaxed, leaning into Jaehyun’s tender touch. Despite it being the first time they were in such close proximity, so intimate with each other, Chanhee couldn’t help but notice how comfortable he felt. Generally speaking, being physical with someone often made him hesitate or back away, but with Jaehyun it was different. He truly felt at peace and he definitely wouldn’t mind doing this for another couple of hours. Or maybe forever.
A few minutes passed just like that, with Jaehyun occasionally running his hand up and down Chanhee’s back in a comforting manner before returning it to his hair, and Chanhee staying still, taking it all. Neither said a word, though there was no need to. Chanhee didn’t want to talk — at least not yet — and Jaehyun respected that. He wasn’t there to force him to talk. He was there to make him feel loved and secure.
When Jaehyun suddenly shifted, eliciting a whine from Chanhee (which was extremely adorable, dare he add), Jaehyun chuckled.
“I’d love to stay like this but unfortunately I can’t feel my legs anymore,” Jaehyun said, sounding sheepish. “I feel like laying in bed would be more comfortable for both of us. How does that sound?”
Chanhee only nodded, standing up so he could give Jaehyun the chance to move and lay in bed. The moment he stood up, his cardigan that had slowly risen up by Jaehyun’s hand running up and down his back slid down, reminding Chanhee that he was still wearing the same outfit he’d chosen that morning.
Suddenly feeling embarrassed, Chanhee averted his eyes before clearing his throat. “I.. uh, I need a moment to change my clothes,” he said while gesturing towards his clothes, despite Jaehyun not being able to see clearly due to the lack of light.
Jaehyun blinked, staring at the flustered Chanhee for a few seconds, before he felt heat creeping up his neck to eventually reach his cheeks and then the tip of his ears.
“Oh. Oh . Alright, uh,” Jaehyun stuttered, suddenly sitting up on his bed, ready to stand up. “I can just.. Wait for you outside? Or go to the—”
“No, no, it’s alright,” Chanhee rushed to say, keeping him seated on the bed. “I’ll go change in the bathroom. Wait here, I won’t take long.”
Before Jaehyun could respond, Chanhee had already left the bedroom with a pair of what seemed to be pyjamas after quickly grabbing ahold of them in his closet. How Chanhee had managed to find them that fast even though the room was practically drowned in darkness was beyond Jaehyun, yet that thought quickly slipped his mind the moment he noticed the pile of books on top of Chanhee’s desk. Chanhee had left the door ajar after having left the room, so the light coming from the hall lit up some parts of the younger’s room.
Jaehyun sighed upon seeing what a mess Chanhee’s room was. He would’ve gladly helped the younger one put his things in place and tidy his room for him, but he had little to no idea about where Chanhee preferred to put his things, so he couldn’t be much of a help. After looking around his room for some time, Jaehyun settled for fluffing his pillows and picking up his scattered stuffed toys from the ground to place them on the bed as an attempt to make his bed feel cozy.
Right when Jaehyun finished lining up his stuffed toys on the bed (which mostly consisted of Hello Kitty and Jaehyun made sure to store that piece of information at the back of his mind in case it would be useful in the near future), Chanhee came back. What he hadn’t expected was finding Jaehyun adjusting his stuffed toys, so he raised an eyebrow.
“Your friends were sad that you had thrown them on the ground, so I picked them up and placed them here. They’re not mad at you, though. I think they want to help make you feel better as well.”
Chanhee blinked, slightly taken aback, before a smile bloomed on his lips. He had said this once before, and he was going to say it again. Jaehyun was adorable .
“You’re so cute.”
Chanhee watched with amusement in his eyes as Jaehyun froze, before covering his face with his hands out of shyness and plopping down on the bed, close to the Hello Kitty toys.
“ Stop ,” Jaehyun whined. “I’m the one supposed to make you feel better, not you.”
Not wanting to miss any of his reactions, Chanhee approached the blinds and opened them — just enough for him to be able to view Jaehyun better. Considering that it was late autumn the sky had already begun to darken despite it being barely four in the afternoon, so the streetlights were already turned on. He was still not entirely comfortable with turning on the lights, so the bright light coming from outside would do.
“Who would’ve thought that I would make the brazen Jaehyun shy one day.”
Taking notice of his teasing tone, Jaehyun uncovered his face to take a proper look at Chanhee. The light coming from outside illuminated his features beautifully, making them appear sharper than they really were. In the midst of admiring his flawless beauty, Jaehyun couldn’t help but notice how his eyes were slightly swollen and his lips redder than usual, all due to crying.
Jaehyun’s eyes softened; his gaze tender all of a sudden. He then patted the spot beside him, silently inviting Chanhee to lay there.
