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TUE, 22
THERAPIST SUGGESTED I START JOURNALING ON A DAILY BASIS. HERE GOES.
WED, 23
I ATE OATMEAL AND FED ROBERT. EILEEN TOLD ME I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF OATMEAL ON THE CORNER OF MY MOUTH. SHE DIDN'T BOTHER WIPING IT OFF HERSELF.
THU, 24
SAT IN THE PARK AFTER LUNCH. THERE WAS A LARGE GROUP OF PRESCHOOLERS ROAMING AROUND, ON A FIELD TRIP I THINK. ONE OF THE KIDS SAT NEXT TO ME AND ATE HIS LUNCH OUT OF A PAPER BAG. HE ASKED ABOUT THE CAMERA I HAD HANGING FROM MY NECK. I TOLD HIM I WAS TAKING PICTURES FOR THE NEWS. HE MENTIONED HOW HIS MOM NEVER LET HIM PLAY WITH HER CAMERA. I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO LOAD A CAMERA WITH FILM. HE ASKED ME TO TAKE A PICTURE OF A WORM ON THE GROUND. I PROMISED HIM I'D HAND HIM THE PHOTO ONCE IT DEVELOPED, AND HE LEFT ME WITH HIS EMPTY JUICEBOX AS A PARTING GIFT. I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN.
FRI, 25
THE CHECK CAME IN FROM LAST WEEK'S PAPER. NOT MUCH, BUT ENOUGH FOR RABBIT FEED AND FILM. EILEEN IS OUT FOR THE DAY, SAID SHE HAD A FEW "IMPORTANT MATTERS" TO ATTEND TO. I DUSTED THE TOP OF THE DRESSER AND REARRANGED MY PHOTOS.
SAT, 26
EILEEN IS HOME ALL DAY TODAY. SHE SPENT MOST OF THE DAY IN THE BATHROOM FOR REASONS I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING TODAY.
SUN, 27
IN THE MORNING EILEEN TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO TALK. SHE ASKED ME WHY MY BODY FEELS COLD WHEN WE FUCK. I TOLD HER I DIDN'T KNOW. SHE ASKED ME WHY I STARE AT THE WALL WHEN WE FUCK. I TOLD HER I DIDN'T KNOW. SHE ASKED ME WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK RENT IS DUE. THAT I DID KNOW.
MON, 28
IT RAINED HARD TODAY. I LIKE THE WAY IT SMELLS.
TUE, 1
ROBERT WOKE ME UP THIS MORNING BY THE SMELL OF HIS PISS. HE HAD SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET OUT OF HIS CAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. I WIPED IT UP AND TOLD HIM IT'S OKAY. I WONDER HOW HE FEELS ABOUT EVERYTHING. RABBITS DON'T PAY TAXES, AT LEAST I DON'T THINK.
WED, 2
I WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP WITH EILEEN. SHE TOLD ME THAT I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERYDAY. DO I? I DON'T THINK I DO.
THU, 3
TODAY EILEEN TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO LEAVE ME. I DIDN'T QUESTION IT. SHE TOOK ROBERT, AND I SAID GOODBYE. SOME OF HER CLOTHES ARE STILL HERE. THE SCENT DOESN'T SPUR ANY REACTION FROM ME. I THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN WE FIRST MET. I DIDN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT WHEN WE FIRST MET.
FRI, 4
I HAD CHOCOLATE MILK FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS TODAY. I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHY KIDS LOVE THIS STUFF SO MUCH. IT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
SAT, 5
I'VE BEEN MISSING ROBERT A LOT. I WONDER WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT THE CHANGE OF SCENERY. I WONDER IF SHE TAKES BETTER CARE OF HIM THAN I DID. I WONDER IF HE WAS HAPPIER BEING WITH HIS MOTHER, WITH ME, WITH EILEEN, OR WITH THE WORLD.
SUN, 6
EILEEN CAME BACK TO PICK UP SOME STUFF SHE LEFT TODAY. SHE REASSURED ME THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I KNEW THAT IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I THINK IT'S VERY SILLY FOR ANYBODY TO PIN ANYTHING AS BEING "SOMEONE'S FAULT." I STILL THINK SHE IS A KIND PERSON, AND I THINK SHE THINKS THAT WAY ABOUT ME TOO.
MON, 7
I HAVEN'T USED MY CAMERA FOR A LITTLE WHILE NOW. MAYBE THAT CAMERA FEELS A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE OF THAT. I THINK TOMORROW I'LL TAKE SOME PICTURES FOR ITS SAKE.
TUE, 8
I TOOK SOME PICTURES OF A BAR I USED TO FREQUENT. I WANTED TO GO IN BUT STOPPED MYSELF. I'M NOT COMPLETELY SURE WHY. A MAN OUTSIDE ASKED ME FOR A LIGHT AND I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T HAVE A LIGHTER ON ME. HE TOLD ME THAT HE'LL FIND SOMEONE. I GAVE HIM A THUMBS UP AND WALKED TO THE STATION.
