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“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” Frank’s voice is kind, but firm enough that Eddie recognizes it as a request rather than an apology.
Eddie drops his arms like dead weight from the sides of the chair, his hands falling into his lap. The dreary gray of the room seems ironic considering the topic of this particular conversation.
“I’m in love.”
Frank laughs comfortingly. “Yes, I caught that part. I didn’t hear what you said after that, though.”
Eddie becomes acutely aware of the seconds ticking away on the clock, the click of the hands in perfect sync to the rapid beating of his own heart. He sucks in a deep breath. Until today, he has never spoken the words out loud and now, not only has Eddie said it once, but he has to repeat himself?
And, sure, he’s known about his feelings for a while, but there's a difference between knowing you’re in love and actually speaking it out into the universe. While he isn’t a superstitious man, there’s a small nagging in the back of his mind that wonders if this is tempting fate– if admitting it out loud is a verbal invitation for the universe to swoop in and ruin everything.
He lets out a shaky exhale, scrubbing his palms nervously against his thighs. “I’m in love … with Buck.”
Frank settles back in his wheelchair, crossing his arms over his chest, his face unreadable. They sit in silence for a moment, Eddie worriedly searching Frank’s face for any hint of judgment… or worse: pity.
Frank knows better than to ask Eddie how he’s feeling about this. He’s found that Eddie opens up best when he feels it’s his choice. So he decides to go with: “And do you think he feels the same?”
Eddie looks down at his lap, his hands now nervously curling and uncurling into little fists. He sits there, lips pulled into a tight line, as he contemplates the answer to the question that’s been plaguing his mind ever since he realized his feelings.
After a moment of silence, he finally admits: “I don’t know.”
The situation with Buck is… complicated… to say the least. That’s how he’s described it to Frank. Because before Eddie knew he had feelings for his best friend, hell, before he even realized he was gay, there was always something different about his relationship with Buck. Something indescribable and intangible.
The word “shy” has clearly never been in Evan Buckley’s vocabulary, and neither has “personal space” as Eddie had quickly come to learn after he joined the 118. What started with casually bumping into Eddie’s shoulder as they worked together on calls eventually developed into more intimate contact including, but certainly not limited to, resting his leg against Eddie’s under the table at every meal and routinely falling asleep with his head on Eddie’s shoulder— and even a few times in Eddie’s lap as well. It’s gotten to the point where it almost feels abnormal to not have Buck touching him in some way.
And that’s only accounting for how they are while at work.
It’s hard not to notice the way the others watch them, as if they’re studying two animals at the zoo. He sees every eyebrow raise from Bobby when Buck talks about their weekend plans together and Chimney has never been subtle with his insinuations of their frequent sleepovers, despite Buck and Eddie’s flustered protests that Buck always crashes on the couch. Hen, however, is the worst, because she’s the only one who really seems to notice. Eddie’s almost one hundred percent positive that she’s figured out his feelings.
--
As Eddie opens his front door after arriving home from the session, Frank’s question echoes in his head.
“And do you think he feels the same?”
It’s not often that Eddie is this unsure about something in his life.
For instance, sometimes Buck will look at Eddie with shining blue eyes and dimples prominent against a fond smile. It’s the kind of smile that blurs everything around him, leaving Eddie momentarily breathless and literally weak in the knees.
However, Eddie knows how naturally charming Buck is. He’s seen the way he interacts with people both on and off the job, and Eddie doesn’t want to be foolish enough to think that the way Buck looks at him is any different.
There’s also the fact that when they drink together at home, more often than not their conversations escalate past their usual banter– the alcohol blurring the lines between platonic and something more.
When they go out drinking, though, there have been times where Eddie’s had to watch helplessly as Buck turns his attention elsewhere, chatting someone up at the bar. The only silver lining is that those conversations never seem to result in Buck getting a date (Eddie is both thankful and confused by that).
So, yeah, everything that could point to his feelings being reciprocated could also be easily explained away by the simple fact that that’s just how Buck is.
But then… then there are the moments where it’s just the two of them in the quiet hours of a night off. With nothing but the flash of colors from the tv illuminating the room, Buck’s fingers sometimes find their way to gently dance across the back of Eddie’s hand that rests between them on the couch, almost as if asking for an invitation to hold it. Eddie always wonders if he imagines it, though, because before he can react, Buck pulls away every time as if it never happened.
Like he said: the situation with Buck is complicated.
Eddie sighs to himself as he locks the door behind him. As he’s kicking off his shoes and throwing his keys down, he’s startled by someone coming around the kitchen corner.
“How was Frank?”
Eddie snaps his head up and sees Buck leaning lazily against the kitchen door frame.
He pauses in a moment of confusion. “I didn’t see your Jeep.”
