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Tej gazed out at the street below, which seemed to be echoing her mood. The winter light was grey, too early yet even for the cosy pools of light from streetlamps, and a few people hurried along, muffled against the flurries of snow on the wind. She wondered how many of them were secretly dreading the holiday, just like - well, everyone it seemed, in Vorkosigan House… Stop that, she told herself fiercely. You’re just projecting. Another year, another season, and she would be imagining everyone hurrying down the street was joyfully looking forward to celebrating with their families… Her heart sank again - families…
She turned with relief at the sound of a step outside the door, and felt her lips quirk into a genuine, if anxious, smile at the sight of Ivan Xav leaning on the doorframe. His answering smile was a bit tired and lopsided, but his eyes were warm.
“May I come in, milady?”
“Of course!” She moved across invitingly, making space on her window-seat perch, but Ivan Xav settled for leaning against the wall, though he rested one hand affectionately on her shoulder. She leaned back into his touch as they both gazed out the window at the falling snow. His deep sigh felt as though it started in his boots.
Tej slanted a glance up at his tired face. Tired and sad, she thought unhappily, neither of which were typical of Ivan Xav. “Did you - get a chance to talk to Miles?” she essayed, cautiously.
Ivan Xav sighed again, at least less deeply and with more exasperation. Better - or at least more typical of anything involving The Coz. “Well, I got him to go out for a walk round the gardens with Ekaterin, bless her. Maybe she’ll be able to... Not calm him down, because, well, Miles, but buck him up or something. Find his damn equilibrium, maybe, wherever that is.” Tej felt his hand tighten and reached up to stroke it soothingly. It relaxed, accompanied by another sigh. “God, it was easier when I could just take him drinking. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow. It’s - not like I blame the poor sod. But, tonight, he has got to hold it together - for Aunt Cordelia, at least.”
Tej nodded in emphatic agreement. Not for worlds would she risk a breach to the barriers Cordelia had erected around her grief - which Cordelia’s beloved firstborn might well achieve, however inadvertently. Particularly right now… She glanced up at Ivan Xav’s profile again, trying to find words of comfort. It’ll be over soon? Maybe not. “I think - people say that special dates are always particularly difficult. After losing someone.”
Ivan Xav let out a slow breath. “Yep.” Tej abruptly remembered how it had been on the date of Dada’s birthday, during those dreadful few months when she and Rish had been trapped on Komarr. They couldn’t even get drunk either, too wary of being impaired if now, this evening, was when the pursuit finally caught up with them. In the end, they’d stayed up and played cards until Tej passed out from sheer exhaustion. She’d called in sick to work the next day and Rish hadn’t said a word. She shuddered at the memory of that grey blankness, with the pain just waiting underneath to swallow you whole. Of course, for her it had all come untrue a few months later - she remembered how the joy of it had made her feel like she could fly...
Miles, who’d been Count Vorkosigan for less than a year, could hardly call in sick to the Winterfair Ball without raising a host of whispers. Nor would his sad story come untrue. However much it felt like he might, Count Aral Vorkosigan would not step back through the doors of his ancestral home to embrace his wife and sons. Nor will I receive a reprieve, next time. Tej chilled at the thought, picturing her beloved, vital Dada - who had always seemed three times more alive than anyone else she knew, during her childhood. She clutched her vision of him tightly and flung the thought out, across the wide spaces towards Jackson’s Whole: Oh, Dada, stay safe and well! May it be many years before I receive that message…
Her Dada had never met Count Aral. She was surprised at her stab of sadness at the thought. I think… They’d have appreciated each other. Two incredibly driving personalities - though she wasn’t too sure Dada would ever have understood Count Aral’s passion for service, be it military or political…
She was jolted from her reverie by Ivan Xav’s quiet voice. “I think it’s partly that Uncle Aral just loved Winterfair.” Tej looked up at her husband’s face and smiled encouragingly when she saw a faint smile playing round his mouth. Happier reminiscences, yes. “Not the balls or the ceremonies or all that, though he did that too - no-one could work a room like Uncle Aral, not even Miles…” Tej boggled faintly at the idea of someone being more devoted to politicking than The Coz - though she supposed she’d only met Count Aral in his later years, when he’d relaxed a bit. If you could call the viceroyalty of an entire planet relaxing.