WED, 9
THERE ARE A STRANGE AMOUNT OF FLIES IN THE APARTMENT AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. I SEARCHED EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY FOR ANY SORT OF SMELLY GARBAGE AND I CAME UP SHORT. WE HAVEN'T LIVED HERE THAT LONG, HAVE WE? I MEAN I.
THU, 10
I WENT BACK TO THE BAR TODAY. I CLENCHED MY BODY REALLY HARD AS I PUSHED THE DOOR OPEN. I PISSED MYSELF A LITTLE BIT. I SAT IN A STOOL AND ASKED THE BARTENDER FOR SOMETHING LIGHT. I FELT LIKE EVERYONE WAS WATCHING ME. I ALSO FELT LIKE I WAS INVISIBLE. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ANYONE. I WATCHED A GROUP OF WOMEN PLAYING BILLIARDS. ONE OF THE WOMEN HAD ON A SHIRT THAT SAID "ONE IN A MILLION." I SAT SILENTLY AND WATCHED THEIR MANNERISMS. THERE WAS A LEVEL OF CONFIDENCE AND APPRECIATION FOR THE SPACE AROUND THEM TO THE WAY THAT THESE WOMEN MOVED. EVENTUALLY ONE OF THE WOMEN CAME UP TO ME. I FROZE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY. SHE ASKED IF I COULD WATCH HER DRINK WHILE SHE WENT TO TAKE A LEAK. I HESITATED FOR A MOMENT, AND SAID SURE. I COULDN'T TELL EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DRINKING, I'M NOT REALLY FAMILIAR WITH ALCOHOL. SHE CAME BACK AND THANKED ME. I NODDED AND SAID "MHM."
FRI, 11
I WOKE UP AND REALLY WANTED TO GO BACK TO THAT BAR. THE TRAINS WERE DELAYED TODAY, SO I DECIDED TO TAKE SOME PHOTOS OF THE CITY TO KILL TIME. AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE ASKED IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM. I OBLIGED, AND WE EXCHANGED INFORMATION. I PROMISED THEM I'D HAND THEM THE PHOTO ONCE IT DEVELOPED. I BELIEVE THAT I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN. THIS TIME THE BAR WAS NEARLY COMPLETELY EMPTY. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ODD FOR A FRIDAY NIGHT. I HOPED TO SEE THE BILLIARDS-PLAYING WOMEN TOMORROW.
SAT, 12
I PASSED A DOG ON THE WAY TO THE STATION THIS AFTERNOON. HE LOOKED CONTENT, SWAYING FROM SIDE TO SIDE AND ENJOYING HIS WALK. I ASKED HIS OWNER IF I COULD PET HIM. HIS FUR WAS SO THICK AND SOFT IT REMINDED ME OF A BLANKET I HAD ONCE BOUGHT FOR EILEEN. I RELISHED IN THAT MOMENT. HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL DOG. WHEN I ARRIVED AT THE BAR, COPS HAD SWARMED THE PLACE. I DECIDED AGAINST GOING TO THE BAR. I THOUGHT MAYBE THIS WAS PUNISHMENT FOR MY HESITANCE TO EVER RETURN THERE. I IMMEDIATELY SQUASHED THAT THOUGHT AS STUPID.
SUN, 13
THERE WAS A FIRE ACROSS THE STREET TODAY. IN THE FEW MONTHS I'VE LIVED HERE I'VE NEVER WITNESSED ANYTHING LIKE THAT. IT WAS BIZARRE SEEING THE SMOKE BILLOW OUT LIKE THAT. I HOPED NO ONE GOT HURT.
MON, 14
I THOUGHT NOBODY WENT TO THE BAR ON A MONDAY. I'M GLAD I DID TODAY. A MAN SAT BY ME AS I ATE A PLATE OF FRENCH FRIES. HE SPARKED A CONVERSATION ABOUT SPORTS. I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT SPORTS, DESPITE PLAYING BASEBALL IN HIGHSCHOOL. I TOLD HIM THAT. HE SAID OKAY. HE TALKED ABOUT THE WEATHER. "IT'S AWFULLY CLOUDY LATELY, I KIND OF LIKE THAT." HE TOLD ME. I AGREED. HE OFFERED TO BUY ME A DRINK. I DECLINED, BUT HE INSISTED. I TOLD HIM TO ASK FOR SOMETHING LIGHT. THAT HE DID. WE TALKED FOR HOURS ABOUT VERY MUNDANE THINGS. I PAID ATTENTION TO HIS WORDS AS MUCH AS I PAID ATTENTION TO EVERY OTHER PART OF HIM. I COULD TELL HE TAKES EXCEPTIONAL CARE OF HIMSELF. I LIKED TODAY.
TUE, 15
THE GROUP OF WOMEN FROM THURSDAY WERE BACK AGAIN. THEY TALKED A LOT ABOUT THEIR JOBS. ONE WORKED AT A DOLLAR STORE. ANOTHER WORKED AT A LIBRARY. THEY TALKED ABOUT THEIR PARTNERS. THEY LOVED THEM. THEY SPOKE ABOUT THEM AS IF THEY WERE HYPNOTIZED. THEY WERE ALL VERY BEAUTIFUL. THE MAN FROM YESTERDAY WAS NOT AT THE BAR TODAY.