Eddie doesn’t even think to question why Buck is here. Buck never needs a reason to be here, Eddie made that very clear when he had given him his own key.
Buck pushes off against the door frame and walks into the living room. He plops down on the couch, left arm stretched over the back as if it's an invitation for Eddie to take over that space. And fuck if Eddie’s heart doesn’t swell thinking about how comfortable Buck is in his home.
“I ubered here. I was at a bar,” he says, tilting his head to lean on the back of the couch to look up at Eddie. “Had some drinks, then I started missing you and wanted to see you.”
Eddie’s heart skips a beat and he curses himself for how Buck casually dropping that he missed him makes his entire insides melt.
“Well, since you’re already drunk,” Eddie says as he walks into the kitchen. He opens his fridge and grabs two beers. For a moment, he considers grabbing three just because he’s still processing his therapy session and definitely feels like he could down two right now.
When Eddie returns to the living room, he sees that Buck hasn’t moved his arm from the back of the couch. He debates sitting down in that space so Buck’s arm would be wrapped around his shoulders, but decides against it.
“M’not drunk,” Buck murmurs as Eddie sits down on the other side of the couch.
“Okay, well, since you’re already tipsy then,” he corrects with a soft laugh. “I’d be a little worried if you’re drunk at,” he pauses to turn his head and look at his watch, “one-thirty in the afternoon.”
He then passes a beer over and tries to ignore the butterflies taking flight in his stomach when Buck meets his hand in the middle, their fingers grazing each other.
Buck pouts back at him. “Contrary to what everyone believes, I do have self control sometimes,” he teases before taking a sip. Eddie rolls his eyes.
“So how was the bar?” he asks, wanting to distract Buck from inevitably asking about his therapy session. Eddie’s been getting used to opening up about therapy, but this is one session that he definitely won’t be discussing.
“It was fine.” Buck shrugs and takes another sip of his beer, so Eddie does as well. The chill of his first sip is a temporary relief for the warmth radiating in him that never seems to go away when he’s around Buck. Which is to say that, basically, it never goes away.
The couch cushions shift a bit as Buck moves both hands to his lap and adjusts his position so he’s sitting up straighter. He starts to pick at the label on the bottle, his face scrunched up in concentration. It’s one of Buck’s many nervous tells, and Eddie knows that there’s something more to what he wants to say.
After what feels like an agonizing amount of waiting–but really is the equivalent of the time it takes for Buck to swallow another sip– he finally speaks up again, “There’s actually, uh, something I want to talk to you about.”
And those are probably the last words anyone wants to hear, as almost nothing good ever follows. Especially not for Eddie.
His mind immediately starts racing to worst case scenarios: Buck’s quitting. Buck’s moving. Buck’s-
“I think I’m ready to start dating.”
And, oh. That’s definitely high up there as far as worst case scenarios go.
The sudden change in the atmosphere is palpable as something swirls in Eddie’s stomach, but it’s not butterflies this time. Eddie recognizes it as the feeling he gets right before he starts to panic – or cry – and neither of those are particularly acceptable reactions right now so he tries his best to swallow the feeling down.
When Eddie still hasn’t said anything, Buck lifts his head to look at him. Eddie meets his gaze and there’s an indecipherable expression in Buck’s eyes. Worried that Buck’s immediately seeing right through him, Eddie moves his attention to look over Buck’s shoulder at the hallway behind him before taking a long chug of his beer, downing the rest of it in one go.
Fixating his eyes on the hallway, Eddie repeats: “You want to start dating.” It’s not a question. It’s flat, emotionless—just as Eddie’s prepared for when it comes to conversations like this.
Buck nods in the corner of Eddie’s vision. “Yeah, the, uh, whole dying thing sort of gave me a lot to think about, you know? Especially about what I want and with…with who. And I realized that I’ve been afraid, I guess? Of taking a chance on what I actually want instead of, you know, always settling for the safe option but I think—I think I’m finally ready now.”
Eddie detects a slight slurring to his voice and wonders if thinking about the lightning strike is what prompted Buck’s midday drinking session. Typically, Buck doesn’t even like going out drinking alone, but Eddie understands that he’s been struggling since ‘the whole dying thing’ as Buck so eloquently put it.
Or, maybe he wasn’t alone and that’s why he’s telling Eddie this now. It’s a heads up– the warm up punch before taking on twelve rounds in the ring.
“That’s…” Eddie starts, trailing off with a sigh as he struggles to find the right words. “If you think you’ll be happy, then I’m happy for you.”
And he does want Buck to be happy– really, he does– but the problem (well, one of the problems) with Buck dating again is that Eddie doesn’t want to lose any part of their relationship. He knows that if Buck gets into something serious then they won’t spend as much time together, their conversations relegated to texts in between busy schedules. But here Eddie is, encouraging Buck to go out and find someone who isn’t him.