Ivan Xav was still speaking softly. “Winterfair’s meant to be all about family, y’see - you all hunker down and eat together, and give presents, and play silly kids’ games. Uncle Aral… Uncle Aral was all about family. Maybe because he lost his mama so young, and Great-Uncle Piotr… Well, Great-Uncle Piotr was about family too, but it was all the family honour and duty - not so much being someone’s da.”
Tej tucked an arm comfortingly round Ivan Xav’s waist, in the quiet pause, and felt his fingers tangle in her curls. He’d never known his dada, after all. They both gazed out at the falling snow, then he went on slowly. “Uncle Aral, I think - no, I know - he loved being someone’s da. He liked kids. I think, in some alternate reality, he and Aunt Cordelia would’ve had a whole pack of them. Nothing he’d have liked better. One Winterfair, back when I was a titchy brat, he even dressed up as Father Frost, with the white beard and everything.” Tej smiled, hearing the half-laugh in her husband’s voice, even as she boggled again internally at the idea of the Regent of Barrayar, as Ivan Xav’s Uncle Aral would have been then, in fancy dress…
Ivan Xav went on as though he’d heard her thought. “Not in public, of course - just for Miles and Gregor and me. Aunt Cordelia had insisted that the morning after the ball be just family - I think she thought Gregor had had quite enough of the Imperium and should get to just be a kid for a bit… I guess he’d’ve been around nine, then… Anyway, we were all sitting there in the Residence, fidgeting because we wanted to open our presents - even Gregor - when Mamere said that we had a visitor, and Father Frost walks in.” Again, that hitch of laughter in his voice. “Just for one moment, I thought it was real - I mean, I was only five… I’ve never asked Gregor if he fell for it… Then Miles shouts out that it’s his da, because of course he does. Aunt Cordelia was mad at him for spoiling the surprise, but…”
Tej looked up as Ivan Xav’s voice trailed off into silence. He was still staring out the window, but she felt sure that he wasn’t seeing the falling snow anymore. He was seeing a firelit sitting room more than thirty years ago, and a man trying to make magic real for three little boys. He was still half-smiling, but his eyes glistened. He caught his breath and went on, almost fiercely, “But - I was thrilled to bits that it was Uncle Aral. Because that meant he’d done this for me. I mean, for all of us kids, but he never had much time at all for me… And after Miles yelled, he just coolly kept playing his part to the hilt. He had a present for each of us, and he took us each aside to talk about what we wanted for Winterfair…”
Ivan paused, and Tej felt again that he’d almost forgotten she was there. “Uncle Aral spent every lunchtime with Miles, when he was little, during the Regency - hell, he had to, or he’d never have seen him at all… When I think about never seeing little Padma… And he spent a lot of time with Gregor, too, obviously - and it wasn’t always about the Imperium… But…” Again, that little pause. “He never had much time for me. Even though I knew he and my da had been close. I always wondered… But that day he sat me on his lap and paid attention to me. He asked me what I wanted for Winterfair. That’s what Father Frost is meant to ask all the kiddies, but you know how Uncle Aral could bring this scary focus to anything - like it really mattered to him what your answer was. You couldn’t help but tell the truth.”
Tej thought of Count Aral, as she’d known him. Those penetrating eyes, even though the hair above them was white. That sense of barely leashed power when he walked into a room, even at the age of eighty. She pictured a small boy worshipping that thirty-years-younger man from afar, and shivered inside. Such a high bar… She reached up and re-entangled her fingers with Ivan Xav’s, still resting on her shoulder. “What did you say?”
“Oh, I’d already told everyone I wanted a model spaceship. Mamere thought it wasn’t educational enough. What I hadn’t said was that I wanted that particular spaceship because it was the class my da commanded. I’m not sure Mamere even knew. When I told Uncle Aral… He got this weird look in his eyes, then he hugged me. He was never much of a one for hugs, usually. He said that he was sure I’d be a great commanding officer one day, just like my da.”
