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Joel is popular in Jackson.
Sure, Ellie is too because she basically saved the fucking world and she’s super funny and she’s good at just about everything she does.
“And so humble,” Joel had added once when Ellie was explaining her own popularity last week.
But Joel’s popularity seems… different. He can barely step outside their house without someone calling his name or the offer of a homemade dinner.
No, seriously. In their first week at Jackson alone the two of them — mainly Joel — were given no less than ten casserole dishes and some variation of “I made enough for three” from whichever single woman decided to make them dinner that night.
Joel hadn’t taken anyone up on their offer, thank fucking christ, and for the next couple of weeks the two of them ate lasagnas and chicken pot pie casseroles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Even now, Joel gets pulled away to work on someone’s house because of some made up fucking reason that he’s too stupid to realize is fake.
Ellie doesn’t fucking like it.
“You know they’re flirting with you, right?” She finally says over dinner one night (would anyone like to take a guess at what they’re eating).
Joel pauses, a forkful of lasagna halfway to his mouth. “What?”
Ellie rolls her eyes and pushes her plate away. It’s still half full and after being on the road she told herself she would never waste food again, but there’s only so many times you can eat fucking pasta. “Oh, here Joel. I made dinner for you, but I think I made a little too much for just two people.” She throws herself across the arm of the couch, bringing the back of her hand to her forehead, “ Oh, Joel, my staircase is so wobbly. Could you please fix it for me? I hope you don’t mind that our heat is broken too, please take your shirt off while you work so I can stare at you,”
Joel kicks out at her ankle, “That did not happen,” he insists hotly. “Miss Paxton’s heat was broken and I did not take my shirt off.”
“Yeah, well if you would have I was gonna gouge my eyes out,” Ellie kicks back at him. “You can’t seriously think everyone’s houses suddenly went to shit the minute we stayed here,”
Joel shoves a forkful in his mouth and shrugs, “Looks like someone’s never owned a house before.”
“Yeah, no shit I’ve never owned a house before.” Ellie crosses her arms across her chest and stares at Joel.
What’s so special about him? Joel’s seriously just some guy. Sure, he’s good at fixing stuff and he always knows what to do when Ellie’s brain gets a little fuzzy. And he’s really good at holding her in a way that doesn’t make her feel like she’s suffocating. But he only knows how to make toast for breakfast and he always leaves the toilet seat up.
Joel is just some guy, but he’s Ellie’s guy. All those other ladies can step the fuck off. Maybe when one of them travels across the country with Joel, gets hunted by both clickers and raiders alike, deals with pedophilic cannibals, and undergo significant medical trauma for the sake of the world with him, then they can talk. Until then, they can stay the fuck away from Joel.
“Next time one of those women come sniffing around here with another fucking casserole, I’m breaking the dish over their head,” Ellie says finally.
Joel looks down at the plate of lasagna that even he is having trouble finishing. “Yeah, that’s fair.” He puts his fork down with a resounding clink and pushes the plate across the coffee table in front of them.
He leans back against the couch, one arm outstretched like a silent invitation that Ellie takes. She crawls over, pushing herself against his side until there’s a seventy percent chance that they might be melded together forever.
“I can start biting them too, you know,” Ellie offers quietly.
The two of them just stare out at the TV, playing some movie Ellie’s never even heard of that Joel claims is a masterpiece.
Joel hums from underneath her, “You’re not contagious and everyone here is already vaccinated.”
He never lets her have any fucking fun.
~
Joel’s most recent pursuer is determined, Ellie will give her that. This new one, Kathy, throws out an invitation for a nightcap, whatever that is, every time she sees Joel. She’s called Joel over to her house no less than three times already this week for some new repair that just has to get done. She’s even been trying to weasel in and sit next to Joel when the two of them make it to the dining hall.
Take now, for instance.
“Pardon my reach,” Kathy says lowly as she leans forward to reach for something across the table.
Joel leans back comically as her chest starts to inch closer to his face. He meets Ellie’s gaze from across the table, where she was forced to sit after Kathy snatched her seat like a fucking weasel.
Ellie opens her mouth wide and chomps down on nothing, her teeth audibly clicking together.
Joel shakes his head. He hesitates, but he shakes his head all the same.
Fine. Have it his way.
“Did you guys know that Joel has seven toes on his left foot? Yeah, and they’re not all where you’d think they’d be.”
Kathy freezes, her admittedly impressive chest still making an attempt to smother Joel.
Joel’s face twists, his eyebrows scrunching together and his mouth dropping open.
Ellie nudges her knee against Tommy, who sits at her right. She knows he and Joel have talked about all of Joel’s would-be suitors. Tommy thinks it's funny, but she has a feeling he might find this funnier.
“It’s true,” Tommy says after Ellie nudges him again, this time not so gently, “Was born like that. Got it from our mama.”
Kathy eases back into her seat, whatever she was reaching for across the table forgotten. “Oh,” she says faintly, averting her gaze at once.
Ellie turns to look at Tommy, feigning rapt interest, “Oh, so it’d probably be genetic, huh?”
Tommy hums and nods his head. He brings his cup up to his mouth to hide how his lips start to tremble. “Most definitely genetic. I got mine surgically removed, but Joel always liked those extra little bastards.”
Joel exhales slowly through his nose and stares straight ahead at Ellie.
