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“You’re leaving them! “He screamed, his voice starting to go hoarse. Never was that a particularly good sign; in reality , it meant he was screwed for a performance. But, the anger would not subside. It churned maliciously in his stomach, threatening to spew like venom from his mouth. So, just this once, he would not think of the repercussions and he let his volume continue to grow. “Goddamn it! Say something back! ”
In contradiction to his friend, Woojin was not angry, he was tired. No energy left to argue or raise his voice. He was growing weary of this back and forth they had been doing for a while. He just wanted Chris to get to the point instead of trying to make him feel guilty. “Say what you really mean. I’m tired of arguing with you when I don’t even know why you’re mad. Are you mad because—-“
He was abruptly cut off causing him to wince at the volume and pitch of the other’s voice. “I am saying what I really mean! Why do you keep insinuating that I’m lying to you?”
“You’re not lying, just not saying the whole truth” Again woojin just wanted to reiterate that he was tired. Tired of being the punching bag, tired of having to shut down his thought, his ideas, his dreams for the sake of everyone else’s. Why could everyone else be selfish, but as soon as he wanted something of his own—a legacy— he was the villain. And now here was his friend turning himself into the victim. Fuck he just wanted to leave, but Chris looked like he was ready for a fight and woojin believed that if he moved it brake the uneasy balance they had going on, so he stayed put.
He was filled with anger, with anguish, because here he was trying to fight for them to stay together, for their dreams, and Woojin just wanted to throw it all away? Did everything that they worked so hard to achieve mean nothing to him? Why was he doing this? “You want the full truth? Fine, I’ll give it to you. How can you walk away like it means nothing, like they meant nothing? You might be the one leaving, but I’m the one who’s going to have to pick up the pieces. We want you to stay. I…. “ don’t say it, woojin thinks. Body crumbling into itself. “I …. I want you to stay” he said it. The five words that keep woojin up at night, one in particular becoming the basis for all his nightmares recently. All the hate he has endured, the back handed compliments, the threats, the straight up bullying and yet here chris was begging him to continue dealing with it for everybody else. So that they felt comfortable, so that they felt better, while he sat on the sidelines slowly losing himself.
“I’m tired” His voice a whisper, fading and filled with sorrow. “I’m so tired” he held his head in his hands shaking slightly. “I’ve given everything” his voice broke as he began to silently cry “ I have given it my all, but nothing matters anymore. I have nothing…….left to give.” The words hung in the air, suffocating. Woojin was empty, hollow. An abandoned husk of a person. His eyes sunken, his face pale and thin. Chris for the first time saw how Woojin had changed. Saw the pain and the anger and how it had effected him. He was so busy thinking about himself and the others, he forgot who this was really about, woojin.
Chris wanted to scream, but this time he couldn’t. The anger that had been festering inside grew quiet. As if a rupturing volcano had grown dormant once again. The lava still simmering, yet no longer threatening to spill over and destroy everything that had been so carefully cultivated for years. So Chan remained silent.
There was so much pain and finality in woojin’s voice. There was nothing left to discuss. He had made his choice. Had chosen himself above everyone else. There was no hiding the truth.
Woojin having lost the last of his energy turned around and began to walk away. He still needed to pack the rest of his belongings and say goodbye to the others. He knew that this was the end, but he couldn’t help but feel some relief that he was finally moving forward. For so long he had felt trapped, singing someone else’s truths, singing for someone else’s dreams, but not anymore. In addition, he didn’t want to hold back the rest of the group, like he had been. He wanted them to succeed as well, just not with him by their side. It was a difficult decision to make and he spent several hours for weeks dedicated to making the right choice for himself. At the end of the day, he was working for a large company and he knew he was replaceable. He saw it happen to so many trainees. Watched as some children (because they were children) starved, overworked, and destroyed themselves in order to fit into a mold that some old man had created out of greed and narcissism . Each one being kicked out as soon as they no longer served their purpose or no longer wanted to be obedient. He had left SM entertainment when they hadn’t given him want he wanted and he could leave JYP because they would not listen. And now here he was. Walking away from everything stable in search of the unknown. So he said his goodbyes and he walked out the door.
And that was the last Chris heard of the man. Woojin walked away and never looked back, leaving Chris to blame himself as another person walked out of his life. He was sorry that he couldn’t keep them all together, but he was right when he said that it was going to be up to him to clean up the fragments . Now he was the leader and the oldest. Now there was no more room for error. It was all up to him.