Eddie feels like a masochist, truly. He recalls a session a few months ago where Frank had actually commented on this particular tendency of his:
“You seem to repeatedly put yourself into situations where you know you will be unhappy. Why?”
“I guess since I had to take on so much responsibility as a kid, I learned it was more important to put everyone’s needs above my own. I just never really thought that I was allowed to want things for myself.”
“And when do you think that it’ll finally be time to allow yourself to want something?”
Eddie chances a look at Buck only to find that he’s already staring at him, eyebrows slightly furrowed. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, feeling as if he’s being studied with the way Buck’s watching him.
“You’re… happy for me?” Buck drawls his question out slowly, sounding confused.
“Of course I’m happy for you.” Eddie flashes Buck his best attempt at a fake smile, but he can feel how unconvincing it is. Needing to get out from under Buck’s scrutinizing gaze, he stands up and excuses himself with a: “Let me grab another beer, hold on a sec.”
Once he’s in the kitchen out of view, Eddie immediately drops the smile and takes a moment to lean his forehead against the fridge door. He takes a deep breath before pulling away and opening the fridge, grabbing himself another beer.
When the door closes, Eddie jumps as he turns to see Buck standing at the entrance to the kitchen. For someone Buck’s size, he can move around pretty quietly if he wants to. He and Chris have practically made a game of it to see how many times Buck can scare Eddie, and it always sends Chris into a fit of laughter whenever he succeeds.
“You know I don’t like when you sneak up on me like that,” Eddie reminds him softly and Buck gives him a small smile and a shrug as if to say sorry.
He’s sporting three day old scruff, and his hair that he’s finally letting grow out a bit has formed little baby curls. In this soft, slightly disheveled state, he honestly looks so beautiful that Eddie almost forgets what Buck just told him.
Almost.
“So…” Eddie trails off as he opens the beer.
Buck rocks back and forth on his feet. “So…” And Eddie is about to suggest they go back into the living room when Buck blurts out: “Why did you say you’re happy for me?”
Eddie pauses for a second, momentarily taken aback by the suddenness of the question before answering truthfully, “Because you deserve to find someone who makes you happy.”
An unspoken “Even if it's not me” rests heavily on the tip of his tongue.
Buck studies him again, briefly this time, before taking a hesitant step towards Eddie, gently backing him up against the counter. They don’t break eye contact, even as Eddie feels the weight of Buck’s hand on his hip as the other takes his beer, placing it on the counter to the side. With their only obstacle out of the way, Buck takes his free hand and brings it up to gently cup Eddie’s jaw.
“Eddie…” Buck breathes out, his warm breath fanning across Eddie’s lips. And there’s something in the way he says his name– desperate, pleading…
Swallowing nervously, Eddie allows his gaze to drop from Buck’s eyes to his lips and he hears Buck’s breath hitch softly in his throat. And, god, Eddie wants him.
He wants. He wants. He wants. He-
Eddie’s mind snaps back into focus as he finally takes in what’s happening...what’s about to happen. But that’s when it hits him:
Buck’s been drinking.
He’s been drinking, and Eddie knows Buck well enough to realize that if they do this now, it’s not going to mean the same thing to them.
And Eddie’s wanted Buck more than anything, but he wants it to be real–needs it to be real. And this? This isn’t real. This is a drunken lapse of judgment where Eddie is just a distraction, a placeholder for the real thing.
Fuck.
He looks back up to meet Buck’s gaze and before Buck can close the short distance between them to kiss him, Eddie whispers: “I can’t.”
Buck slowly blinks a few times before it settles in what Eddie’s just said. He takes a few steps back and Eddie watches as a mixture of emotions flashes across his face. Surprise. Sadness. Confusion.
He instantly wants to take it back, to apologize, something, and opens his mouth to do just that but Buck holds up a hand to stop him.
“Why?”
“Why?” Eddie asks, eyebrows raised. He wasn’t quite sure what reaction he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. “Buck, you’ve been drinking and I don’t… You don’t want to do this. Not really.”
“You think I don’t want—” Buck lets out a choked laugh as he looks at Eddie in total disbelief. “Shit, Eds, you really haven’t figured it out by now?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Eddie, I have been in love with you since the day that I met you.” And Buck says it so matter-of-fact, so intensely sure of himself, that each word pierces the air between them before settling deep into Eddie’s chest.
And Eddie… well…
Eddie feels as if someone has just punched all the air from his lungs. “What?”
Buck groans softly and scrubs a hand down his face before looking at him. “I love you, okay? I love you and I- I was finally trying to ask you out but—fuck, I just fucked everything up with us, didn’t I?”