Ivan Xav’s hand slipped off Tej’s shoulder and out of her grip, as she heard the shake in his voice. “It hardly mattered that he gave me the blasted spaceship after that - though he did, even if Mamere wasn’t pleased. The best present that Winterfair was that Uncle Aral thought I’d make a great commanding officer. He even…”
Tej slid off the window seat and pulled Ivan Xav back into her arms as he tried to turn away. He dropped his head onto her shoulder to muffle a sob. “He even came and watched me build the bloody thing - and said ‘good work, Ivan’ when I finished it, just as seriously as he would to Gregor or Miles.” Tej shut her eyes and held him tighter. The next words came out on another sob: “God, I just wish we’d had more time… I really thought - I really thought he might be proud of me, if I made something of my service. But I never got the chance to show him…”
“Oh, love.” Tej eased them back into the window-seat and rubbed Ivan Xav’s back soothingly, as though he was little Padma. She swore a silent oath that their small son would never, ever feel he was somehow less than his cousins or his siblings - or be afraid to cry. Ivan Xav almost never cried - once, when Padma was born - Barrayaran men just didn’t seem to. They’d all been white-faced and hollow-eyed at Count Aral’s funeral a year ago - Miles, and Gregor, and Ivan Xav - but there hadn’t been any tears. She was almost glad he was crying now, in front of her, if only to relieve the tension… Her pinwheeling mind caught on Ivan Xav’s last words: I never got the chance to show him…
She said softly, into his hair, “Ivan Xav - you do know that your Uncle Aral was proud of you? He told me so.”
She felt him go still in her arms. “What? When?”
“The last time we were back - before… Before. At Gregor’s birthday party.”
The Emperor’s Birthday was, along with Winterfair, one of Tej’s favourite Barrayaran occasions. She loved the fireworks, the pageantry… After all, an excuse to see Ivan Xav in his parade red-and-blues wasn’t to be sniffed at, and this might be her last opportunity, if he retired from the military service to join the diplomatic one next year. It was also an excellent opportunity to acquire a new dress.
She glanced down with a satisfied smile at her pale turquoise gown. The colour was carefully calculated to contrast nicely with her skin - being darker than many of the Vor ladies meant she could wear light colours without looking insipid - whilst also complementing Ivan Xav’s uniform. She felt sure many ladies down the ages had cursed the long-dead emperor who’d chosen such spectacularly bright colours for military dress, but she had no need to. Just to complete her pleasure, the beading on the hem and bodice sparkled delightfully when she danced. The dancing was something else she loved about the Emperor’s Birthday.
She half-wished Rish was here, both to admire her dress and to share her pleasure, but she had to admit that Rish would have found the dancing tame and been actively pained by some of the less-than-stellar couture choices of the ladies present. (Had the blonde lady really thought that particular shade of mauve suited her…?) Besides, it would hardly do for supposedly-disgraced Byerly to attend the Emperor’s Birthday, even if Impsec did feign to turn a blind eye when he occasionally visited Vorbarr Sultana.
The food and drink didn’t hurt either - anything at the palace was always so well catered. She collected a glass of champagne from a passing servitor with a smile and a murmured thank you, and smoothly avoided catching the eye of a young officer, who was gazing at her with undisguised admiration. She’d danced enough, just for the moment, and she didn’t want to make small talk with strangers, even politely admiring strangers. What she wanted was to watch this Barrayaran show with someone else who could appreciate it… Aha. The very person. She collected a second glass of champagne and strolled over to where the Viceroy of Sergyar, Count Aral Vorkosigan, was comfortably occupying a love-seat by the wall. The young officer, who had looked inclined to pursue her, sheared off nervously when he realised just who her intended companion was.
Count Aral smiled warmly at her as she approached. “Ah, Tej, my dear - has Ivan abandoned you? I thought the boy had more sense than that.” He gestured invitingly to the seat next to him.
She sat down and smiled back, noting the twinkle in his eye. “Not at all, sir - he’s just over there, talking to the ambassador from Earth, and I wanted to sit down for a bit. Would you like a glass of champagne?”
“I would, thank you.” He leaned back, taking a judicious sip, before turning that smile on her again, “And I am sure I’ve said before that you should call me Aral.”
She dimpled at him. “I’m sure you have - sir.” It might have become a family joke, but she still found it hard to progress beyond “Count Aral, sir”. Not to this man.
He shook his head in amusement. “Very well. Are you having a nice evening, my dear?”
“Oh, yes - it’s so lovely to be back.” She took in the scene before her, admiring the way the candles (candles! Barrayarans! she heard in Cordelia’s voice) seemed to make the colours richer somehow. “Ivan Xav and I had a lot of time to ourselves on Ylla, which was good - more than good, really relaxing - and this last posting on Escobar has been fun. I’ve loved having time with Amiri, and it’s exciting to explore high-tech planets.” She darted a glance at the Viceroy - Barrayarans could occasionally be touchy about comparisons with the rest of the galaxy - but, of course, the architect of Barrayar’s technological advancement merely tilted his head in acknowledgement.
