Work Text:
The warm glow of the sunset cascaded across the restaurant, three weeks before the start of the season and Lando had found himself in Greece. Only two days earlier he awoke to a text from Carlos - something he always loved to see flashing up on his phone screen. An invitation for one last escape away with him and his family leaving that evening - naturally Lando could not resist.
His heart lurched as he bustled around making sure he’d packed everything luckily he was used to always being last minute so the short turn around was more a familiarity than a hinderance. He loved the Sainz family, the way they’d welcomed him into their family with open arms was something he would never forget.
He was freshly showered, his skin showing some indication of being kissed by the sun. With Carlos to his left, Ana on his right they sat around the table, a meal before the season kicked off and moments of calm were a distant memory. Lovely.
Well, it should be lovely. The scales have turned, Lando feels off kilter. Like something is not quite right, something he can’t really put his finger on. He should be happy, but a feeling low in his stomach has distorted this.
Lando could feel himself fading into the background, he was acutely aware of how long it had been since he’d last spoken or made any kind of contribution to the conversation.
Despite this, he couldn’t compel himself to join in, to smile and laugh at the appropriate moments or ask questions about whatever fashion show Isa was sharing an anecdote about.
He levelled his gaze to the older woman, her honey blonde locks illuminated by the sunset behind her, her sun kissed skin glowing. Her expensive looking gold jewellery catching the light, putting his slightly tatty leather strap bracelet to shame. Lando had met countless gorgeous wealthy women during F1 but something about the elegance which exuded from her was almost too much to bare. It was intimidating.
He wondered if she was annoyed that Lando was with them right now, still managing to latch onto Carlos even during the minimal amount of time during the season reserved for family. She’d always been nothing but nice to Lando, allowing Carlos to invite him to tag along with them, even when her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes as they sat at a table for three.
The only solace to aid his bleeding heart was the bare ring finger on her left hand, no shiny diamond, no grand gesture. He wasn’t sure how he’d even react if Carlos even told him he was entertaining the notion of proposing to Isa.
Chastising himself he diverts his gaze from her, he needed to stop staring. He didn’t want Carlos to think he had a crush, that he was lusting after his girlfriend. But It was quite the opposite really, he only had eyes for the brunette sat next to him.
He takes a long cool sip of his glass of white, hiding the wince which can’t help but emit while swallowing the bitter liquid. If you wanted to play with the adults you needed to drink with them he thought to himself longing for a fizzy drink or vodka lemonade.
He felt like an imposter, he was twenty three but inside he was sure he was just a lovesick teenage boy cosplaying as an F1 driver and adult. He could feel the panic clawing at him, he was so out of place. He was being naive, feigning ignorance to the source of his anxieties, sitting with Carlos’ entire family he knows exactly why he feels this way. He just can’t allow himself to believe it, to acknowledge it.
He could feel Carlos’ doe eyes burning into the side of his face, but he couldn’t act. He was frozen in place, all he could focus on was the crashing waves of the sea in the distance. The burning in his throat was advancing, his eyes stinging, he knew the tears were coming. God he was pathetic.
The music, the laughter and chatter, the cutlery scraping was reaching a deafening crescendo. The noise was swallowing him whole. He could feel his palms beginning to clam up, his whole body reaching a blistering temperature.
Inserting himself into these situations was beginning to act like exposure therapy. Forcing himself to face his sadness head on, he couldn’t do it anymore. In one swift movement he pushes back, his chair screeching across the floor as he rises from the table. He refuses to catch anyones gaze, but he knows they're watching. Silence has now fallen across the table, as he marches out of the restaurant, hot tears streaming down his cheeks.
He’d never felt so stupid, he looked like a stroppy sullen teenager ignoring everyone and then storming out causing a scene. He knew better, he knew how to hide his emotions and paint a smile on his face, only being allowed to let it all out behind closed doors.
He was so familiar to jealously, it had morphed into such a normal emotion for Lando that its regularity began to rival feeling happy, or excited, or sad.
But this was different, he could swallow watching other drivers up on the podium, hell he could even swallow settling for second place in Monza. The top step for Daniel, another trophy for the cabinet when Lando was still watching, waiting.
But, this wasn’t the same, it would never be the same.
Lando wasn’t really sure when the emotion started to consume him but he’d never forget the catalyst that turned him into this green eyed monster.
The first race back after summer break and Lando had never been so excited to see another person, he could feel the butterflies low in his stomach as his scanned his pass making his way into the paddock.
It had only been a couple of weeks since they’d last spent time together, with Lando back in Surrey and Carlos going home to Madrid but he started to realise that he didn’t just enjoy the time he spent with the older man, he craved it.
Staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night he longed to be able to listen to the Spaniards throaty laugh or to play a game of FIFA with him, soaking up the time spent just the two of them in one of their hotel rooms. He found himself desperate to find an excuse to text him, a funny meme he’d scoured twitter for or even just a simple text asking how his break was going.
He had always taken satisfaction in being chronically unattached, happy to pick up and leave at any given moment. There were very few constants in his life, racing, travelling, exercise, but now Carlos had crept his way onto this list. He was down, and down bad.
His could feel the electricity pulsating through his limbs as he made his way to their motorhomes, Charlotte had let him know Carlos had already arrived and as he pushed open his drivers room door, he’d short circuited.