An involuntary laugh escapes Eddie’s lips as the sheer irony of the situation dawns on him. “You were trying to ask me out?”
“Yeah, I was trying to! But you thought I was talking about dating other people for some reason?”
“So you tried to kiss me.” It’s not an accusation or a question. It’s Eddie fully digesting everything that’s happened in the absolute whiplash of the last few minutes.
Buck brings a hand up to rub nervously at the back of his neck. “I mean, yes and no? I was just trying to make it a little more obvious that I was talking about you, but then it kinda seemed like you wanted to kiss me,” he explains. “But I guess I misread the situation and I, uh, may have also been totally misreading these last few years.”
As if working on instinct, Eddie’s legs carry him to close the gap between them, enveloping Buck in a tight hug. It’s something they’ve done a thousand times before, but he’s never been more relieved than when he feels Buck’s arms wrapping around him too. It feels almost hesitant, but Eddie will take it.
“No, you were right,” Eddie whispers into the familiar crook of Buck’s neck. “I just– I was worried that it wouldn’t mean anything to you, that’s why I stopped it.”
There’s a beat of silence, then:
“Wait, really?” Buck’s hands slide from Eddie’s back to rest on his waist as he steps backwards out of the hug.
Eddie nods, the butterflies in his stomach swarming like crazy. Under his shirt, his skin burns at the touch.
He lets out a soft laugh as his fingers play with the fabric of Eddie’s shirt. “You know, Maddie warned me that drinking before coming to see you would be a bad idea.”
Eddie tilts his head to the side, a curious smile on his face. “I thought you came here because you missed me while you were already out?”
Buck tucks a hand under Eddie’s chin. “I did miss you. I always miss you.” He then brings his thumb up to slowly brush across Eddie’s lower lip before clarifying: “But I also may have been planning to ask you out for a few weeks now, and just got nervous on the way so…”
Eddie turns his head slightly to press a quick kiss to the thumb that’s resting at the corner of his mouth. With his lips ghosting against Buck’s skin, he murmurs, “Well my answer is yes, by the way.”
--
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, because you always look good, but you’re definitely looking a lot better now.”
It’s just after dinner, and Buck is freshly showered, napped, fed, and sobered up. The faint sound of the tv drifts in from the living room and Eddie’s putting the last dish from the table into the sink when he feels a warm body press up against his back, arms wrapping around his waist. His mind instantly flashes back to just a few hours ago when he and Buck were essentially in this same position.
“I feel a lot better, too,” Buck hums into his ear. “M’sorry again about earlier. I didn’t realize it would turn into such a mess.”
Eddie smiles and leans his head back slightly to rest on Buck’s shoulder. “Lucky for you, I have some experience dealing with drunk Buck.”
“Tipsy,” Buck corrects, even though they both know that he had been toeing the fine line between the two.
A few seconds later, he drops his hands slightly to Eddie’s hips. “You know,” Buck says softly, turning Eddie around so they’re facing each other. “I never did get to kiss you earlier.”
After Buck had chaotically, but finally, asked Eddie out, Eddie still wasn’t keen on having their first kiss with Buck being in the state he was in. He had suggested that Buck shower and then rest a bit first. It was probably the right call seeing as Buck had passed out almost as soon as he crawled into Eddie’s bed and hadn’t woken up until not long after Chris was dropped off after science club at school.
When he had emerged from Eddie’s bedroom, hair still slightly damp from the shower and wearing one of Eddie’s t-shirts and a pair of his sweats, the only thing stopping Eddie from pushing him against the wall and kissing him right then and there was an excited: “Buck! Want to help me with my homework?”
But now Chris is happily distracted, taking full advantage of his allotted one hour of tv time.
And Buck and Eddie are left alone in the kitchen– the electric thrum of anticipation filling the air around them.
Eddie’s whole body warms to the touch when Buck brings his hands up to cup his face, thumb gently caressing his cheek. Eddie cranes his neck up slightly, not used to being the shorter one in a couple, and pauses just before reaching Buck’s lips.
“I love you,” Eddie whispers.
And finally, after years of dreaming about this moment, Eddie closes the space between them and captures Buck’s lips in between his own.
It starts off slow and hesitant, as with any first kiss, but then Eddie quickly eases into kissing Buck deeper, welcoming his tongue into his mouth as Buck’s hands drop back down to his hips. Eddie brings his hands up to the back of Buck’s head and threads his fingers into his hair, tugging lightly.
They break the kiss moments later– Chris is just in the next room, after all– and rest their foreheads against each other, breathing heavily.
And he knows it’s not the most ideal time to be focusing on anything else except the way Buck’s eyes shine as he whispers an “I love you, too,” but in the back of his mind, Eddie can’t help thinking about Frank’s question:
“And do you think he feels the same?”
Eddie finally has his answer.