Kathy doesn’t offer a nightcap to Joel that night. She doesn’t sit with them at breakfast the next morning. Her undercooked lasagnas stop making an appearance on their front porch.
Ellie counts that as a win, even if a rumor of Joel’s extra toes runs around the commune for a little while.
~
It’s not an overnight fix for their problem. In fact, it doesn’t even last a week before another brave soul winds up on their doorstep.
Deb, a recent addition to Jackson who's probably closer to Ellie’s age than Joel’s, bats her eyelashes up at him with a quiet request to use their shower. “Mine just can’t seem to get warm,” she says with a demure shrug.
Joel freezes in the door frame, his voice stuck in his throat, and Ellie is content to let him suffer for just a while longer until —
“And if it isn’t too much trouble, could I borrow a change of clothes? I got all the way over here and realized I totally forgot one.” Deb reaches out to fuss with the collar of Joel’s flannel, “I know they’ll be too big, but I don’t mind.”
Ellie pops her head over Joel’s shoulders, “Did you know that Joel has four nipples?”
Deb yanks her hand away, “Excuse me?”
“Five,” Joel corrects quickly, nodding along too enthusiastically for someone with almost as many nipples as a dog. “Five of ‘em.”
The two of them eat a victory dinner consisting of ice cream and chicken nuggets while their house remains blissfully intruder-free.
Seven toes and five nipples becomes brushing his teeth once a week and having an aversion to deodorant.
If you were to listen to Ellie, Joel would be some monstrous result of inbreeding who uses five inch platforms in his shoes because he’s secretly five and a half feet tall.
It’s fun to Ellie, up until it isn’t. No matter what she does, Joel seems to be appealing to the single population of Jackson. And sure, so far he hasn’t liked any of them back, but what if there is someone eventually? Someone who wants Joel for themself and pushes Ellie to the wayside?
So, she ramps up the reasons Joel is undateable and begins chasing off more would-be girlfriends with extreme prejudice until he has to sit her down.
“Baby, what is going on here?” Joel asks after Ellie “let it slip” that he actually forgot how to use a toilet after so many years on the road so now he just goes wherever and whenever he wants, even in his pants sometimes.
Ellie crosses her arms and stares stubbornly at him, “I don’t know what you mean.”
Joel levels her with an unimpressed look. “It was fine at first; I thought you were having fun and there was no harm in it, but I don’t know what’s gotten into you.”
He’s never taken anything she said too seriously. He’s even rated a few of them afterwards like he does her jokes, but Ellie gets the feeling that she may have gone too far with this last one.
She stays silent.
Joel sighs, his forehead wrinkling like it gets whenever Ellie is being difficult. The sight of it makes her feel a little guilty. She doesn’t mean to be difficult, but its not like she can tell him that the thought of Joel dating someone here makes her blood go cold and her skin feel tight.
That makes her feel even more guilty, because Ellie wants Joel to be happy. He deserves it more than anyone else she knows. But Ellie knows what will happen if he gets a girlfriend.
He’ll forget about Ellie. Start focusing on someone new, and then he won’t have time to deal with Ellie’s nightmares or her bad days. Joel will be too busy to take time out of his day to listen to whatever joke Ellie has. He won’t need her anymore, but Ellie will always need Joel.
“Ellie, I need you to listen to me when I say this,” Joel finally says when she stays stubbornly silent, “I have everything and everyone I need. I’m flattered, sure, but you don’t need to worry, baby. I am right here, and I will stay right here.”
The knot in Ellie’s chest begins to loosen. She doesn’t say anything.
Joel’s lips flatten into a thin line before he continues, “Nothing is getting between us, Ellie. You are my girl, and I don’t need anyone else in my life. I have you and Tommy, and the rest is all just a bonus.”
Ellie inhales sharply. The knot untangles entirely. “I wasn’t worried,” she finally says. Her throat feels tight, so the words come out a little strangled. “No one really wanted to date you anyways, they just wanted their shit fixed for free.”
Joel snorts, his face losing some of its tension. “They should be so lucky to date me. I’m a gentleman.”
“Last night you pushed me in the mud.”
“You slipped.”
Ellie’s face splits into a grin, “Oh, fuck you!”
Joel shrugs, “Everyone’s trying.”
“Gross, Joel!” Ellie gags, twisting her face up, “You sick fuck, why would you say that?”
Joel laughs and tugs her into his side, dragging his knuckles through her hair until she pinches and twists at one of his nipples (he really does only have two, so it was a struggle to find a good grip).
~
The next time a young hopeful stands on their doorstep, Ellie stays on the couch. She watches closely as Joel blinks a couple times before he says, “Full disclosure, I’m actually bald and this is a wig made of goat hair — oh, alright. Completely understand. Have a good one.”
He shuts the door after a beat or two and collapses on the couch next to Ellie. “It’s hard being so desirable,” he laments, looking up at the ceiling.
Ellie makes a considering noise, “Hm, four out of ten. You could have done better.”
Joel shoves her off the couch.
Their house remains girlfriend free for the foreseeable future.
(At least until Ellie brings home a girl from her class with a firm “Be cool” towards Joel.
Joel narrows his eyes at Ellie before turning to the girl — Dina, he thinks her name is — and says, “Did you know Ellie still picks her nose and eats her own snot?”
“Joel!”)