“But I’ve missed all this - Barrayaran Vor culture, I guess. It feels - oddly like home, now.” She felt a little bubble of surprise at how true that was, and lightened the tone by adding, “I really missed the dancing. I do like parties - and your people do know how to throw a party, sir.”
That made him laugh. “Certainly not a typical galactic view of Barrayar - although maybe it would be better if it were.”
Most of what the galaxy knew of Barrayar would be the annexation of Komarr and the attempt to do the same on Escobar... Tej hastily asked, “Are you having a good evening, sir?”
Count Aral’s thoughts, at least, did not seem to have turned to any disturbing history. “Indeed I am. It’s a pleasure to attend this party without any particular hidden agenda, after all these years.” He sipped his champagne, and flashed her that dangerous sickle grin. “That’s Gregor’s problem, now. No need for me to stay ‘til the bitter end, either, when certain people might be in their cups and speak unguardedly.”
He surveyed the room and Tej saw his eyes soften as they found Cordelia, resplendent in a deep green gown and talking animatedly to the ambassadors from Beta and Escobar. “I have planned at least one more dance with my dear Captain before the end of our evening, though, and she’s not yet finished politicking.” His gaze drifted over the dancers, to where Ivan Xav was still listening intently to the ambassador from Earth. “You will have more of these multi-agenda parties to attend, of course, if Ivan pursues a diplomatic career.”
Tej saw Ivan Xav catch her watching him, and smile with an almost-imperceptible raise of his glass. She smiled back. “I think that will suit us both very well, sir.”
“I have no doubt. The boy has excellent manners - Alys made sure of that…” Tej opened her mouth in indignation to say that Ivan Xav had much more than good manners, but Count Aral continued, “That’s essential for any diplomat, but Ivan also has charm - and some of the best political judgement I’ve seen.”
His eyes lingered thoughtfully on his nephew. “He’s very like his father - Padma was charming - but I think now that Ivan has more courage in his convictions, and he’ll use that charm to win people round to his point of view. Barrayar needs men like Ivan managing our relationships with the rest of the galaxy.” He smiled at Tej, but his eyes were serious. “I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather have handling a delicate political situation.”
Tej beamed at him. “I’m so glad you think so, sir - and I know Ivan Xav will be too.”
Ivan Xav had sat back in the window seat to watch Tej’s face as she told the story, though he still held her hands tightly in her lap. Her heart ached at the look of wonder in his eyes, even as she rejoiced to see him start to smile shakily. “Uncle Aral really said that - about me?”
“He really did.” She paused, hesitated, then asked, “He didn’t ever mention it to you?”
“No.” He bit his lip and glanced away, “I guess we never found the time.”
She caught her breath at that, but he looked back at her and smiled, and some tension had eased from his expression. He lifted and kissed each of her hands, in the old courtly gesture that never failed to charm her. “Thank you for telling me. It - means a lot.”
She caught him into another tight hug and felt him press his cheek to her hair. He sat back with a sigh, found a handkerchief and wiped his eyes, then gave her the standard charming Ivan Xav smile. “I’d better go and see what time Aunt Cordelia would like to leave for the ball. Make sure we can say goodnight to Padma before we go.”
She smiled back at him, then abruptly called him back as he stepped towards the door, “Ivan Xav…”
He stopped and cocked an eyebrow curiously at her. It was her turn to bite her lip. “Just - remember to tell Padma you’re proud of him often? So that…”
He crossed back to the window seat and she stood up to meet his embrace. “I know - so that we don’t run out of time. Consider it done, my lady.” He smiled at her. “For both Padma and his little brother.”
Her heart lifted at that. All debts redeemed in the next generation. Even if Padma’s little brother was currently a ball of cells in a replicator - which sparked another thought… “I’ve been thinking…”
“Speak on, my lady.”
“About names for the baby…” She paused. “We could call him Aral. If you wanted.”
“Not Xav? A break with tradition?” He nodded slowly at her, “That might be - good.” He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “Maybe not quite Aral, though. I wouldn’t want him to feel he had - things - to live up to. What about…Aran? It has a similar root.” His expression quirked into a smile, “Would avoid confusion with Miles’ Alex, too.”
“Aran.” She tasted the name. Aran Vorpatril. “I like it. He’s Aran.”
“Good.” Ivan Xav extended his arm to her, “Shall we go and find Aunt Cordelia together, then? We could take her along to the nursery to read stories with Padma.”
Yes, they would find time for the important things. Tej took his arm. “Lead on, my lord.”