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“Good work,” Lena’s silver bell voice chimed through the resonance. “Looks like th-”
Lena cut out and the resonance abruptly ended.
“This is Colonel Wenzel to all squad leaders. I’m taking over command. Mission complete: begin extraction. We have a small force of Legion moving to intercept your return route, reroute to point 122.”
With the last of the Legion taken out the Reginleif scuttled back to base, their white metallic exoskeletons covered in scratches and wounds. Although he continued to give orders Shin finished the rest of the mission on mental auto-pilot. If you don't say something now, you'll regret it when she's dead. His conversation with Vika played through his head over and over. As he exited his rig one of the repair crew stepped up to berate him, he hardly noticed them.
"What are you waiting for," Raiden said resting a hand on Shin's shoulder.
"..."
"For fuck’s sake man, stop pretending you aren't worried. It's not like you're fooling any of us," Raiden sighed. "Look, if you weren't so shaken up I would seriously punch you right now. I've got the debrief and the paperwork, we've got this. Get out of here."
Shin left the din of the hangar behind him, weaving his way through soldiers and support personnel. The hubbub of the base didn't end outside the hangar, he just stopped hearing anything. Winding through the corridors he descended down into the base's innards eventually coming to the med ward. Sitting in a small metal chair, Shiden's knees bounced up and down like an engine.
"Took you long enough," she looked up at him, all challenge and fight gone, replaced by worry and fear.
"..."
"Last I heard she was still breathing but unresponsive. Her brain waves are all over the place."
"What happened?"
"Para-RAID overuse." Shiden's lips pressed into a thin knife of a smile, her eyes cold and angry. "Stress for a certain someone has fucked her judgment."
"..." Shin said nothing. After all, what could he say? It was his fault, of course. Something he'd done or something he'd said had thrown her into this state. And now another person was going to leave him behind.No matter what he did, no matter how hard he fought. In the end, only the dead would accompany him. And those living who were foolish enough to stand at his side, well, they were just corpses still walking. They surrounded him, the faces of the dead, blood leaking from eyes and smiling mouths. Like a field of flowers in bloom they opened their mouths to call his name.
Shiiiiiiin, thank you. thank you reaper.
SMACK!
Shiden moved with the ferocity of a pouncing tiger, striking him squarely across the jaw with an open hand.
"..."
Her eyes were bullets piercing through him. With a mouth twisted in frustration and disgust she spat out, "Fuck you. You walked away from her once and left her hurt and injured. I did what I could, we all did. But only you can close those wounds you've so casually ripped open. She cares about you, she worries about you. And you have the fucking gall to just stand there and say nothing."
"I-I don't know what to do." he looked at her, eyes wild and desperate.
She stepped forward and shoved him into the wall with both hands; Shin offered no resistance. His body impacted into the hard cement wall sending pain jarring through his bones. In a second she was on him, like a lion over its kill.
"Everyone thinks you're so damn confident, but it's all an act. Isn't it? ‘I don't know what to do,’ what a pathetic excuse to do nothing. It makes me sick. You make me sick. Just because you don't know what to do doesn't mean you can pout and do nothing."
With that she pulled away to leave.
Shin, desperate not to hurt Lena again, reached out after her, "What do I do?"
Without looking back she said, "That's a question for her, isn't it lil reaper? Resonate with me when she wakes up so I can sleep." And with that she was gone.
Alone. There were doctors rushing back and forth as well as patients being brought in, but amidst the churning chaos he was alone. There were no clocks, time seemed frozen. Doctors rushed about, supplies were moved, everything was moving around him at a frantic pace, everyone here had a purpose except for him. Like a gargoyle of old he sat, a crumbling edifice of stone in a world that left him behind, and waited by the door.
A doctor finally exited the room. He sprang up with desperation wrought on his face. She was an older woman, her gray hair pulled back in a bun and a medical mask hung down around her neck. Her face was drenched in sweat, she took a long drink of water.
"Is Lena, I mean the colonel, is she alright?” He asked, then in a bare whisper. “Is she alive?"