It didn’t take long for Chanhee to join him. The moment he laid beside him, Jaehyun immediately engulfed him in his arms, not once wanting to be separated from him.
Chanhee didn’t mind that. Not at all.
“I’m sorry that you had to see me like this after such a long time of not meeting up.” Chanhee’s voice was muffled due to his face being quite literally buried in Jaehyun’s chest, but the other could still make out what he was saying. His words only brought a frown to Jaehyun’s face.
“I’m also really sorry for confessing over the phone. We should’ve been doing something else right now, but instead you’re here, taking care of me simply because I’ve had a bad day. I’m terribly sorry, Jaehyun.”
Not even a second later, Jaehyun tightened his grip on Chanhee. He brought the younger closer to himself and closed his eyes, placing continuous kisses on top of his head.
“You’ve got nothing to apologise for, angel,” Jaehyun’s voice was quiet, afraid to disturb the bubble they had built around them. “Absolutely nothing. I’m here to take care of you because I want to, not because I feel obliged to. I care about you, Chanhee, and I want to be there during your good times and bad times.”
Chanhee didn’t say anything, so Jaehyun took that as a sign to continue.
“I couldn’t care less about the way you look right now. To me, you’re gorgeous nevertheless, no matter if it’s one of your good days or one of your bad days. I wish you could see yourself the way I do, Chanhee.”
Chanhee sniffled, tightening his grip on Jaehyun’s shirt. He felt like he was going to burst into tears again, yet this time for an entirely different reason.
“Also, stop beating yourself up for confessing over the phone," Jaehyun said, this time sounding serious. “No matter the way it’s done, it still counts as a confession. We just happened to be talking on the phone and you confessed to me, seeing as I was the one who actually asked you to do it. That’s all. I’m happy with anything as long as it’s coming from you, alright?”
Chanhee whined, lightly punching his chest with his fists. His vision was blurred with tears again , and this time it was all Jaehyun’s fault.
“You and your damn words will make me cry again, shut up!”
Jaehyun laughed, his shoulders shaking with every laugh of his. He then took Chanhee’s wrists in his hold before slowly entwining their hands together, prompting Chanhee to look up and meet his eyes. The tenderness Jaehyun held in his gaze was enough to make Chanhee’s face burn with embarrassment, yet it was fortunately barely visible due to the absence of adequate light.
“Thank you for trusting me to see you during your bad days, too, Chanhee.”
Chanhee sucked in a sharp breath, blinking tears away so he wouldn’t miss Jaehyun’s loving gaze. As much as it made him deeply embarrassed to the point he wanted to hide his face in Jaehyun’s chest and never face him again, it was also extremely entrancing. Almost surreal, as if Jaehyun looking at him like that was only part of Chanhee’s imagination. It surely wasn’t, though, and Chanhee made sure to not break their eye contact not even once to make this moment last as much as he could.
“You don’t have to thank me, Jaehyun. It’s all thanks to you.”
Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows. “How so?”
Chanhee shrugged. “It’s just.. You. The way you act around me, the way you’re extremely patient and understanding with me, the way you subtly take care of me, the way you just do everything . I can be myself when I’m around you without any problem, and that’s just.. Wow. To me, it’s one of the things I appreciate the most in someone. So, thank you for being you , Jaehyun.”
As soon as Chanhee finished his heartfelt confession, a wide smile appeared on Jaehyun’s lips — Chanhee’s favorite smile. It was that smile — the smile that Jaehyun couldn’t stop from appearing due to how happy he was feeling, and knowing that he was the one who made Jaehyun smile like that, Chanhee couldn’t help but love it even more. It just suited Jaehyun so well.
“Damn, I really like you, Choi Chanhee.”
Chanhee only giggled, breaking their eye contact to rest his head on Jaehyun’s chest. He was able to hear Jaehyun’s quick heartbeat, almost threatening to burst out of his chest, and he closed his eyes in content. They were really gone for each other, it seemed.
“So.. when are you going to show me Darong?”
“Darong! You’re right! Hold on, I’ve got plenty of pictures of him on my phone. Here..”
The next few hours were spent with Jaehyun showing Chanhee plenty (when Jaehyun had said plenty, he’d really meant it) of pictures of Darong, as well as rather short videos which he’d mostly taken during his walks with him. Jaehyun’s dog was simply adorable and the bond he had with its owner was so amusing that Chanhee, more often than not, found himself wiping tears from his eyes due to how much he’d been laughing.
