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Thinking about him scared her.
Because she didn’t know much about relationships, but she loved the way her heart squeezed as she looked at him, the way her head spun around every time she heard his voice, they way this stupid excitement that grew inside her as just the thought of him… All these little things that leave her breathless, with a silly grin that suddenly became the most radiant and the biggest smile she ever made, just to run into his arms and hide her face in his chest.
This was new for her, all these weird sensations that she was more than willingly accepting, just for him. She had never experienced anything like this, but she knew this had to be the purest visceral feeling that could exist. She knew, because she had done and gave everything for him, but she wanted more.
Now, mornings were heavier and more insipid than ever. They were barely together. They both worked, and even if they made some time for each other, it was never enough. That’s why nights were her favorite time of the day. It was the time she most waited for. She ran to the house, opening the door with the key he gave her, and then, calmly, she entered. A big breath just for taking his scent. Smoke, lavender and a hint of cinnamon. All her fatigue vanished as quickly as a gasp. She cooked, cleaned and waited for him on the sofa. And when he arrived, they showered together, they had dinner together and they slept together.
Aoba was always eager to enter the bed. All that space in the enormously stupid bed, and they always slept in a corner, arms and legs knot as they would be suddenly pulled apart. She was usually the big spoon, taking him in her arms, one hand on his chest, her nose slightly rubbing the back of his neck, her legs tangled on his. Sometimes, she sniffled his hair, caressed his chest, kissed his back, provoque some rough time under the sheets…
Thinking about him scared her.
Because she felt alone when he wasn't home. Always traveling to cities for work. Sometimes his job, sometimes nights with friends, sometimes watching after his grandmother…
Because now, nights were the most terrifying time of the day. She always took extra time to arrive home, hesitating when opening the door, because she knew it would only smell like ammonia and cinnamon.
Imu bb, b home asap. Gotta work, cu. ilu :)
Bb, love u too <3
She sighed, phone in hand, looking at the message. Every word she read made her feel different. She almost ignore to breathe as she forgot what she was going to say next.
Five minutes looking at the screen, a silly smile on her face. It was decided. She was going to see him. Give him a surprise.
Thinking about him scares her.
Because he isn't the same person she once knew. Because she has to be the one in the bed with him. Because she cannot be angry at him. Because when she saw him, her face turned red and her heart started beating like crazy like the first time. Because she craves him, and that makes her hate herself. She won’t stop being this fucking cunt until the end, because she couldn’t hate him. She only hates herself for falling for him, for giving him everything and more, for being a pathetic bitch that could only humiliate herself by being at an hotel’s door, sitting on the floor, crying her ass off. But mostly, she hates herself for wanting him to be there with her…
One hand stands in front of her. She didn’t listen to anybody passing above her sobs. She tries to breath as calmly as she could, as well as cleaning the tears that continued falling over her cheeks. She tries to look at them, but the sight of long hair just dropped her heart to the floor. Her hopes finally died.
“I- I don’t smoke, thank you…” Her voice merely whispers, just to crack into a big cry.
The hand slowly backs up, disappearing between her tears. She was making herself a fool if even a stranger pitied her by offering a cigarette. Slowly, she walks off, taking her bag and going anywhere far from there.
“Finally, I found you!” She only manages to sit on an empty bench when a sudden voice calls in her direction. “I almost gave up!” Aoba cleans her face, looking at the person talking to her. “Here!”
“Uh?” Aoba looks at the candy’s bag in front of her, taking it slowly and confused.
“Do you like them?”
“Yes, but-”
“It’s nothing, really!” The woman didn’t say anything more as she sat beside her. She just looks at her with a tender smile and waits for Aoba to speak first.
“Thank you, uh…”
“Koujaku.”