The doctor glared up at him, "Have some faith in us Captain, she's unconscious but stable. You can see her now, although don't expect a response anytime soon. Her mind has undergone heavy stress, she may sleep for a while."
He stepped forward then stopped in the doorframe. Could he do this? Was it right for him to be here even when he would just bring her more pain? Hovering in the threshold the reaper, the herald who visited those who drew their last breath, stopped frozen in fear. What if it was his presence alone that brought death, like a plague clinging to him, shearing away all who stood too close? But then his greed and desire grew too great, you're allowed to wish for things , it was a curse she placed unknowingly upon herself. Allowing even death itself to wish. And so he wished for her and entered gently, closing the door behind him.
The room was small, white walls barren of anything but the slightest cracks. Dregs of artificial sunlight spilled out of the faux window so patients could pretend they weren't buried deep beneath the earth and snow.
How fitting, it's like a grave.
On silent feet he glided to her side, then stopped before he reached her and stood hovering just out of reach. She looked so small, so terribly fragile, wrapped in the white blankets and sheets her skin looked all the more pallid. She looked like snow and ice, and he feared that in touching her he would melt away that for which he yearned. Her right hand lay sprawled open face above the sheets, fingers splayed upwards like the legs of a dead beetle, always calling to him. He had already memorized its shape, the delicacy of each finger, the thinness of her wrist. And yet, he still stared at it. Afraid to let his eyes wander further up as they so often tried to.
Eventually Shin sat, first balanced on the front of the chair then slowly slipping backwards as time ran ever onwards. He stayed silent, worried any sudden sound or movement would disturb her; he became again a gargoyle built of stone.
Raiden checked in via Para-RAID and let him know everything was taken care of. Shiden called through as well, but when he told her to get some rest she just laughed and disconnected. Shin couldn't bring himself to look at her again, he could hear Lena's steady breathing and watched the screen that displayed her vitals. If death was to gaze on someone so near the edge it could tip the scales.
This is fear. Damn Vika, he's right though. No matter how much I cut myself off from wishing it still hurts to lose and I'm still scared of it.
A light knock at the door preceded a nurse who entered and wordlessly checked on Lena. She smiled at Shin and handed him a cup of coffee and a tray with a small meal. He ate it with mechanical efficiency not noticing the taste or texture, then stared down at the coffee, its steam curling up around him.
The murky blackness reflected back a distorted vision of his face, one he felt was far more accurate - painted in black, the god of death. Like him the coffee was out of place in the sterile white room: they were both dark, bitter, dirty things. Darkness in a room of white. Death in the house of life. He was, and always would be, a blemish in her perfect world, a patch of rot and decay in a field of endless flowers.
Closing his eyes, Shin opened his mind to the screams of the ghostly dead. The Legion wept and begged for death, echoing through his mind as an ever present reminder of what he was.
"S-Shin..." her voice was faint, barely a whisper.
The ringing of silver bells pulled him back, it pulled him to her and without realizing it he was there kneeling by her side. He looked at her and found her silver eyes staring up at him, a weak smile splayed across her face. She reached for him and he took her hand in his, it was so cold.
"How are you feeling?"
She paused and knit her brows in concentration, her eyes seemed to unfocus and stare at something far away. "Tired, fine I think. It's um, well it's hard to think."
His mouth drew into a tight line. "Well, you did overstrain yourself with the Para-RAID."
"Ah! The mission! I’m sorry, I lost control while it was ongoing. I-I failed," tears welled up and began to stream down her face. She began to slowly curl into herself pulling her hand away from him. "I'm too weak, I'm still too weak."
For a moment he froze, unsure what to do but knowing he needed to do something. Despite his best efforts he made her cry again, maybe Shiden should have been here. Surely she would know what to do. But he was the only one by her side and he could hardly wait for someone else, he couldn't stand to see her like this for that long.
Hesitantly he reached out towards the ball of blankets and sheets she sought to cocoon herself in. "Lena, it went fine, nothing happened. We were on our way back when we lost contact with you, Grethe took over and we all made it back."
That only seemed to make her cry harder, the white cocoon shook as she wept. What could he do? What should he do?