There he was, smooth tanned skin, the thickest dark head of hair he desperately wanted to run his fingers through, wide bright white smile. But he wasn’t alone, Isa was tucked next to the older man, his hand resting on her knee.
Lando had never met Isa, of course he’d stalked her instagram countless times, but seeing her in person in front of him was something else. It was real. Carlos wasn’t waiting for him with bated breath for them to have a catch up and play FIFA like Lando was. He was hers, Lando was simply a coworker.
Spinning on his heel and leaving the room, Lando ignored Carlos’ shouts after him, he needed to get out of there. His mind was filled with tv static, his vision blurred as he stumbled away. The electricity burning through his veins had stilled, dissipating to a deep ache in his chest and a desire to crawl under the covers in his hotel room and never resurface.
He was used to aches and pains, the wear and tear of motorsport but the affliction which seared through his chest that July afternoon had never quite left him.
His feet had carried him to the balcony, tucked away in the corner away from any prying eyes he props his arms on the railing. The sun was slowly making its descent into the water, the cooler chill of the night beginning to take over, he was beginning to breathe again.
Leaning his head back and closing his eyes, he thought about the future. As a rule he was terrified of the future, of becoming a washed up F1 driver with very little prospects aside from motorsport but he began to visualise a different eventuality for him when he decided to give racing up.
He could see himself living in a hot climate, the feeling of the sun warming his bones all year round. No more dreary England, he could see himself living in Madrid. Waking up next to Carlos everyday, spending time with the Sainz family regularly. Having his family to visit from the UK and hosting them in their home.
He’d never believed in marriage, but something about having a shiny band on his finger was more desirable than lifting a world championship trophy. He wanted to go for long dog walks with his husband, maybe have a few little future racers of his own one day. The overwhelming mix of glee and terror when watching them whizz around a karting track, Carlos worried sick next to him being the precautious parent out of the two of them.
And then here comes the grief, the all consuming emotion washing over him. Grieving for the life he knew he’d never be able to have was the toughest pill he had ever had to swallow. Sharp and ripping its way down before settling low in his stomach like a led weight. It was a waking nightmare.
He knew he was being dramatic, of course he was. He was healthy, alive and that should be enough to thank your lucky stars for every morning especially in his career path. He’d roll his eyes at his friends when they’d been going after someone who didn’t like them back or having broken up with their partner, it wasn’t that deep. But now he gets it, the dull ache never leaving his chest.
He hears the patio door softly click behind him, gentle footsteps on the decking. He doesn’t need to avert his eyes from the beauty of the sea to know it's Carlos. He’d know Carlos anywhere. The older man settled next him, placing his arms next to Lando’s on the railing mirroring his action.
Their usual comfortable silence washes over them, they could go for hours just being, there wasn’t a need for words, for mindless small talk, not with them.
Idly drumming a pattern on the wooden beam in a futile attempt to calm his anxiety he feels a soft touch on his elbow. The older man’s hands much larger than his own, warm against his slightly cooler skin, a gentle caress against the skin of his upper arm.
There was something so domestic about this, like it was something that Carlos had done a million times before and would continue to do, part of their routine. He couldn’t imagine ever reaching out and touching Daniel or George or anyone other than Carlos like this, it was intimate. He felt unshielded, it was like the older man could see right into his brain for exactly what he needed in that given moment.
The Spaniard finally speaks “Ay, it’s ok Cabron, you’re ok” “You don’t understand” Lando whispers, refusing to look at the man next to him. “I think I do” Carlos replies easily, his voice neutral, normal. The cynical harsh laugh which bubbles from Lando’s throat in response is uncontrollable “Yeah ok mate. Look let’s leave it” he snaps. He can’t do this.
The silence falls over the two men again, the fairy lights on the patio turning on, the warm glow washing over the two of them. Steeling himself, Lando prepares to put on his best show, to feign that he doesn’t know what came over him. The bright smile painted on his lips once more when he’s interrupted.
“We’re not together anymore, you know. Me and Isa” Carlos admits, pausing for a second before continuing “We broke up a few weeks ago, I knew how much she loved my family, Ana wanted her to come”
Lando’s whole world stops. “Why?” Is all he can ask. He needs to know.
“My heart is elsewhere” Carlos replies, his grip never leaving Lando’s elbow. “I couldn’t take my mind off of you” he chuckles. “I’m sorry she was here, it was cruel. I should have said something but - I was going to wait“ he sighs.
The hand on his elbow slowly moves down Lando’s arm, the touch giving him goosebumps. He’d forgotten that feeling, the electricity surging through his veins. The strong arm wraps around his waist, pulling him close to the older man. Carlos slips his hand underneath Lando’s shirt, resting on his bare hip.
“Carlos, I - I don’t know what to say” the younger man chokes out, he can’t believe this is happening. Finally fucking happening. He wonders if he’s going to wake up and it was all a dream.
He dips his face close to Lando’s ear, his hot breath sending a jolt down his spine. His plump lips almost ghosting his neck “I love you” he breathes. “so much mi amor”.
Lando wasn’t sure when he started crying, but for the second time tonight tears streak their way down his cheeks. “I love you Carlos” he shudders out “ I’ve loved you for so long”
“I know love, I know” Carlos replies. “I’m sorry it took me so long” the older man whispers connecting his plush lips to the skin below the younger man’s ear.
For the first time in what felt like forever, his torment was over. They’d fallen in love around the world, but they made their plans looking out over the ocean.