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OA walked into his house, with his shoulders slumped and head down. The lights were dimmed and the space was silent, indicating that his girls were sleep. Usually, they'd drop everything and run straight into their father's arms. There would be tugging on his beard and play by plays of their day as kindergarten students. It was way past their bedtime by now so there was no little feet rapping against the wooden floor as the twins raced to their dad.
Instead, his wife Kristen, was there sitting at the dinette table in the kitchen. A glass of wine rested at her side as her eyes focused in on the book she was reading. Those same eyes immediately detected the shift in OA's usual demeanor from the very second they met him. She placed her book down away from her and immediately stood. Not wanting to crowd him, she stood still and waited for him to come to her.
He walked slowly and his mind raced with contemplation as he did so. He knew his wife. He knew that she'd try to coax the reason behind his current stupor out of him. He could already see in his head how her one single focus would be to comfort him, whether by offering a solution or an ear to bend.
And even though he wanted to feel the cherish and ease that only his wife could provide, he mulled over whether he wanted to burden her with the details. She'd be upset herself upon learning what troubled him. He didn't want to instill fear in her for the case of a fate that may never actually happen.
Still, he knew that he'd be plagued with a terrible mood, restless anxiety, and paranoia if he kept things to himself. If he should even get sleep tonight, it might be haunted by nightmares of the worst afflictions he could imagine happening to his family.
He took Kristen's outreached hand and sat in the chair next to hers. She softly sat back down and rubbed his back. The circular motion brought instant warmth and aroused him to speak.
"It was a rough case..." He started. OA thought back to events of the day while working the case and immediately got choked up. Kristen's phone lights up when the low battery notification makes itself known. She immediately dismisses it and the screen portrays only her wallpaper image. The photo is OA's favorite. A picture of her and their girls on the first day of school. Amara is clinging to Kristen with her nerves evident on her face. Aaliyah smiles brightly at the camera, showing off her recently missing tooth. OA had took the picture himself and now his eyes lingered on the phone screen at the three most important people in his life.
"It was kids, wasn't it?" Kristen asks.
Her voice is still soft and slightly hesitant.
OA nods and lets out a small whimper before leaning into Kristen's hand as it continues to rub patterns into his back.
"We got a call about a missing kid, kidnapped just a few feet from his mom at the park. Turns out he was taken as leverage because the dad got caught up in some shady business dealings." He roughly sighs at how a quarrel over money ended up with such tragic consequences.
"Our first lead was narrowed down by witness reports and some nearby camera feed that gave us a partial ID on a suspect. He got lucky, his face was partially obscured by his hoodie, but not that lucky. Tattoo on his right hand gave him away and Ian got us a hit, Jesse Kaufman, guy that's loosely connected to Petersen Enterprise, the dad's company."
OA shakes his head as he gets deeper into the case that will likely haunt his memories for the foreseeable future. He gives all the nitty gritty in their common shop talk lingo, subconsciously avoiding the meat of the story.
Kristen notices the avoidance tactic, but remains patient. As strong and resolute he is, she knows her husband can get a little skittish when backed into a corner. She didn't want to say anything that'd deter him from getting things off his chest, even if it took some roundabout.
Minutes pass while his lips keep moving before he proceeds to get to the thick of things.
"We ended up exploring another lead because the guy wasn't there at his place and NYPD hadn't turned anything up about him. The roommate was there at the apartment and helped as much as he could, but it was a little weird. Something was off. The roommate, he was agitated, like he was hiding something. Turns out he was behind it the whole time. He was the mastermind. We caught up with the actual kidnapper and he sold out his guy when he realized we had no problem letting him take the fall for it all. He confessed his part and told us where the kid was.. We were there-"
His voice shakes and cracks, rendering him speechless for a moment. Though no tears fall, his eyes are seas and the waves are begging to rush down his face. He looks to Kristen and there's pleading in his face. Pleading to take the ache away. *Please.*
"We were *right* there, Kris."