"Lena, w-what's wrong," his voice cracked with worry, "I don't know what's wrong, I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need. Please, please just tell me what's wrong."
Please don't leave me.
Her voice was so weak, if it wasn't for the silence of the room he wouldn't have been able to hear it. "I failed you, I failed you again." A pause and then, "I failed to be useful. I'm scared because you don't need me anymore. If I'm not useful I'll be left behind again."
Ah. He understood, if there was anyone who understood the fear of people leaving one behind it was him.
"But I promised, didn't I? I promised never to leave you behind. I said it before and I will say it again and again, as many times as you need. I will always come back to you. Always, Lena. So please don't leave me, don't pull away from me."
Please stay by my side.
Lena wiped the last of her tears away. With shaky gasps she desperately drew in breath. Slowly she emerged from her mess of a cocoon and stared up into his beautiful blood red eyes. He'd saved her again. Every time it felt like too much, like she would shatter under the weight of the world, he was there.
Shin reached out to her and she gave him her hand, he held hers tenderly with both of his. He's always so warm. He gently rubbed circles into the back of her hand. A smile crept back onto his face as the tension in his shoulders melted away. All she could do was stare at him.
"I could never see you as weak Lena," his voice was like a summer breeze. "Getting hurt isn't weakness, it's just part of war. Weakness is giving up, weakness is hiding and as long as I've known you you've never hidden."
"But if I stop being useful to you..."
His eyebrows furrowed., "What is this talk of usefulness? Do you see yourself as a tool, Lena? Just something for me to use, just a weapon that gets discarded when it's beyond repair? Please don't think of yourself like that; besides, if anyone is a weapon here it's me." He looked away and mumbled, "If anyone would get replaced it's me."
Lena felt his hands go limp, almost as if they were trying to slip away from hers. "Shin, you aren't replaceable."
His eyes flitted back to hers, and with a mischievous smile he said, "Then don't try to tell me you are."
A well laid trap, and she'd fallen right in.
Still holding her hand with his left, he reached up to his throat with his right and tapped his Para-RAID, "She's all good, Shiden." Lena couldn’t hear what Shiden said back but from his frown she could tell it wasn't polite. "Fuck off," he replied, and broke the connection.
Someone knocked on the door and Shin began to reflexively pull back, but Lena couldn’t bring herself to release his hand. He smiled, his slim barely visible smile, and stayed next to her. A doctor she'd never met before entered.
"Hello again captain, I saw a change to her vitals. I'm just here for a quick check." The doctor paused, seeing Lena's open eyes. "Colonel, you're awake. How are you feeling?"
"Tired, my mind feels sluggish. It felt worse when I woke up but talking to Sh... to Captain Nouzen has helped, I think."
"That's good to hear. Everything looks good, you just need some rest. Captain, if you wouldn't mind could you escort the colonel back to her room once she feels up to walking? Just update us if anything changes, Colonel."
"I will, thank you doctor."
With that the doctor left, closing the door behind her.
Lena sighed, realizing her face was still a mess. She wiped her face with a corner of the sheet.
"You don't need to stay, Shin, I'll lay here a little longer then head to my room."
"..." he tilted his head, his brows furrowed.
"Really I'm fine, there's no need to worry about me. I know you must have paperwork to get to, I know I will tomorrow."
"Raiden handled mine and Colonel Wenzel did yours. Do you really think I'd leave you? Didn't you hear the doctor's orders? You know how seriously I take the bureaucracy, colonel."
She laughed, "Not a single form left undone." She couldn't stop laughing.
"Never." he joined her.The two laughed until Lena had to pause and focus on breathing, which just made Shin laugh harder.
“Alright, I think I can manage walking if you support me.”
“Well then,” he extended a hand, “Colonel, may I escort you to your rooms?”
“You may.”
Lightheaded as she was, with Shin to lean into, she stood. The two made their way through the underground corridors, Lena leaning heavily into him. He's so warm, it's hard for her to focus on anything else. Passing soldiers snapped to attention and saluted, passing Eighty Six forgo the salute choosing to instead throw knowing looks Shin’s way.