In short, the afternoon they spent together was the best one he’d had in a while and it would surely engrave itself in Chanhee’s brain. In the midst of Jaehyun showing him one of Darong’s pictures and telling him some extra information that no one had the privilege to know about apart from Chanhee (he liked to label it as the soon-to-be-boyfriend privilege), Chanhee couldn’t help but tune out Jaehyun’s rant while focusing on him. That did make him feel a little guilty, especially because Jaehyun seemed to be so excited about giving him tiny, seemingly insignificant details that gave Chanhee the chance to know more about Jaehyun and his life overall, yet his thoughts got the best of him. As always.
Here, while laying right beside Jaehyun and listening to his silly stories about him and the one-sided love he shared with his dog, Chanhee felt at peace. It was quite odd, seeing as Chanhee had never expected himself to feel at peace and find solace in somebody who was basically the opposite of peace and its definition, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind a lot of things when it came to Jaehyun, actually, and while it was a frightening realisation, this time Chanhee wouldn’t back away. This time, instead of pushing his feelings away, he was going to embrace them and act upon them. Perhaps it would take him some time to get used to it, but it was worth it. He was sure of it now and he knew what he had to do.
A couple of hours ago he'd hesitated at accepting the call and allowing himself to be comforted by somebody else, instead opting to wallow in self-despair and overcome obstacles all by himself although he was barely succeeding. Now, though, he couldn't be more grateful that he had behaved against what his mind almost convinced him to do and instead accepted the call. This entire afternoon would have not happened had he not accepted the call and Chanhee would have never forgiven himself.
“..Chani? Hellooo, Earth to Chanhee.”
Chanhee flinched, blinking a few times, before subtly backing away with flushed cheeks upon noticing how close Jaehyun’s face was. When had he leaned so close?
“Already tired of my stories with Darong?” Jaehyun jokingly scoffed, turning his phone off. “I knew you were a cat person.”
Chanhee slapped his arm, sticking out his tongue at him childishly. “And what if I am?”
Jaehyun simply rolled his eyes, ruffling his hair just to spite him further. “Brat.”
“On a serious note, I’m not tired of your stories with Darong. I promise.”
“But you’re tired.”
Chanhee smiled, closing his eyes. “Is it that obvious?”
“I mean, kind of.”
Chanhee opened one of his eyes, looking up at Jaehyun with a raised eyebrow.
“Alright, it is obvious. Quite a lot, actually,” Jaehyun admitted.
Chanhee chuckled, snuggling closer to the older's chest. He opened his mouth to speak, but Jaehyun beat him to it.
"Before you begin talking nonsense about how terribly sorry you are.. For what exactly, Chanhee? For being human?”
Stunned, Chanhee pursed his lips, words stuck in his throat.
“It is only normal that you’re this exhausted. Crying tires everyone out, you know, so stop apologising for things you cannot control. Or else..”
“Or else what?”
“I’ll tickle you.”
Chanhee gasped, immediately backing away from him and holding one of the stuffed toys in front of his body as a shield.
“Don’t you dare, Lee Jaehyun, or I swear..”
Jaehyun giggled, holding his body up with one arm while he leaned closer to Chanhee.
“That’s up to you, Chani,” he said, voice saccharine as he bumped their noses together. “Stop apologising and I won’t do any of that.”
Chanhee sighed, defeated. “I hate you.”
Jaehyun only smiled wider, pinching Chanhee’s cheek which only earned him a slap on his hand in return.
“Damn, I didn’t know a tired Chanhee was more aggressive than usual.”
“You talk too much,” Chanhee said before making Jaehyun lay on the bed again and snuggling closer to him, all while still holding the stuffed toy close to his chest.
“Do you want to doze off?”
“Mmh,” Chanhee murmured, nodding his head. “Wanna sleep and forget that this entire week happened. Except for today’s afternoon.”
Jaehyun smiled, his heart skipping a beat. Chanhee’s words let him know that he had succeeded in making him feel better, and that was all that mattered to him.
“I’m glad,” Jaehyun whispered. “Sleep now, then. I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise. Unless you want me to leave..”
“No,” Chanhee said, clutching onto his shirt. “Stay. Please.”
Jaehyun kissed the top of his head, hugging him closer. “I will.”
That was all Chanhee needed to hear before he closed his eyes, allowing sleep to overcome him while surrounded by a comforting warmth. Merely seconds away from slipping into dreamland, he heard a soft, melodious voice singing a lullaby to him. Confused at first, before he realised it was coming from Jaehyun.
"How come you’ve never told me how much of a good singer you are.." Chanhee trailed off, eyes lidded and voice heavy with sleep.
"Well, there are still a lot of things you need to learn about me, Mr. Choi."
Chanhee smiled. "I can't wait."
“Sleep first, though.”
And that was what Chanhee did. Sleep while on the surface, feeling safe and calm. All because of Jaehyun.