She grabs his hand and holds it in both of hers. Her thumb strokes his knuckles as his hand lies in her lap.
"He panicked. When he heard us at the door, he panicked and- I thought it was weird how he all but pushed us into the apartment, but my mind was so set on finding Kaufman. And then his agitation when he was answering our questions, he was sweating bullets, but I just chalked it up to nerves being around law enforcement. I explained it all away and if I hadn't.. Maybe-"
The knuckles on OA's other hand turn white as he grips the kitchen table with might and frustration. He looks away, ashamed at his inactions. Angry for missing potential signs.
"We flipped the whole place after we arrested him. The bedrooms, bathrooms, living room, kitchen, everywhere! No kid. One of the officers calls us out into the hall. The apartment building is decades old. Still has one of those laundry chutes.."
This time, the levee breaks and the tears come raining down with no end in sight. The sound of OA's whimper cracks Kristen's heart in two and she's moments away from crying alongside him.
"It was abandoned so no one used them. They called the paramedics, but it was already too late. His neck was broken. Even if he survived the fall, he would've ran out of oxygen...I just- *how* could someone just throw away a child like that? I mean- what gives someone the right to take someone's *child* and dispose of them like dirty laundry?! How can someone just do that?!"
By now, the father of two is sobbing openly and silently pleading for solace.
"*How?!"*
She grasps all of him in her arms and holds tight, hoping and trusting that her love and light shines through. She knew him well enough to know that he partially blamed himself even if what happened was no doing of his own. Still, she won't open her mouth to disclose that even if he got a warrant to search the place earlier, they wouldn't have thought to look out in the hallway. Or how that warrant never would have even covered the hallway to begin with. She can't say it won't ever happen to their girls, because hell, she couldn't guarantee that to her damn self. It was a sometimes crippling fear that sometimes kept her awake at night ever since she became a mom.
She holds him for all he's worth until his shoulders stop shaking from his heavy cries.
She can't let him go to bed tonight without saying something though. There'd probably always be a part of him that blamed himself for matters beyond his control, but he didn't need to close his eyes bearing such an unfair mantle on his shoulders. She grabs his face and wipes his tears, making sure that he's looking straight into her eyes.
"Look at me, honey." She takes a second to collect her breath from her own crying. "You can put this on yourself and give as many mental lashings to yourself that you want, but even if you were a psychic with x-ray vision, that wouldn't just automatically erase what that monster was capable of. The lengths he was willing to go. The evil that he didn't think twice about. But now because of you.."
OA turns his head away again, unable to accept the loving look from his wife. He hates that she's still finding a way to console him over today.
"Look at me. Because of YOU, Omar, he will *never* be able to do something so horrific ever again."
"But maybe-"
"Maybe you charged into that apartment on a hunch and ruin your career because there was no probable cause. Maybe that monster decides to take the kid somewhere out of the building completely and kills him somewhere else, giving you no lead. Maybe he walks into the local precinct and confesses to everything. Baby, you're gonna drive yourself crazy with the maybes! You know better than I that the game's already half over if you start doubting every single move you make."
Kristen had raised her voice some to get her point across, but not too loud to wake their babies. She wanted him, *needed* him, to know that there was only one person who was ultimately responsible for this atrocity.
"You did your job. The best you could. Sometimes that happens… Sometimes you do everything right and the outcome is still the worst possible ending. All I know is that you're always gonna be my hero. And our girls' hero. And *nothing* is ever gonna change that."
The light kiss Kristen presses on his lips lifts pounds of stress from his being. She didn't have to say it because he sees it in his eyes. He sees it right now as she wipes his remaining tears and caresses his face.
In that moment, it was enough to know that the three lives he cherishes the most see him in a way that makes him feel invincible. Makes him feel worthy. Gifted even.
"Come here."
His wife reaches for him once more and cradles him into her chest, rocking him side to side. The lulling sensation calms the remaining frenzy dancing in his head. Peace takes over as an easier kind of forgiveness.