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Wooseok never understood why people get crucified for staying friends with their ex.
If it wasn’t a bad breakup, then there’s nothing wrong with staying friends with them. Wooseok was not a fan of cutting people off unless it was extremely necessary. He believed it was a waste to throw away friendship just because you can’t set past feelings aside. Maturity is learning how to forgive and move on, he thought.
But after dating and breaking up with Seungyoun, his first and only boyfriend thus far, he laughs at how ridiculously naive he used to think.
Breaking up with Seungyoun wasn’t that bad. Seungyoun just said “it’s not working anymore” and left him with unanswered questions of why he lost interest in their relationship. It happens, lots of people go through it. It hurts like a bitch, but he’ll eventually get over it. At least that’s what he said to convince himself.
But sticking to what he believes in was getting hard when he learned from Hangyul that Seungyoun started dating someone else a few months after they broke up. He lurked on his Instagram to check how he’s doing. It was only then he realized seeing Seungyoun happy with someone else fucking hurt. He considers for a brief moment if he’s into masochism. He thinks about why he puts up with the pain when it was easier to just block him.
Still, he didn’t think it was enough reason to cut him off. Their friendship with others could be put at stake. They were good friends before they dated after all. He valued Seungyoun as a friend above everything else.
Seungyoun promised to keep in touch, and he did. They started hanging out again with their other friends while keeping a safe distance between them. But the unanswered questions nag him and memories of his affection occupy his thoughts. He thinks about the time Seungyoun looked at him with hearts in his eyes, how his ears burned red whenever he called him his baby, and how smitten Seungyoun was when they spent time alone together. It felt so good to be loved by Seungyoun, to spend every moment with him as if nothing else mattered. Wooseok felt like his heart was torn apart when it all stopped because they had to go back to being just friends.
How was Wooseok supposed to pretend he’s fine being friends with Seungyoun when he knew how sweet he tastes and how warm it was in his arms?
But he was going to be okay, Wooseok thought. He had to be okay.
“You think Yohan and Hangyul are gonna move out of the city? Yohan said he always wanted to live by the sea.”
Wooseok stirs his coffee, deep in thought about their friend’s future. He and Seungyoun just finished running errands for Yohan and Hangyul’s wedding since the couple needed a hand with their preparations. They weren’t busy anyway, so they decided to help and catch up while they’re at it. It was kinda odd being alone with Seungyoun after a long time. Not that Wooseok hasn’t moved on, they just don’t hang out by themselves that often since they’re always in a group. It didn’t matter though, Wooseok was comfortable enough to be around Seungyoun again after a while.
“Maybe, if he gets Hangyul to agree. Isn’t it cute that they were roommates and now they’re gonna buy a house together?”
“Right? Yohan hated Hangyul’s mess now he has to live with him forever.” Wooseok snickers at the thought.
“Didn’t you also want a house by the sea?” Seungyoun casually brings up. “I remember you said it was your dream to wake up to the sound of waves instead of car horns.”
“You remember that?”
Wooseok is genuinely surprised to hear that from Seungyoun, earning him a laugh from the other.
“Of course I do. We used to talk about that a lot whenever you stayed over. You complained how noisy it was outside my apartment.”
In the short time they dated, Seungyoun was very sweet but he wasn’t exactly sentimental. He wasn’t big on presents and sometimes he’d forget special dates or details of Wooseok’s stories. Wooseok liked to think he was just forgetful. Or there wasn’t enough space in his brain to remember such trivial details. But it caught him off guard that he actually remembers things he used to tell him.
“Did you think I wasn’t listening?” Seungyoun put a hand to his chest, pretending to be offended.
Wooseok rolls his eyes at his dramatic response. “No no it’s not that…just felt like it wasn’t a memorable detail, I guess…”
“...or if the time we spent together was even memorable at all.” Wooseok tacks on after some hesitation.
“What?” Seungyoun’s eyebrows are knitted together, visibly confused. “Do you think I would easily forget? Or…do you think it wasn’t memorable?”
“No, of course it was memorable for me…I just always thought I was never the favorite person you dated. If I even counted, that is."
"What made you say that?"
"I don't think I had that much of an impact on you," Wooseok laughs bitterly. He looks down at the remaining coffee in his cup. It's gone cold. “You had a lot of things going on in your life when we were together. Living in a different city and all that. We just saw each other on weekends, too. I thought maybe the whole thing didn’t really take up space in your life.”
"You were my favorite though…” Wooseok adds thoughtfully, “but that's because you're the only one I've ever dated. Yet."
Seungyoun snorts at Wooseok's comment. "Of course you count, silly. I thought of you like a present that I was strictly told to wait until Christmas day to open, but I got ahead of myself and spoiled the surprise because I got too excited."
"I really liked you, I'm sure about that," Seungyoun continues, his eyes watching Wooseok's expression, "I just didn't know what to do with my feelings back then. I got too overwhelmed with everything, and I let it take control."
Wooseok nods, biting his inner cheek. He listens intently but does not spare Seungyoun a glance.
“Yeah I get that.” He chuckles dryly to fill the sudden awkward tension.
A year is a long time to spend with someone, Wooseok thinks. But it feels too short. There’s not enough time to linger in the feelings of adoration and the love that’s blooming. There’s also never enough time to prepare yourself when your lover tells you it doesn’t feel the same anymore.
Seungyoun reaches out to hold Wooseok's hand on the table. "You didn't deserve that, I'm sorry.”