WED, 16
THIS MORNING I REALIZED I NEEDED A NEW TOOTHBRUSH. I WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND PICKED UP A PACK OF CHEAP WOODEN ONES. I WONDERED ABOUT THEIR ENVIRONMENTAL BENEFITS. I CONCEDED THAT I KNEW MUCH LESS ABOUT THE PLANET THAN I HAD PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT.
THU, 17
I DECIDED TO STOP BY THE PARK TODAY. IT WAS ODDLY EMPTY, WHICH I DIDN'T MIND ALL THAT MUCH. I TOOK A PHOTO OF A RABBIT. I THINK HE LIKED ME.
FRI, 18
UNLIKE LAST WEEK, THE BAR WAS BUSTLING. I ENJOYED THAT. THE MAN FROM MONDAY WAS BACK AGAIN. I ASKED HIS NAME. MARCUS. HE ASKED MINE. HENRY. I STARED AT HIS FINGERS INTENTLY. HIS CUTICLES WERE PERFECT. WE TALKED ABOUT THE DRUNKS IN THE CORNER OF THE BAR. WE TALKED ABOUT THE GUY WHO CAME IN EVERY DAY AT THE EXACT SAME TIME (4:00 PM) AND ORDERED A DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER WITH LIGHT LETTUCE. WE TALKED ABOUT THE WOMEN AT THE POOL TABLE. MARCUS SAID HE'D LIKE TO BE FRIENDS WITH ONE OF THEM ONE DAY. I AGREED. MARCUS OFFERED TO WALK ME HOME. ONCE AGAIN I DECLINED, AND ONCE AGAIN HE INSISTED. I WASN'T DRUNK, PARTICULARLY SCARED OF THE CITY, OR ONE TO GET LOST EASILY. IT WAS A NICE WALK. I OBSERVED THE LOUD CONVERSATIONS THAT CAME FROM EACH RESTAURANT WE PASSED UNTIL WE REACHED MY APARTMENT. I THANKED HIM PROFUSELY AND RESERVED MYSELF TO BED.
SAT, 19
MARCUS ASKED ME ABOUT MY LIFE. I TOLD HIM THERE'S NOTHING INTERESTING TO TELL. I TOLD HIM I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR DIDN'T MATTER MUCH AND THERE WAS NO REASON TO TELL HIM THE SPECIFICS. HE UNDERSTOOD. HE TOLD ME IT WAS OKAY. I WENT HOME EARLIER THAN USUAL.
SUN, 20
TODAY MARCUS SHOWED UP AT MY FRONT DOOR. HE ASKED IF HE COULD COME IN. HE APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR YESTERDAY. I TOLD HIM THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT. I TOLD HIM I SHOULD BE SORRY FOR MAKING IT SEEM LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING TO KNOW ABOUT ME. HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND SHOOK ME A LITTLE BIT. HE TOLD ME WE SHOULD GO FOR A WALK. I SAID OKAY. I FOUND MYSELF DRAWN TO HIS ARMS AND I WOULD FREQUENTLY TUG ON THEM. I'M NOT SURE WHY. HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND. WE EVENTUALLY STOPPED BY A BUSKER PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE. MARCUS GAVE THE BUSKER FIVE DOLLARS.
MON, 21
LAST NIGHT ME AND MARCUS WENT TO THE PIER. HE TOLD ME THAT AT A CERTAIN POINT I FELL TO MY KNEES, CLUTCHING MY CHEST. I HAD PASSED OUT. THE ONLY THING I REMEMBER WAS ALL OF THESE DISTANT MEMORIES FLASHING BY LIKE TRAINS AND BUSES EVENTUALLY OVERWHELMING MY SENSES UNTIL I COULD NO LONGER FEEL, SEE, OR HEAR ANYTHING. HE HAD TAKEN ME BACK TO THE APARTMENT. I WAS DRENCHED IN SWEAT. I NEVER TOLD HIM SPECIFICALLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I TOLD HIM THAT AFTER YOU GO THROUGH SOME SORT OF TRAUMATIC EVENT YOU'RE EXPECTED TO BE STRONGER OR SMARTER OR WHATEVER. I SAID IT NEVER FELT LIKE THAT. WAS MY SUFFERING NOT ENOUGH? DID I NOT FEEL ENOUGH? HOW INVOLVED SHOULD I HAVE BEEN? WHAT VARIABLES ARE THERE THAT DETERMINE THE VALUE OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I EVENTUALLY JUST BURIED MYSELF IN HIS CHEST AND CRIED. HIS CHEST HAIR WAS THICK AND SOFT LIKE THE BLANKET I HAD BOUGHT FOR EILEEN. HE TOLD ME THAT I HAD LEARNED ENOUGH, I HAD KNOWN ENOUGH. NOTHING LIKE THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN AGAIN. IT WAS OVER. I WAS AWAKE.
TUE, 22
THERE AREN'T ANY FLIES IN THE APARTMENT ANYMORE.