Work Text:
Chakotay,
I was always convinced that our story would one day be one of great love. The kind of story people write books about. And you have to admit, it had a neat premise. The good girl goes off to capture the bad boy. The good boy reminds the bad girl of all that it means to be human. I have lost count of how many times you have kept me alive.
Now look at us. I am lost, somewhere among the stars, and you are looking ahead. And I think, deep down, it was meant to be this way from the very start. Without you, nothing keeps me grounded. And without me, nothing holds you back. All the happiness we have sacrificed.
Let me tell you a secret: our homecoming was a moment of pain for me. This moment that I had imagined for years disappointed me simply because you were not beside me. More precisely: not where I would have liked you to be. Because you, after so many years, finally started to take your own place. One that I had not chosen for you at all.
My therapist says I should write a letter to you. I tend to say she has no fucking clue. Well, maybe, just maybe, I am the one who is mistaken. I do not know if I am going to send that letter. I know you are starting a new life without Seven and without me and I admire you for it. The world out there seems to believe I am almighty, but really I cannot go back, nor forward, forever trapped in the pattern buffer of my life. My therapist says we will find our way out of it, but I am not sure how. Sometimes, on bad days, I wish, selfishly, that we were back in the Delta Quadrant, a hostile species right in front of us, and you, as always, by my side. Let me dream a little longer, will you?
There is nothing left at the moment that can keep me away from myself and I find that very hard to endure. Chakotay, I am fighting for myself, too, but above all, I am fighting for you. And I ask you, selfishly and against my better judgement, to love me one more time when I cannot. Carry me through the darkness one more time, fill my emptiness just one more time. And then I might finally be able to be brave for you, my strong, patient and wonderful man.
Can we do it one more time?
With love, and hope
Kathryn