“Seungyoun, stop. You already apologized.” Wooseok taps Seungyoun’s hands and retracts his own to wave him off, “We’ve gone through this already, we’re fine now, right? We’re fine now.” He repeats in affirmation. It was for himself, but Seungyoun didn’t have to know that.
“I think I owe you a proper apology, Wooseok. I’m sorry I kept you guessing. For not telling you my feelings changed. I knew I was a shitty boyfriend when I realized that I never even asked you out on a proper date.”
Wooseok laughs, the memory of Seungyoun making plans but never fulfilling them resurfaces. “Yeah no shit. Remember when you said we should go on a picnic date but it never happened?”
“God I know, I’m so sorry I talked a lot of shit.”
They laugh about their failed plans and talk about the things they wanted to do together when they were a bit younger. They talk about their past like real adults who respect each other’s feelings. It definitely feels lighter now that they can laugh about it after learning to let go of the weight of guilt and yearning of what they used to be.
Wooseok has long moved on from Seungyoun, he’s sure about that, but every now and then he feels a dull ache in his chest when the thought of what they could’ve been crosses his mind. It feels like a forgotten present on top of the shelf — tucked away to be kept safe but forgotten over time. The remnants of first love, innocence, and youth remain in a box collecting dust, filled with bittersweet memories that hurt to reminisce but are too precious to throw away.
“You know I was always afraid to kiss you.” Wooseok makes a candid remark, but a sincere one nonetheless.
“...why were you afraid?”
“I just thought you never liked me as much as I did.” Wooseok feels nervous crossing a treacherous territory. They’re comfortable enough to talk about their past relationship, but they never revisited any kind of intimacy after they broke up.
“I was too scared to face rejection if I tried to surprise you with a kiss. You weren’t the super affectionate type.” He laughs it off.
Seungyoun searches for an answer a few beats too long. He looks at Wooseok’s lips and remembers how warm and soft they were when he kissed him so gently. He suddenly misses their warmth. It’s tempting to kiss him when he’s right in front of him, but he didn’t. It would feel too much like a pity kiss, and that would be unfair to Wooseok. He didn’t deserve to be hurt again just to sate his selfishness, Seungyoun thought.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” Seungyoun swallows the lump in his throat. He feels choked up that Wooseok is openly sharing his vulnerability. It was something he never offered to Wooseok when they were dating, and he feels sorry for realizing it too late.
“If it means anything, I would’ve never rejected you if you tried to surprise me with a kiss. How could I? Do you know how fucking cute you are?” Seungyoun jokes in an attempt not to dampen the mood. “And hey, for the record, I did really like you…more than you think.”
“I loved you, even,” Seungyoun confesses.
Wooseok smiles wearily at Seungyoun. He feels his tears welling up. He doesn’t say anything, he just looks at him with sympathy. His voice would probably crack if he tried to speak.
The first time Wooseok said I love you then, Seungyoun didn’t say it back. He thought he made a mistake and might have scared him with his feelings. Seungyoun just gave him a hug in response. It’s okay, Wooseok thought, if Seungyoun wasn’t ready to say it, he could wait. But the next I love you’s were only met with a hug, a kiss, a text — never an I love you, too .
It was the first time Wooseok heard Seungyoun say it. He feels robbed that it came in the form of I loved you instead I love you. The dull ache in Wooseok’s chest swells after hearing the words he always waited for. It’s such a shame that it wasn’t the right moment anymore. It will probably never be an I love you anyway, Wooseok thinks. He takes a deep breath and blinks back the tears threatening to fall.
“Thanks for the reassurance,” Wooseok chokes out, “even if y’know, it’s like a few years too late.”
Seungyoun gives Wooseok a sad smile. Wooseok’s sarcasm stings, but he knows he doesn’t mean harm. He just wishes he could’ve made Wooseok feel more loved in the moments that mattered.
“I’m sorry, Wooseok, really.”
“Stop, you're making me feel like we’re breaking up again.”
Wooseok laughs and wipes the tears that have escaped, his windshield wiper laugh makes Seungyoun scrunch his nose in amusement and turn his eyes into crescents.
Feelings of yearning flood Seungyoun at that moment, guilt creeping up his chest for hurting Wooseok who was only doing his best to love. He knows how much Wooseok loved him. He regrets making Wooseok feel insecure when he deserved to be loved just as much. Seungyoun knows he can’t make it up to mend his feelings, but he still wants to try.
“How about we go on that picnic date I promised?”
“Wow, Cho Seungyoun finally stepping up to be the boyfriend he should’ve been 4 years ago?”
“Hey, I’m trying to make it up to you?” Seungyoun pretends to be offended. “No need for the attitude.”
“Fuck off your timing sucks, asshole. No wonder we broke up.”
Seungyoun laughs, awfully endeared by Wooseok’s teasing. “So we’re going on that picnic date?”
“Why? You’re not my boyfriend anymore.”
“Friends can go on dates too!!” Seungyoun pouts. “Unless you want to be boyfriends again for a day? For the full experience?”
“Shut the fuck up,” Wooseok playfully kicks Seungyoun under the table.
“But fine we can go on that picnic date,” he rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. “Just try not to fall in love with me after realizing what you’re missing out on.” He challenges Seungyoun just for the hell of it.
“Me?? YOU try not to fall in love with me, bitch. I’ll show you who’s boyfriend material now.”
Wooseok thought it felt strangely heartwarming to bicker with his ex and laugh about their relationship. Maybe this was the closure he was looking for after all these years. He wonders if Seungyoun feels the same. He pushes that thought to the back of his mind. Maybe they can talk about it some other day.